Ex Girlfriend got raped; how do I help her?

[Antman1998]

I have never spoken on a forum before so bare with me please. Me and my ex broke up about a week ago. I thought it was a mutual decision but recently she wanted me back where i had to tell her no. Last night she went out to meet this guy (who I hate) to get drunk, we live in a rural area. She rung me later in the night and told me she did something stupid. she told me that she had sex with him, then it progressed to her telling me he hurt her and she didn't want it and was to scared of him hurting her and finally her admitting he raped her. I wanted her to ring the police but she didnt want to. I know the guy and i cant stop thinking about the whole thing.

I want to help her as I care deeply for her (still have feelings for her but just dont want a relationship any more) I booked a visit with a counsellor at a drop in centre for next monday. I cant stop thinking about him doing this to her, i also cant help but thinking is she just saying he raped her so i wouldnt be angry with her? i know that makes me sound like a jerk but i cant help think it. I am only 17 and there is only so much I can deal with.

I just need some advise and want to know what you people think about it all, hope to hear from you soon,

Kind regards,

Antman1998

[Rights Fighter]

Girls and women often make false allegations of rape immediately after a relationship is over and the ex doesn't want them back. We've seen it happen on here from members stories and also many in the media where the complainant has eventually told the truth saying that she thought the ex would take her back if she said she was raped - a kind of emotional blackmail along the lines of "you dumped me and I 'got raped'". These false allegations do happen and they happen far too often.

However, we do not know if that has happened here. We were not there and only she and the guy know the full story. It is entirely possible that this really did happen, of course and in that case she will need a lot of support - but, dare I say it, not from you

You need to sit her down and see what she says. You know her better than any of us and may well know when she is telling the truth or lying for sympathy or attention, or both.

If you still believe her then the next step is the local SARN unit (rape crisis). Better she goes with a female friend and does not involve you any further, otherwise you may well find that she becomes entirely dependant on you, and as the relationship is over, this could cause you serious problems later on down the line and neither of you will be able to move on.

She really does need a very good female friend and also a female family member to help her through it.

I wish you you the best of luck and I am sorry that you have been put in this situation as at 17, you are too young to be shouldering this sort of responsibility

[Feeling Low]

that said, i dont believe antman should talk to the guy about it, as stated, he doesn't like the guy, and having already been told directly by his ex girlfriend (eventually) that she was, his frame of mind wouldn't be in the right place.

there was another part of the message, which states 'i also cant help but thinking is she just saying he raped her so i wouldnt be angry with her? i know that makes me sound like a jerk but i cant help think it'

perhaps this is another way forward, as opposed to confronting the guy about it, perhaps when she is ready to talk about it again, ask her questions that will tally up with what she has already said, if she questions it, just say your getting it right in your own head so you can help her. that way your not disbelieving her, and your not lieing to her either, (it's not completly truthful either, but it is a delicate matter)

I agree with what others have said, at 17 you are too young to be carrying this burden alone, if at all, I understand that you want to be there for her throughout this, but you should at the very least have her family or a close female friend take the lead, the fact she isn't suffering alone is a huge step, and whether she tells them or you do I dont think would make much difference, your not going behind her back, your doing it for her own sake, her own well being.

However you decide to proceed, be patient with her, and take a softly softly approach.

You know the guy by the sounds of it, you'll know sort of how he may react to a accusation like this, don't put yourself in harms way.

I hope I have managed to come across as neutral as possible, and I hope I haven't over stepped any boundary's.

Amanda, as you said the police are biased in these sort of investiagtions, they are there to prove the guilt of a suspect, not there innocence, investigations would proberly take a whole lot longer if both was to be investigated.

[Feeling Low]

I'm going to go out on a limb here, as your 17, i'm guessing your ex girlfriend is around that age to, if your still at school/sixth form/college, would they have someone who you can approach about this?

[Rights Fighter]

As I said before; antman get her to talk with a female friend and family members. This is not your problem. You did not put a gun to her head and force her to have sex with the guy even is she did change her mind half way through. She made her choice and whatever happened is NOT your fault.

You are too young to shoulder this and you would not be abandoning her if you advise her to speak with females friends or family members.

[Casehardened]

[I've moved Antman's OP and a couple of non-controversial replies (and for the sake of fairness also omitted my own!) to a separate thread as the poor lad will not want to plough through our wrangling....though it may help him understand the serious implications of such an allegation.

Friends & members please only respond to Antman on this thread, not to each other, but please continue the interesting discussions and exchange of viewpoints on the other thread: in due course I will tidy it up and move it into the General Discussion section]

[jittery]

hi

[I've moved Antman's OP and a couple of non-controversial replies (and for the sake of fairness also omitted my own!) to a separate thread as the poor lad will not want to plough through our wrangling....though it may help him understand the serious implications of such an allegation.

Friends & members please only respond to Antman on this thread, not to each other, but please continue the interesting discussions and exchange of viewpoints on the other thread: in due course I will tidy it up and move it into the General Discussion section]

Nice move mate, fairest thing to do all round.

[Rights Fighter]

Great stuff! I like 2nd chances!

[Strugglingtomoveon]

I would disagree with other suggestions that you should tell someone from her family. I agree she needs someone other than you to support her, and you should advise her to tell a friend, but from my own experience of being raped at 17 i would have been inconsolable if someone had told my family, without my permission. They still don't know and i have my reasons for not telling them.

[lawlessone2009]

The method of approach that I would recommend here is to simplify things.

The easiest indicator of what 'may' have happened is to gather an understanding of how drunk she was.

Drink and sex don't go together very well especially not with random secluded meetings. If she was highly intoxicated then the chances are, omitting all other details, she was raped. Getting someone pissed to get the pants of them isn't very clever. Getting pissed with your long term partner and having drunk sex which later results in a claim of rape being made may be something a jury would question but they could very genuinely have a difficult time understanding the situation which you have detailed as anything other than rape.

There is a possibility that your ex had consensual sex and regretted it. She could've let you know about the sex (to encourage jealousy), judged your responses and then altered her story to suit. Generally when people genuinely believe they were raped they would come right on out and state such not go on a protracted journey of sharing pieces of information before arriving at a conclusion.

Of course, every single person is different. It is dangerous of me to attempt to conclude the situation or put it into such narrow and defined lines. You will know the lady, you should be able to arrive at your own conclusions far better than any of us. My message is merely to provide you some extre scope for questioning.