Is it ok to refuse support?

[MerlinScot]

As many of you already know, I'm still waiting for the PF decision about the accusations made against me by the police (false allegations of rape), which of course came out after a one-sided investigation because my "Mr. Wonderful"'s ex fooled everybody, not surprising given that he was volunteering and training as a counsellor and a support worker in a rape and abuse line, actually the only one available from Inverness to the northern highlands.

As you can imagine, this made my life hell before and after the report.
Before it, because my ex was playing his "training and volunteering" card as a pass to abuse/rape whoever he liked so he drove me crazy (literally, because he was doing therapy to me, I was rescued by a counsellor for alcohoolics in early December who recognised the huge abuse I've been standing for one year. Rape report soon followed the domestic abuse one, because I had stated sexual abuse in my first statement, which was incorrect). Of course, he also repeated to me at least1000 times a day nobody would have ever believed me.

After it, because as you can imagine.. few believed me, as my ex had foresaw, this including police and justice system.

In the meanwhile, I spent nearly 6 months trying to get some therapy and found myself in front of a huge problem... The only institution/organization where I could find support was the one connected with my ex. During the investigation he was suspended but then he decided to resign anyway (he knew very well he was guilty!!).
So when police informed everyone that he was let free, the abuse and rape line contacted me and offered me support. I asked for a face to face support too, not being very confident in using a phone support because I still have a strong accent and few get what I want to say.

That was never possible to arrange because the support workers... refused to do it various times!!

Just posting the whole text of the email I received from the manager of the abuse and rape line today:

Hello ".......",

Firstly apologies for the delay in responding. I have been off sick and just now catching up.

I am afraid that the support worker who is available just now for face to face support, feels it would be unethical for her to offer you support. This is not because of you, it is because she feels that it would be unethical as she knew the ex-volunteer. Currently she is the only support worker with a slot free for face to face. I do apologise, this does not seem to helping at all. I will continue to wait for another worker to become available, but I know this is not what you will be wanting to hear and so I can only apologise again.

Best wishes


Honestly.. shouldn't counsellors and doctors be detached in their jobs? Although my ex was there only once every two weeks, for two hours, so I wonder how much this lady knew my ex

[LS]

It should be unbiased, but when you're involved with the only counselling service he was with, then unbiasedness goes out the window.

Hard to know what to suggest, other than a phone-based - and English - call centre.

[Faith]

I'm afraid I can understand where this volunteer is coming from. I don't think she is suggesting she would be biased for or against you, just that these things should be with someone who knows nothing about the case. I'd imagine that the support worker, whether or not she knew your ex, would have heard stuff on the grapevine.

Of course, this is no help to you.

I wonder if it's worth getting a referral from your GP, who may well know a specialist counsellor. Worth a try.

Not the same I know, but keep coming back here for support in the meantime, as and when you need it

[MerlinScot]

I wonder if it's worth getting a referral from your GP, who may well know a specialist counsellor. Worth a try.

Not the same I know, but keep coming back here for support in the meantime, as and when you need it

I was already referred by the GP to a counselling service in December, this temporarily because where my ex was volunteering was the only place where I could have been refferred but I just couldn't.. go there.
The therapist couldn't support me later on, because rape was out of her professional range (she was supporting drug and alcohol addicted people).

At the moment I'm left with the choice of going to Aberdeen or Glasgow, which will mean quite an economical problem given that I'm a full time student receiving a bursary and living off it. After paying rent and various bills, I'm nearly left with no money at all, so quite difficult to pay for a trip to Aberdeen or Glasgow once a week.

Thanks for your kind words , of course I'll keep coming here because it's opening my eyes on many topics and I found this very therapeutic and useful.

[RFLH]

it just doesn't seem fair that he seems to be getting all the help and you - none. But it seems thats often the way - which is a bugger.

My only other sugggestion is to either see your MP or bite the bullet and go public if you could face it.

[MerlinScot]

it just doesn't seem fair that he seems to be getting all the help and you - none. But it seems thats often the way - which is a bugger.

My only other sugggestion is to either see your MP or bite the bullet and go public if you could face it.

What's really strange that he wouldn't have such a good reputation or been helped so much if he wasn't protected and shielded by his family, who in turn they're protecting their "assets". Meaning he owns their estate now because they were full of debts in England. Until he moved he used to work, but he ceased to work in 2008 because of his disease, he couldn't go out of the house during the first 6 months he lived in Scotland. He was also an alcoholic and his liver was already messed up at the age of 24. He never stopped drinking though, so imagine the effects of whiskey with antipsychotics....
He's nearly 30 now and never really got back to work because he's "funded" by his family, most of the time he's even away for two months at a time.
So someone should explain to me what's behind all the police's "understanding" for his plight.

Not sure about contacting an MP, they seem quite fearful and scared about the topic anyway. I had thought to go public because after a false allegations accusation the raped victim's anonymity gets blown up anyway, but.. don't know yet if I can be THAT strong

[RFLH]

its their job to represent you, but I can understand why you wouldn't want to or go public - its a hell of a step to take, cos once its out there - its out.

I can't think of another thing you can do at the moment, but I hope that coming here is helping in some small way!

[MerlinScot]

its their job to represent you, but I can understand why you wouldn't want to or go public - its a hell of a step to take, cos once its out there - its out.

I can't think of another thing you can do at the moment, but I hope that coming here is helping in some small way!

Online and on my blog I post with the same pseudonym, but it's not like I'm posting my real name and surname, which that would be the case if I decided to go public. I already feel a huge deal of strain and pressure on my shoulders even posting on the web, replying to messages and emails of any sort. That would be nothing in comparison at what I should stand if I decide to make things public.

Then there's another danger... My ex wasn't prosecuted so it would get me in trouble to publish details that would allow people to understand who the rapist is.
To be honest, probably there are 500 people in 2 villages (mine and my ex's), how many support workers working at an abuse line do you think there are in such a small community? More or less it would be the same as slandering. I could have done it if he was already charged or waiting prosecution but without police's support... I'm undoubtedly creating further damage to myself than anyone else.

Your honest opinion.. would that be worth it?