Confused whether husband raped me

[Amelia]

Hi, sounds so stupid that I should be confused. I shall give a brief run down on what happened. I'm hoping for help in the form of clarity. For my husbands birthday I organised a surprise party and booked us a night in a hotel. He got extremely drunk and when we got back we fell asleep on the bed fully clothed. I woke up in a great deal of pain, it was really dark and someone was forcing their fingers inside me . At first I thought someone had entered the room and I froze with fear. Then I heard him whispering things like 'your a very naughty girl.' & knew it was my husband. I was shocked by what he was doing as I have a medical condition which makes sex painful, I can't use tampons. And the thing that hurts the most is fingers being shoved up there and he knows this. I should have screamed &!i still don't know why I didn't. Instead I dug my finger nails into my palms and kept my eyes shut thinking he'd get off in a minute. But he didn't. He started having sex with me. Then he told me I was a bad girl and went into the bathroom. He didn't bother covering me up. I lay there cold and naked legs still spread eagled whilst I listens to him finishing himself off in the bathroom. He came back and went straight to sleep. The next morning he acted like nothing had happened. I apologised to him that we didn't have sex and he said I could owe him. Anyway the next few days I slept in my children's rooms, I told him they were having nightmares. But eventually I messaged him and told him I knew what he'd done that night. He was very apologetic. But after apologising he didn't really get why I was still upset. Almost a year later I managed to tell my mum. And she told me it wasn't a terrible thing because we're married. My dad said if that's rape then I've raped your mum a hundred times!
This all occurred a couple of years ago. But I still hate sex. Even kissing him makes me feel sick.
I left him for six months last yr, but after him begging me to return and feeling guilty about taking the kids away and the total lack of support from family I thought I should give it another go. He's not a violent man. I think he made one mistake. But I just can't seem to get over it. Everyone in my family tells me it wasn't rape. But then why did I feel so violated? & still don't want his hands on me?
Sorry it's so long winded- I only meant to write a few sentences!

[YearsOfHell]

Welcome.
Sorry you're struggling with this.
This is not something that you can ignore because it is obviously affecting your life.
Your confusion is complete understandable! I am not a legal expert but I do know that this is not your fault. I do not know where you stand legally!
Your husband hurt you. And hurting people without their consent is against the law.
But this is your life and you need to decide what comes next.
What he did was wrong, and it isn't your fault. It's his fault. Not screaming does not mean it's your fault!! He is responsible, with the alcohol that he drank being a factor in his behaviour. He drank it, no one made him. He is responsible.
He needs to understand how you're feeling because it's affecting your relationship. He should face the consequences of what he has done, and how serious it is, so that you can get on with life without the shadow of this over you.
It sounds like the only one facing the consequences at the moment is you.
Can you get through this without prosecution? That's your decision.
We can't tell you what to do.
Please get some professional help.
Start with your GP and start the wheels in motion. Talk it through with a professional and then do what is best for you.
Check out this link for further advice: http://rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php
There's a section called "myths vs realities" which may help with clarity.
Best of luck
YoH

[wakingnightmare]

Hi

I don't actually think whether it was or wasn't rape is the issue.

He has done something which has hurt you both physically and emotionally and he has damaged your relationship. For whatever reason he hasn't realised the impact this has had on you and that lack of recognition in itself has now become a problem for you.

You're not sure if your relationship can move beyond this. You don't actually say whether you want it to.

You need to talk to someone and work out what you want, what your family think isn't important this is about what is best for you.

Without trying to dismiss what happened don't become fixated on whether it was or wasn't rape rather concentrate on whether this is a healthy fulfilling relationship that you want to be in.

And if you decide that you do want to be with him then have some counselling together to talk about how this has left you feeling, otherwise you are never going to move beyond it.

Sending you lots of hugs and best wishes.

[Franticwithworry]

I agree with walkingnightmare here - whether or not he raped you isnt really the issue, though from a legal point of view, until 2002 a man couldnt be deemed to have raped his wife. Conjugal rights and all that. Your parents probably have that mindsaid.

The fact is he hust you and doesnt seem to understand why or how. His attitude towards sex is detrimental to you too - 'owing' him - ugh!! I'm not surprised that you don't want his hands on you and think that you would benefit from some counselling. Could that be arranged through your gp?

Your feelings are perfectly valid and perhaps when you've had a chance of counselling for yourself, some couples counselling would help you both and for him to understand that hurting you, physically or emotionally, is not acceptable.