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Firstly, i find this really difficult to write cos i know that many of you on here are still in that difficult land of the unknown.. i guess i should advise that if not nfa or ng yet than don't read on...
But... i feel that i should share my experience of trying to move on after a NFA cos you dream it's gonna to be simple, the following day you're going to wake up and feel fab but it isn't the case, in some ways the hardest part is afterwards because you're not relying on anyone else to make 'things better', its all down to you.
Firstly, the physical effect... When you've been fighting for weeks/months/years when you get that news expect your immune system to go all crazy. When my OH phoned to tell me its been NFA he said he remembers that by the end of the phonecall i had already comedown with a sore throat, a couple of weeks later i was bed bound and even months later my energy levels were non existant. My doctor who is fantastic did say to expect at least 6 months before seeing improvement, and she was very very true.. althought on a practical level multivitamens did help as well
Next.. i guess its about the mental health.. what hit me the most was the realisation that they wenr't going to take any action against the accusers and the others involved in this evil scheme. It hit me like a brick wall at that realisation that there really seems to be no justice in this world is that is hard. We had a great family practitioner who had been through a false accusation herself. She knew that there was going to be no action taken as "there never is", she also knew the family that caused us the hassle (got someone to make the accusation) and warned us that they would try and be freinds with us again... she was right.. although i think she got the message that it wasn't going to happen!
The family practioner also recomended to keep talking about it.. and i think that is so true. Me and hubby just talked and talked, and at first an hour didn't go by without us mentioning it. Some things that didn't bother me about it, bothered him and vica a versa. It is not good to bottle it up (unless you really do want bad ptsd) but after a few months (or maybe longer) i found that it was starting to be that i've talked enough about it now.. things come up, obviously, but i feel that i've talked my way through it.., i that make sense??
Next, i hated it when the moment i told people the good news that its been nfa'd they say "oh, excellent, so please you can move on now, put it behind you i know they had the best intentions but i hoestly did feel like thumping them. First thing is to get practical stuff sorted (crb/dbs problems,social services involvementsm maybe even living arrangements) but just moving on from so long of being a victim of crime (because that's what you are) is not easy. But, i really think you have to look at each decision you make next as whats best for YOU and YOUR FAMILY.
Here's my examples...
1. Persue the FA as have major proof it was false accusation... decided to say NO. I felt like what was not good for my family, my 3 young children, is to spend months/years talking to solicitors, police and goodness-knows-who-else and it may result in the outcome we don't want.
2. Move home... the people who got the people to make the accusation live a few doors away and have children who go to the same small village school opposite our house.. i love our home, the school have been and are amazing and after all my children have been through moving schools would just destroy them.
3. revenge... i guess this is where my christianity comes in a bit, i have thought about revenge.. big time, anything and everything from lying to the police to a glitter bomb through the post.. but the worst revenge really is getting on with your lifes and having a happy life (or at least looks like a happy life to them)
4. Going to the FA workplace... hell yeah, this woman works in a great supermaket where i buy most of my weekly shopping, i'm not going to spend more just because she's there, and yes it brings me slight pleasure seeing her face go white, arguing with her boss because she doesnt want to be on the till and physically shaking
you know what... the list could go on, but with each challenge, yes, we need ot fight for justice, and try to put the wrongdoings right in this world, but focus first on yourself and your family because if you loose your family or have a mental breakdown... the fa then truly has won.
Kids.. i guess if you focus on your family than the kids will heal over time. It's hard and i think with children you have to remember that there alot smarter than what you know, and you have to be more honest with them than you think. It took a few months for my eldest to not get upset when daddy goes out the door, but i think each step and 'problem' you have to forget about the deep phsycology and really focus hard on fixing things practically. Also my OH had to tell me to stop getting in the habit of thinking.. "they failed at blah blah in school all because of what happened", no, accept they went through a rough time but its no more excuses and looking foward to the future.
Oh, and one more thing, if like my hubby there was bail conditions and those conditions where lifted don't do what my OH did and drive down that road straight away because you can, he said actually, it made him feel like he was winding up accuser on purpose, although he wasn't, and he felt really wierd doing it, he said he just felt better with the freedom of knowing that he had.. well freedom
I apologise if some (or most) of that is confusing but i felt like i really needed to share my experience/advice because it isn't happily ever after, but it can be the start of a new beginning
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But... i feel that i should share my experience of trying to move on after a NFA cos you dream it's gonna to be simple, the following day you're going to wake up and feel fab but it isn't the case, in some ways the hardest part is afterwards because you're not relying on anyone else to make 'things better', its all down to you.
Firstly, the physical effect... When you've been fighting for weeks/months/years when you get that news expect your immune system to go all crazy. When my OH phoned to tell me its been NFA he said he remembers that by the end of the phonecall i had already comedown with a sore throat, a couple of weeks later i was bed bound and even months later my energy levels were non existant. My doctor who is fantastic did say to expect at least 6 months before seeing improvement, and she was very very true.. althought on a practical level multivitamens did help as well
Next.. i guess its about the mental health.. what hit me the most was the realisation that they wenr't going to take any action against the accusers and the others involved in this evil scheme. It hit me like a brick wall at that realisation that there really seems to be no justice in this world is that is hard. We had a great family practitioner who had been through a false accusation herself. She knew that there was going to be no action taken as "there never is", she also knew the family that caused us the hassle (got someone to make the accusation) and warned us that they would try and be freinds with us again... she was right.. although i think she got the message that it wasn't going to happen!
The family practioner also recomended to keep talking about it.. and i think that is so true. Me and hubby just talked and talked, and at first an hour didn't go by without us mentioning it. Some things that didn't bother me about it, bothered him and vica a versa. It is not good to bottle it up (unless you really do want bad ptsd) but after a few months (or maybe longer) i found that it was starting to be that i've talked enough about it now.. things come up, obviously, but i feel that i've talked my way through it.., i that make sense??
Next, i hated it when the moment i told people the good news that its been nfa'd they say "oh, excellent, so please you can move on now, put it behind you i know they had the best intentions but i hoestly did feel like thumping them. First thing is to get practical stuff sorted (crb/dbs problems,social services involvementsm maybe even living arrangements) but just moving on from so long of being a victim of crime (because that's what you are) is not easy. But, i really think you have to look at each decision you make next as whats best for YOU and YOUR FAMILY.
Here's my examples...
1. Persue the FA as have major proof it was false accusation... decided to say NO. I felt like what was not good for my family, my 3 young children, is to spend months/years talking to solicitors, police and goodness-knows-who-else and it may result in the outcome we don't want.
2. Move home... the people who got the people to make the accusation live a few doors away and have children who go to the same small village school opposite our house.. i love our home, the school have been and are amazing and after all my children have been through moving schools would just destroy them.
3. revenge... i guess this is where my christianity comes in a bit, i have thought about revenge.. big time, anything and everything from lying to the police to a glitter bomb through the post.. but the worst revenge really is getting on with your lifes and having a happy life (or at least looks like a happy life to them)
4. Going to the FA workplace... hell yeah, this woman works in a great supermaket where i buy most of my weekly shopping, i'm not going to spend more just because she's there, and yes it brings me slight pleasure seeing her face go white, arguing with her boss because she doesnt want to be on the till and physically shaking
you know what... the list could go on, but with each challenge, yes, we need ot fight for justice, and try to put the wrongdoings right in this world, but focus first on yourself and your family because if you loose your family or have a mental breakdown... the fa then truly has won.
Kids.. i guess if you focus on your family than the kids will heal over time. It's hard and i think with children you have to remember that there alot smarter than what you know, and you have to be more honest with them than you think. It took a few months for my eldest to not get upset when daddy goes out the door, but i think each step and 'problem' you have to forget about the deep phsycology and really focus hard on fixing things practically. Also my OH had to tell me to stop getting in the habit of thinking.. "they failed at blah blah in school all because of what happened", no, accept they went through a rough time but its no more excuses and looking foward to the future.
Oh, and one more thing, if like my hubby there was bail conditions and those conditions where lifted don't do what my OH did and drive down that road straight away because you can, he said actually, it made him feel like he was winding up accuser on purpose, although he wasn't, and he felt really wierd doing it, he said he just felt better with the freedom of knowing that he had.. well freedom
I apologise if some (or most) of that is confusing but i felt like i really needed to share my experience/advice because it isn't happily ever after, but it can be the start of a new beginning
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx