Don't Know what to do ...

[Terrylee]

Hi I'm Terry I don't know what to do

about nine years ago I was at work normal so they fit windscreens and I was that this old man's house is it do you wanna drink coming to grab one so I went in and I heard the door locked behind me

two men appeared and force me to the ground and the rest don't need to know.

I have a wife and 2 beautiful children I love the bones of my family but fear I'm going to loose them

I need help I can't stop looking at porn day/night dating app the lot strAight or gay . I don't know what it makes me as I'm a strong man 5/10 and I got raped by 3 men and couldn't stop them . When they were done they just opened the door and let me out .

I didn't know who to turn to my mum dad's uncles or grandparents.or police as dind want to believe it .

about five weeks ago I was going to go back to the house and kick the Door in . But I couldn't just too scared i've tried so hard to carry on unknown to my family of the my wife but it's just too hard for her to understand the things I'm doing it just to be one of the lads I don't have is my way of coping

I have told her a few times how sorry I am but she dosent believe me I don't know what starts it or how to control it but when it happens there is no thought behind it other than shame

[wakingnightmare]

Hello Terry

Really sorry you find yourself here.

Firstly don't blame yourself for what happened and please don't feel any shame.

I think you need to seek counselling to help you deal with the ongoing trauma.

I'm guessing you haven't told your wife about this nor the rest of your family. You clearly love your wife and children and they in turn love you. I suspect she is aware that there is something troubling you and her imagination is probably running wild. Perhaps you could tell her what happened and allow her to help and support you. No doubt she will be very shocked but she loves you, trust her. If telling her is too big a step initially I urge you to approach your GP for counselling or one of the specialist organisations. You have suffered a brutal attack which is impacting on your life. Spending 9 years dealing with this on your own shows how strong you are, recognising you need extra support now is also a sign of strength.

Best wishes x

[Terrylee]

Thank you

Thank you for your support I'm having a really low day and you have made me fill a bit better my wife dose know about the attack but dont think she really believes me as iv had to lie for so long . I only wish that it was a different addiction like drink or drugs as it seems to be more acceptable and the treatment easier to find . I will call my gp thanks for your advice I'm 28 sat in my work van sobbing my arse off because I thought I was alone...... Many many thanks

[Rights Fighter]

I have told her a few times how sorry I am but she dosent believe me I don't know what starts it or how to control it but when it happens there is no thought behind it other than shame

If you've not told her, why are you saying you are sorry? Sorry for what?

I am astonished that the police do not believe you as there could well have been DNA at the scene.

I suggest that you contact your MP and ask him to make representations to the Police Standards / complaints department and also to the Chief Constable in your area.

[Terrylee]

Sorry

If you've not told her, why are you saying you are sorry? Sorry for what

I'm sorry for not beaing the man she deserves I never told the police as I didn't want to believe that it happened so I just shut it away and carried on
I want to teller but it's like when I try to speak nothing comes out all the words are in my head but I just can't get them to come out

[wakingnightmare]

Why not write it down or show her this thread if you can't find the words to explain.

I'm sure she believes you but it's a lot to take in.

What she deserves is a man who loves her and wants to be able to raise their family together. You are that man.What happened when you were 19 doesn't make you less of a man. You've found a way of "coping" that is unhealthy for your relationship,you need professional guidance to find a better "coping" mechanism.

[Rights Fighter]

Great advice WN. The longer you keep this bottled up Terry the more it will hurt you even more, in the long run. You will make yourself very ill.

Maybe the first person to trust could be your GP - maybe he or she could help with medication for a start.