How do you explain to a new partner?

[Autumn Fairy]

Hi franticwithworry. Thank you for giving such helpful thoughts and insights. You are completely right about my partner and I will do my best to keep reminding myself of those positive things.

Counselling came to an end very abruptly with no notice. I was just told by email she didn't think she could offer me any more than she already had and I should find myself someone better equipped to deal with my complex issues. I think she was right insomuch as we were pretty stuck and it must have been incredibly frustrating for her. I just think she was wrong in the way she did it as it left me with nothing and in a very bad way as I have been struggling with quite severe suicidal ideation for over a year to the point where she was actually holding my medication for me and I was given one week at a time as both she and my GP thought I couldn't be trusted. So to end our counselling the way she did under those kind of circumstances without even attempting to put any form of safety measures or referrals in place to help me has just about finished me off in the trust stakes. I will never trust another therapist and will struggle to believe anything they say and I'll just be waiting for them to disappear on me. I have of course already warned the new counselling people of this at my assessment. It will be interesting to see how it pans out.

Yes I have used Samaritans and a helpline attached to the counselling service I'm waiting for. To be honest it's hit and miss as to whether you get someone decent or not. The last person I got on the sexual abuse helpline made me feel worse. I don't generally like taking the risk of calling in case I get one like that again as when I'm in a really dark place it could easily push me over the edge and I do have plans and means to carry it out. I have complex PTSD but there seems to be no way the NHS can help me while my husband's case is ongoing as they don't believe I'd be able to handle the intensity of the treatment.

It seems everyone I see or speak to has more reasons not to help me than to help me. The Saville stuff opened a huge can of worms and whilst it is amazing that so many people have now felt empowered to come forward and disclose, it means our resources which were already incredibly stretched are now finding it virtually impossible to cope with the increased workload. If I had £90 a week I could pay for PTSD therapy privately but I don't have it so I can't get the help... At least not for a couple of years or more.

Thank you for the hugs Hun. They mean a lot right now and I'm very grateful for all the time you've been taking with me. xxxx

[Rights Fighter]

Back in the 90's and early 2000's I had a fab counsellor but she left, so I was stuck with her "superior" who had no clue, so I left. I think it is the luck of the draw.

I am astonished that you are in a waiting list for counselling though AF. Years ago it was a matter of weeks or less. Government cuts have put paid to that, I guess.

I tend to walk out of peoples' lives when I cannot take any more rubbish from them, trouble is, despite their behaviour they still believe they have a right to be in mine!

The last person I got on the sexual abuse helpline made me feel worse.

That can be a problem as many people who decide to go into psychology or counselling are in dire need to help themselves!

Hold on in there. Keep posting and you'll keep getting the support.

[Autumn Fairy]

Thank you for being so kind. I'm sorry you had that negative experience of counselling. I think a good therapist is worth their weight in gold but they're extremely hard to find and pretty non existent within the NHS. In my experience you have to go private to get anything worthwhile and sadly the majority of people can't afford it so we're dependent on charities offering limited help and certainly nothing long term. In the wake of the JS and friends scandals, there are so many people coming forward now and disclosing that already stretched resources are struggling even more hence the longer waiting lists. Great that people are coming forward but not great that not enough has been put in place to offer immediate help.

[Rights Fighter]

Sadly that is true. Also sadly true is the fact that some people who were never abused in the first place are now coming forward for financial gain and attention, which makes it a zillion times worse for the genuine victims such as yourself.

For some time now I've said that false accusers make it 100 times worse for the real victims, to be believed. Some time ago I had to go to the police because my ex was harassing me and I was scared. I went with a supportive friend who is a solicitor. As I told the officer what had been going on, he looked at me with huge doubt in his face and I thought "he's thinking, here we go, another one lying her head off". My friend interjected and said that she is a solicitor and would like him to take the matter seriously as she knew my ex and seen the way he treated me. He soon snapped to attention.

You've now mentioned another way that false accusers desperately hurt real victims, and you are 101% correct, they are also draining the counselling resources that are desperately needed.

What an awful situation for you to be in.

[Franticwithworry]

I'm sorry to hear that you have both had such poor experiences with counsellors. For vulnerable people to be dumped so unceremoniously is unconscionable.

I agree that good counsellors - some might say like good social workers - are like gold dust. Where I lived in the late 1990's, the NHS took over providing services that GP's had been able to organise for themselves. Things went downhill rapidly after that in terms of finding NHS services. False accusations have done a lot to stretch the legal system to breaking point, and though well-publicised trials did a good job ov encouraging genuine victims to come forward, the policy of not challenging any accusation however absurd has prompted far too many accusers to jump on the bandwagon, without consequences for revenge or malicious reporting.

The whole system has become a mess leaving genuine victims struggling and distraught. I'm amazed that they would deem 'someone too fragile to cope' but offer nothing else. I know Samaritans can be something of a lucky dip. I called a Rape Crisis centre on one occasion and ended up feeling much worse than when I started too. I guess that's the risk of using an organisation peopled by volunteers who don't have extensive training. Even so, as RightsFighter says, some people go into these professions for entirely the wrong reasons, and sadly don't get weeded out in the selection process or early on in their training courses.

Hang on in there, Autumn Fairy, in spite of everything, it sounds as though, as is often the case, you are doing better than you think, and can be very proud of your achievements so far.

Here's another hug for good measure -