Reclaiming my sexuality...help?

[Chickpea]

Hi all. I was raped six months ago as I walked home from a bar at nighttime. He was a stranger who I assume followed me out of the bar, and he pulled me into an alley way and raped me until I eventually passed out. When I woke up he was gone. After refusing to process the event for a few days, I eventually called up my boyfriend and told him. He has been remarkably supportive throughout, even when it turned out I had been given an std from the rapist. I managed to complete my masters thesis, and now I'm back in my home country ready to begin the next phase of my life. I'm coping okay, it goes up and down as I'm sure it does for most people who have experienced sexual abuse. I haven't sought counselling as of yet, but I haven't truly felt the need to. The problem with me is that I usually switch things off in my mind and let my body do the coping. I've developed some very interesting bodily twitches - repurcussions of anxiety I assume. And the one place where I really haven't been able to control my body is when it comes to sex. I feel like all sexual feelings within my body have been switched off. I don't find my boyfriend sexually appealing anymore, and nor do I think about anything in a sexual way. I wish more than anything to be able to get that sexual charge back. It was an important part of my identity and my relationship, and I don't quite feel like the whole me without it. My boyfriend has never ever applied pressure to have sex. However it is important to me that I keep trying. But I just end up freezing up and feeling extremely disassociated from myself and from him, and it is extremely frustrating to me. Such feelings of disassociation end up seeping into everyday life to the extent that I'm not really sure who I am anymore. Sexuality might only be an element of my life, but it seems to have effected all of me. And Im not really sure how to go about healing, or reclaiming my sexuality. Has anyone out there been through a similar experience and managed to feel like a sexual person again? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Bene]

Hi all. I was raped six months ago as I walked home from a bar at nighttime. He was a stranger who I assume followed me out of the bar, and he pulled me into an alley way and raped me until I eventually passed out. When I woke up he was gone. After refusing to process the event for a few days, I eventually called up my boyfriend and told him. He has been remarkably supportive throughout, even when it turned out I had been given an std from the rapist. I managed to complete my masters thesis, and now I'm back in my home country ready to begin the next phase of my life. I'm coping okay, it goes up and down as I'm sure it does for most people who have experienced sexual abuse. I haven't sought counselling as of yet, but I haven't truly felt the need to. The problem with me is that I usually switch things off in my mind and let my body do the coping. I've developed some very interesting bodily twitches - repurcussions of anxiety I assume. And the one place where I really haven't been able to control my body is when it comes to sex. I feel like all sexual feelings within my body have been switched off. I don't find my boyfriend sexually appealing anymore, and nor do I think about anything in a sexual way. I wish more than anything to be able to get that sexual charge back. It was an important part of my identity and my relationship, and I don't quite feel like the whole me without it. My boyfriend has never ever applied pressure to have sex. However it is important to me that I keep trying. But I just end up freezing up and feeling extremely disassociated from myself and from him, and it is extremely frustrating to me. Such feelings of disassociation end up seeping into everyday life to the extent that I'm not really sure who I am anymore. Sexuality might only be an element of my life, but it seems to have effected all of me. And Im not really sure how to go about healing, or reclaiming my sexuality. Has anyone out there been through a similar experience and managed to feel like a sexual person again? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hello chick pea. Sorry if I spelt your name wrong.
Firstly I'm so so very sorry about what happened to you!! And I want to congratulate you on how amazing well you did in your studies considering the horrible experience you suffered. Myself a rape survivor) can tell you this the brain reacts to trauma in different ways. You did what you did at that moment to survive. Don't ever blame yourself!!!
I would also like to add that you are on the wrong forum room) . As most people in here have been falsely accused and hence why no one replied to your post which is a shame! As you deserves support too!
My advice would have been to get medical assisment straight away. However I gather that some time has past since the rape and you also contracted an sti from your attacker! I'm very sorry about that!!
At least you have your amazing boyfriend who is very supportive cherish him) so whatever insecurities your having about not being appealing to him. You should talk to him. He seems very understanding! Please give your body time to heal) it's been nearly 2 years since my rape and I still don't want to have sex with any guy. You will get there when your emotionally and spiritually ready. Give yourself time!!


I would strongly although this is totally your choice) but to report the rape. It's never too late to report it. And reporting my attack has helped me in my healing process. Nearly 2 years down the line I gathered enough courage to report my rape. Honestly ( The waiting has been angony as my case it's early stages and I'm still awaiting the outcome. But it has been the best decision I ever made. Honestly! This monster is out there) with a disease and his brutally raping young women. He needs to get caught before he does this again!! Please think about it) it may not seem like it) but you could be saving many women by reporting this!! This is totally your call!

Counselling was a great help for me) you souls at least consider it) it may help you too!!
What I find most helping id writing) I keep a daily diary and I express my thoughts, feelings and fears!!
It may help you as well
And lastly)
Everyone wants the get fix) but let me tell you there is no quick fix in the dealing with trauma of being raped. There is no timeline, or an expiry date to healing. Recovery is a journey and not a destination. As much as you try to block it out of your head. Pretend it never happened. As long as you do that my love, you will never truly move on. The first step of healing is acklowgment) acknloeging that you were raped. And really dealing with all the ugly emotions that comes with that, everyday. It sounds crazy I know. But I've been dealing with that happened to me only properly in the last year) I was in denial( a part of me still is I guess. But I'm slowly getting there. Forgive yourself! Let goes of all the why me, if only I did this or did that) You will never know why) the answer is not in why But you will find it the journey).
It's okay to have down days. I have them. It's okay to be angry) it's even okay to hate the world for a little bit. But you get up and keep fighting. I'm truly healing every day) more than the last. You will to)


I hope I've been some help to you)
Take care

[Bene]

I didn't touch on the last part of your post about your sexuality identity.


Give yourself some time) from my understanding sex is attached to emotions and your probably not emotionally ready after such trauma. Our bodies and mind reacts differently! Our sexual identity only makes up a small part of who we are as human beings.
This experience may help you to search a little deeper and find out things about yourself that you didn't know before. Always find a positive!!

Hope I was some help to you

[Chickpea]

I didn't touch on the last part of your
post about your sexuality identity.


Give yourself some time) from my understanding sex is attached to emotions and your probably not emotionally ready after such trauma. Our bodies and mind reacts differently! Our sexual identity only makes up a small part of who we are as human beings.
This experience may help you to search a little deeper and find out things about yourself that you didn't know before. Always find a positive!!

Hope I was some help to you

Hi Bene. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply with such honesty and concern. It's very reassuring just to hear that all the feelings I'm feeling are totally ok. I really like your suggestion to try writing. I used to write a lot before the attack, but for some reason let it slip away from me after that. I think I'll try and pick it up again thank you for the suggestion.
I have thought a lot about reporting. I just couldn't bring myself to do it at the time. Slowly I may be finding the courage.
I also really like your suggestion to think about recovery as a journey, not a destination. I often find myself beating frustrated with myself for not being 'back to nornal' yet, when really I should be accepting that 'normal' might not be the answer for me. Maybe its time to stop trying to get back the before version of me and start exploring and learning to love what I'm like now.
Also thank you for letting me know I'm on the wrong thread. I didn't realise. And I very much appreciate your reply. It really does help.
I wish you all the best with your journey as well. You sound like you've come to terms with not getting the quick fix, and your experiences with that can help so many people going through the same thing. So thanks for sharing.