please help!

[tryingtomoveon]

i don't know if this was rape or not.. someone please help! i was having sex for the first time, and i was going along with it because i was ok with it. he got up to get another condom and he came back and i said i was done and tired, and he said one more time... so he went right back in. i dried up and he forced his finger up to try and get me wet. i tried rolling away and getting in a ball but he procedded to unroll me and continue having sex with me. he would kiss me everytime i said ow or moaned. im not sure what to think about it. he pulled my hair and held my hands down because i tried to move them in a different postion so i was at least a little bit comfortable.
please help me and tell me!

[Saffron]

Hello and welcome

This is a difficult one. Only you can say whether you were raped or not. The definition of rape is to force someone to have sex against their will. If you know that you made it very clear that you did not want to have sex with him, and he proceeded anyway, then it is rape. No means No. But not saying Yes is not the same thing as saying No. If you asked him to stop and he ignored you, then he was going against your wishes. He may have interpreted your moans as pleasure? and as it was your first time he may have assumed that you saying "ow" was normal.

However, if you asked him to stop, and he held you down, then he did rape you. Have a look at www.rapecrisis.org - they are a specialist help centre. Good luck.

Saffron

[Saffron]

Sorry, I have just re-read your post. He held you down when you tried to move? that doesn't sound like affection to me, it sounds like force. Especially as it was your first time.
Hope you are OK, and that you have contacted RapeCrisis.

[friday]

sorry saffron, not trying to get at you but i guess what you said kind of hit a little too close to home. saying ow and moaning in pain is different to moaning from pleasure. it says in the law that both parties must make reasonable attempts to ensure consent and if someone is saying ow then it is reasonable for the other person to ask if they are ok. he did not. im sorry if you feel im attacking you, im not, im just emotional because when i went to court his defence was that he thought my screaming and crying was pleasure (neglected to hear me telling him to get off or that he was hurting me, of course).
i hate this countries "legal system". there is nothing lawful about it.

tryingtomoveon: as saffron said, only you know whether it was rape. if you said yes then it is unreasonable for you to expect him to know you were not consenting, however if your moaning was evidently not in pleasure and you were struggling then he should have at least asked if you were ok and since he did not it is rape. unless you had talked about enjoying rough sex before hand (which i doubt if it was your first time) there is no reason for him to behave in that way and hold you down etc. it may take you a long time to accept what happened to you as rape (i know it did with me, i tried to blame myself for putting myself in a dangerous situation). this is normal but remember you are not to blame for other peoples actions. i dont know when this happened but if you choose to go to the police (and you can do this anytime, not just directly after the incident) then you will need as much evidence as possible. if you havent washed the clothes yet then dont, keep them somewhere until you want to go to the police, if you have any bruises then ask someone you trust to take photos of them (although it would be better for the police to take them a friend is better than noone but a doctor or other medical person who is not emotionally connected to you is better).
i dont know where you are from but my experience of the police was excellent. they really accomodated my needs and were sensitive to my fears and difficulties. you may get a police officer who is not trained (as i did when i first reported it) and you have the right to ask for a specific gender if it would help although if its a small police station there may not be a male/female on duty so you can either come back or speak to the gender you would least prefer (i had to speak to a man which made it really difficult cos he wasnt trained to deal with rape). the specialist teams are really supportive and can point you in the right direction for help from both rape charities and victim support and will be happy to help with other issues such as fear of violence from him/his family.

[Saffron]

Thank you Friday, for giving far more practical advice than I could!
I had no intention of upsetting anyone, so my apologies if what I wrote struck a raw nerve. I didn't think you were attacking me at all; you were very measured and fair in what you said.
I completely agree with you about the legal system - riddled with injustice for both survivors of rape and those falsely accused.
It is also good to hear that you were treated with respect by the police.