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hello there
hi everyone, this is my first post so it's long but i'd be very grateful if you would give me your thoughts on my life. I feel like my mind is stuck in an eternal tumble dryer.I had loving parents, though my mother was a weak female role model who was jealous of my relationship with my father. He was a handsome,flirt with an inappropriate soh, who used to say "little girls should be seen & not heard". I have 2 brothers; 14 & 10 yrs older, the latter bullied me physically & emotionally at home.
Looking back like this, i now realise that sex was important to me from the age of 15 when i met a guy 5 yrs older than me. My parents paid for me to have a white wedding to him at age 17, after refusing to let me live with him. This was in spite of the fact they knew he had perforated my eardrum beforehand. He also had sex with my best mate (while i was there-please don't ask why i accepted it i don't know).
After marrying, he had sex with other girls i met, while pushing me onto older horrid men that one of them brought back (one had a black eye patch & it makes my stomach turn to think about it-what the hell was i doing?) or i slept in the spare bed. I had headaches, was depressed, got the sack from work & took an overdose. We moved house but eventually he took me home on my mum's birthday, telling me he didn't love me & i bored him to tears-boy did i feel good about myself.
I went further downhill, was raped and given an "STD", another attempted rape by my boss & sacked for refusing him, after 1.5 yrs there. The **** just kept on coming when new boyfriends were unfaithful & a nice one i met was killed in a car crash.
Then I got a good job, a nice flat and had sex with any male with a heartbeat. I had affairs with married men & an affair with a premier division footballer but was always left feeling alone & wanting someone i couldn't have.
Then i met "T"; so proper and utterly reliable & trustworthy, with a potentially great career ahead of him. My parents spoke up at last & said 'do not let him go'. There was just 1 small problem, he had premature ejaculation very bad! No problem i thought, i could change that with my experience...... WRONG! I almost forgot what an orgasm was-all hail for Ann Summers
He made no effort to please me afterwards-ever, just said sorry then snored. He could come before we even started. He NEVER spoke about it & would not own the problem. We had 2 kids, the prob went on. I sought 3 lots of help for us; Masters & Johnson, Catholic marriage counselling (he had been brought up a strict Catholic) with limited success.
Inievitably, the first younger guy who came onto me one day i had sex with. I was nothing if not honest, so i told T & we carried on. But after 15 yrs i had to force myself to have sex with him; i couldn't get on top like i love to or wriggle or anything (or he would come), so i just lay there playing 'dead fishes'. Afterwards my insides felt like a volcano about to erupt, i can't explain the anger i felt :¬( He's too serious (even the kids agree), won't take any risks, does not know spontaneity, has no hobbies or friends and has been ambitious to the detriment of me & his kids. If he suspects i'm getting pissed off he arranges a holiday, it's so funny.
He got relocated in the uk & we split up, partly because my daughter needed to finish her exams but i said i needed a break. I was secretly glad as i was being unfaithful again & felt soooo guilty (i didn't tell him but i think he knew & just didn't ask). We got back together after 6 months, then split again & i lived alone for 2 tough yrs with my son, who started taking drugs. I did have fun with a guy & we had the greatest sex, he was the total opposite but still trouble. In hindsight i didn't take the split seriously & join clubs or socialise enough. T was still in charge of my finances and always asking questions.
We got together again and here i still am, (26 yrs in total), though we now have no sex. I can't even make myself anymore. He's a good, honest man, who does his best but a weak father figure and would not jump in front of me to protect me.
We have money & homes all over, and we live in Europe now as he was relocated again. I keep trying to imagine what it would be like to just have sex when i want, to have somebody be raunchy with me as i crave to be, someone who squeezes my boob when the kids aren't looking. I don't know how much more i can take. I'm still very attractive, (sorry to sound conceited, i just want to be honest), amusing & trendy but i'm so scared of making the total break i would need to, if i seriously wanted to try again. I'm 50 and scared that i'm not really as attractive as i think & won't meet anyone & will be all alone. I feel guilty leaving him & that i "should" stay with him, it's not his fault if he has a problem....is it?
I have pushed myself since being over here & have loads of friends. I play a leading role at a women's club. & have discovered a drawing talent, have learnt Bridge & joined the an English drama group.
Pleeeeeeeze help me decide
in your position , they have made new starts, go for your life, if he wont change then you change
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