Tweet
Hi. I'm sorry it's long, but if you please read it it will help my sanity a lot. I know this is a strange question and might cause anger from some people, but I don't know. So I am asking if I was raped or not on two occasions. Part of me is ashamed. Strike that I am ashamed. I haven't told anyone exactly what happened on either occasion.
Please don't judge me. I do that enough myself. If it wasn't rape, please just say it wasn't and leave me be.
The first time was when I was 16. I had dated a guy, but since broken up with him because I found out he was doing meth and had slipped some into some weed I had smoked. I was at a party at a friend's house and got pretty drunk. He showed up. My friend said I could sleep it off in her bed. Everybody else went into the living room and turned the music on loud while I went to bed. He came in and pulled off his pants and shoes and got into the bed with me. I said no he would have to go sleep somewhere else. He said that the friend said to sleep in here or something and I said fine just sleep on the other side of the bed. I was really drunk and just wanted to sleep. I was pretty close to passing out I think. Soon enough he started trying to touch me on my breast and down there. I pulled his hand away multiple times and said no every time. He kept saying we had done it before so it didn't matter. I tried to scoot to the very edge of the bed, and then he was on top of me. I struggled for a while and said no. He choked me a bit. I had a bit of a bruise but not much. It was enough to scare me. I think I tried to yell for my friend a few times, but I don't really remember. I think he slapped me a bit. Hard enough to sting and leave a mark. he bit hard enough to draw blood. It's kind of hazy. The alcohol or something. I just remember him being really rough and pulling at my clothes. I was wearing a romper so it was a shirt and shorts together and tights underneath. He told me to take them off. This is where I feel really ashamed. I was both scared he would be rougher and bruise me more than he had. But I was also turned on. So I took them off. I said no a few more times, but he didn't care. We had sex. He was really rough. I bled for days. But I had also been turned on. I had been with him before and he knew what to do to turn me on. I cried after and he fell asleep next to me. I am crying now remembering. I feel so guilty. It took me a long time to remember what I do now, and even now I don't think I remember everything. The one person I told some of it to thought I was lying. A few months later he threatened a guy he thought I was sleeping with at knifepoint and said I was his. A few days later he broke into his new girlfriend's house high on meth and beat her and her sister. He went to jail and is now a registered sex offender. That's all I know about it.
The second guy was on my second night of freshman year at university. I met him the first night at a party some new girl friends and I had been invited to at the lacrosse house. This one girl I met that day got really, really drunk and sat down next to me. She passed out a few minutes later and I was starting to get worried when I heard a beeping. I lifted her shirt a bit to see an insulin pump. Long story short-she woke up enough to tell me how to work it and I got it down to a good number. She begged me not to call 911 and was conscious so I was trying to find her a way tot he dorms. I had been talking to him for a while and asked him to help me get her home. He said I owed him big time and agreed- she was a big girl and there was no way I was carrying her all the way back so he carried her while I kept her talking. Later he invited me and a few others to a party the next night at his house he was renting with one of his teammates-they were co-captains of the lacrosse team. I took care of her that night and 4 of us girls went the next day. I liked him and thought he was nice and cute. So did my girl friends. That night we got drunk at their house. He talked with me all night, and then asked if I wanted some weed. I said yeah and he led me into what I discovered to be his room. I should have realized what he was doing, but I just thought he didn't want to share with everybody else. He packed a bowl and I sat on the bed. I smoked, but he said he didn't want any so I was the only one smoking. Half way through the bowl- I'm usually a heavyweight but with just like 5 hits I was completely high- I had to lie down on the bed. I apologized and said I was really high, and then suddenly he was on top of me. I said no and tried to push him off a bunch of times. He just kept on saying I was really pretty and how much he liked me and stuff. I kept saying no and trying to push him off, but he was a lot bigger than me and a lot stronger. Plus I could barely move. He pulled my top off and started touching me and I remember being really really scared and yelling louder and louder. I remember thinking about the first guy and how he had hurt me and choked me. So I stopped struggling and just said no. Someone came in and asked for the bong, and I asked for help. He just left and turned the music on lauder. He had sex with me. After a while I started to like it so I stopped saying no. Here's where I can barely type this I'm so ashamed. I hate myself for this and think I'm probably one of the biggest sluts in the world, but I sucked him a bit, too. I don't even know if it was because I wanted to or if I was scared, or even if I just wanted him to like me and I was a new girl and he was this popular athlete. I was a slut. I even stayed the night voluntarily and had sex with him again when he wanted to. He drove me back to the dorms in the morning and I acted like it was totally normal. But whenever I saw him for the next two years of school, I would avoid him. he worked int he library, and I wouldn't even go in at all for the rest of my freshman year because I didn't want to see him. I was ashamed and he reminded me of my guilt. I saw him at parties, so I stopped going to parties. I heard from other girls he was pushy. Everyone on campus knew I had sex with him, and since he was one of the most popular guys on campus they'd talk to me about it. So I stopped going to social events because it all reminded me of how much of a slut I was because I know people who have ben really raped, and I couldn't compare what happened to me to them or even tell anyone because I was such a slut I had liked it. I might have even come, I don't remember. It's hazy, too, like the first time it took me a long time to remember everything. The memory came back in little bursts, but I know it's real.
Please don't judge me. I hate myself because of it. I have depression and anxiety and panic attacks and had chronic apathy for a long time. I've been on prozac and cymbalta and a bunch of other things, but I haven't ever EVER told anyone the truth because I'm worried they'll judge me or tell other people how much of a whore I am.
Was I raped, or was it just sex?
Please don't judge me. I do that enough myself. If it wasn't rape, please just say it wasn't and leave me be.
The first time was when I was 16. I had dated a guy, but since broken up with him because I found out he was doing meth and had slipped some into some weed I had smoked. I was at a party at a friend's house and got pretty drunk. He showed up. My friend said I could sleep it off in her bed. Everybody else went into the living room and turned the music on loud while I went to bed. He came in and pulled off his pants and shoes and got into the bed with me. I said no he would have to go sleep somewhere else. He said that the friend said to sleep in here or something and I said fine just sleep on the other side of the bed. I was really drunk and just wanted to sleep. I was pretty close to passing out I think. Soon enough he started trying to touch me on my breast and down there. I pulled his hand away multiple times and said no every time. He kept saying we had done it before so it didn't matter. I tried to scoot to the very edge of the bed, and then he was on top of me. I struggled for a while and said no. He choked me a bit. I had a bit of a bruise but not much. It was enough to scare me. I think I tried to yell for my friend a few times, but I don't really remember. I think he slapped me a bit. Hard enough to sting and leave a mark. he bit hard enough to draw blood. It's kind of hazy. The alcohol or something. I just remember him being really rough and pulling at my clothes. I was wearing a romper so it was a shirt and shorts together and tights underneath. He told me to take them off. This is where I feel really ashamed. I was both scared he would be rougher and bruise me more than he had. But I was also turned on. So I took them off. I said no a few more times, but he didn't care. We had sex. He was really rough. I bled for days. But I had also been turned on. I had been with him before and he knew what to do to turn me on. I cried after and he fell asleep next to me. I am crying now remembering. I feel so guilty. It took me a long time to remember what I do now, and even now I don't think I remember everything. The one person I told some of it to thought I was lying. A few months later he threatened a guy he thought I was sleeping with at knifepoint and said I was his. A few days later he broke into his new girlfriend's house high on meth and beat her and her sister. He went to jail and is now a registered sex offender. That's all I know about it.
The second guy was on my second night of freshman year at university. I met him the first night at a party some new girl friends and I had been invited to at the lacrosse house. This one girl I met that day got really, really drunk and sat down next to me. She passed out a few minutes later and I was starting to get worried when I heard a beeping. I lifted her shirt a bit to see an insulin pump. Long story short-she woke up enough to tell me how to work it and I got it down to a good number. She begged me not to call 911 and was conscious so I was trying to find her a way tot he dorms. I had been talking to him for a while and asked him to help me get her home. He said I owed him big time and agreed- she was a big girl and there was no way I was carrying her all the way back so he carried her while I kept her talking. Later he invited me and a few others to a party the next night at his house he was renting with one of his teammates-they were co-captains of the lacrosse team. I took care of her that night and 4 of us girls went the next day. I liked him and thought he was nice and cute. So did my girl friends. That night we got drunk at their house. He talked with me all night, and then asked if I wanted some weed. I said yeah and he led me into what I discovered to be his room. I should have realized what he was doing, but I just thought he didn't want to share with everybody else. He packed a bowl and I sat on the bed. I smoked, but he said he didn't want any so I was the only one smoking. Half way through the bowl- I'm usually a heavyweight but with just like 5 hits I was completely high- I had to lie down on the bed. I apologized and said I was really high, and then suddenly he was on top of me. I said no and tried to push him off a bunch of times. He just kept on saying I was really pretty and how much he liked me and stuff. I kept saying no and trying to push him off, but he was a lot bigger than me and a lot stronger. Plus I could barely move. He pulled my top off and started touching me and I remember being really really scared and yelling louder and louder. I remember thinking about the first guy and how he had hurt me and choked me. So I stopped struggling and just said no. Someone came in and asked for the bong, and I asked for help. He just left and turned the music on lauder. He had sex with me. After a while I started to like it so I stopped saying no. Here's where I can barely type this I'm so ashamed. I hate myself for this and think I'm probably one of the biggest sluts in the world, but I sucked him a bit, too. I don't even know if it was because I wanted to or if I was scared, or even if I just wanted him to like me and I was a new girl and he was this popular athlete. I was a slut. I even stayed the night voluntarily and had sex with him again when he wanted to. He drove me back to the dorms in the morning and I acted like it was totally normal. But whenever I saw him for the next two years of school, I would avoid him. he worked int he library, and I wouldn't even go in at all for the rest of my freshman year because I didn't want to see him. I was ashamed and he reminded me of my guilt. I saw him at parties, so I stopped going to parties. I heard from other girls he was pushy. Everyone on campus knew I had sex with him, and since he was one of the most popular guys on campus they'd talk to me about it. So I stopped going to social events because it all reminded me of how much of a slut I was because I know people who have ben really raped, and I couldn't compare what happened to me to them or even tell anyone because I was such a slut I had liked it. I might have even come, I don't remember. It's hazy, too, like the first time it took me a long time to remember everything. The memory came back in little bursts, but I know it's real.
Please don't judge me. I hate myself because of it. I have depression and anxiety and panic attacks and had chronic apathy for a long time. I've been on prozac and cymbalta and a bunch of other things, but I haven't ever EVER told anyone the truth because I'm worried they'll judge me or tell other people how much of a whore I am.
Was I raped, or was it just sex?
Comment