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The word rape is too short a word for the action it describes,
It should sound darker,
More messing up the mind,
Changing space,
Altering everything you once thought to be reality.
Deadening of the soul and killing free spirit,
Your body smashing into a million pieces only to be badly glued back together afterwards,
Turns your heart to cold hard stone
And reverses evolution from a women to a small child
You never forget....oh you think you do and then out of nowhere a small coincidence, a smell, a look from a stranger, even one word can take you right back to fighting for your life, the gut wrenching fear pumps though your veins and paralyses your every cell.
The remembering what details you blocked out, the flash backs, the knife, the razor blade, the blood.
I don't ask why....just how......how did he do it.....how do you paralyse someone for an hour or more.....what drug is that....
that can freeze every muscle....and how many were there.....three animals in my dreams not one......watching, enjoying the blood.
I feel sick writing and thinking......I wasn't drunk, my mind was on high alert....I was immersed in every second.
Waiting and wishing to die
He lied, I know he did, I didn't scream, couldn't, he lied.
He was there he knew.
One hand on my mouth, one on my neck, one holding the knife to my head,
Too many hands for one person.
One feeling my breasts, one cutting me open inside with the razor blade.
The truth is too much for others, the reality is too much for me.
What language was it.......
One sentence remembered 'leave or they will kill you'.....so I ran,
they had a short cut, revenge attack, they waited for the right moment I slipped up.
The night I poured 50 grams of smack down the toilet came back to haunt me.
Another one of his **** ups I had to pay for???
I'll probably never know why or if it was his fault,
All I know is he wasn't at all surprised when he heard.
Two days before it happened I had a dream that was so vivid I already knew what was coming, but not when.
I dreamt of waking Michael up and being covered in blood,
I dreamt of the look on his face. Fear
Pure and simple fear mixed with confusion, he looked like a small child who didn't have the vaguest idea of what to do.
I don't remember everything and that scares the **** out of me. I can piece things together,
I know they smacked me with a rock to the back of my head, I know they dragged me down a small cliff as I had cuts down my back, I know they ripped my necklace off by the marks on my neck, I know they carefully untied my shoes and placed them neatly to one side, then ripped my trousers in half which also marked my skin.
The pain was so unbearable the next day I could hardly breath, the doctor told me I was bleeding inside....no ****!
All I could think the whole time was I need him here now. I have never needed something soo badly, I wanted him to come back and wrap his arms around me and tell me I'd be Ok.
And then he came and I felt like I could breathe again.
But it got worse and worse, he couldn't be with me the whole time and when he left I panicked, I lost my mind, I started seeing shadows and hearing voices, I would wake in the middle of the night, paralysed with fear....the dogs would start barking and try to jump on the bed. One night it got so bad I had to ring him and ask him to come....he did but I think if he didn't I would of taken every pill in the house and finished off what they wanted to do.
Now I realise the only thing that kept me alive was his love and patience, his understanding and willingness to stick by me no matter how dark it got...and it got dark! I will forever be grateful for that. What he did was so amazing to me I couldn't put it into words, he saved me and I don't think he even realises how close I was to the edge, and how much God helped me not to go insane.
So now I'm back,
I can write about it,
without shaking,
without tears,
just happy to be alive and knowing that no matter how bad it gets,
it doesn't last forever,
the fear lifts,
the dreams stop,
and you can be free again.
No regrets.
It should sound darker,
More messing up the mind,
Changing space,
Altering everything you once thought to be reality.
Deadening of the soul and killing free spirit,
Your body smashing into a million pieces only to be badly glued back together afterwards,
Turns your heart to cold hard stone
And reverses evolution from a women to a small child
You never forget....oh you think you do and then out of nowhere a small coincidence, a smell, a look from a stranger, even one word can take you right back to fighting for your life, the gut wrenching fear pumps though your veins and paralyses your every cell.
The remembering what details you blocked out, the flash backs, the knife, the razor blade, the blood.
I don't ask why....just how......how did he do it.....how do you paralyse someone for an hour or more.....what drug is that....
that can freeze every muscle....and how many were there.....three animals in my dreams not one......watching, enjoying the blood.
I feel sick writing and thinking......I wasn't drunk, my mind was on high alert....I was immersed in every second.
Waiting and wishing to die
He lied, I know he did, I didn't scream, couldn't, he lied.
He was there he knew.
One hand on my mouth, one on my neck, one holding the knife to my head,
Too many hands for one person.
One feeling my breasts, one cutting me open inside with the razor blade.
The truth is too much for others, the reality is too much for me.
What language was it.......
One sentence remembered 'leave or they will kill you'.....so I ran,
they had a short cut, revenge attack, they waited for the right moment I slipped up.
The night I poured 50 grams of smack down the toilet came back to haunt me.
Another one of his **** ups I had to pay for???
I'll probably never know why or if it was his fault,
All I know is he wasn't at all surprised when he heard.
Two days before it happened I had a dream that was so vivid I already knew what was coming, but not when.
I dreamt of waking Michael up and being covered in blood,
I dreamt of the look on his face. Fear
Pure and simple fear mixed with confusion, he looked like a small child who didn't have the vaguest idea of what to do.
I don't remember everything and that scares the **** out of me. I can piece things together,
I know they smacked me with a rock to the back of my head, I know they dragged me down a small cliff as I had cuts down my back, I know they ripped my necklace off by the marks on my neck, I know they carefully untied my shoes and placed them neatly to one side, then ripped my trousers in half which also marked my skin.
The pain was so unbearable the next day I could hardly breath, the doctor told me I was bleeding inside....no ****!
All I could think the whole time was I need him here now. I have never needed something soo badly, I wanted him to come back and wrap his arms around me and tell me I'd be Ok.
And then he came and I felt like I could breathe again.
But it got worse and worse, he couldn't be with me the whole time and when he left I panicked, I lost my mind, I started seeing shadows and hearing voices, I would wake in the middle of the night, paralysed with fear....the dogs would start barking and try to jump on the bed. One night it got so bad I had to ring him and ask him to come....he did but I think if he didn't I would of taken every pill in the house and finished off what they wanted to do.
Now I realise the only thing that kept me alive was his love and patience, his understanding and willingness to stick by me no matter how dark it got...and it got dark! I will forever be grateful for that. What he did was so amazing to me I couldn't put it into words, he saved me and I don't think he even realises how close I was to the edge, and how much God helped me not to go insane.
So now I'm back,
I can write about it,
without shaking,
without tears,
just happy to be alive and knowing that no matter how bad it gets,
it doesn't last forever,
the fear lifts,
the dreams stop,
and you can be free again.
No regrets.
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