I need to express my thoughts

[RK29]

I was raped 4 and a half years ago and for the most part I've moved on from it. However recently things have been stirred up again and I can feel myself slipping into old habits: being unsociable, moody, not taking care of myself, not eating properly and crawling in bed as soon as I get home. I don't care if anyone reads this or not, but I feel like I should write this down and get it out of my system.

When I was 19 I visited my best friend who was at uni in a city I'd never been to before and I went out for the night with my friend and her housemate. We were all ridiculously drunk and the last clear memory I have is doing a shot at the bar.

My memories from then on get a bit hazy and it's hard to describe but some of the stuff I remember happening as I was there, and other things I couldn't remember for 2 days. I don't really shed myself in the best light in the next part. After the bar I completely black out - I have no memory until I find myself in an alleyway having sex with a guy - all I remember about him was he had black hair and a blue checked shirt. I have no idea where I met this guy but I don't feel any guilt over that sex so I assume it was consensual.

My mind from that night blacks out a lot and there are large portions that I simply can't remember. So I vaguely realised I was having sex with blue shirt guy. The next thing I'm alone in the alleyway not knowing where I am. So I tried to walk back to my friend's house - bear in mind I was drunk and had only arrived in the city 6 hours ago - I had no idea where I was. I remember looking in a shop door and there was a treeplant on the other side of the glass (random information I know but I'm going through everything in my head).

The next thing I remember is walking up a sloped street with a group of guys, around half of them were East Asian (again, random info). We were all in good spirits. Next I remember being in a park with some guy I didn't know and he was holding my hand and kissing me while we were sat on a wall. I remember getting up and trying to keep walking on but he was still holding my hand so I was sort of dragging him.

Then I black out and and this is were it gets bad. I think I was unconscious for a while because I felt as though I was waking up, and this guy was on top of me. At the time I didn't recognise him and I completely freaked out and asked him to stop which he didn't. I started to cry and I kept trying to tell him to stop but no words were coming out, I was just mouthing them. I couldn't move my body I was paralysed with fear. I blacked out again and the next thing I remember a taxi driver was walking with me in a hospital corridor. I don't know if he found me in the park or I got in his taxi but he took me to the hospital.

I was in a right state, in hysterics and I kept asking for my friend - later on I discovered her flat was right beside the hospital - I think I was confused and thought she lived at the hospital! I walked away from the hospital staff and found my friend's block of flats, nobody answered my banging on the door so I fell asleep in the stairwell outside her door.

In the morning I didn't remember any of the above: my night was just blanked out. I couldn't move my body or speak for what felt like hours, I could hear my friend on the other side of the door panicking wondering where I was. I eventually got up and realised my phone and purse were missing - I have no idea where they went or who took them. Inside my friend's flat she wanted to speak to me but I locked myself in her room and went through the contents of my bag, and discovered a condom was missing. At this stage I had no memory of the night before so I freaked out wondering what the hell had happened.

Throughout day my memories came back in bits and pieces, they were very hazy and non-chronological. I felt better throughout the day and I remembered having sex with blue shirt guy and the guy in the park, I was laughing with friends about how I slept with two guys in one night but I knew something wasn't right, every time I thought of the guy in the park I felt sick.

2 nights later we went out again and during the night my friend grabbed my arm as I was walking away and I got a flashback to the night with the guy in the park and I remembered him holding me down and forcing himself on me. I got really distressed remembering this in the middle of the nightclub so I ran to the toilets and locked myself in a cubicle. I was in a really really bad state, I was screaming and scratching my arms, my mind was filled with the horrible memories. My friend thought I was extremely drunk but she eventually coaxed me out from the cubicle and took me straight back to hers. I felt numb, I could hear people talking around me but I hadn't idea what they were saying. I refused to tell my friend why I was so upset and I left the next day. The whole journey I was in a state of shock and I kept crying. I don't even remember walking from the city centre to my house.

I lived in a house share in Liverpool with two people I didn't really know - we were all very quiet and kept to ourselves. I went to my room and stayed there for 3 days. I didn't answer my phone, I didn't wash, I couldn't eat. I eventually Skyped my friend but avoided looking at the screen because I was so ashamed. I finally told her that I'd been attacked and the next day she got a train down to stay with me for a few days.

I didn't go back to uni after that, I couldn't look after myself let alone manage a degree so I quit uni and moved back home with my parents. They didn't know what happened to me and I told everyone I didn't enjoy my uni course. I became very depressed and angry, I would scream, slam doors, blast music and drink alone in my room. I distanced myself from my friends, I couldn't understand why they would want to be friends with such a horrible person like myself. I would go out to get blind drunk so I could forget. This worked for a while until I drank myself over the edge and was having meltdowns on nights out. I couldn't be surrounded by strangers without being drunk and in a club if a guy accidentally brushed against me I would run and hide in the toilets. I suffered from flashbacks, panic attacks and nightmares.

I joined a college course which I really enjoyed but my confidence was shot to pieces, I'd always been shy but now I couldn't speak in front of new people. I was a loner at college, I would spend any free time in the library where I also ate my lunch. I did really well on the course and got a job out of it which I'm still in. Working gave me something to focus on and I would take all the extra shifts I could. When I was at work I appeared happy and friendly but at home I was a mess. The first time I had sex after being attacked was 5 months later with an ex. My friend advised me not to do it but I went anyway, I lived sex and thought it would make me feel normal again. I felt numb the whole time and cried afterwards.

I wish I could go back to being the happy carefree girl I was before but I don't think that will ever happen. I'm in an okay place at the moment. I haven't had a boyfriend since, I have trouble letting guys get too personal with me, but I have taken to casual sex with guys I meet on dating websites. I just wish I would feel normal. I know this has been long winded but I feel so confused right now.

[Bene]

I'm so sorry

Hello Rk29,

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you, my heart breaks for you.
I'm a survivor of a rape it happened. 2 years ago this coming December 9th)
What I've learned is that it doesn't matter whether it happened, yesterday, or 20 years ago. Recovery is a slow process, it's a journey not a destination!! So please don't beat yourself up that now your getting flashbacks and your reminded of what happened. I know it sound so cliche but it does honestly get better. But you have a choice to either allow this monster another 4 years of your life or take back your life. Take control of your life. Honey, you can and will go back to who you were before, you have to literally fight, and find that girl again!! She's still there!! Give your self time!! Get counselling, pray or do whatever helps you feel better.

2/3 weeks ago I was the most angriest girl on the earth, back in august, the police told me that they where we're not taking my case any further due to lack of evidence. My world fell apart. It wax the biggest kick in the teeth for me. I felt like a loser and he had won. It's the biggest injustice, to know that the man who raped you is walking free and there's nothing you can do about it.
I honestly hated it!! I wanted to kill him! If I knew where he lived and had a gun please lord forgive me) but I would of killed him for all the spin and he'll he caused. If only they knew the damage they do to their victims and how they make us feel)

How scared, the despair, the sense of helpless) the void they leave in our life. I even stupidly seat him a death threat I was so angry with him.

But than 2/3 weeks ago I came to the conclusion that, I'm tired of being tired, tired of being helpless) tired of hating him, tired of carting this burden everywhere. Tired of wanting to end my life.
I did something about it. Took control of my life, and took care of myself. I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ, and honestly, I feel a billion times better, I don't know if your religious. But god has set me free, given my joy peace purpose, I no longer feel depressed, no longer have hate, hurt no longer cry myself to sleep. I'm at such a peace that I no longer hate my rapist, but I pray for him, I pray that he has peace. God will avenge me, I don't pray him harm, it's wired I know but I have honestly on the road to forgiveness! Not just forgiving him but forgiving myself too. I'm so much happy and that burden has lifted up. If I can overcome this you can too!!
I'll pray that god gives you peace and helps you through this time.

Just know that, your a winner, a survivor, 4 years later your here your standing strong!!! Yes you will have your weak moments and crab days even I get that!! But look to the future!! Missy! You started your college course! Your getting your life back! Don't allow him to win!!


Please don't!!



May god bless you, I pray that he heals your wounds and gives you strength.

You can and will overcome this
Xx

[AmandaF]

What an appalling story.

It sounds as though there may be some kind of date rape drug used here, which would mean there was a possible element of planning- that's pretty dreadful and my concern would be that you weren't the only victim;

All power to you for doing your best to move forwards to a better place but I wonder with the flashbacks happening now you would benefit from some kind of talking therapy. Please consider this as the right support may help somewhat.

Although i didn't join this forum from the same aspect as you, it would appear that those suffering injustice in its many forms experience similar emotions and frustrations.

i worry that the rise in false allegations of sexual crime stop GENUINE victims from reporting.

I hope all goes well for you in the future

[Bene]

Thank you Amanda!!! That was very nice of you.


May god bless you and gives you peace.
X

[Stayingstrong]

Dear RK

I have just read your story, and I am so sorry for you.

You are in a very dark place currently, and personally I feel you need to talk to close friends, or a professional.

I am not from the same side as you - But from a false accusation of rape against the love of my life. It wasn't until I found this forum, I really found out about the horrid events that happen, both to genuine rape victims, and also those who are innocent.

The entire system needs shaking up, but I am not sure what can be done.

Go and talk to someone, get it out of your system, slowly and surely you will eventually feel better.

Try and look after yourself physically as well (ie eat as best you can, and try not to drink too much of the old booze)

Take care

[jittery]

hi

I was raped 4 and a half years ago and for the most part I've moved on from it. However recently things have been stirred up again and I can feel myself slipping into old habits: being unsociable, moody, not taking care of myself, not eating properly and crawling in bed as soon as I get home. I don't care if anyone reads this or not, but I feel like I should write this down and get it out of my system.

When I was 19 I visited my best friend who was at uni in a city I'd never been to before and I went out for the night with my friend and her housemate. We were all ridiculously drunk and the last clear memory I have is doing a shot at the bar.

My memories from then on get a bit hazy and it's hard to describe but some of the stuff I remember happening as I was there, and other things I couldn't remember for 2 days. I don't really shed myself in the best light in the next part. After the bar I completely black out - I have no memory until I find myself in an alleyway having sex with a guy - all I remember about him was he had black hair and a blue checked shirt. I have no idea where I met this guy but I don't feel any guilt over that sex so I assume it was consensual.

My mind from that night blacks out a lot and there are large portions that I simply can't remember. So I vaguely realised I was having sex with blue shirt guy. The next thing I'm alone in the alleyway not knowing where I am. So I tried to walk back to my friend's house - bear in mind I was drunk and had only arrived in the city 6 hours ago - I had no idea where I was. I remember looking in a shop door and there was a treeplant on the other side of the glass (random information I know but I'm going through everything in my head).

The next thing I remember is walking up a sloped street with a group of guys, around half of them were East Asian (again, random info). We were all in good spirits. Next I remember being in a park with some guy I didn't know and he was holding my hand and kissing me while we were sat on a wall. I remember getting up and trying to keep walking on but he was still holding my hand so I was sort of dragging him.

Then I black out and and this is were it gets bad. I think I was unconscious for a while because I felt as though I was waking up, and this guy was on top of me. At the time I didn't recognise him and I completely freaked out and asked him to stop which he didn't. I started to cry and I kept trying to tell him to stop but no words were coming out, I was just mouthing them. I couldn't move my body I was paralysed with fear. I blacked out again and the next thing I remember a taxi driver was walking with me in a hospital corridor. I don't know if he found me in the park or I got in his taxi but he took me to the hospital.

I was in a right state, in hysterics and I kept asking for my friend - later on I discovered her flat was right beside the hospital - I think I was confused and thought she lived at the hospital! I walked away from the hospital staff and found my friend's block of flats, nobody answered my banging on the door so I fell asleep in the stairwell outside her door.

In the morning I didn't remember any of the above: my night was just blanked out. I couldn't move my body or speak for what felt like hours, I could hear my friend on the other side of the door panicking wondering where I was. I eventually got up and realised my phone and purse were missing - I have no idea where they went or who took them. Inside my friend's flat she wanted to speak to me but I locked myself in her room and went through the contents of my bag, and discovered a condom was missing. At this stage I had no memory of the night before so I freaked out wondering what the hell had happened.

Throughout day my memories came back in bits and pieces, they were very hazy and non-chronological. I felt better throughout the day and I remembered having sex with blue shirt guy and the guy in the park, I was laughing with friends about how I slept with two guys in one night but I knew something wasn't right, every time I thought of the guy in the park I felt sick.

2 nights later we went out again and during the night my friend grabbed my arm as I was walking away and I got a flashback to the night with the guy in the park and I remembered him holding me down and forcing himself on me. I got really distressed remembering this in the middle of the nightclub so I ran to the toilets and locked myself in a cubicle. I was in a really really bad state, I was screaming and scratching my arms, my mind was filled with the horrible memories. My friend thought I was extremely drunk but she eventually coaxed me out from the cubicle and took me straight back to hers. I felt numb, I could hear people talking around me but I hadn't idea what they were saying. I refused to tell my friend why I was so upset and I left the next day. The whole journey I was in a state of shock and I kept crying. I don't even remember walking from the city centre to my house.

I lived in a house share in Liverpool with two people I didn't really know - we were all very quiet and kept to ourselves. I went to my room and stayed there for 3 days. I didn't answer my phone, I didn't wash, I couldn't eat. I eventually Skyped my friend but avoided looking at the screen because I was so ashamed. I finally told her that I'd been attacked and the next day she got a train down to stay with me for a few days.

I didn't go back to uni after that, I couldn't look after myself let alone manage a degree so I quit uni and moved back home with my parents. They didn't know what happened to me and I told everyone I didn't enjoy my uni course. I became very depressed and angry, I would scream, slam doors, blast music and drink alone in my room. I distanced myself from my friends, I couldn't understand why they would want to be friends with such a horrible person like myself. I would go out to get blind drunk so I could forget. This worked for a while until I drank myself over the edge and was having meltdowns on nights out. I couldn't be surrounded by strangers without being drunk and in a club if a guy accidentally brushed against me I would run and hide in the toilets. I suffered from flashbacks, panic attacks and nightmares.

I joined a college course which I really enjoyed but my confidence was shot to pieces, I'd always been shy but now I couldn't speak in front of new people. I was a loner at college, I would spend any free time in the library where I also ate my lunch. I did really well on the course and got a job out of it which I'm still in. Working gave me something to focus on and I would take all the extra shifts I could. When I was at work I appeared happy and friendly but at home I was a mess. The first time I had sex after being attacked was 5 months later with an ex. My friend advised me not to do it but I went anyway, I lived sex and thought it would make me feel normal again. I felt numb the whole time and cried afterwards.

I wish I could go back to being the happy carefree girl I was before but I don't think that will ever happen. I'm in an okay place at the moment. I haven't had a boyfriend since, I have trouble letting guys get too personal with me, but I have taken to casual sex with guys I meet on dating websites. I just wish I would feel normal. I know this has been long winded but I feel so confused right now.

Well you've done well to come on this forum and tell your story- must've taken courage.

I'm wondering too if you may not've had a drink spiked. If you were separated from your friends and someone got you a drink thinking they might get somewhere with you I think it's a possibility.

You seem to me like a strong person, probably stronger than you realise to have got so many areas of your life back under control and to get the freedom you've now achieved. Give yourself a pat on the back for that, I will!

What's normal? You've had a life changing experience, a very nasty one unfortunately, doesn't mean you're abnormal.

If you are confused and want someone to talk to don't feel diminished. You've done yourself proud sorting yourself out thus far!

Good luck with whatever descisions you make!