Can Someone Please Help Me?!

[bellygoddess]

Hi,i am having so many problems at the moment i feel like im going mad.My story is written here under the thread 'rape',name 'sara',so i wont go into it again here.I joined this site about may this year,and have had brilliant support from diana holbourn,and a couple of other people who responded to my posts.But for the last few months ive been feeling really isolated.I understand that diana told me that she couldnt post so often,since the site moved,but im wondering if there is anybody out there like me,who wants to talk about their experiences,or to give each other support.id love ot find someone to write letters to aswell.I feel so desperate sometimes,that,although i dont want to die,i want the pain to stop.I am having telephone counselling,as the nearest rape centre is too far for me to go to.But i also have many other related problems,obsessive compulsive symptoms,feeling numb,and i think i have mild manic depression,as i have mood swings into mild mania,and then feeling numb.Im not sure if i have post traumatic stress too,as although i feel ive made progress in trying to deal with my rape,somtimes the feelings are as strong as ever.is there anyone out there like me? my counsellor is using cbt with me,(or trying to!),but im not sure its working yet.im worried about my manic periods,as they seem to b getting worse,and i feel like i live in a whirlwind,up and excited one minute,and numb the next.i keep having so many arguements with my friends and family,and getting irritable with them,and being paranoid that they do not mean what they say etc,im driving them mad too! my parents dont know about the rape,and the pressure of keeping it from them is sometimes too much for me to bear,although i cant see ma ever talling them,as i dont think theyd understand.i thought id got over blaming myself for the rape,but the last few weeks,ive keep saying to mayself that ive made a mess of everything,and get overwhelmed by what happened to me,because my partner died 6 years ago,who told me he was dying of cancer,then had a brain haemorrage while having sex with another woman.Then i discovered i was gay,them had my daughter as a single parent (i was pregnant when he died).Then 5 months ago the rape memories came up in counselling about my dead partner.Since then ive had agoraphobia,ocd,depression,completely lost who i was and my trust in people i know and dont know,and worsening manic depression symptoms.can somone plese help me?!

[diana_holbourn]

You could try joining Snoopy's MSN group. You might get some support there:
http://groups.msn.com/abcvictimsbreakfree/
Sometimes relaxation techniques can help calm people down when they're feeling a bit manic, and also soothe them when they're feeling depressed. Have you been doing any good ones lately?
If you think the counselling at your college actually made you worse, it might be worth complaining to them, since other people might have the same type of counselling there that might make them worse as well.

[MGR]

I can't understand what you went through, I was raped by a stranger and can remember every detail. I can't imagine how it must feel to have known your attacker and to have blocked it out.

I can't claim to be "over" my rape. I'm unsure if anyone does "get over it" but I've got to a point where I'm coping now even if I think about it daily. I've had counselling and hypnotherapy to get to this point along with supportive family and friends and I'm still trying to improve even more. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. You can get better too.

[bellygoddess]

hi

hi,thanks for your post.Yes,i did block things out for nine years until 6 months ago,but like you,i do now remember all of what happened.I really feel for you,keep strong! I hope that i one day start to feel better too...

[suellen]

You have to respect your own right to feel like sh*t, it sounds to me like you've put up a mental block that's now crumbling. I also think you should tell your family, you need to stop feeling like you've done something wrong or shamefull, somebody did this to you, you didn't deserve it, what you do deserve is support from your loved ones and they deserve the opportunity to be there for you at last. I am a stronger person because of my experiences but I will never forget them. If you need people to listen, sadly there are many of us out there with similar experiences who are always willing to talk. You have to talk, talk and talk again, you've got to start clearing all the sh*t that's been building up behind your mental block for years and hopefully even though you wont forget, you may be able to come to terms with things. Working though your problems will make you the most wonderfull role model to your daughter (although I'm sure you're great already). Stick with the counselling, I know it's painfull, but remember this is nine years of feelings that have been bottled up. There is light at the end of the tunnel and things can get back to normal (whatever that may be) Good luck.