so alone.

[pteri]

I was raped at a party earlier this year... 8 months ago.
Ive been seeing a councellor but Im still so messed up about it...

I just feel so angry all the time. no-one understands, my friends dont understand so I push them away...

and now Im up at 3 AM crying my heart out.

its not fair... I was drugged, I couldnt do anything to defend myself. and now he still has power over me so long after it...

how do I move on? how do I get better? help me

[MGR]

I'm really sorry about how you feel and I don't know why no-one has replied to you yet nor offered you support.

It's very, very common to push friends away, especially if you have depression which you might do. It's also really common not to be able to sleep.

Now this might seem scary but I suggest you see your doctor because it might be a good idea for you to take anti-depressants. I know some people are really against them but they're not happy pills, all they do is restore some sense of normality so you're a bit more able to cope with daily life and particularly with the counselling.

This might also seem scary but in 8 months things will not be back to normal. It is frightening but this is a very, very long road. Accept that you need time and take the pressure off yourself. It doesn't mean that while you're recovering you can't live your life.

You didn't say in your post whether you reported it to the police. I can't advise on whether it's a good thing or not; certainly conviction rates are frighteningly low so it's up to you whether you want to go through the pain of reporting and I won't lie to you, it is hard to report this kind of thing to the police. The first time I was raped was by a stranger. I didn't report the second time which was by my then boyfriend due to fear of not being believed. Unfortunately there is still an attitude about being raped by someone you know although the police are improving that.

There are hints in what you say that you blame yourself in some way, I don't know if I'm right to say that? Please try not to. Almost every rape victim says this at some point but the fact is no-one ever has the right to rape you and the man took that decision, not you.

I hope you're ok. Through no fault of the site moderators here, this forum tends to be more biased to supporting people falsely accused of rape. If you want to join a forum, have a look round the web and look at some of the posts there. I don't visit here very often because I find it too upsetting so I can't guarantee I'll reply quickly if you post here.

I hope you're ok. Look after yourself because there's only one of you.

M x

[Unregistered]

I'm so sorry

I don't know how you feel but I know how I felt when it happened to me. I was very young so I told no one out of fear of what my parents would think and what would happen to me. Not long after the person who did it moved and I never got the chance to do anything about it. Now I wish I had said something. It's been a long time now and the only person who I've ever told is my husband but I wish that wasn't the case. I feel like I should have been braver, stronger, smarter and so many other things. I know I should have went to the hospital and the police and had him put away for a long time but I know that it's not my fault that I didn't and it's not yours either. That much pain and responsibility is so much to put on one person, no one should have to bear it. Especially not alone. It's good that you're seeing a therapist because talking about it is probably the best thing you can do. Ignoring what happened only makes it more painful, like no one cares about this experience that changes everything. But they do care, and they love you. Even if they'll never fully understand they want to and they want to help you. After if happened I felt like I could never trust anyone ever again but eventually I did and I found someone who loves me and has helped me through all the pain. I know you'll find someone who will help you through this and make you have faith in humanity again. It feels awful at first but being open enough to let someone in was how I got through it all. Be open with the people who love and care about you and be strong.
It'll never be okay, but you will be.

[isi]

I understand

Hi, I understand exactly how you feel. I am just starting to realise just how long it can take to get over something like this. I still cant even name it yet - even though I have reported it to the police. I also see someone to offload to and as she says - 'take each day as it comes'. Unfortunately these things are still happening to people and it is about accepting what happened and understanding that whatever you think you did leadiing up to that event - it was not your fault, never was your fault and it should definately not have happened in a perfect world. Just keep trying to remember you are not alone and maybe show your friends a help page which you can find on the internet and help them to help you....