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Hi;
I really dont know where to start?....However; I am encouraged to write on this forum, as this site has really been a life-saver to me for advice, support and encouragement and I felt that once i had a "result", it would be only fair to share my experiences with others, who may be going through the same hell as i have for the last 10 months..
Very briefly; I have known my wife for nearly 30years (went out together in our teens for nearly 2 years); We have been together the second time for nearly 21 years and married for 17years. We have 3 boys under the ages of 14 yrs old and upto last year we lived happily together, in a nice part of the south east, both had well paid jobs, A nice 5 bed house, no mortgage, money in the bank,nice holidays, nice cars, meals out etc. etc. A perfect life, i thought?..
Then; At the start of last year, January 2012 (out of the blue!) my wife had a sexual affair with her best freinds husband. She never spoke to her friend again after "we" found out and I eventually, for the sake of our marriage, forgave her and the rest of last year was spent improving our marriage and doing even more nice things together / date-nights etc.
However; Nearing Christmas - December 2013; I found (texts) showing she was having yet another affair with someone else. I confronted her and she was so cold to me and said "Yes"...And she didnt love me anymore...Didnt want to be with me anymore etc.
My life had collapsed again and I was doing my best to hold things together, for the sake of the boys and Christamas fast approaching. Over Xmas and Boxing Day, We carried on as normal , with her sneaking texts out to her new lover.
However; We carried on our lives and I hoped she would come around or seek help and we also shared the same bed still, she demanded sex still...and we effectively "carried-on" as we had done, for the last 21 years and I was still hoping things would change or the new lover would get bored and go away and we get some help afterwards.
Then; Just before New Years day and after a day down by the coast (walking along the front, holding hands and with our boys) we had "normal sex" that night, but i was told to "stop" half way through, which i did (thinking she was in some discomfort). The next day was like any other day.
My wife did alot of shopping in Sainsburys for a New Year Party (Buying drink and nibbles etc.) and i did some accountancy work and that evening i saw a mate..and she had a friend around. We had Breakfast, Lunch and tea together and chatted about what we were doing the next few days etc. All "normal" and what thousands of other normal couples do over an extended Xmas break leading upto NYE.
I got home that same evening, from the pub, at about 10:30pm. Four Police cars were parked outside our house. My instant reaction was something had happened to the boys?!. I was then told to get in the Police car and a sympathetic cop said that my wife had called them to say I had raped her, the night before, and they were going to take me to the Police Custody suite for an interview. I could not return back to the house.
I arrived at Police custody suite and was read my rights, belt taken,money , watch + mobile phone etc all "bagged" and then i was put in a cell. I was then Photographed, DNA tested etc. etc. My "brief" on legal aid was coming, i was told.
I didnt sleep that night and with the neon lights on constantly, a thin blanket for warmth and no-one knowing where i was, I was allowed a phone call, the next morning, from my cell (listened into) and phoned my best mate, who could then call my father and sister. This was now New Years Eve.
At 5,30pm - After being there all the previous night and most of the day...My "brief" arrived.
After being interviewed; I was then released that evening (NYE) at nearly 8pm and told not to return back to the house.
Subsequesnt to this date; I was Re-Bailed a total of 6 times!
At one of the Re-Bail attendances, in April, my wife had made further false allegations (Probably pressurised by the cops as there was no evidence on the marital rape) and I was then accused of ABH aagainst my wife and Child Assault (For swearing in front of them , apparently!).
After being accused of Child Assault, I was then told i could NOT make any contact whatsoever with my boys. My boys I had been seeing every weekend, up until then, and I had them all over that Easter for 4 days and we had great days out etc.
This was very cruel. I ended up NOT seeing my 3 boys ALL summer (from April to October, the other week)
Finally; After £26,000 spent legal fees, which included defending a non-molestation order that my wife also put on me; Divorce letters firing back+forth and a last minute desperate letter to the Chief Constable of Surrey Police and my MP, All three charges of marital rape; ABH and Child assault were NFA'd, last week.
I feel totally numb!... And I'm left wondering "what the f*ck was that all about"?!!
So; What did I learn, that I can pass on to you,the reader, If you are going through the waiting game / Bail?
1) Dont trust the Police at all !!.
They are NOT your friends! and the Police force of 2014 is NOT "Dixon of Dock Green", anymore. Its about "Targets" and how they can get a charge by whatever means.
In one of my interviews (Or "Chats" as the OIC called it and who wanted me to come in for WITHOUT my lawyer!), I was advised by my lawyer to say "No Comment" throughout for over 2hours. This cxomment is NOT new...and I see alot of the other posts on the forum saying the same thing. The Police will lie to you, to get a reaction out of you, they will loose evidence if it looks in your favour and not the "victims", they will change facts around to confuse you and get you to confess something "that you may later rely on in court" etc. So; DONT TRUST 'EM !!...And sadly; I now have a completely different view of the Police than i did a year ago...
2) Always take your brief / lawyer with you to the Police Station. Always!!...And NEVER have a Police interview without them - Even if you have to wait ages for your brief!!!. The Police will say its "just a chat" (as they did with me)...Again DONT TRUST THEM!
3) Start your own "blog/ Diary" and get that "Timeline" going as soon as you can...
Back it up on different devices, incase its lost (But NEVER take into the Police station with you, as they can seize it, if they wish and it could contain information that you may want to use if charged) . I kept my diary/ blog on a word document from Day 1, as i was so incensed by it all and needed to write down things. I used to put the date and what had happened etc. I also then built up dates and times in a timeline and put in great graphic detail exactly what happened leading upto the night of the arrest.
I then broke bits down to the different charges and then broke those down further with numbering facts against her that didnt make sense or were questionable. For example; My wife had said in a sworn statement i was a danger to her and the children. On the same day, A solicitors letter arrived from her solicitor stating her client (my wife) wanted me to look after the boys over Easter and take them on holiday. Talk about contradictory evidence!. There were many other examples like this, which if used in court, would be used against her to prove my innocence!
The diary also served as a good Karma for me and was quite cathartic once I had finished everything and at every angle. I felt happier that I had every angle covered, so that I could send it off to Gerry McDonald (of EBR Attridge Solicitors, who i spoke to - Thanks Gerry for the chat and glad, in the nicest way, i dont need you!) , for example
I also strongly believed my wife was Narcisstic or suffering from Border Line Personality Disorder (BPD) - which is quite common for wives "going nuts" to suffer from. They sometimes say its a mid-lfe crisis..but my wife was alot worse than just a mid-life crisis!.
I therefore researched this alot !...And even how to deal with Narcissists in court, if "god-forbid", it had finally gone that way!.
I started with the timeline and then looked at contradictory evidence and things that didnt make sense at all and her "background" and anything my son had told me, before i was stopped seeing him, on the night of the arrest. Absolutely anything !!! You are now the detective here and you have to fight that you are NOT guilty of anything.
4) Stay strong! + Look after yourself. Eat well and spoil yourself occasionally. Dont be an Arthur Fowler and collapse in a heap and feel sorry for yourself. Be yourself + BE STRONG and you can beat this.
It is, and i have read (and dont use lightly here !), Like having cancer..Fight it !!
If youve never joined a gym?...Join one now! + take your stress,anger and frustrations out at the gym. You also start to loose some weight and start to have some pride in yourself and like yourself and look forward to your life beyond this horrible event in your life. it also gets you into some routine. I also carried on with going to work, in London, every day. It kept my mind off things and forced me to focus on other things. You also have some good colleagues,maybe, who you can talk to in confidence?. Dont tell your boss though, unless he/she can be trusted and a grood friend. As remember; Sh*t sometimes sticks!!
I also joined a dating site (No; I wasnt put off with women!) and met someone else, who i am still with and has been fantastic support and proves that there are nice women out there.
5) Friends and Family. I have some great friends and my sister and family were brilliant and always there for a talk, when i had "down days" (You will have ALOT !!).
You also learn who your TRUE friends are?. Some "friends" shunned me and other friends, who had not been the best of friends, really "shone" and became brilliant, without being too nosey and just occasionally called and checking i was ok etc. This episode in your life will REALLY show who are your TRUE friends in life are ...and who arent!. So; Something good comes out of it.
6) Keep your hobbies going. Pour yourself into something you enjoy doing and KEEP BUSY !!. Mine are cars..and I still kept helping in my car club, at weekends and as I couldnt see my boys, who used to go, I invited friends and my father along instead. My Father and I have a good bond and my bond now with my sister is the best ever!!
7) Believe in yourself. You know you are innocent,remember!.
I read the blogs on here and was convinced it would all go to court.
Apart from the cost and the time without my boys...I also didnt want my boys subjected to all of this!
8) Keep reading this site. Its brilliant and if people such as i can add to it, to help others out there...It has to help...and anyone reading this and going thrtough similar experiences to myself and others here...You have my deepest sympathies!...But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you and if you keep busy, it will go alot quicker.
9) If , like me, you are using a solicitor for your divorce...DONT!!, unless they are needed to defend yourself on a Non Molestation Order (using a Barrister). As said; I eneded up spending £26,000 and I havent even really started my divorce yet.
Nothing in a divorce can be sorted out whilst you are on Bail. An FDR cannot and will not go ahead if there is a question of a custodial sentence. Therefore; Save your money and write the solicitors letters to your spouses solictor YOURSELF.
Get a template together and write "nice, polite letters" to their questions ...and you wont be charged the usual £275+VAT/Hour + save yourself a fortune. It took me a while to cotton onto this...and as said, nothing can happen in the divorce until it is NFA'd, anyway. Solicitors know this...but wont tell you and will be happy to keep taking your money writing to your spouses
One of the best things i did do, however, was use my criminal solicitor to write a letter to the Chief Constable and my MP. I wrote the letter and apparently Police dont like letters from MP's and have to respond. Do this if its months and months and youve heard nothing?. I wrote in the letter some inconsistencies woth my wifes actions (kept other facts back).
10) Keep reading this forum and if, like me, you come out after 10months with an NFA !! ...Do others a favour and write about it, like i have and give others out there some faith that they are good people and that justice will prevail
And finally; Its in the news again...Bail and time it takes!...Lets get petitioning against its duration, as it really should be limited to 28 days or a few months only...Not go on like my 10months OR longer,like some of them here on this forum!
As a footnote...
I got to see my eldest and youngest boys the other night.
However; My wife is now stopping me seeing the 2 youngest. Its a "control thing" and Im hoping it passes...But im not going to fight it. I know they love me and she, eventually, will end up a very sad person whereby our boys will abandon her for being so cruel, i hope.
Good luck my friends and a big thankyou to ALL the main contributors on here ..You do an excellent job and you really helped me - Thankyou again!!
I really dont know where to start?....However; I am encouraged to write on this forum, as this site has really been a life-saver to me for advice, support and encouragement and I felt that once i had a "result", it would be only fair to share my experiences with others, who may be going through the same hell as i have for the last 10 months..
Very briefly; I have known my wife for nearly 30years (went out together in our teens for nearly 2 years); We have been together the second time for nearly 21 years and married for 17years. We have 3 boys under the ages of 14 yrs old and upto last year we lived happily together, in a nice part of the south east, both had well paid jobs, A nice 5 bed house, no mortgage, money in the bank,nice holidays, nice cars, meals out etc. etc. A perfect life, i thought?..
Then; At the start of last year, January 2012 (out of the blue!) my wife had a sexual affair with her best freinds husband. She never spoke to her friend again after "we" found out and I eventually, for the sake of our marriage, forgave her and the rest of last year was spent improving our marriage and doing even more nice things together / date-nights etc.
However; Nearing Christmas - December 2013; I found (texts) showing she was having yet another affair with someone else. I confronted her and she was so cold to me and said "Yes"...And she didnt love me anymore...Didnt want to be with me anymore etc.
My life had collapsed again and I was doing my best to hold things together, for the sake of the boys and Christamas fast approaching. Over Xmas and Boxing Day, We carried on as normal , with her sneaking texts out to her new lover.
However; We carried on our lives and I hoped she would come around or seek help and we also shared the same bed still, she demanded sex still...and we effectively "carried-on" as we had done, for the last 21 years and I was still hoping things would change or the new lover would get bored and go away and we get some help afterwards.
Then; Just before New Years day and after a day down by the coast (walking along the front, holding hands and with our boys) we had "normal sex" that night, but i was told to "stop" half way through, which i did (thinking she was in some discomfort). The next day was like any other day.
My wife did alot of shopping in Sainsburys for a New Year Party (Buying drink and nibbles etc.) and i did some accountancy work and that evening i saw a mate..and she had a friend around. We had Breakfast, Lunch and tea together and chatted about what we were doing the next few days etc. All "normal" and what thousands of other normal couples do over an extended Xmas break leading upto NYE.
I got home that same evening, from the pub, at about 10:30pm. Four Police cars were parked outside our house. My instant reaction was something had happened to the boys?!. I was then told to get in the Police car and a sympathetic cop said that my wife had called them to say I had raped her, the night before, and they were going to take me to the Police Custody suite for an interview. I could not return back to the house.
I arrived at Police custody suite and was read my rights, belt taken,money , watch + mobile phone etc all "bagged" and then i was put in a cell. I was then Photographed, DNA tested etc. etc. My "brief" on legal aid was coming, i was told.
I didnt sleep that night and with the neon lights on constantly, a thin blanket for warmth and no-one knowing where i was, I was allowed a phone call, the next morning, from my cell (listened into) and phoned my best mate, who could then call my father and sister. This was now New Years Eve.
At 5,30pm - After being there all the previous night and most of the day...My "brief" arrived.
After being interviewed; I was then released that evening (NYE) at nearly 8pm and told not to return back to the house.
Subsequesnt to this date; I was Re-Bailed a total of 6 times!
At one of the Re-Bail attendances, in April, my wife had made further false allegations (Probably pressurised by the cops as there was no evidence on the marital rape) and I was then accused of ABH aagainst my wife and Child Assault (For swearing in front of them , apparently!).
After being accused of Child Assault, I was then told i could NOT make any contact whatsoever with my boys. My boys I had been seeing every weekend, up until then, and I had them all over that Easter for 4 days and we had great days out etc.
This was very cruel. I ended up NOT seeing my 3 boys ALL summer (from April to October, the other week)
Finally; After £26,000 spent legal fees, which included defending a non-molestation order that my wife also put on me; Divorce letters firing back+forth and a last minute desperate letter to the Chief Constable of Surrey Police and my MP, All three charges of marital rape; ABH and Child assault were NFA'd, last week.
I feel totally numb!... And I'm left wondering "what the f*ck was that all about"?!!
So; What did I learn, that I can pass on to you,the reader, If you are going through the waiting game / Bail?
1) Dont trust the Police at all !!.
They are NOT your friends! and the Police force of 2014 is NOT "Dixon of Dock Green", anymore. Its about "Targets" and how they can get a charge by whatever means.
In one of my interviews (Or "Chats" as the OIC called it and who wanted me to come in for WITHOUT my lawyer!), I was advised by my lawyer to say "No Comment" throughout for over 2hours. This cxomment is NOT new...and I see alot of the other posts on the forum saying the same thing. The Police will lie to you, to get a reaction out of you, they will loose evidence if it looks in your favour and not the "victims", they will change facts around to confuse you and get you to confess something "that you may later rely on in court" etc. So; DONT TRUST 'EM !!...And sadly; I now have a completely different view of the Police than i did a year ago...
2) Always take your brief / lawyer with you to the Police Station. Always!!...And NEVER have a Police interview without them - Even if you have to wait ages for your brief!!!. The Police will say its "just a chat" (as they did with me)...Again DONT TRUST THEM!
3) Start your own "blog/ Diary" and get that "Timeline" going as soon as you can...
Back it up on different devices, incase its lost (But NEVER take into the Police station with you, as they can seize it, if they wish and it could contain information that you may want to use if charged) . I kept my diary/ blog on a word document from Day 1, as i was so incensed by it all and needed to write down things. I used to put the date and what had happened etc. I also then built up dates and times in a timeline and put in great graphic detail exactly what happened leading upto the night of the arrest.
I then broke bits down to the different charges and then broke those down further with numbering facts against her that didnt make sense or were questionable. For example; My wife had said in a sworn statement i was a danger to her and the children. On the same day, A solicitors letter arrived from her solicitor stating her client (my wife) wanted me to look after the boys over Easter and take them on holiday. Talk about contradictory evidence!. There were many other examples like this, which if used in court, would be used against her to prove my innocence!
The diary also served as a good Karma for me and was quite cathartic once I had finished everything and at every angle. I felt happier that I had every angle covered, so that I could send it off to Gerry McDonald (of EBR Attridge Solicitors, who i spoke to - Thanks Gerry for the chat and glad, in the nicest way, i dont need you!) , for example
I also strongly believed my wife was Narcisstic or suffering from Border Line Personality Disorder (BPD) - which is quite common for wives "going nuts" to suffer from. They sometimes say its a mid-lfe crisis..but my wife was alot worse than just a mid-life crisis!.
I therefore researched this alot !...And even how to deal with Narcissists in court, if "god-forbid", it had finally gone that way!.
I started with the timeline and then looked at contradictory evidence and things that didnt make sense at all and her "background" and anything my son had told me, before i was stopped seeing him, on the night of the arrest. Absolutely anything !!! You are now the detective here and you have to fight that you are NOT guilty of anything.
4) Stay strong! + Look after yourself. Eat well and spoil yourself occasionally. Dont be an Arthur Fowler and collapse in a heap and feel sorry for yourself. Be yourself + BE STRONG and you can beat this.
It is, and i have read (and dont use lightly here !), Like having cancer..Fight it !!
If youve never joined a gym?...Join one now! + take your stress,anger and frustrations out at the gym. You also start to loose some weight and start to have some pride in yourself and like yourself and look forward to your life beyond this horrible event in your life. it also gets you into some routine. I also carried on with going to work, in London, every day. It kept my mind off things and forced me to focus on other things. You also have some good colleagues,maybe, who you can talk to in confidence?. Dont tell your boss though, unless he/she can be trusted and a grood friend. As remember; Sh*t sometimes sticks!!
I also joined a dating site (No; I wasnt put off with women!) and met someone else, who i am still with and has been fantastic support and proves that there are nice women out there.
5) Friends and Family. I have some great friends and my sister and family were brilliant and always there for a talk, when i had "down days" (You will have ALOT !!).
You also learn who your TRUE friends are?. Some "friends" shunned me and other friends, who had not been the best of friends, really "shone" and became brilliant, without being too nosey and just occasionally called and checking i was ok etc. This episode in your life will REALLY show who are your TRUE friends in life are ...and who arent!. So; Something good comes out of it.
6) Keep your hobbies going. Pour yourself into something you enjoy doing and KEEP BUSY !!. Mine are cars..and I still kept helping in my car club, at weekends and as I couldnt see my boys, who used to go, I invited friends and my father along instead. My Father and I have a good bond and my bond now with my sister is the best ever!!
7) Believe in yourself. You know you are innocent,remember!.
I read the blogs on here and was convinced it would all go to court.
Apart from the cost and the time without my boys...I also didnt want my boys subjected to all of this!
8) Keep reading this site. Its brilliant and if people such as i can add to it, to help others out there...It has to help...and anyone reading this and going thrtough similar experiences to myself and others here...You have my deepest sympathies!...But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you and if you keep busy, it will go alot quicker.
9) If , like me, you are using a solicitor for your divorce...DONT!!, unless they are needed to defend yourself on a Non Molestation Order (using a Barrister). As said; I eneded up spending £26,000 and I havent even really started my divorce yet.
Nothing in a divorce can be sorted out whilst you are on Bail. An FDR cannot and will not go ahead if there is a question of a custodial sentence. Therefore; Save your money and write the solicitors letters to your spouses solictor YOURSELF.
Get a template together and write "nice, polite letters" to their questions ...and you wont be charged the usual £275+VAT/Hour + save yourself a fortune. It took me a while to cotton onto this...and as said, nothing can happen in the divorce until it is NFA'd, anyway. Solicitors know this...but wont tell you and will be happy to keep taking your money writing to your spouses
One of the best things i did do, however, was use my criminal solicitor to write a letter to the Chief Constable and my MP. I wrote the letter and apparently Police dont like letters from MP's and have to respond. Do this if its months and months and youve heard nothing?. I wrote in the letter some inconsistencies woth my wifes actions (kept other facts back).
10) Keep reading this forum and if, like me, you come out after 10months with an NFA !! ...Do others a favour and write about it, like i have and give others out there some faith that they are good people and that justice will prevail
And finally; Its in the news again...Bail and time it takes!...Lets get petitioning against its duration, as it really should be limited to 28 days or a few months only...Not go on like my 10months OR longer,like some of them here on this forum!
As a footnote...
I got to see my eldest and youngest boys the other night.
However; My wife is now stopping me seeing the 2 youngest. Its a "control thing" and Im hoping it passes...But im not going to fight it. I know they love me and she, eventually, will end up a very sad person whereby our boys will abandon her for being so cruel, i hope.
Good luck my friends and a big thankyou to ALL the main contributors on here ..You do an excellent job and you really helped me - Thankyou again!!
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