Forced to report?

[Jess]

I've recently started going to therapy and been diagnosed with PTSD. I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years, I haven't been able to tell my therapist much but after quite a few sessions I've eventually told him that there was sexual abuse (I think what happened counts as r, I'm still so unsure cos I didn't always fight and sometimes I just cried which made him angry so eventually I learnt not to do anything.) and I was threatened with a weapon.
Since the end of our relationship my x went and had counseling and stopped drinking and over the last 5 years has started to see our child. He apologised to me but I've just asked him not to ever talk about it. It's really hard for me but he was never a bad dad and I just brought out the worst in him.
During my last session my therapist said that he has a duty of care and encouraged me to report my x, even if I did it anonymously so it was just in his record if anyone in the future were to report him . I refused so he said that he is able to do it on my behalf.... Without my permission. I'm so scared, I never want our child to find out what happened and I seriously can't face the idea of filling out a report, I cope by pretending it didn't happen. What will me reporting it anonymously mean? If he never does anything like this again will he just never find out? Plus he's now emigrated (visits a few times a year). Does any one have any experience of this?

[Franticwithworry]

Hi Jess.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I fully understand you not wanting to use the 'r' word, but from what you describe it was exactly that. People may think that if you don't scream or should or struggle or object loudly in some way that it wasn't really but it was. What you are describing is 'coersive control' which is your partner using fear and intimidation rather than actual violence or force, and it doesn't lessen his offence.

As for your therapist forcing you to report something that is historical, he does have a duty of care, but as far as I understand it, that duty is in respect to your immediate welfare, not to what happened in the past. I don't know what would happen if you or he reported this anonymously, but he needs to understand that if you have a relationship with your child's father now that you can cope with, he is at risk of undoing that and of putting you in more danger if the matter is reported and your ex finds out that you had anything to do with it.

Have you or are you able to have that conversation with him? A duty of care isn't care if it puts you in more danger than you were before. Perhaps if he understands the consequences of reporting this for you he will stop putting you under that pressure.

Also, as a therapist or counsellor he should be having supervision, which is a regular session with another therapist or counsellor to discuss any points of difficulty he may be having with any of his clients. You could suggest that he gets a second opinion from them before he makes any decision as to what he is going to do, because putting you under this kind of pressure is clearly not helping you, and he's supposed to work in your best interests. If you were in immediate danger from yourself or someone else, that would be one thing, but from what you say, you are not.

How did you find this therapist? Is he someone you found privately or does he work for an organisation of some sort?

[Jess]

Thank you so much for your reply. I was referred for counseling by my gp so not private. It's taken me over 6 years to accept maybe I need some help, I've tried hard just to forget about it and move on but I experience daily flashbacks and intrusions. I always have nightmares and the list of things I avoid is getting quite big now.

The counsellor did say that because I am safe now maybe there is less of a case to do so. I think I'm just scared because the reason I stayed quiet during and after our relationship even though I knew some of the things would haunt me for life was to protect my daughter, I don't want her to know. She is the reason I had the courage to leave after she witnessed him strangling me and punching me. I can't have that all undone now, years later. It feels as though it would be undermining all the suffering I've been through.
I didn't know about him needing a second opinion, i will definitely ask him about that if I'm feeling pressured again.

This probably makes me sound like a really bad person but his main reason for me reporting my x was to help protect others in the future. It's not that I don't care, I want to it's just I can't take on any more responsibility for what happened. I still feel like it was my fault, I made him cross, I made mistakes, I wasn't clear enough, I didn't fight hard enough, I should have left if it was that bad, etc. If he does that to some one else that should be 100% on him, that's not my responsibility again. I don't know if I've explained that very well.

Honestly I feel quite betrayed by my counselor for even suggesting it. Let alone threatening to do it without my consent. I've struggled to say much in any session and next week he wants me to break down a memory with him to reprocess it. When I started this I was told it wasn't about going through the past, it was about the feelings I had presently. I'm seriously thinking about stopping. My husband would be so disappointed though and he has been so supportive and proud of me for finally getting some help. He thinks that I should report it.

[Franticwithworry]

Erm - no. You don't have a responsibility for your ex's future actions. I can understand your therapist and husband wanting you to report it, but if and when you ever do is entirely up to you and how you would feel about it and cope with it. That you don't want to doesn't make you a bad person at all, it makes you one who knows herself and what she and her daughter need.

Perhaps part of your therapy could be to learn to push back a little at your therapist? :-) It's interesting to me that you were abused by a man who made you do what you did not want to do and now your therapist is male and you are feeling that he is pushing you to do something that you don't want to do. I'm not suggesting for a moment that he - or your husband, who wants the same thing, you to report your ex - are being abusive, just that it might be a big part of the therapy process for you to learn to say 'no' effectively.

Please don't give up at this point. It sounds as though you are doing really well and making progress. Please consider reminding your therapist of the terms of therapy he outlined at the beginning - that you would be dealing with current feelings, not the past. There may come a time that you want to make a report but you're clearly not ready now and the fact that your ex is abroad will be a huge issue for the police here. I get the impression that it would be as difficult for you to make the report as it would be for you to do so and be told that nothing would be done because he is out of the country.

If things don't improve with your therapist and he is still making you feel pressured, also consider asking to be referred to someone else. Not every therapist is the right one for every person, but if he's a good one, when you tell him how pressured you are feeling and that you want him to focus on the present, he will do just that.

It's YOUR therapy and you have the right to make it do for you what you want it to, and if you want to focus on the present, then you should do that. Honestly, if you're not ready for the 'homework' tell him right at the beginning of the session. It shouldn't be him doing all of the talking. :-) I'm not pretending any of this is easy, as good therapy is hard work, and sometimes getting the right therapy is the hardest bit. Keep going though. The lesson here, as I say, might be in no small measure, learning to tell a man 'no' and getting him to do as he promised. :-) :-)

[Rights Fighter]

Perhaps part of your therapy could be to learn to push back a little at your therapist? :-) It's interesting to me that you were abused by a man who made you do what you did not want to do and now your therapist is male and you are feeling that he is pushing you to do something that you don't want to do. I'm not suggesting for a moment that he - or your husband, who wants the same thing, you to report your ex - are being abusive, just that it might be a big part of the therapy process for you to learn to say 'no' effectively.

Excellent advice as ever FWW.

Counselling is:

The process that occurs when a client and counsellor set aside time in order to explore difficulties which may include the stressful or emotional feelings of the client.

The act of helping the client to see things more clearly, possibly from a different view-point. This can enable the client to focus on feelings, experiences or behaviour, with a goal to facilitating positive change.

A relationship of trust. Confidentiality is paramount to successful counselling. Professional counsellors will usually explain their policy on confidentiality, they may, however, be required by law to disclose information if they believe that there is a risk to life.



Counselling is Not:

Giving advice.

Judgemental.

Attempting to sort out the problems of the client.

Expecting or encouraging a client to behave in a way in which the counsellor may have behaved when confronted with a similar problem in their own life.

Getting emotionally involved with the client.


Looking at a client's problems from your own perspective, based on your own value system.


Read more at: https://www.skillsyouneed.com/learn/counselling.html

[Jess]

Thank you both so much for your advice. I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier I have thought about your words a lot.
I haven't reported my X, perhaps in a cowardly way I got what I wanted in that my therapist hasn't mentioned it again so I've not brought it up. I've decided for now I'm not ready to report him. I feel like I made the choice to forgive him and at the moment I'm at peace with that choice. Years ago he attended counselling and had got help for his drinking and anger. I know he got help about what he did to me, I wonder if his confessions go on his records?
Ironic it took me another 5 years to get support myself.

I've carried on with the counselling, I've been a lot more assertive in what help I need/want. I did go ahead with the exposure therapy of reliving my memories after looking at results from studies and honestly it's awful. So many memories which I had forgotten are coming back to me. I understand that this is helpful to allow me to process things just very scary saying things that happened out loud.

[Franticwithworry]

Thank you for the update - I've been thinking of you too.

I'm very glad to hear that you've taken charge with your counselling. What is or isn't on your ex's counselling 'record' I couldn't say, but it's good that he got help for his behaviour towards you and makes it less likely that he'll repeat it with someone else. All the more reason too, for you to feel comfortable with your decision and not to take things further at this stage or at all. That really is your decision.

Counselling is difficult when dealing with a painful past, but well done to you for being much more assertive. You don't need to go places you don't want to or feel ready to go, but only you can know and keep those boundaries.

Very best wishes for the future, and don't hesitate to come back here if you need more outside support.