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Idecided to come here today and tell my story as hopefully talking will help me process some of the feelings.
Seven years ago I went out for a night with friends as the night wore on only 2 of us were left out in a local nightclub. This is where my memory of the night ends. I woke up the next day in my bed fully clothed with no memory of getting home leaving the club or anything. Assuming I'd just drunk way too much I started to remove my clothes planning to jump in the shower. As I pulled down my jeans I noticed my underwear was missing and bruises on my inner thighs. Then I noticed the sensation id had sex, rough sex I was very sore. I started racing through my memory desperately trying to remember how much I'd been drinking who I left with had I had sex and forgot. I tried to ring my friend who wasn't answering her phone at this point I started to panic what the hell had happened. I threw my clothes in a bag pulled on some clean stuff and went round my friends after lots of banging on the door she came down and had similar injuries and feelings to mine her underwear was also missing. Our first thoughts were we had both partied hard and completely forgotten everything, we were very concerned about unsafe sex and went to the hospital. I was feeling very dirty and very ashamed and just couldn't explain no memory at all for either us it seemed to cut of at almost the same point and both of us trying to work out how much we had been drinking. The voice in the back of my head kept prodding you have been raped I was continuing to try and ignore it. At the hospital a nurse encouraged us to report it to the police my friend declined and went home. I went and took part in the exam was interviewed et I went home and waited for what felt like weeks tried to continue with my life took my son to school went to work in a daze. My friend was refusing to acknowledge what may have happened to us and dismissed it as we got drunk and did stuff end of we argued a lot about this. I was then contacted by the police who told me they found 4 different DNA samples inside and on me. The samples didn't match with any in records, CCTV showed us leaving the club together but alone with no obvious followers. I tried to put in the back of my head and for the most part succeded. I gradually rebuilt my confidence and started going out again and even got promoted at work.
For some reason after 3 years off blocking it all out I started to suffer I became scared to go out by myself started to suspect everyone around me as being the possible people who did it. Started to question everything in my mind again how did we both get home was it someone I knew someone she knew. I tried to discuss with my friend again who still refused to accept what may have happened to us. She wouldn't discuss it at all and what little of our friendship was left disintegrated completely I couldn't accept her way of dealing with it and became angry and distrustful of her and even accused her of knowing what happened and covering up for someone. I became more and more scared of going out constantly ringing into work sick, when in did go to work I was convinced people knew about it and were talking about it blaming me. I got so depressed I started taking even more time off work not even ringing in sick any more. I obviously got sacked after a few months of this behaviour declining to explain my behaviour. After a few months of hiding I forced myself to the gp and got help with the depression I didn't tell the doctor what had kicked it all off something which looking back I regret now, as the help I would have received would have been different. I moved to a different country as I couldn't cope with the constant fear of not knowing who I was sitting next to. I go home to visit family but rarely go out with friends when there as I still get those feelings. Being in a different country it has taken time to start looking at depression and my feelings over what happened. The space has given me the ability to recover from depression and start to talk about what happened. This is my first step telling my story since I was interviewed by the police all those years ago. I am hoping to find the strength to tell my local gp and start yo seek counselling, something I should have done 7 years ago.
Seven years ago I went out for a night with friends as the night wore on only 2 of us were left out in a local nightclub. This is where my memory of the night ends. I woke up the next day in my bed fully clothed with no memory of getting home leaving the club or anything. Assuming I'd just drunk way too much I started to remove my clothes planning to jump in the shower. As I pulled down my jeans I noticed my underwear was missing and bruises on my inner thighs. Then I noticed the sensation id had sex, rough sex I was very sore. I started racing through my memory desperately trying to remember how much I'd been drinking who I left with had I had sex and forgot. I tried to ring my friend who wasn't answering her phone at this point I started to panic what the hell had happened. I threw my clothes in a bag pulled on some clean stuff and went round my friends after lots of banging on the door she came down and had similar injuries and feelings to mine her underwear was also missing. Our first thoughts were we had both partied hard and completely forgotten everything, we were very concerned about unsafe sex and went to the hospital. I was feeling very dirty and very ashamed and just couldn't explain no memory at all for either us it seemed to cut of at almost the same point and both of us trying to work out how much we had been drinking. The voice in the back of my head kept prodding you have been raped I was continuing to try and ignore it. At the hospital a nurse encouraged us to report it to the police my friend declined and went home. I went and took part in the exam was interviewed et I went home and waited for what felt like weeks tried to continue with my life took my son to school went to work in a daze. My friend was refusing to acknowledge what may have happened to us and dismissed it as we got drunk and did stuff end of we argued a lot about this. I was then contacted by the police who told me they found 4 different DNA samples inside and on me. The samples didn't match with any in records, CCTV showed us leaving the club together but alone with no obvious followers. I tried to put in the back of my head and for the most part succeded. I gradually rebuilt my confidence and started going out again and even got promoted at work.
For some reason after 3 years off blocking it all out I started to suffer I became scared to go out by myself started to suspect everyone around me as being the possible people who did it. Started to question everything in my mind again how did we both get home was it someone I knew someone she knew. I tried to discuss with my friend again who still refused to accept what may have happened to us. She wouldn't discuss it at all and what little of our friendship was left disintegrated completely I couldn't accept her way of dealing with it and became angry and distrustful of her and even accused her of knowing what happened and covering up for someone. I became more and more scared of going out constantly ringing into work sick, when in did go to work I was convinced people knew about it and were talking about it blaming me. I got so depressed I started taking even more time off work not even ringing in sick any more. I obviously got sacked after a few months of this behaviour declining to explain my behaviour. After a few months of hiding I forced myself to the gp and got help with the depression I didn't tell the doctor what had kicked it all off something which looking back I regret now, as the help I would have received would have been different. I moved to a different country as I couldn't cope with the constant fear of not knowing who I was sitting next to. I go home to visit family but rarely go out with friends when there as I still get those feelings. Being in a different country it has taken time to start looking at depression and my feelings over what happened. The space has given me the ability to recover from depression and start to talk about what happened. This is my first step telling my story since I was interviewed by the police all those years ago. I am hoping to find the strength to tell my local gp and start yo seek counselling, something I should have done 7 years ago.
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