Tweet
Hi, I have only read a few posts here so far.... I had something awful happen to me 2 months ago by the father of my child which has happened on a previous occasion when I was pregnant also.
I have reported him to the police, he was put on remand and now he has been let out on a tag and strict bail conditions are in place. I am jumpy, having sleepless nights, I feel angry, betrayed, dont like people touching me not even my kids, I wake up at 4am every morning. I keep thinking I see him everywhere, I am going out of my mind. One day I act as if nothing has happened and the next day I am in a panick leading eventually to having a panick attack set off by the smallest of things. I feel extremely low in mood and feel like my confidence has been knocked out of me. I cant make decisions for myself, I question everything that I am doing and double check any safety measures that are in place, such as locked doors, alarms etc.....
I wonder, if anyone will ever want to be with me. My self esteem is at an all time low. I cry because I am snappy with my children and take it out on them and they look at me and wonder where their fun loving mummy went to, why doesnt she throw us up in the air any more? or jump out on us and say boo? why doesnt she play games all day on a sunday and make up silly stories? why does she stare at the wall, or hide in a bath of hot water to soak away the pain...?
The court case is coming up in March, I sweat at night, I think I am going mad. I want to run away. I think no one believes me and that everyone is on his side. The police freak me out, I think they are vouyerstic and enjoy questioning people (however an once of something in me tells me they are not and they are there to help - which they have)
I have flashbacks of what happened at the most innapropriate of times, of conversations I had and the statement I gave and what happened on the video when I gave the statement, I threw up, I froze and I cried and I got so confused I forgot my left from my right just to make it even more embarrasing, to make me cringe even more when I remember what happened.
I feel different on different days, but I can not say I have had a 'good' day since it all happened. I knew him, I trusted him and he has taken my soul beliefs and thrown them directly back into my face. I know he walks around in self denial, he thinkshe is too important to ever be regarded as a person that could do this to someone else. I just wish he felt like I felt instead of me feeling like this. Why should he not feel my pain? - and he probably wont feel my pain because he will most likely be found not guilty - because I let him in my house, because I have his child and because noone else saw what happened and because he is lying though his teeth to stay out of prison and because the jury do not know what it is like to have someone control you like he has me and they dont know what it feels like to lay alone at night in a bed where it happened, to wake up at 4am and feel his breath and have to pinch myself to realise it is not happening all over again.... I just hope the judicial system works for me.....
I have reported him to the police, he was put on remand and now he has been let out on a tag and strict bail conditions are in place. I am jumpy, having sleepless nights, I feel angry, betrayed, dont like people touching me not even my kids, I wake up at 4am every morning. I keep thinking I see him everywhere, I am going out of my mind. One day I act as if nothing has happened and the next day I am in a panick leading eventually to having a panick attack set off by the smallest of things. I feel extremely low in mood and feel like my confidence has been knocked out of me. I cant make decisions for myself, I question everything that I am doing and double check any safety measures that are in place, such as locked doors, alarms etc.....
I wonder, if anyone will ever want to be with me. My self esteem is at an all time low. I cry because I am snappy with my children and take it out on them and they look at me and wonder where their fun loving mummy went to, why doesnt she throw us up in the air any more? or jump out on us and say boo? why doesnt she play games all day on a sunday and make up silly stories? why does she stare at the wall, or hide in a bath of hot water to soak away the pain...?
The court case is coming up in March, I sweat at night, I think I am going mad. I want to run away. I think no one believes me and that everyone is on his side. The police freak me out, I think they are vouyerstic and enjoy questioning people (however an once of something in me tells me they are not and they are there to help - which they have)
I have flashbacks of what happened at the most innapropriate of times, of conversations I had and the statement I gave and what happened on the video when I gave the statement, I threw up, I froze and I cried and I got so confused I forgot my left from my right just to make it even more embarrasing, to make me cringe even more when I remember what happened.
I feel different on different days, but I can not say I have had a 'good' day since it all happened. I knew him, I trusted him and he has taken my soul beliefs and thrown them directly back into my face. I know he walks around in self denial, he thinkshe is too important to ever be regarded as a person that could do this to someone else. I just wish he felt like I felt instead of me feeling like this. Why should he not feel my pain? - and he probably wont feel my pain because he will most likely be found not guilty - because I let him in my house, because I have his child and because noone else saw what happened and because he is lying though his teeth to stay out of prison and because the jury do not know what it is like to have someone control you like he has me and they dont know what it feels like to lay alone at night in a bed where it happened, to wake up at 4am and feel his breath and have to pinch myself to realise it is not happening all over again.... I just hope the judicial system works for me.....
Comment