Anniversary today

[MGR]

It's several years since I was raped. Some days I feel fine. Some days it's like there's nothing I can do that will help. I was unusual it would seem as mine was a stranger rape. The guy has never been caught.

Today the world feels like a cruel place. Accidentally I've ended up on my own this evening and, needing to talk searched for a rape forum. The first forum I found was about rape fantasies. How sick is that?

The problem I have is I don't know if this is the best I'll get now. Will I ever recover more than I have? I really don't know but now it's been so long. I think I'm going to have to admit I'm always going to have these black thoughts in my mind every day of my life. I may function on the outside but it's like some kind of emotional tumour I can't remove.

[diana_holbourn]

It's a pity you sometimes feel this bad after so long. But anniversaries can especially trigger off bad feelings.
It might help a bit if you can try to work out what's different about the better days that makes them better. What is it that enables you to cope better on some days than on others? What are you doing differently that makes your thoughts more positive? Working that out might be one way you can help yourself, because if you work out what makes the days where you feel allright better, you might be able to do more of the same things on more days so other ones don't get so bad.
Hopefully you'll find some of the advice given to others in this subforum helpful.

[MGR]

Thanks for the message of concern, it's really not like that though. Sure I have my bad days and good days but what I mean is even on a good day I can't forget about it. It's there in every single action I take. I've lived with this for a long time. I'm aware that anniversaries can trigger memories. What I'm asking for help from the forum on is not making the bad days better, I have coping mechanisms for that, it's actually making the good days better. I want to forget for 1 day. Does that make sense?

[diana_holbourn]

Tell us about your mechanisms for making bad days better. They might help other people here.
Would you say your life is fulfilling? The more fulfilling a person's life is, the easier it is for them to move on.
However, sometimes it can help to be detraumatised, and there's a way people can do that that isn't that painful called the rewind technique. It's usually done with a therapist, though it's possible to do it yourself, although it helps to have a good knowledge of relaxation techniques. You'll find some information about it, among other things, in the thread on here called "Raped".

[MGR]

Good point Diana. I think I've moved on from some very dark times. I also think I'm capable of recognising it now, not that the occasional one doesn't get me!

The thing is immediately afte my rape I was fine, I wanted to be fine and to be the best at coping with this that anyone ever could be (anyone spot my competitive streak?) It was at least 3 or 4 years before I actually started to feel ok.

I don't want to get into some discussion about what is worse because I think stranger rape and so called "date rape" are very different and both are distressing in different ways. I can't imagine how that betrayal of trust feels. I can only tell you about my experiences of stranger rape. I never saw the man's face. That freaked me out for a long time. I couldn't cope with the fact that new friends, new boyfriends could have been that man. It also was distressing to get the occasional calls from the police that he'd attacked again and I could never put a face to my hatred or fear.

As I've tried to get across, I'm not "cured". I don't think anyone is really back to how they were after what I experienced and my question is to find out whether anyone else feels the same as me. It's now been so long. I'm coping but will life ever get that bit better? Ideally I want to be back to how I was but I think even the closure of convicting the man who raped me wouldn't make that possible (but there is a part of me that hopes i would.)

As I said to Diana though, I have got some coping strategies and if nothing else these may help you. First of all recognise that any stressful situation will make you feel low and that may trigger thoughts about the rape you thought you'd resolved. If you recognise that, you can do the opposite to what you want to do and start talking about it with friends, family or counsellors before it gets to the point of dispair. I've also been through hypnotherapy (referred by my GP, don't use some quack) and that helped me create a "safe place" in my mind I can think about when distressed or when I can't sleep. I found it more helpful than counselling which is incredibly variable in quality.

Anyway, I'm around if anyone wants to chat. We're a powerful bunch of women who've been through some stressful experiences. I now manage a large team of people but I like to think the experience I had makes me more approachable and more able to understand my team's problems. You're all powerful women too. Tell me about yourselves.

[bellygoddess]

hi

hi,i really feel for you that you went through such a horrific experience.I do not feel that rape in any situation is worse than in any other situation.Whatever the situation,a woman may fear for her life.My rape was not 'date rape' or 'stranger rape'.My rapist was a new neighbour who had just moved in next door.He asked to come round one night to say hello.He acted very charming (as im sure most do in that situation).I woud not say that i trusted him.It was not a 'date',i did not fancy him.After all,most people let workmen,etc into their homes without a second thought dont they? He manipulated me at a time whem i was very vulnerable,i was depressed,no confidence or self esteem,and was physically unwell at the time.I was 19,and a virgin too.He manipulated all these factors to coerce me into feeling comfortable with him being there.Then he raped me,brutally,with NO concern for my feelings or wishes.Then he left.Yes,i feared for my life,and thought at the time i was going to die.From what you've said in your posts on this thread I have some bad news for you,taken from my experience.I have had to accept that rape is something you will never forget.I also think about it everday.I dont believe that i will ever be the same person as i was before either,these things i find very hard to accept.But i feel you must do,in order to start to live again,not merely to survive,as i have been doing.Yes,i feel like you so,that i will always have it at the back of my mind everyday,and more often at the front.The hatred i feel for the man who did it,who has essentally got away with it,is so strong,i feel like if i did see him again,i woud kill him.My fear is also so strong that i often cannot leave the house,although i am better at this then i was.I cant imagine what it was like for you,not to have seen his face.That is horrific.My rapist was never caught either,and i sometimes still feel angry with myself for blocking out the attack at the time,and not being able to report it.Although i now know that this was a nechanism my body used,which i could not control.I am glad to hear that you have good coping mechanisms.Mine,as im sure you have read,are not that good at present.ocd and depression,and suicidal thoughts are not good ways of coping.Do u ever feel like the pains to much to bear? i do often,and its really difficult to deal with that.I also get insomnia,at one stage,i thought i was having a nervous breakdown...