Was it rape??

[Kimi]

This is the first time I have ever posted in a forum & I am unsure whether it's the right thing to do as its something that happened so long ago that I completely blocked out but for some reason it has resurfaced & I'm struggling to deal with it as I don't know what it was.

Early in a long term relationship my partner came home drunk & woke me up wanting sex, I was completely sober. I made it clear that I didn't want to have sex & said no numerous times but that did not stop it happening & I cried the whole time, but he was so drunk that he didn't even notice. The next day it was as if nothing happened but inside I was so hurt & confused. I am not very good at talking so I bottled it up inside & ended up getting depressed for a while, I went to talk to somebody but still wouldn't open up. In the end I managed to block it out & got on with the relationship, but recently I ended it.

Since ending the relationship I have been in a bad place mentally & this has resurfaced due to me never ever dealing with it. I found it hard then because I never knew what it was & I still don't. I guess I feel like it wasn't rape because it was my partner & he was drunk. It may sound crazy but I feel I need someone to tell me what it was just so I can make sense of it & hopefully deal with it finally.
I'm sorry if this is not as bad as other people's stories but it really is messing with my head at the moment & I needed to open up to somebody.

[Stayingstrong]

This is the first time I have ever posted in a forum & I am unsure whether it's the right thing to do as its something that happened so long ago that I completely blocked out but for some reason it has resurfaced & I'm struggling to deal with it as I don't know what it was.

Early in a long term relationship my partner came home drunk & woke me up wanting sex, I was completely sober. I made it clear that I didn't want to have sex & said no numerous times but that did not stop it happening & I cried the whole time, but he was so drunk that he didn't even notice. The next day it was as if nothing happened but inside I was so hurt & confused. I am not very good at talking so I bottled it up inside & ended up getting depressed for a while, I went to talk to somebody but still wouldn't open up. In the end I managed to block it out & got on with the relationship, but recently I ended it.

Since ending the relationship I have been in a bad place mentally & this has resurfaced due to me never ever dealing with it. I found it hard then because I never knew what it was & I still don't. I guess I feel like it wasn't rape because it was my partner & he was drunk. It may sound crazy but I feel I need someone to tell me what it was just so I can make sense of it & hopefully deal with it finally.
I'm sorry if this is not as bad as other people's stories but it really is messing with my head at the moment & I needed to open up to somebody.

Dear Kimi

Welcome to the forum, and I am very sorry you had to find us this way. You are currently in a very dark place and totally unsure on everything

Stay calm, and if you have any close friends, then please confide in them. If not, then please do keep posting here on the forum, and I know you will get support. Perhaps some will have differing opinions, and thoughts, but none of us has walked in your shoes.

With regards to if it was rape or not - form what you have put, my personal thoughts are yes- It was penetrative sex, and was non consensual - Thats it.

However, I would ask that you try and seek counselling first, either from friends, or even your GP.

I sit on the other fence, in that my OH was accused of rape. I know what happens to the accused - if they are innocent or guilty. Its horrendous.

I also know that what you physically went through all that time ago, was horrific, and I would not wish that on any woman (or man) - However this was a while ago, and you had moved forwards - it is only now it has re-surfaced (for whatever reason)

I am not a shrink - and this is only an innocent suggestion - after all I am a woman (currently 57) - For what ever reason you have now decided to end your relationship - I would say you must have loved your man. Is there any other reason - A woman scorned is the worst woman ever. I know.

Take care

[Bene]

This is the first time I have ever posted in a forum & I am unsure whether it's the right thing to do as its something that happened so long ago that I completely blocked out but for some reason it has resurfaced & I'm struggling to deal with it as I don't know what it was.

Early in a long term relationship my partner came home drunk & woke me up wanting sex, I was completely sober. I made it clear that I didn't want to have sex & said no numerous times but that did not stop it happening & I cried the whole time, but he was so drunk that he didn't even notice. The next day it was as if nothing happened but inside I was so hurt & confused. I am not very good at talking so I bottled it up inside & ended up getting depressed for a while, I went to talk to somebody but still wouldn't open up. In the end I managed to block it out & got on with the relationship, but recently I ended it.

Since ending the relationship I have been in a bad place mentally & this has resurfaced due to me never ever dealing with it. I found it hard then because I never knew what it was & I still don't. I guess I feel like it wasn't rape because it was my partner & he was drunk. It may sound crazy but I feel I need someone to tell me what it was just so I can make sense of it & hopefully deal with it finally.
I'm sorry if this is not as bad as other people's stories but it really is messing with my head at the moment & I needed to open up to somebody.

Dear kimi,
I'm very sorry with what happened to you.
The mind has a way of bringing stuff back that you thought you dealt with.
Please don't give yourself a hard time that now it's all coming back.


First off all! You should be proud of yourself for ending the relationship. So many women don't! They remain in these horrible relationships for years and years.
Be proud of yourself that you are now out and can truly begin to heal and start your journey of recovery.
It doesn't matter whether it happened yesterday a year ago or 30 years ago. It was something traumatic that happened and would take you some time to truly appreciate what happened.
I was attacked by a guy I was kinda off seeing for a about a year ago. Pretty similar to what happened to you. Except he wasn't drunk)
I said no and he didn't stop instead he put a pillowcase over my face.
To answer your question it's rape) and after it happened. He went on as if nothing had happened) and do did I it took me a year to truly appreciate what happened to me and that it was rape.

Perhaps you should think about counselling) it was a great help for me to come to terms with what happened to me, it would do the same for you.
Regardless of whether he was drunk, he was boyfriend he should of respected you and not hurt you.
What also helped me was keeping a daily journal) writing down my feelings, thoughts. Having a safe and private place to express how your feeling. The hardest step is accepting what happened was wrong) because with acceptance it comes with all the ugly emotions. Feelings of why? Why did he do it why sold he want to harm me. He was suppose to love me, care about me.
It's been 2 years, well nearly 2 years on December) that I was raped and I'm still slowly coming to terms with what happened to me.
What has helped me is my faith and religion. Especially recently! With God's grace and strength I'm starting to heal and move forward.
Recovery is not the end result but a journey!!



You will get there! It will take time!!
You will have some crab days, but you have to fight through them. Just know that this want your fault. You didn't deserve it.
And you will find someone a million times better who would never hurt you.

Be patient with yourself) god bless you
X

[jittery]

hi

This is the first time I have ever posted in a forum & I am unsure whether it's the right thing to do as its something that happened so long ago that I completely blocked out but for some reason it has resurfaced & I'm struggling to deal with it as I don't know what it was.

Early in a long term relationship my partner came home drunk & woke me up wanting sex, I was completely sober. I made it clear that I didn't want to have sex & said no numerous times but that did not stop it happening & I cried the whole time, but he was so drunk that he didn't even notice. The next day it was as if nothing happened but inside I was so hurt & confused. I am not very good at talking so I bottled it up inside & ended up getting depressed for a while, I went to talk to somebody but still wouldn't open up. In the end I managed to block it out & got on with the relationship, but recently I ended it.

Since ending the relationship I have been in a bad place mentally & this has resurfaced due to me never ever dealing with it. I found it hard then because I never knew what it was & I still don't. I guess I feel like it wasn't rape because it was my partner & he was drunk. It may sound crazy but I feel I need someone to tell me what it was just so I can make sense of it & hopefully deal with it finally.
I'm sorry if this is not as bad as other people's stories but it really is messing with my head at the moment & I needed to open up to somebody.

Hi Kimi, what a nasty predicament! Don't apologise to us, there's no need, this forum can sound crazy too sometimes because we find ourselves in crazy situations.

In your shoes, I would be messed up: I'd be thinking, well yes this is rape, but it's clearly through diminished responsibility so what do I do? I wish I could now say "well I'd do....", but I'm stumped too.

Relationships ending always puts us in a bad place; and when we're down bad memories do pop into our minds, just when we need them least! For what it's worth my feeling is that the bloke obviously found you so desirable that he clearly wanted you very badly, if you feel that he was so drunk that he was incapable of even knowing what he was doing then I would try to ask myself (in your shoes) how he would have behaved if he were sober and use that as a springboard to try to resolve the issue.

Sorry I can't be more help, but I feel sure you will resolve this now that you're facing up to it.
Stay strong