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* I apologise in advance for the length, brevity is not my strong point!
I came here for some answers, I suppose, about something that happened to me, but reading through some of the other posts on the forum, I feel like it's almost insignificant now given the stories of the survivors on here. But I just need some clarification, if that's even possible, to get it straight in my own mind as I've never really been able to put it to rest.
It was about 12 years ago now but I still feel sick & claustrophobic whenever I think of it, writing this I feel the nausea rising up. I try not to dwell but it seems to leap to the front of my mind at times for no reason (I'm sure there must be some unconscious triggers that start it).
So here goes;
I was 19 & out with some friends on a Friday night in the next town over from the one I lived in (I've since moved 100 miles away for an unrelated reason). It was a small community & we would inevitably see other people we knew & it wasn't uncommon for us to split up. I had never had any reason to feel unsafe in the area, it was a place where nothing much happened & people were familiar. Splitting up on a night out in the city would never have happened, but here we were on our own turf, you could say. You can always get lulled into a false sense of security though.
To give you some background I was very reckless back then, I drank to excess, took drugs & was out partying constantly. I also had more than a few drunken one-night stands which i can't say I'm proud of today, but they were what they were, this was different. I ended up alone with a man who was a lot older than me, probably in his late 30's at the time, I didn't know him prior to this night & he never told me his name, only a nickname he had (a variation on his last name) I'll call him M. I was definitely not interested in him in a sexual way & gave him no signs that I was. He was walking me, I thought, to the taxi rank, but then things got confused & he started insisting that we first go to his house that was on the way for a reason I can't recall, but remember it being quite trivial & so I then said it was ok, he didn't have to walk me, it wasn't far & he could just go home, then he got weird.
The taxi place was about 20 minutes from where we were & as we walked he started telling me out of the blue that he'd just got out of prison for assaulting his ex-girlfriend who now had a restraining order against him & that it was a good job because if he ever saw her again he'd strangle her. He then casually mentioned she had the same first name as me. All the time he was saying these things, he was trying to hold my hand, I kept finding ways to move my hand away but he was persistent. So we were minutes from the taxi place but still in a residential area when he pointed at some houses & said he lived there & indicated by pulling my hand that I should go with him.
Majorly sober & terrified by now I thought my heart was going to stop there & then. It was around 1am, everywhere had long since closed & I was alone with this dangerous ex-criminal whose real name I didn't even know. Now, I only had his word that the things he said were true but even if he made them up that makes him just as twisted. Obviously by this point I knew this was all kinds of wrong, it was exactly the sort of situation my mum used to warn me about & would have advised me to get the hell away at any cost, but I didn't, I just froze. This is the part when I wish I could go back as me now & run, get on my toes & run far away screaming, but I was 19 with no real life experience & I was terrified so I went with him.
He lived with his brother who was about my age & when we got there all the electricity had gone off & he was sat up by candlelight. I kept staring at him, I suppose vainly trying to signal to him I was in trouble, & tried to keep him talking so I could maybe get away somehow but he then announced he was going to bed & I was alone with M. He started trying to kiss me & feel my breasts to which I resisted & said I'd really better be going but it soon became clear that there was only going to be one option.
He became more forceful in his attempts & I think it was at this point I made a conscious decision to just let him do it. The way I saw it, if I just let him have sex with me, I could go & it would be over. I was petrified that he would hurt me & all I wanted was to go home. The actual act is a bit of a blank, I just remember it was from behind which I was glad about as at first, he got on top of me & I was repulsed by his face. I went floppy like a rag doll, so it didn't hurt & i just lay there & felt nothing that I can recall except empty.
As soon as it was over, which was mercifully quickly, but still too long, I picked my shoes up (he didn't bother taking my skirt off) & before he could say anything else i just left, in my bare feet, clutching my shoes. How I found the door in the dark I have no idea, but I did & as soon as I was out I ran, I ran & didn't stop until I got to the taxi rank. I remember having to wait for a taxi & I sat there just trying to hold it together, just numb & a little scared he'd come back. I must have looked a mess with dirty, bleeding feet but I think the taxi staff thought I was just drunk.
He didn't reappear & I got home safe, my parents were away that weekend & I immediately got in the shower & went to bed. I'd already made the decision, almost immediately after, that I wasn't going to report it. I reasoned with my 19yr old self that if I did then whatever the outcome, it would be bad for me as I would either be known as 'that girl that got raped' or 'that girl that lied about getting raped' & I just couldn't face it, I hoped to go onto a career in nursing, I didn't want that label hanging over me & the thought of telling my parents, hurting them like that, was too much to bear. Plus, I thought, I had a list of reasons why no one would believe it was rape & my defence of 'I didn't want to' seemed weak.
I went with him willingly, I was scared mentally yes but he never actually hurt me, there was just the perceived threat of violence & what if I had overreacted? I never used the actual word 'No' that I can remember, I didn't try to run at anytime as we walked & lastly, I LET him have sex with me, so does that mean I consented? I was sure the police would say I was 'asking for it' & not only that, I was scared that he'd hurt me or my family if I wasn't believed & he was as dangerous as he'd made out. For these reasons I never told a soul & I just decided to never think about it again, which hasn't turned out so well as I think about it all the time. Don't get me wrong, I haven't let it affect my life to the extent that it has stopped me doing anything. I'm happily married with a job as a senior nurse & my partying days have long since past. I know I should put it behind me now but I need to know, was I raped?
I came here for some answers, I suppose, about something that happened to me, but reading through some of the other posts on the forum, I feel like it's almost insignificant now given the stories of the survivors on here. But I just need some clarification, if that's even possible, to get it straight in my own mind as I've never really been able to put it to rest.
It was about 12 years ago now but I still feel sick & claustrophobic whenever I think of it, writing this I feel the nausea rising up. I try not to dwell but it seems to leap to the front of my mind at times for no reason (I'm sure there must be some unconscious triggers that start it).
So here goes;
I was 19 & out with some friends on a Friday night in the next town over from the one I lived in (I've since moved 100 miles away for an unrelated reason). It was a small community & we would inevitably see other people we knew & it wasn't uncommon for us to split up. I had never had any reason to feel unsafe in the area, it was a place where nothing much happened & people were familiar. Splitting up on a night out in the city would never have happened, but here we were on our own turf, you could say. You can always get lulled into a false sense of security though.
To give you some background I was very reckless back then, I drank to excess, took drugs & was out partying constantly. I also had more than a few drunken one-night stands which i can't say I'm proud of today, but they were what they were, this was different. I ended up alone with a man who was a lot older than me, probably in his late 30's at the time, I didn't know him prior to this night & he never told me his name, only a nickname he had (a variation on his last name) I'll call him M. I was definitely not interested in him in a sexual way & gave him no signs that I was. He was walking me, I thought, to the taxi rank, but then things got confused & he started insisting that we first go to his house that was on the way for a reason I can't recall, but remember it being quite trivial & so I then said it was ok, he didn't have to walk me, it wasn't far & he could just go home, then he got weird.
The taxi place was about 20 minutes from where we were & as we walked he started telling me out of the blue that he'd just got out of prison for assaulting his ex-girlfriend who now had a restraining order against him & that it was a good job because if he ever saw her again he'd strangle her. He then casually mentioned she had the same first name as me. All the time he was saying these things, he was trying to hold my hand, I kept finding ways to move my hand away but he was persistent. So we were minutes from the taxi place but still in a residential area when he pointed at some houses & said he lived there & indicated by pulling my hand that I should go with him.
Majorly sober & terrified by now I thought my heart was going to stop there & then. It was around 1am, everywhere had long since closed & I was alone with this dangerous ex-criminal whose real name I didn't even know. Now, I only had his word that the things he said were true but even if he made them up that makes him just as twisted. Obviously by this point I knew this was all kinds of wrong, it was exactly the sort of situation my mum used to warn me about & would have advised me to get the hell away at any cost, but I didn't, I just froze. This is the part when I wish I could go back as me now & run, get on my toes & run far away screaming, but I was 19 with no real life experience & I was terrified so I went with him.
He lived with his brother who was about my age & when we got there all the electricity had gone off & he was sat up by candlelight. I kept staring at him, I suppose vainly trying to signal to him I was in trouble, & tried to keep him talking so I could maybe get away somehow but he then announced he was going to bed & I was alone with M. He started trying to kiss me & feel my breasts to which I resisted & said I'd really better be going but it soon became clear that there was only going to be one option.
He became more forceful in his attempts & I think it was at this point I made a conscious decision to just let him do it. The way I saw it, if I just let him have sex with me, I could go & it would be over. I was petrified that he would hurt me & all I wanted was to go home. The actual act is a bit of a blank, I just remember it was from behind which I was glad about as at first, he got on top of me & I was repulsed by his face. I went floppy like a rag doll, so it didn't hurt & i just lay there & felt nothing that I can recall except empty.
As soon as it was over, which was mercifully quickly, but still too long, I picked my shoes up (he didn't bother taking my skirt off) & before he could say anything else i just left, in my bare feet, clutching my shoes. How I found the door in the dark I have no idea, but I did & as soon as I was out I ran, I ran & didn't stop until I got to the taxi rank. I remember having to wait for a taxi & I sat there just trying to hold it together, just numb & a little scared he'd come back. I must have looked a mess with dirty, bleeding feet but I think the taxi staff thought I was just drunk.
He didn't reappear & I got home safe, my parents were away that weekend & I immediately got in the shower & went to bed. I'd already made the decision, almost immediately after, that I wasn't going to report it. I reasoned with my 19yr old self that if I did then whatever the outcome, it would be bad for me as I would either be known as 'that girl that got raped' or 'that girl that lied about getting raped' & I just couldn't face it, I hoped to go onto a career in nursing, I didn't want that label hanging over me & the thought of telling my parents, hurting them like that, was too much to bear. Plus, I thought, I had a list of reasons why no one would believe it was rape & my defence of 'I didn't want to' seemed weak.
I went with him willingly, I was scared mentally yes but he never actually hurt me, there was just the perceived threat of violence & what if I had overreacted? I never used the actual word 'No' that I can remember, I didn't try to run at anytime as we walked & lastly, I LET him have sex with me, so does that mean I consented? I was sure the police would say I was 'asking for it' & not only that, I was scared that he'd hurt me or my family if I wasn't believed & he was as dangerous as he'd made out. For these reasons I never told a soul & I just decided to never think about it again, which hasn't turned out so well as I think about it all the time. Don't get me wrong, I haven't let it affect my life to the extent that it has stopped me doing anything. I'm happily married with a job as a senior nurse & my partying days have long since past. I know I should put it behind me now but I need to know, was I raped?
if ok
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