I´ve told my husband... now what

[polly]

I've told my husband... now what
After 3 months of being married, my husbands friend raped me. We had all been taking drugs and drinking together. My husband went home and left me in the care of his friend. I think his friend may have given me some kind of preditor drug, but i was freely taking escasy and drinking. I remember only ´waking up´ and realising he was not my husband. I have kept this secret for 3 years thinking I should pay the price not my husband. But now I have finally found the courage to tell him, while on a 6 month trip travelling central america. he forgave me instantly and without question for lying to hime all these years. But he is now filled with rage towards his so called friend. How can I help him through this. I have no advice for him and feel helpless. He wants to fly home and beat him up and cannot think of anything else.
I would appreciate any advice. Stories of how other husbands or partners have coped with such news. anything. i feel guilty and lost, and i think my husband feels the same. I want to help him and know not what to do. I am in Nicaragua and we have no access to councelling or any trusted friends to talk to. I am reaching out on this site in desparate need of a friend and some advice.

Thanks in advance,

Polly.

[Saffron]

Hi Polly and welcome

First of all, I think you have been very courageous to tell your husband what happened. Of course he has "forgiven" you, because there is nothing for him to forgive. It's not as though you were unfaithful, or a willing participant. I am guessing that you didn't tell him at the time because you felt guilty and ashamed, which is absolutely normal.

It is natural for you to both feel lost and guilty - you feel guilty because you have kept this a secret from him, and he feels guilty because he went home and left you in a vulnerable state with someone who took advantage of you. And it is perfectly natural for him to want to beat up this man - someone who has pretended to be a friend of his. Are you, as a couple, still in touch with this man? If so, your husband is probably feeling guilty about that too. But beating this man up is not going to accomplish anything - it will probably just land your husband in trouble, and possibly in jail.

It sounds as though your relationship is strong. This is not a question of you having to help him through this, but for you both to support each other. There are 3 courses open to you - you can simply cut all ties with your attacker and never speak to him again; you can talk to him as a couple and say that you know what he did and state that you do not want him in your lives any more, or you can go to the police. If you choose the latter, you are almost certain to be treated gently and respectfully.

I'm afraid I am not an expert on your situation, but what I can tell you is that riding a storm together will make you stronger in the long run. Relationships are not static things - they shift and change all the time, and working together to overcome this trauma will only make you stronger. Be there for each other, listen, talk and make a decision as a couple about what you want to do. Both of you should have a look at www.rapecrisis.org and www.victimsupport.org - both sites will be able to offer you support and guidance from a distance.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help. Stay strong.

[polly]

Thank you

Dearest Saffron,

Thank you so much for your kind words, they were indeed a help, and a comfort. Yes, this man was still in our lives, and i do feel guilty for allowing that. We have easily decided to cut him out of our lives, as my husband says, he is dead to us now. You are right, it has made us stronger, and now I find it hard to understand why i kept it secret for so long. To think this mans friendship with my husband could be more important to him than me seems ridiculous now. Thankfully my husband has decided not to fly home and beat him up, partly because we cannot afford it, but also because he doesn,t want to leave me here with friends we,ve only known briefly, in Nicaragua.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it means so much, I can hardly express it.

As my mum says, you,ll get your reward in heaven.

Warmest regards, Polly x

[Saffron]

Hi Polly

Hopefully you and your husband can now relax a bit and enjoy the remainder of your trip. It sounds fantastic, I am green with envy! I am so glad that you are working through this life crisis, and that it is making you stronger. You never know what you can weather until you are actually put in the position of having to deal with something like this. You and your husband are rising to the challenge, which is great. Stay strong.

best,

Saffron x

PS, sorry it has taken me so long to reply - been on holiday myself, although nowhere as exciting as Nicaragua!