Raped many years ago now

[Strugglingtomoveon]

Hello everyone. I was raped at 17, as a quick overview it happened at work, where i was working weekends for extra cash, and for while i wasn't sure if i had even been raped because it wasn't as violent as it appears in the movies. He was much older than me and locked me into a room that i couldn't get out of, before telling me that i had to do what he said and that he was going to have sex with me whether i liked it or not. I was too scared to fight him, but refused my consent. It has had a profound effect on my life. I still think about it every day and i am now 33. I never reported it for fear that i wouldn't be listened to and also because i didn't want my family to find out. There's no point reporting it now because i wouldn't win and it therefor wouldn't be worth the pain it would cause.

Just wanted to share my story and see what others say really.

H x

[Bene]

Hi strugglingtomoveon,


I'm sorry you haven't had any replies on here. You were making the common mistake of replying to very old posts.

I really hope you stick around you may be of great use to many other rape victims who come here.


Hopefully you more replies and even if you don't, 6 months down the line, a poor 17 year old girl or guy who has just been raped may come across your post and it may be of great help and comfort to them.

Your May not see it or feel it but you could potentially really help someone else.

God bless xx

[Strugglingtomoveon]

I'm finding the site very frustrating i must say. Genuine accounts of rape are ignored by most people. Yet heavily viewed? Does no one care enough to reply?

Having said that, if i can help another victim then of course i will.

[AmandaF]

From what I've read of your story, I hope you can find the courage to report it although if you mean pain for you I can fully understand it would be difficult.
I know it's a cliche but have you thought about a rape counselling service or some equivalent ?
Those of us who are on "the other side" as it were sometimes refrain from replying as it often leads to conflict which none of us need but I found your story appalling.

I hope you find solace somewhere

[Strugglingtomoveon]

From what I've read of your story, I hope you can find the courage to report it although if you mean pain for you I can fully understand it would be difficult.
I know it's a cliche but have you thought about a rape counselling service or some equivalent ?
Those of us who are on "the other side" as it were sometimes refrain from replying as it often leads to conflict which none of us need but I found your story appalling.

I hope you find solace somewhere

Thank you for replying, it means a lot. But i really don't see the point in reporting it now? What evidence do i have? And what's the point if i know I'll lose?

[Lilyput]

Hi hun have you ever had counselling
Never had a traumatic experience but had bad anxiety counselling and church together made a massive positive impact. Maybe if counselling could help your confidence you could decide whether to report it at a later date. Your own mental health is most important, dont.forget that
Hope you dont mind me replying.

[Rights Fighter]

I can't see that you would gain anything from reporting it now.

A few years back in 2008 a solicitor suggested that I report CSA but I decided against.

I weighed up the pros and cons.

1: I wouldn't benefit (apart from financially if I was believed)

2: The person's family members had done nothing to me and were lovely people: I didn't want them to go through any worry, anxiety and heartache.


I had a lot of counselling / therapy through the years (starting 1986). It works if you have the right therapist and/or are in the right therapy group for you. It will only work if you really want it to as you have to go into yourself to change your negative perceptions and behaviours, caused by the abuse.

Unhappy children grow up to be unhappy adults due to abuse and learned (bad) behaviour. That learned bad behaviour has to be acknowledged and then worked on. Some people refuse to see that they need that help, for them to progress, so they continue (for instance as drama queens) making everyone else's lives as miserable as theirs are. Sharing the pain around to everyone in sight, as it were.

You come across to me as being sensible and with no "drama queen" proclivities. I think you could benefit from the help that is out there. The problem is, finding it. Years ago counselling and therapy groups were much easier to find and was funded by the NHS.

If you haven't already, have a chat with your GP, tell him/her how you feel, how the experiences have affected your life (with me it was mainly booze and prescription drugs) and see if he/her can at least refer you to a suitable "first step".

It's great that you have acknowledged that you need help. Well done! If your GP can't help try CAB and local Rape Crisis centres in your area.

Good luck!

[AmandaF]

Very wise comments RF

[Lilyput]

Very wise, also worth asking if your attacker has children as in our home and from other posters children are also the victims in police investigations and court proceedings.

[Bene]

Thank you for replying, it means a lot. But i really don't see the point in reporting it now? What evidence do i have? And what's the point if i know I'll lose?

It's completely up to you whether you report the rape or not.
It has it's advantages and disadvantages, before I decided to report my rape after 18 months I made a list of the advantages and disadvantages of reporting.

You should ask yourself will reporting this bring me any sort of peace? How will it help me in my recovery and healing?
Because as soon as you make that report everything that happens next is completely out of your hands. You have zero say in the outcome of the investigation.
One big advantage is that the allegation remains on the suspects file for life, so in 50 years it will still be there. You never know perhaps other women have reported this man to the police in the past but the police have not been able to charge him due to lack of evidence. One good thing is that his name will under the police's radar.
You said that this happened when you were 17 and now your 33? Can you imagine how many more women this man has raped in the past 17 years?

When I was 16 I was sexually assaulted by an older male who worked in a corner shop near my home he had been grooming me since I was 12, when I finally reported him to the police I later found out that a girl earlier on had reported him to the police for the something but the girl for whatever reason decided not to pursue the investigation any longer so he was not charged.
If only that poor girl had gone through with the investigation it would not have happened to me and God knows how many other girls.
So by reporting him you don't know how many other girls you could potentially be saving.
Even if the case goes no further than him being interviewed) your standing up for yourself and giving your self a voice!! Telling your story) This is what happened to me and it was wrong and the perpetrator deserves to be held accountable regardless of how long ago it was.
Xx

[AmandaF]

I was going to say that given his attitude to young girls, there just may be other allegations- it's a gamble though.
perhaps with right counselling/ advice you may be able to make an "informed decision" as to how, or indeed whether, to proceed.

Lilyput- most people who don't know any better think we should all suffer anyway- just part of being collateral damage.

On our FA's FB page it was commented that women like me should also hang and who gives an F about our children??

[Bene]

Lord have mercy, I can't believe I'm seeing these comments.
Sweet lord Jesus!!!

Dear strugglingtomoveon

Please Hun think about yourself! And what's best for you!!
If you decide not to report the rape that decision should solely be based on what's good for yourself your mental health and sanity.
Please please please don't ever ever base your decision not to report the rape ) be base on how an investigation affect the rapist's family, children, job whatever.
Think about yourself!!
You were someone's child your rapist did not stop and think about
how his action will potentially affect your parents! Or your family, friends, education. He did not think about how his action will affect your potential marriage and future he thought about himself his sexual needs.
You are not responsible for someone else's actions, you are not to blame for the consequences of his action. He is!!!
When you rape someone you don't just ruin your victims life but you also destroy your own.



No!!! No!!!No No No!!! No No!!!

I'm going to lose my mind!!

[Lilyput]

Strugglingtomoveon i sent you a PM as i don't think it's at all fair that yet another person who is struggling has had their thread turn into yet another argument. If you need a chat feel free to wb in very different situations but its a horrible time of year to feel **** and alone with bad thoughts.

[AmandaF]

Actually I think that's what we're all suggesting- that this poor woman should do what's best for her?

[Lilyput]

I agree her mental health is most important i think most counsellors would help you to decide whether reporting would help the healing process. OP sounds like they are going through a rough time and everyone seems to.have genuine concern. Same people start arguments EVERY thread and its unfair on the OP.