Rape in marriage??

[Its me]

Hi, we've been married 22 years- 3 children all over age of 10 now.
We have sex and few times a week sometimes more but I often get woken up in the mornings by my husband trying to have sex with me, even when we have had sex the night before!
I grunt and try to shake him off (to him this is me "wanting it") he will sometimes stop and wait for me to fall back asleep
Before trying again. If I don't let him he gets angry and leaves for work in a mood
I have asked him to go to the doctors (maybe he has sexsomnia) he said the doctor
Said he should really get him arrested there and then but referred him to a mental counciler,
We discussed he shouldn't attend, as I don't want him to go to jail!
Everything has stopped for few months, only to be woken this morning by him trying it on again.
I said to him no I don't want to leave me to sleep - you carry on now it's rape I've said no!
He didn't stop had his way and said what are we to do, I want sex at night when he's tired and he wants it in the mornings and then he left for work....
I told him I will be telling the doctor maybe I could get help, his reply was.. Do you want be to sleep in different room (we've tried this, only for him to climb back into our bed during the night as he's not comfy) or if I tell the doctor then I'll be sending him to jail
I don't want to be the person to put him in prison and I don't want my children knowing what their dad does and that their mum put their dad in prison.
I have talked to my mum and sister they say he is in the wrong, I do make time for our sex lives although it's hard as sex is only to please him after he's orgasmed it's all over.
This has been going on for 5 years plus now, I don't know what to do anymore

[joe_3178]

Your husband is playing a very dangerous game. I'm not sure how he can expect to remain married to you when he behaves this way and he could easily end up in prison.

Do you ever get the impression that this is more than him just wanting sex, ie. Does he ever seem to enjoy the idea of forcing sex on you?

I think some counselling would be good for you, maybe ask the doctor and keep details vague with the doctor if you prefer to talk in more depth with the counsellor. There are also rape call centres and support groups which you might want to access, apologies I don't have any numbers to hand but they are easy to search for online. (Use incognito mode or delete history if you are concerned about your husband finding out)

Meanwhile your husband needs to stop. I'm sure many couples have times when one or the other is 'not in the mood' but goes along anyway, this sounds a step above that and it's worrying that you so clearly told him to stop recently and he didn't.

[Rights Fighter]

It's a difficult one. I've lived like this, and left the buggers as I couldn't cope with the constant pestering.

It seems that he is emotionally blackmailing you with "we'll sleep in separate bedrooms" and then backtracking on that when you do.

When mine said "you'll end up on your own if you don't" I played Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive"......

Part of the lyrics are:

"Go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, cos you not welcome here, any more!"

Seriously though, he sounds like a selfish git. If you have children under the age of 16 years, you should be able to keep the house and he can leave. Tell him you want him out, you cannot live like this, feeling like you are a piece of meat, or a performing seal to perform as and when he requires and you will be contacting a solicitor about a divorce.

Once you start removing him from your life you will feel like a huge burden has been lifted.

[Lilyput]

Is he controlling in other ways? Sounds like a symptom of far bigger issue he has about respecting you. You deserve much better. I would say if you don't feel hes a danger youd be better off leaving than contacting the police. That way if hes a good dad he can still see the kids but you'll be safe. No always means no and anyone who loves and cares for you will respect that.

[Its me]

Thank all so much for comments and advice, it's hard to explain, he is very controlling in some ways
Mainly through insecurity and jealousness, but I have lived with this 25 years so I guess really I'm as much to blame for letting him control me.
It's just the morning sex I want to stop, I've told him I'm not turned on, it hurts sometimes and I hate to be woken up by it. I love him but not so much in love any more, we have split 4 years apart before and all we did was wanted each other back, so I worried I will miss him again, also I have a very easy life, stay at home, do my thing as much as he lets me (I'm lazy) if we break up/ separate I'm worried about finances and going back to work... I've been single mum before and it's hard work alone.
However I'm now thinking if he tries again maybe I should ask him to leave??
Rather than go get him into trouble, hopefully the fear of me telling a doctor might put a stop to him ... I do hope. I just wish he would listen!

[Its me]

I've searched online for help and advice, there's nothing in my area 😕 I also feel silly talking about it - my family day I should retaliate or get up and move away instead of letting him do it, so I'm to blame I guess, I'm not good with conflicts and speaking out.

[joe_3178]

so I'm to blame I guess

C'mon now, if you'll forgive me you are sounding rather meek.

Make it clear to him you want it to never happen again. (ensure there is no miscommunication around this). Maybe counselling would help you to develop your self esteem and strength

I've searched online for help and advice, there's nothing in my area

look a bit harder or see your GP for access to a counsellor, try it out… see if it helps

[Rights Fighter]

Well said Joe!

Shout at me if you like Its Me, but are you confusing love with habit? Here's a for instance.....

Back in the 80's I lived in a block of flats that was populated mainly by people who had been homeless or found themselves in very difficult circumstances. With that came the usual awful situations.

Next door to me lived a young lady and her abusive boyfriend. I would wake up to hear screaming and I'd call the police. He would be removed and a few days later they would be walking around hand in hand. I stopped calling the police as it was a waste of their time.

On one occasion though, when he was in the cells over a Bank Holiday, I asked her why she kept taking him back. She said "I love him. We've been together ages". I suggested that maybe this wasn't love, but that she was scared of being alone and that she felt that any bad behaviour from him was better than being alone.

She looked quite shocked when I said that and said she hadn't thought of that. Not long afterwards she moved out. To this day I don't know if they ever got back together, but I do know from my own experience, that fear of being alone (with or without children) if often greater than the fear of violence. I now have a completely different view on life thank God.

In your case Its Me, have you thought as to why you cannot bear to be apart? Is it really love? Or is it because you can't face the thought of being without him / a man?

While you stay with him you are potentially losing out on a lovely man who will be WORTHY of you and who will treat you like a queen, not like a piece of meat to be used over and again.

You say you love each other. The way he treats you is not love. It's somewhere to stay, where he will be fed and looked after, and somebody to have sex with, then sleep. This is using - not loving.

You are worth so much more. And while you stay with him, you are losing out on potential golden opportunities to be treated like the Queen you are.

I recognise too much in your life, of what I've had in the past. Escape before it's too late, hon. There's a big world out there for you. Don't waste your life.

Hug loading.gif

[Bene]

I've searched online for help and advice, there's nothing in my area  I also feel silly talking about it - my family day I should retaliate or get up and move away instead of letting him do it, so I'm to blame I guess, I'm not good with conflicts and speaking out.

Dear its me,


Please don't ever blame yourself!! His your husband he made a vow to honour love and respect you, you shouldn't have to fight him off, just saying no honey not now' he should respect that and back off. Please don't blame yourself you did everything you possibly could, his the one with the problem not you Hun. As you've stated this has been going on for 5 years, as a husband) if you know that your action is inflicting harm to your wife) you would do whatever to stop that and get help.
The fact that his emotionally black mailing you shows his true colours. He should be the one egar for therapy. If he truly cares about you and this marriage than he should be doing whatever it takes to get help and mend this. But from the sound of things his not doing that.

Please have a deep think and ask yourself, Is this a marriage you really want to remain in for another 25 years?
Is this a marriage that you Would want your children in?

And finally what are you getting out of this marriage?
Where the love, honour and respect?


Many women/men remain in horrible relationships marriages for all sorts of reasons. It doesn't make any of them weak or silly) were human most of us tend to remain in places where we feel comfortable.
I was in a horrible toxic relationship with a guy when I was 19. It lasted only 10 months. He ended up raping me. I made every excuse for him. I still remain in contact with him for 6 months after the rape. My friends called me stupid weak, for still talking to him and loving him after what he did. I couldn't see my life without him. When I finally decided to move on, I felt unbelievably lonely) it felt like a huge piece of me was missing, looking back now) I'm so glad I moved on I'm free now!! I can't believe I ever thought for a second that was love. A
God has someone a million times better for me.
And the same for you.

From an outside prespective, it's hard to understand why anyone would want to remain in a relationship where their partner, husband harms them. How can that be love? it's not love!! It's easy for other people to say leave him, if it was that easy you would of done it by now.



They were great with me. When you finally do decide to leave him, they can help you and advice ) you with Accommodations, finance and offer counselling. Not just when you leave him but now also)
I know it's hard, you've been with him for 25 years, I can't even comprehend how hard it would be to leave a marriage after 25 years. But you deserve so much better) God has so much better for you.

I'll pray that you have peace and strength to leave.


X

[Bene]

[QUOTE=joe_3178;58577]C'mon now, if you'll forgive me you are sounding rather meek.

Make it clear to him you want it to never happen again. (ensure there is no miscommunication around this). Maybe counselling would help you to develop your self esteem and strength




Dad joe,
I know you mean we'll and want to help her but please have more compassion. She's not sounding meek" after you've been married for 25 years to a husband who's rapping and controlling that does a lot to someone spirit!!

She's emotionally vulnerable and needs encouragement.
That's not encouraging or helpful!!

You want to help I get that) but please try being more understanding and compassion to people's situations.

[joe_3178]

[QUOTE=Bene;58583]

C'mon now, if you'll forgive me you are sounding rather meek.

Make it clear to him you want it to never happen again. (ensure there is no miscommunication around this). Maybe counselling would help you to develop your self esteem and strength




Dad joe,
I know you mean we'll and want to help her but please have more compassion. She's not sounding meek" after you've been married for 25 years to a husband who's rapping and controlling that does a lot to someone spirit!!

She's emotionally vulnerable and needs encouragement.
That's not encouraging or helpful!!

You want to help I get that) but please try being more understanding and compassion to people's situations.

Bene, I agree encouragement is needed. My comments are meant in a positive sense not in a negative way. I hope the poster finds strength to stand up to this man and she has my full support x

[AmandaF]

I had similar issues with my ex- I didn't like it, he didn't listen eventually I left.


However I never thought of this as rape- just something we didn't agree on. If I was so horrified by it he would never have near me again! I most certainly would not have had any physical contact with him at all. I think the issues are one of control .

Recently on here there have been a few posts on here asking *Is this rape*? Is this indicative as to how muddied the waters have become?

(waits to get shot down in flames)

[Lilyput]

It's controversial Amanda but I agree about muddied waters was talking to another Mum this week (she doesn't know about FA) about whether it's more worrying to have boys or girls. Anyway we were both saying you use to worry more about girls as risk of being rapped or kidnapped or worse (and that is of course still a worry) but now with so many false accusations of domestic violence and rape taken seriously it's almost scarier to have a boy. Women are seen as the vulnerable members of society and get preferential treatment in many ways, I wish domestic abuse and sexual abuse against men were taken more seriously to be honest, we're all people and we all deserve to be treated with the same respect. However In this case when she said no clearly and it happened anyway I would describe that as rape.

It's me I think the fact he stopped before and started again isn't a very good sign for the future sorry sweetie, I think a lot of controlling men stop their behavior when there is a risk of other people finding out, only to start again when the coast is clear. Sorry I'm not an expert but I do strongly believe people only change when they want to. I've convinced my DP to give up smoking so many times, and he has done for months and months but as soon as life gets stressful he buys a pack of cigarettes, I think the reason is he doesn't really in his heart of hearts want to quit yet. I know it's a totally different thing, but I think if people don't truly want to change, it will only ever be temporary. I hope you find a way to be strong maybe seek some counselling and some confidence building classes, build a strong social circle so you can be brave enough to go it alone. Masses of encouragement!! xx

[Rights Fighter]

[QUOTE=Bene;58583]

C'mon now, if you'll forgive me you are sounding rather meek.

Make it clear to him you want it to never happen again. (ensure there is no miscommunication around this). Maybe counselling would help you to develop your self esteem and strength




Dad joe,
I know you mean we'll and want to help her but please have more compassion. She's not sounding meek" after you've been married for 25 years to a husband who's rapping and controlling that does a lot to someone spirit!!

She's emotionally vulnerable and needs encouragement.
That's not encouraging or helpful!!

You want to help I get that) but please try being more understanding and compassion to people's situations.

One day Bene you might actually post in answer to one of the FAd people in a more understanding and compassionate way. Sometimes it takes a few well-meant strongly framed words to wake any of us up to do what is right.

If somebody had written that to me, it may well have encouraged me to "put my boxing gloves on" and do something about it.

Tea and sympathy does not always work - I know that from experience.

Joe's words I am sure were written with the very best of intentions and it is not for you to chide those good intentions.

Its Me - as you are unsure of what to do at this point, talking to a professional might help. I have known many women in the same sort of situation who had been married for many years, and after they eventually left for their own sanity and self esteem, they realised that what they had been hanging on to wasn't love, and it certainly wasn't good for their own health be it mental / emotional or physical.

Only you can make the decision. Maybe start with a list of pros and cons.....

[AmandaF]

It's me I think the fact he stopped before and started again isn't a very good sign for the future sorry sweetie, I think a lot of controlling men stop their behavior when there is a risk of other people finding out, only to start again when the coast is clear. Sorry I'm not an expert but I do strongly believe people only change when they want to. I've convinced my DP to give up smoking so many times, and he has done for months and months but as soon as life gets stressful he buys a pack of cigarettes, I think the reason is he doesn't really in his heart of hearts want to quit yet. I know it's a totally different thing, but I think if people don't truly want to change, it will only ever be temporary. I hope you find a way to be strong maybe seek some counselling and some confidence building classes, build a strong social circle so you can be brave enough to go it alone. Masses of encouragement!! xx

I think you make a very good point here about stopping and restarting controlling behaviour. One of our FA's was found guilty of domestic abuse but he;s now back in the house with his partner and her 12 year old son who presumably he abused. I'm told the house is always in darkness and they are rarely seen out- just hoping he does something else that might help us.
It's diificult to leave when you have young kids and I always thought staying was the best thing. But now I see one of my daughters in a similar relationship and they all know what their dad was like now anyway. Tough call