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Hi,i have been going through a traumatic time for nearly the last year,but feel i am starting to come out the other side.I was raped 9 years ago,and repressed what had happened for the last nine years,until last april,when the memories came up in counselling for another issue.When i was raped,i was a virgin,and was confused about my sexuality,thinking i could have been gay.The man who raped me was my 45 year old new neighbour,living in the next flat to mine.He had just moved in and we met on the landing between our flats,which were in a shared house.He asked if he could come round one night and introduce himself.I thought nothing of it at the time.(i was 19).One night,he came round and i let him into my flat.I was not very well,and has been depressed also.He seemed really nice and we chatted about lots of stuff.
He asked me about myself,and he seemed interested.Then the phone rang,and it was my mum,and while i was on the phone,he took my hand and started to suck my fingers.I told him to stop and he did.We laughed it off,and i thought he was just messing around.Then he started to ask more personal questions,like 'have you been with a man before'I said no,and that i thought i was gay.I was starting to get worried then.Then he asked if we could have oral sex.I said no.I was really scared then.Then he got more serious and said 'i want to have sex with you'.I was in a daze and very scared.He told me to get on the bed,so i did.Then he took his jeans down and went to try and penetrate me.I said no,and he tried to reassure me.I told him he was hurting me.but he just didnt stop.I lay there paralysed with fear,crying and in agony,until he managed to penetrate me.Then he got off me.There was a lot of blood,and i told him,and he said 'its normal for a first time'.Then he left.I have no memory of what happened after that,except going to uni the next day,feeling like i had the flu,with bad pains in my stomach.I dont remember the next few weeks either.I didnt realise at the time that he had raped me,as i thought that rape happened by a man pulling a woman off the street and using violence.But i know realise that he coerced me psychologically,at a time when i was lonely,depressed and vulnerable.I have had a lot of problems since.I was on a college course last year when the memories came up,and to start with i had to force myself to go,as i was scared to leave the house.I was also scared of men looking at me,and starting having panic attacks.I then got very angry and would really shout at people.Then the counselling i had been having at college when the memories came up ended,and i was left devastated.Since then i managed to complete my college course,and have been having telephone counselling from a rape agency.That was really helping until my counsellor suddenly decided to end it two weeks ago,which really set me back in my recovery.I have managed to get over the agoraphobia by myself byt forcing myself to go out.I am a single parent so had to for my daughters sake.I have also managed to deal better with men,realising that they are not all rapists.Although my opionion of them is still very bad.I also get anxiety when talking to them,and flip if they touch me without asking,as a man did last week.I still get the panic attacks,but are less often then before.I also have an ocd problem,mainly compulsive shopping that has been made worse by the rape memories.I still get a sudden paralysing fear quite often,and will hide away at home to feel safe.I have to make myself feel that i am powerful,to walk down the street sometimes,and when i have to talk to men working in shops etc.
I am going for a counselling assessment next week for face to face counselling,as there were a lot of problems with the telephone counselling.Although i am not sure if i am willing to take the risk again,and my previous counsellor broke my trust in a bad way,as she had never mentioned our counselling ending,then informed me once the decision had already been made with her supervisor.I an VERY angry about it still.I had 14 sessions with her,and it took me a lot to open up and trust her,now i feel that she has betrayed that.Can anyone give me any advise? I am going to tell the assessement lady (from the same agency) next week how i feel about it all,and see what she says.
I have also given in to temptation and bought myself a few things in the last week,as they have been so stressful...
He asked me about myself,and he seemed interested.Then the phone rang,and it was my mum,and while i was on the phone,he took my hand and started to suck my fingers.I told him to stop and he did.We laughed it off,and i thought he was just messing around.Then he started to ask more personal questions,like 'have you been with a man before'I said no,and that i thought i was gay.I was starting to get worried then.Then he asked if we could have oral sex.I said no.I was really scared then.Then he got more serious and said 'i want to have sex with you'.I was in a daze and very scared.He told me to get on the bed,so i did.Then he took his jeans down and went to try and penetrate me.I said no,and he tried to reassure me.I told him he was hurting me.but he just didnt stop.I lay there paralysed with fear,crying and in agony,until he managed to penetrate me.Then he got off me.There was a lot of blood,and i told him,and he said 'its normal for a first time'.Then he left.I have no memory of what happened after that,except going to uni the next day,feeling like i had the flu,with bad pains in my stomach.I dont remember the next few weeks either.I didnt realise at the time that he had raped me,as i thought that rape happened by a man pulling a woman off the street and using violence.But i know realise that he coerced me psychologically,at a time when i was lonely,depressed and vulnerable.I have had a lot of problems since.I was on a college course last year when the memories came up,and to start with i had to force myself to go,as i was scared to leave the house.I was also scared of men looking at me,and starting having panic attacks.I then got very angry and would really shout at people.Then the counselling i had been having at college when the memories came up ended,and i was left devastated.Since then i managed to complete my college course,and have been having telephone counselling from a rape agency.That was really helping until my counsellor suddenly decided to end it two weeks ago,which really set me back in my recovery.I have managed to get over the agoraphobia by myself byt forcing myself to go out.I am a single parent so had to for my daughters sake.I have also managed to deal better with men,realising that they are not all rapists.Although my opionion of them is still very bad.I also get anxiety when talking to them,and flip if they touch me without asking,as a man did last week.I still get the panic attacks,but are less often then before.I also have an ocd problem,mainly compulsive shopping that has been made worse by the rape memories.I still get a sudden paralysing fear quite often,and will hide away at home to feel safe.I have to make myself feel that i am powerful,to walk down the street sometimes,and when i have to talk to men working in shops etc.
I am going for a counselling assessment next week for face to face counselling,as there were a lot of problems with the telephone counselling.Although i am not sure if i am willing to take the risk again,and my previous counsellor broke my trust in a bad way,as she had never mentioned our counselling ending,then informed me once the decision had already been made with her supervisor.I an VERY angry about it still.I had 14 sessions with her,and it took me a lot to open up and trust her,now i feel that she has betrayed that.Can anyone give me any advise? I am going to tell the assessement lady (from the same agency) next week how i feel about it all,and see what she says.
I have also given in to temptation and bought myself a few things in the last week,as they have been so stressful...