i was raped and nervous breakdown at 13 and now 16 and messedup a lot :( please help

[lanalearning]

hi my names LaNa i 'was raped when 13 by a boy at school and it gave me a nervous breakdown and now i'm almost 16 (turn 16 in week!) and since the breakdown ive been addicted to orgazming and caught by my parents doing it alot unfortunatly no locks allowed but never had sex since the attack because sex with a guy scares me a lot but have orgazms in sleepovers every friday with 2 of my best girl friends. but I still prefer men much much more and want a boyfriend but each bf has tried to take my clothes off after a while and it scares me away. but I dont understand because when I kiss a boy it arouses me and my body is wet etc but im terrified by him touching my leg or anything bare. i really want a man badly and all my fantasy is with a man. but i do let my massage therapist (man) touch my naked body once a week for hour and i dont even wear anything and he touches my bottom and legs. i find it very arouzing cos i never been able to let a bf go that far but always wanted to. its so intense my therapist says he is surprised i react so much when the wet shows on table and moans. how do i let my body feel that free with a boyfriend? im bursting to have sex with a guy its all i think about and that why i keep needing orgazms. sorry if i sound evil im always feeling like possessd by sex and other problem is i cant stop wearing the micro mini skirts cos of the big rush it gives me and sometimes remove my underwear because of the feelings it gives. my dad banned mee from cheerleading even though id done it everyyear and was my fav hobby he banned me cos i cheered with no underwear on one day and people saw. i dont know why i do these things its like a drug making me or something. I dont blame you if you ignore my problem and call me a slutwhore cos i told 2 people and they both think im trash but whatever i can't stop anything im doing so sorryI was shyest girl ever before the attack and never cared about sex I wish I didnt care about sex now Why is this happening and what can I do to solve?

[Unregistered]

You are probably feeling the need to be promiscious because it is a way to prove that sex can be normal and safe and does not have to be associated with rape. Perhaps you have not really still come to terms with what happened when you were 13. I don't want to scare you but do you not feel that it is inappropriate for your male massage therapist to touch you when you are wearing nothing , I thought that most proffesionals would want you to cover yourself except for the area they were massaging, I thought that most places would only allow this as well if you were 18. Do your parents know that you were raped? If you do decide to have sex with your boyfriend or whoever it should be for the right reasons, although it may seem like a solution now it might hurt you more in the long run because it can bring back the past that has not been dealt with. Perhaps you could talk to your parents or some friends that you could explain what happend to as sometimes talking about it may make you feel better, but rape is never your fault so you must not blame yourself, if you do manage to get the support of the people around you, your problem may seem easier to deal with.