been raped...now struggling with a new trauma

[bellygoddess]

i was raped in the past,and recently went for a smear test at my drs.The nurse who did it inserted the speculum,and it got more and more painful until i cried out in pain.She asked if i was ok and i said no and asked her to remove it.She said i had a tucked cervix and that she had had to open it.She ignored my request and said she was nearly done.I was in tears and in shock.She then asked me if i examined my breast regularly and did i want a leaflet.Then she said was i ok to get my clothes back on,and left me before i answered,bleeding and in pain on the exam couch.I left really upset and later that day had some more bleeding and internal pain.I got home really in shock and phoned my drs and asked to speak to another nurse who i trusted,and told her about it all.She was great and said i could make a complaint and gave me the practise managers name.She also spoke to the other nurse who did it who said i shouldnt have felt that much pain (not very helpful!).And that i could come in and be examined by dr to check out my pains.But at that point i didnt want anyone else to touch me! I wrote a letter of complaint and then went on holiday still traumatised two days later.When i got back id got several messages from the practise manager,and she phoned me this monday.She sounded nice but tried to push me into a meeting with her and the nurse and a dr from there to discuss it.She said,so that i could feel happy to go there and be treated by this nurse again.I felt so upset on the phone and felt like i cant see her again.She said could i let her know by the end of this week if i wanted to arrange the meeting.I said i would see her and the nurse,although i felt pressured to say it.
I feel like the nurse assaulted me with the speculum.It set off some bad flashbacks to my rape and i felt horrible and dirty afterwards,but angry towards myself for allowing that to happen to me.Ive since spoken to a support worker from rugby rosa,a rape charity,who rings me every week,which has helped a bit,and she helped me to realise i have choices here.But im terrified of going to this meeting and merely being told the medical bits about what happened,and that if i say i dont want to be treated by this nurse again,they may ask me to leave the surgery.
I also have ocd brought on by the stress of my rape,which started four years ago,and is now flaring up because im so stressed.but if i dont go i wont get any response from the nurse and i would like an apology.The practise manager said the nurse was upset about how i felt etc,and that this was the first complaint shed had about this nurse in the ten years shed worked there.Ive also since found out that opening the cervix is NOT a part of a smear test,as id already thought.The nurse gave no explanation of why she was doing this until AFTER shed done it during the test.Im angry that she didnt honour my request to take the speculum out.And that she ignored me being upset.
i really need some support right now,can anyone help?

[quiet]

Hi
sorry to hear about what you've been through. I have had smear tests that hurt, although the nurse didi stop when i asked her to. I now don't have them cos I don't want to have to deal wiith the pain
your nurse should never have carried on if you asked her not to,uhey do though - some of mine did while i was giving boirth- the exams hurt more than the birth itself ( i was ojn an epidural by that point)

i think it is a serious complaint, especially with your history.
i have found the NHS complaints page if you want to take the complaint further.

If you do decide to see the practice manager, then you should take someone else with you as support and both have a good idea of the points youi want to cover before you go in.
I think you should go if you can, but i can see that loosing your place in the pracatice could be a big worry, as could intimidation.

either way, best wishes

[Rights Fighter]

I had a similar experience some years ago when I went for a smear test. I fainted with the pain and when I came to I was half sat up looking at several blobs of blood and I was provided with a massive sanitary towel afterwards.

The GP who did it then shoved me off into another room and spend about 20 minutes telling me that he has done "hundreds" of these smears and that some women bleed. I told him that had never happened to me in the past - I thought it was odd that he took the time to do this considering he had a waiting room full of patients waiting to be seen.

I went to another doctor 3 months later as I had a letter saying there was an abnormality. The doc I went to see was miles away but he done done my smears previously with no pain at all. That test came back clear.

I really do feel for you. It's horrible but you need to pluck up courage to keep having them even if you have to get some Diazepam first to help you relax beforehand. It would be worse if you ended up with Cancer because you don't go back.

I found that having them on my side helped - I was told I have a tilted womb.

[Saffron]

This nurse was insensitive at best, negligent at worst. Just because she hasn't had a complaint made against her does not mean that people have been 100% happy with her! I have had painful smears before, and the nurse has always stopped and used a smaller speculum. They come in different sizes, believe it or not!
I agree that taking a friend with you is probably the best course of action. That way you will have someone to support you, and if you "lose your way" while they are talking to you, your friend can prompt you.
I would urge both of you to continue to have your smear tests. I have had 2 with pre-cancerous cells, which were treated easily. Now I have to go every year because I am "high risk". Please do not stop going!

[bellygoddess]

HI

Hi,thankyou so much for ur responses.I dont think i have anybody who can go with me,so that scares me a bit.My worst fear is being fobbed off or being made to think im being difficult for complaining.I know no matter what i say they probably wont understand how horrible it was for me.But i think i need to go,and use what strength i have left right now to stand up for myself.Ill regret it if i didnt.I hope the practise manager has my letter there to refer to.I wish id kept a copy of it.Im going to phone the manager tomorrow to set up the meeting.God i hate this! ive got too much to deal with right now.Ive been very depressed and upset today because of my ocd and this stuff.I feel ive reached my limit really.If it wasnt for my daughter i dont know where id be..thanks everyonex

[Saffron]

Children are a blessing like that aren't they? You can't afford to fall apart because you know you need to be strong for them. During my darkest moments, only the thought of my son kept me going! I have a daughter now too, but she wasn't born when my nightmare happened. I love them both to bits and would do anything for them.

[bellygoddess]

still sruggling here and feeling very alone..

well,i didnt ring her this week like i was supposed to.I waited until today to ring the practise manager.I think i thought it might all go away or something! I was going to ring her today once id got hold of my friend,who i wanted to go with me.Only she was at work til five,so i couldnt speak to her until after then.Then when i rang my friend she was busy so said could she ring me later.I then tried to ring the practice manager,and it was an answerphone.Although i was glad in a way i didnt get to speak to her as i was very nervous.Now i will have to ring her on monday.I need to sort this out,but i wish id got someone to go with me.Im really scared,in fact terrified of what will be said at the meeting,and worried that they will blame me for not saying before the test that i had had a past trauma.But i didnt know the test was going to be that painful,or cause me to flashback like that! i just want all this sorted out as the stress is really making me feel bad.

[friday]

could you ask to have it noted that you were raped and therefore the nurse should be sensitive? i have because i was unable to get the sti tests done for a year because i was scared it would bring back memories. if they are aware they may be more understanding about why you can't relax, are scared etc.

sorry to hear you had such a bad experience. i dont have any advice.

[bellygoddess]

HI

Yeah,i suppose it could do.But im not sure i want it on file really,as its giving me a label i think.i was relaxed before she did it,well as much as any woman can be before something like that.So i dont think i tensed up.The pain i had was caused by what she did though,not by me not being relaxed.