Looking for advice please

[Devastatedandheartbroken]

Last night after i went to sleep my boyfriend of 4 years and my daughter (15) continued to watch tv together as they usually do. I was woken up by my daughter who informed me that my boyfriend tried to touch her inappropriately. This has never happened before. He had started to fall asleep and had not realized where he was and who he was with.

He of course is no longer at home and he 100% admitted to it and doesnt deny any of it. He feels disgusted with himself and is an absolute mess right now at his brothers house.

My daughter went and stayed at a friends house.

Now i absolutely am behind my daughter as she is my number one and also i know that this was not an intentional act and that he would and has never done anything to harm her ever before and looks at her as his daughter.

He is a very active sleeper and has initiated sex with me many times when asleep. This is how i know that it was not an intentional act. It has only ever been this one time with her.

He has said he cant be here as he needs to get some help and talk to someone and is heartbroken that this happened and i agree he needs to speak to someone and get help.

I just do not know how to support both of my most treasured people through this. I want to know if this is something that we can all work through and become a family again.

I am patiently waiting for my daughter to wake up so i can talk to her about everything and see what she wants to do.

She has said she doesnt want to ruin his life or press charges or anything and i think that is a good thing because he is not the person to ever do something like this.

Any advice is very much appreciated and welcomed but please do not post angry hurtful stuff. I want calm rational advice.

Thank you

[Casehardened]

Hello,

I don't know what advice to offer you but just wanted to welcome you to the forum.

I know that at least one other member is in a similar position to yourself (though as usual I can't remember her username!) though in her case the police became involved so making it a much more official and complicated situation.

If you get a moment have a look through the 'Falsely Accused of Rape' section of the forum as I'm sure that is where she posted....

[Lilyput]

Nobody here would post anything hurtful or angry lovely. Cannot imagine what your going through.

Sounds like your bejng a good mother and understanding girlfriend. Really hard situation as it wasn't intentional. I guess all you can do is be there for your daughter... the next few days may be difficult for her especially if he was a Dad figure to her. She sounds wise beyond her years telling you straight away and not wanting to ruin a person's life.

Hope you all find away to come through from this mess.

[Franticwithworry]

It's never easy being a mum! Hopefully you've been able to talk to both of them now and get a fuller picture of what happened and how. She was a wise girl to tell you immediately and the whole thing is less complicated if she and your boyfriend agree on what happened she's not wanting to involve the police.

I hope you all find a solution and peace. There are so many aspects to situations like this, that it will time to work through it all.

People on here are kind so please don't be afraid of being here.

[Rights Fighter]

What an awful situation to be in, with all parties feeling dreadful.

As you know that this was not intentional maybe you could support your guy by getting him to see his GP about something called "Sexsomnia" which means having sex in sleep without realising it.

http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders...while-asleep#1

http://motherboard.vice.com/read/com...with-sexsomnia


I feel awful for all of you, your daughter because of what happened and she didn't understand it; you because this is your partner - although you need to know he was not intentionally trying to be unfaithful to you - and him. He must be feelings such huge anguish and feelings of guilt despite this is actually being a known medical condition.

[Devastatedandheartbroken]

Thank you all so much for your kind words, understanding and support. You have no idea how much it means to be able to talk about this. Because of not wanting to have this ruin all our lives it feels as though there is no one to talk to.

I am taking my daughter to a counsellor after the long weekend here is over and I feel that will help her exponentially and both myself and my boyfriend are just wanting to help her through this.

He of course is not at home as he feels it is best to be away for awhile so that he can see a counseller also.

We were definitley aware of the sexsomnia thing as I had been very curious about what was happening and if it was an actual condition.

My daughter is doing quite well and she has stated that she in no way thinks that he is a horrible person or that he was doing anything intentionally because if he had been that type of a person this would have happened long before as we have been a family living together for 4 years and they have been alone together many many times. She also believes that he genuinely thought it was me but that we dont know because we cant know his thoughts.

I know in my heart that this is just a terrible mistake and accident and I want nothing more than to have my family back. I just want to make sure that my daughter is comfortable and safe and secure and no matter what her feelings come before mine and if she never feels comfortable with him here ever again then that is how it will have to be.

This does scare me and hurt me so much though. As he is my best friend and my my partner for life. I cannot see a life without either of them.

I cannot eat and am struggling to keep from crying constantly.

I will obviously need some counselling as well.

Thank you all so much again for your support as I really need it right now. All I ever seem to see online is that the person who committed the act should be in jail forever or killed or what have you and that I would be a horrible person for even talking to him still or wanting to have him in our lives again and I just dont feel that that is the solution here.

I am just so all over the place currently.

I will also try and find the other user who is in a similar situation as me. Maybe they can help me out.

[Broken-hearted]

I don't know if it's me that casehardened was thinking of. Mine situation is different to yours in that my 15year old has made allegations against partner and both police and social services are involved. Don't know how much I can type in here as not the section I would usually post in and I don't know how to put a link in but if you click on my page and then latest started threads that's where my posts are.

It sounds like you are doing the best that you can in the situation that you are in at the moment by supporting both parties yourself and trying to ensure that they have third party support. People on this forum are all extremely supportive.

Can empathise with how you are feeling 100% I am 4 months down the line and just starting to get to the point where not every minute is occupied by thoughts of it all. Try and keep busy and keep communicating with them both. Thoughts are with you.

[Devastatedandheartbroken]

I feel as though you may be the person as i have searched the forums high and low and have been unable to find any situation such as mine.

I am just in such a bad place. I wish there was someone in a situation like mine. One which has all parties involved knowing that it was a huge mistake and accident.

I am so scared that when we bring a counsellor into the mix that it will be taken to another level and that we will then be looking at police and cps and lawyers and jail and god knows what else.

I am so scared that my family will never be back together again.

I am also very confused because I have been with my daughter all day everyday since this happened and she seems to be normal. Nothing has changed as far as her personality or behavior or sleeping and eating habits. I expected a change... crying or anger or depression or something but i have not seen anything.

She is still laughing and chatting with friends as normal.

I just dont understand and feel very confused about it.

I also feel very alone. I am trying to give both of them the space to deal with everything. My boyfriend is the one who i would talk to about things and i feel i cant really talk to him right now because i do not want to push the issue or to make anything worse with regards to him coming to terms with everything in his own time.

I just feel like i am falling apart.

[Broken-hearted]

I can fully empathise with how you mist be feeling. My partner too is my best friend so feel that potentially won't just lose my partner but my best friend in the world too.

Think there are so many variances in these situations that no two situations are ever the same sadly I know I hoped to find that too! I think you all need to be prepared that it could be taken out of your hands by counsellor who could seek advice of children's services and or police due to her being a minor. That is an awful thing but I don't see how they would be able to keep it to themselves. I am a health professional and if I was told something like that I would have to act on it after discussing with parents. One thing in my scenario that is difficult is that because partner denies anything happening Children's services can not identify any triggers and therefore cannot safety plan with him which is pretty **** as has implications of we had children in the future although he is not going to admit to something he has not done. In your situation I can see how things could be safety planned as there is a definite trigger if you know what I mean. Could work around them not be alone together, not to fall asleep on sofa with her for example.

I have the same fears as you about family life. In my scenario she will never be supported to return home by children's services unless she admitted it had not happened so I keep thinking what will happen at Christmas, family events etc I'm living two lives at the minute.

My daughters behaviour has never changed and certainly I never saw anything that a roused and suspicion and this is reported to have happened for four years under my nose.

You are doing so well. Just keep breathing. I can't promise you that everything will be ok but I can promise you that you have people here who will listen and try their best to support you xx

[Franticwithworry]

Be guided by your daughter. If she is behaving normally and happily it may be because she is not traumatized in the way you are expecting her to be. If she really sees what happened as an accident and a mistake she may be able to deal with it calmly and without outside help.

Counsellors dont need to be involved unless your daughter wants and needs them. She is old enough to make that decision for herself and she may not feel that she needs it. It may be that this is more of a deal for you than it is for her and that what she needs is for your boyfriend to explore whether or not he has a medical condition and you to ensure that she doesn't have to be alone with him if she doesn't wish to.


This can remain a private and family matter if you all wish it to. Please don't over-think it. You'll make yourself ill and that will not help your daughter at all.

[Broken-hearted]

Ps didn't say that to try and worry you. Just so that it wouldn't come as a shock to you if you went to counsellor and that was the outcome as confidentiality goes out the window if they are concerned about safeguarding with minors. Also as frantic with worry said if your daughter and you don't feel that it is necessary then there is nothing that says that she must see a counsellor that's a decision for you guys to make.

Speak to yourself with as much kindness as you would to a friend.

[Devastatedandheartbroken]

Should i explain to her the possibilities that may happen if the counsellor does talk to the authorities? Or should i just be leaving it all up to chance with the counsellor? I do not want to sway her in any way i just want informed choices to be made. Do you know what i mean?

[Franticwithworry]

If it were me, I wouldn't leave it up to chance, but I'm not you and I can't tell you what to do. However, in my opinion, she can't make informed choices if she isn't informed. There is/was someone on here who was questioned by police etc etc because a counsellor felt she had a duty of care and went to the police in spite of her client saying she didn't want them involved.

It does happen and it's my guess that it's more likely to happen if an incident involves a minor. The counsellor may well not know anything about sexomnia and all the potential that that brings. So, I would not risk your daughter coming back to you at a later date and saying that she would have not involved a counsellor if she knew there was a risk of said counsellor breaking confidentiality, something they can and should do if they believe there is a risk of harm, especially to a minor. If it were me. But it's not. I know that this is a heart-wrenching situation and definitive answers would be wonderful, but there aren't any. You know your daughter best.

Like I say though, she cannot make informed choices if she isn't informed.

Oh, and yes, I do know exactly what you mean.

[Devastatedandheartbroken]

So scared of the outcome

I have explained possible outcomes and she is going to sleep on it.

I however am freaking out. I feel so out of control.

Not knowing what happens next and having to brace for the worst thing in the world is so difficult.

I dont want to lose everything.

[Devastatedandheartbroken]

I think i have found a way for her discuss her feelings with someone whole still remaining annonymous and not having any authorities get involved just yet.

I am hoping to let her know about it tomorrow and see what she thinks.