Please help - I don't know what to do - very difficult

[cara]

I need some advice and wisdom I feel like i'm losing the plot. This thread may be in wrong place.

Two weeks ago, my boyfriend came home after drinking alcohol all day (Christmas), he had taken cocaine as well, he never ever took drugs normally it was a one off incident and had met a friend he hadnt seen for some years who offered him some. He turned into someone I have never seen before due to the cocaine and alcohol - he has never been violent before with me.

After a long night of arguing he hit me, tried to strangle me and did try to have sex with me, (put his penis in me and then took it out) I asked him to stop and he did. He also put his fingers inside me, all the time I was saying no. This happened repeatedly for about 2 hours, he never had full sex with me, just kept trying to. He also said he was going to have sex with me through anal and most of my bruises are from trying to fight him off, but he did not succeed. I honestly thought he would kill me as he raised his fist to punch me full force in the face so I screamed as loud as i could which woke one of my children.

He immediately got off me, I ran upstairs to the children, he got a knife and tried to stop us from leaving, in the end we shut ourselves in childrens bedroom and he broke the door off and the children saw him hitting me. I managed to call the police. They came round and asked me did he put his penis in you and I said yes. They arrested him.

He has now been charged with possession of coke and fined, damaging property and fined and is on bail for rape, due to return to station in 2 weeks.

I have given a video statement saying what happened, then another video statement a week later saying I no longer wish to support the prosecution due to stress and that because he did not physically have full sex with me I disagree with the rape allegation and that he would have thought I would consent to sex since I have never denied him before and we had sex twice on the morning of the attack. I did say no at the time and he did pull out, but he did try again and again throughout the attack, but pulled out each time I said no. The police said because I was covered in bruises and violence was involved consent would automatically be thought of as denied. The evidence they have is photos of the bruises, the neighbors have given a statement as they heard it, the 999 call.

Initially the police officer who took the 2nd statement said they will probably drop rape charge and charge for assault, but I have recently heard they are going ahead without my support in court on the evidence they have. As far as I know he still faces a charge for rape.

I agree he should be charged with assault, but not rape. He has said to police he did hit me, but says the sex was consensual. The police have got social services involved due to the children witnessing it, i have lost the person I loved, it ruined Christmas for the kids, i feel like i cant take anymore.

Yes he made the most stupid mistake of his life, he has lost everything, he took cocaine and turned into a monster - i just dont want him done for rape, he will most likely get 7 years if convicted.. I am sure he will take his own life. He needs help for alcohol abuse and domestic violence prevention not a prison sentence.

I no longer want a relationship with him and he has bail conditions set so he cannot contact me.

Can I retract my statement, how can the police/cps go ahead with a rape charge if I will not support prosecution? Is it likely cps will drop case?

Any way this can be stopped?

I have said sex was consensual on video statement, but because of the violence police disagree.

Any advice much appreciated.

[steve22]

I dont want to start a bit of a "thread war" on this but as an innocent guy accused of rape by my ex's ganging up against me this annoys me.

You said no and he carried on trying to have sex with you. Thats rape whether he finished off or not. I cant see the CPS trying it as rape though if you said in interview that you consented.

I dont want to pry but it sounds like your better off without if he is coming home under the influence to you and at least one child in the house and being aggresive to you. Ultimately this is your decision what you do but if he was to attack you again the police would have provided advice and wont act in your defence again if you ignore it.

Be honest with both the police and the CPS. Only they can act if he is guilty of a crime, after making a statement theres very little you can do without incriminating yourself. You could face a charge of perverting the court of justice if you inform them that you had been untruthful, even if you havent, but legally i dont think you are obligated to make a statement or answer questions in court.

I hope this helps in some way.

[cara]

I agree in the eyes of the law it is rape, due to my injuries and the violence they would assume non consent and the number of times he kept trying, but in my head its not (I need help), if he had carried on yes, but he stopped when i said no. I feel I can't send a man to prison for 7 years and he will have to sign sex offender register as well i presume.

I just don't see how they can go ahead, with no witness at court and my 2nd statement saying I didn't feel it was rape.

Are CPS likely to go ahead ?

Thanks for the advice.

[Faith]

In a moment, I will move this thread to the rape section of the website to avoid confusion

You have been through an absolutely horrendous ordeal and you were raped.
The psychological effects are really beginning to play on you and nobody can force you to take the stand if you do not want to. Bear in mind you can ask to just submit a statement, can take the stand behind a screen or give evidence via a video link. Have you been in touch with Rape Crisis? You need some support.

The most important thing here is your recovery. Only you can decide whether or not you want to push forward with the prosecution. The CPS clearly think they have this brute bang to rights if they are pressing forward even without your support. You may look back and regret not seeking justice.
But ultimately, it has to be about what you can cope with.

None of this was your fault. You were attacked in the most horrendous of ways and there can never be an excuse for what you went through.
You have been very brave. You have done a big thing by posting your story here.
There are members here who have been where you are.

To answer in black and white, you were raped; it doesn't matter whether there was full penetration or not. There have been several repugnant crimes committed here.

Look after yourself. Keep coming back for support.

[Faith]

I just don't see how they can go ahead, with no witness at court and my 2nd statement saying I didn't feel it was rape.

Are CPS likely to go ahead ?

Thanks for the advice.

They can because they have your first statement, they have forensics and they have the drugs charges. It could be that this 'man' made it clear in his police interview that he was guilty.
It sounds as if this case isn't based solely on your testimony. It is entirely up to you whether you go through with it or not.

But do not expect it to automatically dropped...and you must not feel bad if it isn't. He IS a sex offender so it is right that he should serve the punishments for that. If it went on for two hours, he did not stop. He still attacked you...physically, mentally and sexually. You must never feel like you owe this man a reprieve.

[steve22]

I have to agree with Faith. If i have a chance of going to prison for doing absolutely nothing wrong. He should have a much better chance of it.

I really wouldnt back peddle now. You can attempt to justify his actions if you believe he deserves it but attempting to completely withdraw could look bad for the reasons i explained for before.

From what you have said he has tried to rape you, relationship or not. You said no.

I dont think the CPS would try for a conviction of rape if you refused to cooperate but without your statement they would go for the maximum sentence for assault i should imagine (they have all the evidence and your statement for this). Its looking very bad for him. And by the way he treats his family.. He deserves it.

The truth can hurt but be a strong independent woman. Stand up for yourself.

[friday]

You're in such a difficult situation. Not only did you go through a horrific ordeal but it was at the hands of someone close to you. You may think "but he wasn't that sort of man" or "he never did this to me before" but it always starts with a first time. You have the chance to potentially make it the last time he does this to someone. It's your choice how to proceed. There is a chance you could get into trouble for perverting the course of justice. Is he worth that? Even if you don't think he raped you because he stopped, there is no denying he attempted to rape you. He is a sex offender now as a result of his actions whether you choose to help the police or not. You have to do what will make you feel most comfortable. It won't be an easy decision but I hope you make the right choice for you.

Please just remember this:

He still attacked you...physically, mentally and sexually. You must never feel like you owe this man a reprieve.

[Saffron]

Charlie, it is not Cara's responsibility to put this pathetic excuse of a man behind bars. He must already know that what he did was wrong. What Cara chooses to do or not do is entirely up to her. If he does do this again it will be because he made the choice to do it; NOT because Cara didn't report him. It would NOT be on her conscience.
Just thought I should make that clear.

[Faith]

Thanks Saffron, I'd been toying with replying to this
You have put into words perfectly what I wanted to say

[RFLH]

I fully echo that Saffron.

[cara]

Its ok don't worry.

I have no intention of retracting statement, I will leave it to CPS/police to decide what to do now.

Just happy to take on any advice or knowledge from anyone - its going to be a long journey. Not sure if I'm strong enough, but got to try.

No other option.
x

[Faith]

You're very strong Cara.
Keep coming back whenever you need to.
There are members here who have faced your ordeal. Member Friday is someone who will understand your plight and she is a very understanding person who will no doubt offer help, as we all will, through this long journey of yours.

I commend your bravery for not retracting your statement.

[lawlessone2009]

Your post is still showing in the 'falsely accused' section so no doubt you will receive many many sides of the argument and varying pieces of information. It could be a good thing for you to actually be able to see all sides to this. I've not read one post yet that said 'drop it'.

What happened to you makes for horrific reading.

There are many snippets of information to be digested and taken into account and also a lot of probables to be considered for the future.

What happened to you at the very very least was attempted rape. With the penis being inserted I would be inclined to agree with virtually everyone else and state that it was simply rape, no 'attempt' as the act was complete.

Clearly a violent and aggressive man and you are better off without him. This cannot, surely, be the first time he has shown violent tendancies towards you?


You needn't reply to the question. It is not a direct question seeking an answer, it is for you to ask yourself. Reflect on what really could've happened if you'd simply accepted the situation and let him carry on. This would've escalated beyond belief and become more and more violent and degrading. What happened instead is that you met him straight on and he attempted to use brute force to overcome your position. He then reacted in a manner of complete intimidation when he didn't get his own way.


Your opening line mentions 'my boyfriend'. You need to change that to 'ex-boyfriend' and keep it that way, seriously. You and the kids are better off without him and although it will take time to get over your trauma and indeed get over the feelings you no doubt have for him you will, in the long run, do a major justice for both yourself and the kids.

He put you all through an experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone and for that I'd let him rot in hell. Jail is too good for him but, at the very least, what he deserves. You don't necessarily need to be the one that stands there and gives the evidence to the court but I would ensure that you support the prosecution by whatever means are possible. Those who have crimes perpetrated against them often find themselves unable to face an audience in court, you are not alone. If you can find the strength then I would stand up to the monster and have justice served to him, if not then allow the Police/prosecution to at least attempt in your absence.

There are so many different situations where people find themselves faced with either sexual crimes or accused of sexual crimes. I have yet to read anything on this forum that involved the levels of violence that you have written about and especially with children being directly involved. Drink and drugs do not excuse his behaviour. I feel incredibly angry at what has happened to you and your children and I hope that over time you all recover enough to believe that maybe, just maybe, it was a bad dream or something.

Sending some love and comfort along with encouragement and strength.

[Faith]

Good post Lawlessone

[friday]

I'm really pleased to hear you've reached a decision. That must be a weight off your mind in itself. It's a long process from report to court. Here is a pdf of a book I was given about the process. It has lots of information that hopefully you will find helpful: http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/pdfs...%204%20web.pdf Do you have the contact details of your SOIT officer (the officer who is your contact)? They can be really helpful not only in explaining the practicalities of what happens but also in giving you information about places you can go for support or even just someone to talk to about it all. One thing which may make you feel a bit less anxious is that because you have already done a video statement you could use that as your primary evidence if you didn't feel able to get up and say what happened from start to finish and then only need to be cross examined. This what I did and it really made it so much more manageable.

If you want to discuss anything about what goes on between now and a verdict then please feel free to message me. Every situation is different but the feelings around what happened and the legal proceedings are often similar.

You are strong enough. You've survived so much already. You don't have to do it on your own though. You can gain strength through other people too.