Really not coping well

[Ploppy]

Hi
I had an allegation made against me last week. It's alleged that I've inappropriately touched the 6 year old daughter of a family friend on at least two occasions, at my home and when I took her to a park. This girl also claims to have witnessed me abusing my own 14 year old daughter in similar fashion. This is all categorically untrue. My daughter was interviewed by the police and has emphatically denied that anything ever happened. I was interviewed under caution on Thursday evening. The police pointed out that they could have arrested me and then bailed me with conditions, such as not living at my own home for the duration of the investigation. The fact that they did not arrest me is, according to my solicitor, a good thing because it indicates that they do not believe me to be any risk. I'm hopeful that this won't progress to a charge and my solicitor thinks that it won't.

Social Services are also now involved. I have entered into a "voluntary agreement" (sic) in which I may have no unsupervised access to my daughter. If my wife has to leave the house then so must I.

I'm shattered by all of this. I barely eat or sleep (I've lost 5 pounds since Thursday, and I didn't have much spare to begin with), I'm on the verge of tears all the time and I just feel sick to my stomach. I'm really not coping very well at all.

I know some of you are in worse predicaments and I suppose that I do have reason to be hopeful, but I'm just so scared right now.

[Broken-hearted]

A sad welcome to you Ploppy hopefully you will gain valuable support here and offer your experience and support to others in the future too.

I know how difficult it is having children's services involved easiest thing is to jump through whatever hoops they set. I think a positive is that your own daughter is 14 and has been able to speak for herself had it been a younger chhild then you may well have had to leave the home. Although it is hard to have the plan in place that you have agreed at least you are all able to live together as a family still.

Fingers crossed for you that there isn't a charge but unfortunately even the process to no further action can be a long one.

Everyone on here has been in those challenging early days and I promise it does get easier I know it doesn't feel like it now. Talk to those who you can confide in, keep talking, keep busy, try and eat little and often if you can but sadly loss of appetite and sleep disturbances are very common with the stress you are experiencing. There might come a time when you feel it beneficial to confide in a GP etc depending on what is happening at the time.

Stay strong you will get through this

[Franticwithworry]

I'm so sorry to hear this Ploppy. Please don't go down the road of comparing yourself unfavourably with others. This is the most devastating thing that could happen to you and it doesn't really matter if others are dealing with something that you might consider 'worse'. Who's to say if it is or not? This is devastating you and that's all that matters.

That said, it is good that your daughter is so emphatic about things and that you have a voluntary agreement with Social Services. Those things potentially count well for you.

Remember - you and your family have suffered traumatic shock and it will take a while for things to settle. It's bad enough to deal with this stuff when wrong has been done and punishment is to be expected. It's many, many, many times more shocking when it comes out of the blue with no basis.

Rest assured though, that time will ease the suffering somewhat. It will get easier to deal with and though it won't ever be 'OK', but with all the support here to draw on, and your wife and daughter's support, things won't seem so terrifying. Unfortunately, once in the system, it's a long road to navigate,
But you will get there, you really will.

[Ploppy]

Thanks for the kind words. Of course you're right - I shouldn't be comparing my situation with others because this isn't a game of Top Trumps!

It's actually been quite cathartic just to write that first post and realise that I'm not alone in being in this state.

[Mr B]

This forum is a Gods-send. I must say.

I am pleased your daughter told her version of events & that it supports yours. Corroboration (in a positive sense) is very useful. The sooner you get out of the "criminal funnel" the better. You are on your way out of its clutches by the sound of it. Whilst SS are cautious they too will be driven by Police opinion. So that too in time will disappear.

All I can say is that any man (as I have yet to read / hear about any woman being falsely accused of CSA) seems to be "fair game". For the record this is not a gender issue - it is a gender independent psycho pathological issue that triggers a gender biased law (& its enforcing agents / authorities) to result in poor outcome for male subjects. I am not bashing a gender at all.

You are very much on your way away from any poor outcome. I am pleased for you & the support the forum has offered you. I hope you, your wife & family can put this allegation to the sword as soon as possible. In the meantime, I wish you patience with the rather invasive SS requirements until this is sorted. Your family is intact & looks to be staying that way. That is very positive for you & I for one, am very happy for you. Take the best of care & when it all gets too much, I have found breathing in & hold for 3 seconds, then out wait 3 seconds & do it again, really helps.

Kindest regards
Mr B

[surplusyew]

it all sounds very positive, I too have been accused of CSA when I was younger 11-14 against my sister and have been ousted from my home where my kids live and can only have supervised contact with them albeit as often as I want with my wifes mum present.

Its a horrible experience to go through and with my first bail date approaching I'm starting to get a bit nervous of what will happen, (rebail I expect) but I know how you feel and you must be utterly worried what others will think but remember that's not important, if you chose to tell people you will find out who your true friends are, everybody who I have told has completely stood by me as they were friends when this alledgy happened and know nothing like that could of happened. So don't worry yourself too much and hope for a good outcome

[Lucky]

One of the worst things that could happen.

the breach of trust, the stigma attached to having a child accuser/victim.

I feel for you.

Browse the forums, and get the mental strength you need to get through this.

[Jan11]

I am so sorry to hear of your predicament. I just wanted to reassure you that the emotions you are feeling are completely normal. I can vividly remember the first days and weeks after OH was accused. The tears, being sick, unable to eat etc. But...I promise you it will get better. Try to keep busy, and gradually once the shock settles you will start to feel better.

There might be other emotions and setbacks along the way. The good news is you have found this forum which has been a godsend to me and other members.

[Mr B]

Now this is not legal advice, but I just thought of it in case it ever becomes relevant I thought I would convey a question of sorts.

My understanding is Police can offer a caution - if they do, and the recipient accepts the caution it confirms that the recipient "did something wrong". Hence in my research, when I was in a terrible state, concluded that a caution was to be rejected (as you are admitting guilt by accepting it, and as no event occurred the recipient self-condems). I do not know if cautions are issued for these cases at all...

I am hoping another far more experienced member can elaborate.

When I researched this I was in a terrible state.

Once again, for the avoidance of doubt, this is not legal advice.

I am fervently hoping you are moving well away from all this with all the grace you can muster.

Mr B

[Ploppy]

This is amazing.

There was an all-agencies case conference today. All restrictions from Social Services are now lifted and the Police are recommending "No Further Action".

This is less than TWO weeks from initial accusation. I am so, so very relieved.

Sometimes the authorities get it right. Thank God.

[Rights Fighter]

PHEW!!!!

[Casehardened]

This is great news; thank goodness it was so quick!

[YearsOfHell]

Wow! That's a new world record!!
Brilliant!


YoH

[Franticwithworry]

Fabulous news!!!!!!!

[innocentson]

What a relief ! I hope you recover quickly from the ordeal you've been through