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Some good news + some help for those going through this nightmare
Last November I was falsely accused of attempted rape after I went to a hotel with someone I met in a bar. We were intimate together at the hotel and nothing unusual happened (no issues between us and the person left on good terms-so I thought)
A few hours later police arrived in my room and arrested me, took me back to the station and kept me in a cell overnight and well into the next today. I was interviewed and told that this person had accused me of attempting to rape them and some other things as well, such as forcibly trying to prevent the person from leaving. All of this was false but of course, my word was not enough for the police.
I won’t go into all the details of the time that followed being arrested, but it was extremely traumatic experience. With many days in a total panic, and at the worst points feeling like I couldn’t cope with life at all.
I was due to answer bail next week, however the police phoned yesterday and I finally got the news that the CPS had decided that it was NFA (No further action) and finally this awful nightmare is OVER!!
After going through this I would like to share some of the things which kept me going for others going through the nightmare. Mostly this is to do with coping. So I hope the following may be of help to someone
> Firstly and most importantly
Life will get better. I say this as someone who lost a friend to suicide a year ago. You may be under a cloud today, but the sun will come out again. Don’t lose sight of this. I found this saying helpful: “If you’re in hell, keep going”. You can and will be happy again and positivity is needed in your situation to help keep fighting. You can approach this problem with fear, panic and sadness or you can approach it with positivity, confidence and your head held high. The latter, will only be of help to you and will make everything easier. Whatever happens you will be OK -someone who is terminally ill can enjoy life. So can you.
> When you’re ready. Consider the worst
I found that after a month or so of panic and worry, it was helpful to acknowledge the worst case scenario which for me would be 1) Getting Charged, 2) Going to court and everyone knowing, 3) the possibility of a sentence. Thinking about the these things in the context that I knew I had done nothing wrong was very helpful. I was able to think about how I would approach the worst case and what I would say. For example: I planned what my statement to others might be if I had to go to court eg.’I have been accused of something I’m not guilty of and I’m looking forward to getting the chance to clear my name’ If you are able to accept the worst case, some of the fear fades away and it helps you to stop catastrophizing.
> Writing messages
One of the main things which helped me was to write messages to myself, when I was feeling positive. I was able to effectively give myself some advice for the times when things got bad. I simply kept a draft email, which I would update with messages, good things to remember, how to keep positive, etc. Whenever things got tough I could pull out my phone and read through the messages to help keep me up. Eg. One of the things I had in my message was the next one:
> Have some time off the problem
Everyone needs a break and it’s OK to have some time off the problem. Even if it’s for just a few hours, set aside some time to do this, don’t think about it and allow yourself this time off. Set a time-limit if you have to and then focus on having a break and doing something or watching something you enjoy.
> Telling People
In the first few days after my arrest I told no-one. After a week of not eating or sleeping and the realisation that the police and CPS process was going to take months, I ended up telling my wife that I had cheated on her, and that I had been arrested. Following this I told my parents, who were nothing but supportive. And a few weeks later I told one of my closest friends. The experience of telling people was very traumatic, however there is a lot of comfort to be gained by sharing your problem. I have become much closer to my parents and myself and my wife are healing and going away together on holiday soon. You need a friend, so don’t be afraid to tell someone.
Personally, I would not tell anyone else including your workplace unless for some reason you are definitely obliged to (i.e. a teacher or similar profession). Make sure they don’t know until such a point where you have to tell them as you need to protect your income/career.
> Positive changes
About a month or so after being arrested I started to turn my life around in a few areas. I read about drinking problems and acknowledged that I had a problem, and I’ll bet a lot of people on this website are dangerous drinkers too. I found some comfort in realising that Alcohol had been the cause of some my problems in life. I stopped smoking and drinking and a couple of months later I feel great, healthy, positive, more money in my pocket and I feel totally in control. Although you are going through an awful experience, can you use it as actually an opportunity to turn a corner and lead a more healthy and positive life, the feeling that you are making positive steps in your life feels great and will help you a lot in your situation. If you hit rock bottom, the only way is up
> This website/Other websites
Be wary of spending too much time online looking at info about rape crimes etc. This website helped me a great deal so thank you to everyone on here. However on some days it really did not help, for a couple of reasons. 1) Reading about others situations can be scary, especially those who have gone to court or worse. 2) Some of the most helpful and knowledgeable people on here are very used to dealing with the topics of court and prison and so they may sometimes lack tact- which again can be very scary to someone who is desperately worried. It’s a bit like looking online about a minor medical complaint and then panicking that you might have cancer. You can easily get carried away reading other stories online which can lead to ruminating and excessive worry.
> Counselling
I had a few days off work for stress whilst dealing with this, and my employer as a result of me taking time off for stress offered me to see a professional counsellor. This was by far the most helpful thing in my whole situation. I cannot stress this enough, you need some help and support if you’ve been arrested, and a good counsellor will give you that. Pay for it, if you have to. My counsellor even had a lot of experience of the criminal justice system, and how to handle my employers if I ended up having to tell them about my arrest. I often thought counsellors would not be able to tell me anything I didn’t already know. I was very wrong about this. I’ve learned loads from my counsellor and I’m not sure how I would have coped without. If you follow any of my advice, follow this one and see if you can organise a way to see a counsellor either via the NHS or if you can privately as this will help to ensure you get seen asap (which is important in your situation).
The Samaritans and other charities are great organisations but really you need a professional counsellor to see you on a regular basis to help keep you strong -which you will need to be.
Finally, thanks again to those on the site who have helped me with advice and to the organisers of the website and best of luck to everyone who is in this situation.
A few hours later police arrived in my room and arrested me, took me back to the station and kept me in a cell overnight and well into the next today. I was interviewed and told that this person had accused me of attempting to rape them and some other things as well, such as forcibly trying to prevent the person from leaving. All of this was false but of course, my word was not enough for the police.
I won’t go into all the details of the time that followed being arrested, but it was extremely traumatic experience. With many days in a total panic, and at the worst points feeling like I couldn’t cope with life at all.
I was due to answer bail next week, however the police phoned yesterday and I finally got the news that the CPS had decided that it was NFA (No further action) and finally this awful nightmare is OVER!!
After going through this I would like to share some of the things which kept me going for others going through the nightmare. Mostly this is to do with coping. So I hope the following may be of help to someone
> Firstly and most importantly
Life will get better. I say this as someone who lost a friend to suicide a year ago. You may be under a cloud today, but the sun will come out again. Don’t lose sight of this. I found this saying helpful: “If you’re in hell, keep going”. You can and will be happy again and positivity is needed in your situation to help keep fighting. You can approach this problem with fear, panic and sadness or you can approach it with positivity, confidence and your head held high. The latter, will only be of help to you and will make everything easier. Whatever happens you will be OK -someone who is terminally ill can enjoy life. So can you.
> When you’re ready. Consider the worst
I found that after a month or so of panic and worry, it was helpful to acknowledge the worst case scenario which for me would be 1) Getting Charged, 2) Going to court and everyone knowing, 3) the possibility of a sentence. Thinking about the these things in the context that I knew I had done nothing wrong was very helpful. I was able to think about how I would approach the worst case and what I would say. For example: I planned what my statement to others might be if I had to go to court eg.’I have been accused of something I’m not guilty of and I’m looking forward to getting the chance to clear my name’ If you are able to accept the worst case, some of the fear fades away and it helps you to stop catastrophizing.
> Writing messages
One of the main things which helped me was to write messages to myself, when I was feeling positive. I was able to effectively give myself some advice for the times when things got bad. I simply kept a draft email, which I would update with messages, good things to remember, how to keep positive, etc. Whenever things got tough I could pull out my phone and read through the messages to help keep me up. Eg. One of the things I had in my message was the next one:
> Have some time off the problem
Everyone needs a break and it’s OK to have some time off the problem. Even if it’s for just a few hours, set aside some time to do this, don’t think about it and allow yourself this time off. Set a time-limit if you have to and then focus on having a break and doing something or watching something you enjoy.
> Telling People
In the first few days after my arrest I told no-one. After a week of not eating or sleeping and the realisation that the police and CPS process was going to take months, I ended up telling my wife that I had cheated on her, and that I had been arrested. Following this I told my parents, who were nothing but supportive. And a few weeks later I told one of my closest friends. The experience of telling people was very traumatic, however there is a lot of comfort to be gained by sharing your problem. I have become much closer to my parents and myself and my wife are healing and going away together on holiday soon. You need a friend, so don’t be afraid to tell someone.
Personally, I would not tell anyone else including your workplace unless for some reason you are definitely obliged to (i.e. a teacher or similar profession). Make sure they don’t know until such a point where you have to tell them as you need to protect your income/career.
> Positive changes
About a month or so after being arrested I started to turn my life around in a few areas. I read about drinking problems and acknowledged that I had a problem, and I’ll bet a lot of people on this website are dangerous drinkers too. I found some comfort in realising that Alcohol had been the cause of some my problems in life. I stopped smoking and drinking and a couple of months later I feel great, healthy, positive, more money in my pocket and I feel totally in control. Although you are going through an awful experience, can you use it as actually an opportunity to turn a corner and lead a more healthy and positive life, the feeling that you are making positive steps in your life feels great and will help you a lot in your situation. If you hit rock bottom, the only way is up
> This website/Other websites
Be wary of spending too much time online looking at info about rape crimes etc. This website helped me a great deal so thank you to everyone on here. However on some days it really did not help, for a couple of reasons. 1) Reading about others situations can be scary, especially those who have gone to court or worse. 2) Some of the most helpful and knowledgeable people on here are very used to dealing with the topics of court and prison and so they may sometimes lack tact- which again can be very scary to someone who is desperately worried. It’s a bit like looking online about a minor medical complaint and then panicking that you might have cancer. You can easily get carried away reading other stories online which can lead to ruminating and excessive worry.
> Counselling
I had a few days off work for stress whilst dealing with this, and my employer as a result of me taking time off for stress offered me to see a professional counsellor. This was by far the most helpful thing in my whole situation. I cannot stress this enough, you need some help and support if you’ve been arrested, and a good counsellor will give you that. Pay for it, if you have to. My counsellor even had a lot of experience of the criminal justice system, and how to handle my employers if I ended up having to tell them about my arrest. I often thought counsellors would not be able to tell me anything I didn’t already know. I was very wrong about this. I’ve learned loads from my counsellor and I’m not sure how I would have coped without. If you follow any of my advice, follow this one and see if you can organise a way to see a counsellor either via the NHS or if you can privately as this will help to ensure you get seen asap (which is important in your situation).
The Samaritans and other charities are great organisations but really you need a professional counsellor to see you on a regular basis to help keep you strong -which you will need to be.
Finally, thanks again to those on the site who have helped me with advice and to the organisers of the website and best of luck to everyone who is in this situation.