Not sure how I feel or how I should feel :(

[tinkerbell1986]

Please bear with me as this is the first time I have posted on this forum and I'm not even sure I'm doing the right thing.

My husband and I have been together nearly 8 years and only got married last November. We met when we were 16 (me) and 17 (him), got together at 17 and 18, then I was at uni and him in low paid jobs so still living with our parents. We got engaged at 20 and 21 when we'd been together for 3.5 years and moved in together at 21 and 22 when we had been together for 4 years. When we moved in together we had my student debts to pay off, then saved for a couple of nice holidays then saved for our wedding, getting married last year.

We've had our little ups and downs over the years after most couples do but the past few months have been hell. We seem to argue all the time, really get at each other, don't spend much quality time together and in all honesty seem a bit fed up of each other. This is not how I expected married life to be.

The last straw was as follows. While we were on our honeymoon in Florida, the space shuttle should have been launched from Kennedy Space Centre but was cancelled. My husband is really into that stuff and was gutted. Each month our salaries go into a joint account where all our bills come out of and money goes into our joint savings account (for a deposit on a house), then we transfer equal amounts into our own separate accounts for our own spending. Being a woman I generally spend my money each month but my husband saves some of his. Because we missed he shuttle launch he decided to use his saved money to go back to Florida last week for when it was rearranged. I couldn't afford to go (none of my own savings) so stayed at home, which was fair enough. I missed him desperately and he was away for 10 days which seemed like forever. I stayed at home with 2 cats for company, worked and did housework while he had a great time on holiday. The shuttle didn't go up again and one of the first things he said when he came back was that he wants to go again in July when it has been rescheduled for. He didn't even seem to have missed me that much and obviously isn't bothered about spending another week or so away from me in just a couple of months time. There was no invite for me. He also mentioned that a couple of friends he has out there (he met online and spent time with them last week) are planning to tour Europe next year. He has offered for them to stay with us while in England (fine by me) but then says he is going to join them for the rest of their tour, again me not invited.

I am really hurt that he seems to want to spend so much time apart and that he wants to travel and great experiences with other people rather than me. Also, these friends seem to have a great influence on him. I have tried to convince him over the years that we should have some holidays in Europe (only ever been to America together) and he's always turned his nose up and told me how sh*t it would be. Now suddenly he's keen to tour the whole continent with them. While he was in Florida he tried all sorts of new foods (Mexican, Japanese, etc) whereas usually he is very fussy and would refuse to eat anything like that if I suggested it.

Anyway, sorry this is so long but I do feel better getting it off my chest. Do I have a right to feel hurt or am I being unreasonable? We've barely spoken since he got back. He knows I'm upset but just doesn't seem to care. He says I am being rediculous and we can't spend 24/7 together. I'm very happy not to spend 24/7 together and think time apart does couples good, but I never expected to get married and then start planning almost separate lives. At this rate I really can't see us being married long term and this kills me. We just seem to be falling apart and he is getting further and further away from me emotionally and I don't know what to do.

Please help me and please be honest.

[Casehardened]

Hello Tinkerbelle.

I'm not sure that I'm the right person to advise you (unless it is from the perspective of the wandering husband) but just wanted to say that there are current technical problems with the board (i.e. it's not possible at the moment to search for new postings)

When this is sorted you should get more replies (most folks just head straight to the Falsely Accused section)

[Phoenix]

Dear Tinkerbelle,

What a lovely post! Right from the heart and so obviously full of caring and tolerance and understanding!

God, if only there were easy answers to questions like that. We're all different and so is every marriage.

Sometimes in even the best relationship you're going to clash or find areas where he wants one thing and you another. Sometimes one partner can get obsessive or whatever and that causes problems.

I think sometimes it helps to talk but of course some men find it difficult to talk about their feelings.

How big an issue is it for you? I mean, do you feel he's pushing you out of his life in some way or is it just a dip or some temporary adjustment?

Believe it or not, I'm a good listener and I've helped quite a few friends through some difficult times in their lives.

I'm always happy to try and help if you'd like that.

(OK, that sounded as if I was some sort of guru; of course I'm not. I'm just a woman with a heart, a mind and a listening ear who's pretty good with empathy.)

Not much, I know, but if you want it it's on offer.

Love and hugs!

[Saffron]

Great post WF!
Tinkerbelle, I have been married for almost 14 years, we were together for 2 and a half years before we got married.
All I can tell you is that I have taken the rough with the smooth. There have been times when I hae seriously wanted to throw in the towel on our relationship but I didn't....and I am so glad that I chose to see it out. I know it sounds crazy, but the more storms you survive, the stronger you become.
Hang in there.

[Rights Fighter]

Tinkerbelle - why don't you head of somewhere lovely with some friends of your own? If you do that when he gets back home then he might find he misses you and might cause him to have a rethink.

[littlemoo]

Tinkerbelle,
First - you feel what you feel and that is not wrong and you have the right to feel whatever you do.
Second - if it bothers you then it is important, and is not likely to just go away by itself.
After that, my advice becomes a bit more wooly.
You probably want to talk to him about how you feel Try not to accuse him of stuff, just explain like you have on here and see how he responds, and go from there. Probably the most difficult response to deal with will be if he doesn't seem bothered.
It is possible that because you got together when you were quite young, he is trying to spread his wings a bit and do things without you and find things out from other people. It is also possible that some of the hurt you are feeling is bcause you are waiting for him, while he is doing what he wants. I'm not sure what advice to give to either of these, they are just thoughts that i got from reading your post.

since it's been a while from your post, i hope you are managing to get though it.
Jo