How do you explain to a new partner?

[Autumn Fairy]

I know generally on forums it might take a while of being here and posting for people to get used to me and start replying and I'm normally a really patient person but I really, really hope and pray someone here hears me and can offer me a few words as I'm climbing the walls a bit, losing sleep and having some pretty major flashbacks as I'm turning this all over in my head.

I have a long history of sexual abuse and rape dating back to my childhood but essentially my current situation is the most pressing due to ongoing police involvement. My estranged husband repeatedly raped me over a 10 year period and last year I finally had him arrested. He's been on bail ever since but the police have now sent the case to the cps and they have told me the evidence is strong and they are optimistic they will make a decision to charge him.

The thing is, a couple of months ago I started seeing someone. He knows bits and pieces about it but not what my husband has actually been arrested for. I think so far he believes it is domestic abuse but hasn't thought it might be sexual. I have avoided having the conversation because I'm petrified I will lose him or he will look at me with pity in his eyes. I don't want him to feel sorry for me, see me as damaged goods or as someone else's victim rather than seeing me as a whole person and one who is falling in love with him. I've been able to put it off so far because he has been really patient and respectful and the relationship hasn't become sexual yet. I want to progress things and to have a normal loving relationship with him based on mutual respect and honesty, but in order to do this I have to talk to him and explain things. It's only likely to get more involved as time goes on if my husband is charged and there has to be a trial etc. I'm going to need to know I have his support or that I'm on my own. Does that sound too black and white?

Has anyone here been in a similar position? How do you start that kind of conversation? I'm fairly certain he'll be supportive and lovely, but there's still that minute chance he may hate me for it and believe it was my fault, especially because of my background with CSA. People who don't understand the complexities of childhood abuse don't often get how we do often go on to have multiple abusers throughout adulthood too. I'm scared. I don't want to tell him too much but I can't afford to tell him too little either. My head is so messed up with all the various scenarios I'm imagining right now! I desperately need to hear something from someone who gets it and has been there. Please, please help me. I'm sorry to sound so desperate but I guess that's exactly what I am.

[Rights Fighter]

Do you watch TV together or read the news online together? If so, and you come across a similar story then that might be an "in" for you.

So sorry you have been through all of that and since childhood.

Hold on in there.....

[Autumn Fairy]

Do you watch TV together or read the news online together? If so, and you come across a similar story then that might be an "in" for you.

So sorry you have been through all of that and since childhood.

Hold on in there.....

Thanks Rights Fighter, I'm really grateful for your reply. We haven't really got a space to watch to or anything as he's just finished divorcing his wife but they still live in the same house until it's sold and I have my 2 teens living at home and one in particular is there 24/7 as he's sociophobic so it's kind of a bit awkward to bring things up. I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet very soon though because it's making me ill. I wake up with panic attacks throughout the night and I can't think about anything else. I'm seeing him tonight. I might see if I can find a quiet moment just to say it. He knows my husband is on police bail and he knows it's now gone to the cps for a charging decision. He may even have put 2+2 together by now. It's just the fear of his possible responses I am feeling. It might not be as bad as I anticipate. I think I need to do it tonight. Another wasted opportunity will leave me in a worse state over the weekend as he's away at a family party over the weekend so I won't see him at all til next week now.

What a mess. I feel so sick with nerves.

[Rights Fighter]

Ye gods. You seem to have it all coming from you at all angles. I think maybe play it by ear then rather than try to "plan" anything.....

[Franticwithworry]

You poor soul. What a lot to have on your plate. That said, the sooner you can get this out in the open the better, especially when it's causing you such distress by not saying. As you say, he is lovely, and may have already put 2+2 together.

These things are often worse for the imagining too. Remember, his reaction will be part of what has you falling in love with him all the more - or not - so just getting it out there is important either way.

AND - he may have a wonderful response that has you rushing back here to tell us what a fantastic man he is! Based on what you have said, that seems the most likely thing. I certainly hope so and hope that this evening is the most wonderful in your relationship so far.

[Autumn Fairy]

Thank you so much for your kindness, both of you. Franticwithworry, your words choked me a little... The well wishes in particular: for our evening to be the most wonderful one yet in our relationship... That meant such a lot to read... And it was too! Probably the scariest but the most real, honest and, in many ways, exhilarating conversations we've had to date. I feel sick at the thought of the level of honesty and the things I was able to say to him but also relieved and alive and a lot less alone. He was so amazing! He was honest and told me he didn't know what to say but my biggest fear was that it would scare him off or he'd feel sorry for me and I'd see pity in his eyes or he wouldn't be able to look at me. None of that happened. He was gentle and kind and loving and he made me feel it wasn't my fault which is something I'm really struggling with right now. He was just everything I wanted him to be and a little bit more. I'm so tired now but I'm so glad I told him. I feel it was the right thing for us both and perhaps now I'll be able to sleep a bit tonight.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for your words but most importantly for not overlooking my post. I cannot explain to you how much that meant to me tonight. X

[Franticwithworry]

I am absolutely thrilled for you; I'm grinning from ear to ear. What lovely news to read. Whatever life throws at you, you will always have the memory and magic of that lovely evening to draw on, even though it was terrifying in its way and emotionally draining.

Congratulations on having the courage to raise the topic. It must have been hard. Kudos to your lovely man too, for being the person you hoped he would be when you needed him. He sounds like a treasure who will support when you need it. Don't forget though, that none of us can be all things to all people, so if you need it, there's support here too for you in the virtual world. In the situations we find ourselves here, multiple sources of help are often a good thing.

In the meantime enjoy the falling. It sounds as though he is doing a job of catching you. I wish you much joy - you, him and your boys. Oh, and I hope you slept well too.

[Rights Fighter]

You told him - well done you! That took huge courage and just look at the reward! He believed you!

[Autumn Fairy]

You were both amazing last night and I can't thank you enough. It was a better result than I had even dreamed of and definitely the right thing for me. I did get a better night's sleep which was great but then I've been to a survivor's group and spoken to a solicitor again today which has now set me off doubting myself again. I thought last night might help me gain a bit of confidence and I think it did briefly but now, this afternoon I'm sat with a million and one things going round in my head believing I should drop the case because I just can't handle feeling like this for the length of time it will take to see it through. Especially with the thought of having to explain it to my kids and the rest of the family once he's charged. All the insecurities about telling my boyfriend last night still exist when it comes to telling the family. Currently my mum is the only one who knows roughly what happened and when I told her it was rape, she showed no emotion whatsoever and didn't even give me a hug. I'm fully expecting to have to go through all this without the support of my family and with my kids feeling in the middle and doubting me too. I don't know that I can handle it much longer. I just want to feel ok. I've been warned the cps will take a few months to make their decision and then it'll take over 2 years to get to trial. It's already been 10 months and I'm a wreck! I feel the only positive thing in amongst it all is my new relationship but my trust is **** and I'm so insecure I will always be waiting for him to leave or do something nasty which is crazy. I'm probably not making much sense. I will just shut up now. Sorry. Thank you for last night and for all your kindness. I'm honestly so grateful to you both. X

[Rights Fighter]

I am so sorry that you had that response from your mum. May I ask, is she usually like that or is this an unusual reaction for her? If the latter, then possibly she has had something similar happen to her and this came as a shock?

You should get a lot of support from crisis centres up to and after any trial, should one happen.

You've taken this huge first step. The result was fab!

Your mum appears to have let you down - maybe ask why?

One step at a time. This is all you can do or you will drive yourself potty.

(((HUGS)))

[Autumn Fairy]

Sadly this isn't unusual for my mum. When my teacher first helped me disclose childhood abuse to her she threatened me with telling my father for 6 months every time I stepped a foot out of line. Eventually I told him myself out of anger because I'd had enough of the threats and my dad's aggressive behaviour if I locked a door or wanted to be alone. After that my father invited his friend who'd abused me around for an evening and made me sit on his lap and give him a kiss and make him cups of tea... Like nothing had ever happened. According to my father i had encouraged his actions because I was wearing a short nightie when this guy stayed the night. I was 13! I wore a nightshirt like the rest of my friends at that time. I wasn't parading around the house in it, I was in bed, asleep on a Sunday morning! The only reason he saw my nightie was because he entered my bedroom uninvited while I was still sleeping and helped himself to my body. I learnt from a young age not to expect any support or protection from my family. They will crucify me over this when they find out. They will find a way to blame me for my husband's behaviour. It will come down to the fact I should have given him what he wanted because it was my duty as his wife. I know where this is going and my mind is already there.

[Franticwithworry]

Oh my goodness! No, you are right unfortunately, your family is not supportive so you cannot rely on them for help, but you don't have to go through this alone. You have your partner now to as much of an extent as you can both manage. It will take time for you to trust and for him to know what support you need. Take that gently, but I understand why you are still in turmoil. Breathe, and trust yourself if you can. You have no experience of loving, trustworthy men, so this is a new experience for you.

You can create a new 'family' and you don't have to tell the old one any more than is absolutely necessary. You don't have to give them the opportunity to bring you down or doubt yourself. It's hard to get away from toxic and negative parents and their 'values' but they are not right - your husband had no special rights over your body simply because he was married to you, and the man in your childhood was completely to blame for what happened, not you, in any way, shape or form.

Have you contacted a local Rape Crisis Centre? I think it is they who are able to provide all sorts of practical support, even things like a 'buddy' to go to court with you. I'm not sure where you are in the country, but I think that they are nationwide. If you decide to contact them and they don't do this, come and say so here. I KNOW that there's an organisation that does this, and if it's not them, I'll find out who it is for you, I just can't remember for sure right this minute.

You have made huge strides in dealing with this. Have you had any counselling or have you managed so far on your own? I don't want to put any personal details on your thread and detract from your story, but your situation and experience makes me so very angry on your behalf.

You deserve so much better. Please don't give up on bringing this man to justice. You don't have to navigate this alone, you really don't.

PS You were making perfect sense. :-)

[Rights Fighter]

Oh FFS! My adoptive mother was one for blaming me whenever somebody did something awful to me.

That's the problem with people who cannot take responsibility for their own actions (or inactions).

Sending you stax of (((HUGS)))

[Autumn Fairy]

Rights Fighter, I am so sorry to hear you have experienced similar behaviour from those who should have protected you. It always makes me feel really sad to know someone else has been treated that way. Far sadder for others than for myself because I have grown up burying my pain so it seems unimportant to me in comparison to others' traumas. I actually feel things for others whereas I am generally far more detached when it comes to myself. I guess when I have blips like I am at the moment it makes it all the more scary to me because I'm so used to feeling nothing that when I feel everything all at once like I am right now it is too much to bear. Thank you so much for the hugs. I feel incredibly pathetic admitting it but I could do with them right now.

Franticwithworry, I know you are right about my partner and I want to believe it will all be ok and he will help me through this but I can't help but think that it's a huge responsibility for him to take on and I worry that I may be expecting too McGee of him. I'm not a needy person but today I was so inconsolably upset and I just wanted to see him and to feel his arms around me and that's not like me. I don't want to be the victim who needs a knight in shining armour to come and rescue her! I want to not need anyone else. If I rely only on me, when things go tits up I only have myself to blame.

Have I contacted rape crisis? I'm currently on a 7 month long waiting list for specialist help. I recently stopped working with a therapist after 9 years and I trusted her more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life but she left me. It hurts like hell. My trust has been battered. I feel completely lost and alone. I have an ISVA (independent sexual violence advocate) who is supposed to help me through the police process but it's not a regular thing and although she's lovely it's the day to day stuff I need help
With... The stuff in the here and now. I put a smile on my face every day and pretend to the world everything is ok because I know from experience it's not acceptable to be any other way. Every message I've ever received suggests I am to blame, I am dirty, there is something really bad and evil about me that makes people behave the way they do. It's my fault these things happen and they will happen again because I can't stop it. They will always find me. I can't hide and I'm so tired.

[Franticwithworry]

Franticwithworry, 'I know you are right about my partner and I want to believe it will all be ok and he will help me through this but I can't help but think that it's a huge responsibility for him to take on and I worry that I may be expecting too McGee of him. I'm not a needy person but today I was so inconsolably upset and I just wanted to see him and to feel his arms around me and that's not like me. I don't want to be the victim who needs a knight in shining armour to come and rescue her! I want to not need anyone else. If I rely only on me, when things go tits up I only have myself to blame.

Have I contacted rape crisis? I'm currently on a 7 month long waiting list for specialist help. I recently stopped working with a therapist after 9 years and I trusted her more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life but she left me. It hurts like hell. My trust has been battered. I feel completely lost and alone. I have an ISVA (independent sexual violence advocate) who is supposed to help me through the police process but it's not a regular thing and although she's lovely it's the day to day stuff I need help
With... The stuff in the here and now. I put a smile on my face every day and pretend to the world everything is ok because I know from experience it's not acceptable to be any other way. Every message I've ever received suggests I am to blame, I am dirty, there is something really bad and evil about me that makes people behave the way they do. It's my fault these things happen and they will happen again because I can't stop it. They will always find me. I can't hide and I'm so tired.'

A few things to think about:

1) the amount of responsibility involved is for your partner to decide. If he loves you it won't feel like a responsibility to him, it will feel like an act of love.

2) you're not expecting it of him, you're hoping for it - there's a BIG and positive difference.

3) longing for a hug and words of comfort isn't necessarily 'needy' and as a human being it's normal and natural to want those things sometimes. Even so, as humans we have needs. There's nothing wrong with that. Yes, you want to be able to cope alone. You can do and you are doing. Humans are social animals so what you are wanting and needing right now is normal, especially after such an exhilarating experience of his reaction when you told him. It's ok. Knights in Shining armour have nothing on what you are looking for here - what you describe is wanting someone to accompany you on the journey, not to come in and fix everything. Your hopes and expectations are
normal and reasonable, but your life experience makes it difficult for you to recognise it. You can be responsible for yourself while enjoying help and support from a partner.

4) Gratious, I'm sorry that the waiting list is so long, but glad that you are on it. Sorry too that you had a therapist for so long but no longer. How did that relationship come to an end? Is there a prospect for any other? After a childhood of abuse, it can be very difficult to reset the messages that have been learned but it CAN be done and you ARE doing it. Yes, we need to put on brave faces for the rest of the world while we are struggling internally, but one thing is clear - re-setting is a path you are on and far enough along for your new partner to recognise. You ARE making progress.

5) If the day-to-day worries get overwhelming, have you tried calling the Samaritans? They are not just for the suicidal, they are for anyone distressed by anything. I know it's not the same as a therapist or anything, and it's a different person each time, but they are a human voice, available immediately for the 'here and now'.

for today. I hope it's better than yesterday.