im hurting

[Guest_laura]

I hope you dont mind me posting but i have just about had enough.

i dont know how im feeling to be honest my head is all over the place.
i dont even know where to begin. you would probibly saythe beginig but
where is the begining? for me i just feel like in going round in circles and
not going forward. when i do go forward i end up going back to square one
again.

last year i was raped by a man known to me. i tohught i was dealing with
things as im seeing a councellor and started to talk about it but i dont think i
am coping. ive been in hospital cause i tried to kill myself and latly thats all
thats been on my mind. i hated the way i felt when i woke up in hospital but i
hate this feeling even more. i feel like im choaking on my tears that i am having
to hold back. i cant put on my fake smile anymore cause its not working for me.

its stoped me doing what i want to do. ive started a corse at college but i had to
leave it cause it was becoming too much for me. i miss the fact that i cant even do
what i did before. ive lost one of my friends don to this and im scared im going to
loose some more if i dont stop pushing them away but at the same time i need space.
i dont kow what i can do or say but this is hurting me so much i feel like giving up again.

take care all love laura x

[lost angel]

this is my post and ive now regerstered as lost angel.

[diana_holbourn]

Hopefully you'll find support here.

If you were asked to name the three most important issues to come out of this that need to be sorted out before you can get on with your life, what would they be?

Have you had days that weren't quite so bad for you? Or times of day when things seem a little easier to bear for some reason? If so, what are you doing at those times that makes the difference?

If you got to the point where you decided he'd ruined enough of your life, and though there wasn't anything you could do about that, you were going to make certain as best as you could that he wasn't going to ruin any more of it, what do you think would be the first little thing you'd do that would show that you were determined to make sure that what happened didn't spoil any more of it? What would have to happen to enable you to get to the point where you could do that?

[lost angel]

hiya all

yeah i have had day that were ok and ive wanted to get up and do something. ive had days that i can put on my smile and it wont be hard to keep it on all day. ive had days that i had a laugh and i enjoyed myself but i dont know how to keep having these days. just now i dont see the point ive been fighting back and its not getting me anywhere. my mum still treats me like **** and my dad well he just dont want to know. im hurt but i cant do nothing about it. i'll always hurt as long as my mum and dad act this way towards me. not only that but i'll never forget the times i was abused. the first time i was touched up it was by my step brother and i still have to talk to him like nothing happened. so i cant escape him the first time i was raped it was a guy who i thought i love. yeah i know love is a strong word and i dont even know what love is but i felt something when i was near him. but now i have to see him as he lives at the bottom for my street. then when i was raped last year it was by my mates brother. i dont talk to my mate that much any more and when i do its hard cause there is always this tention between us.

ive became paranoid but i just feel i cant escape the *******s. ive got my name down on the houseing list and im talking to a suport worker so i am trying to change things. but i just feel me efforts are pointless cause there is always someone out there to stop me form doing it.

oh i dont really know what im talking about now im just rabbiting.

[diana_holbourn]

That's bad! It makes things worse when you still have to speak to or go near the people! Hopefully you'll get rehoused soon. Is there really anything that could stand in the way of that?
Do you have to stay in the area you're in, or if you found a way to leave, would that be possible? If you're in a position where you could go off and do voluntary work, for instance, there are organisations that you can do projects with for a while where you can go and live somewhere else and they'll pay for your accommodation while you're there and give you a small allowance. I know CSV do that. I'm not sure what their website address is, but it would probably be easy to find out if you thought that would be a possibility for you.
How do your parents treat you?
If you have some days that are better than others, it might help you to work out what's happening on those days that makes them a bit different if you keep a diary, and at the end of better days, or two or three times during them, you try to work out why they're better than other days and then write down what you think the reasons are in the diary. Then after a while, you might work out several things that can make them better, so you can do more of those things. When people are depressed, they don't feel like doing anything to make their situation better, but if they try anyway, they can find that things do get better gradually.

[lost angel]

there are times when i feel like i want to give up but the only thing that sops me is the fear of waking up again.
just befor christmas things got to much and i couldnt take the pain i was holding everything inside and my head was jam packed. i was screaming from inside. i decided i couldnt handle it anymore and i tried to kill myself. unfortunatly it never worked and i had to face what i had done i never felt so stupid in all my life. despite the way i felt i still have the urge. and im scared.

the housing well its somthing my suport worked is helping me out with and yes it will be in a difrent area. ive lived in this **** hole all my life and ive had enough of it the council just seem to put more and more idiots in here. murdereds, rapists, muggers, junkies, you name it was have it all round in the place where i stay. only last week a man was murdered at the bottom of my street.

Ive been suffering depression for the last years or so now and this is the worst ive felt since i was in hospital that time. thanks for all the words diana it means a lot to know i can have someone to talk to and who wont judge me but what im saying.

you have been a rock to poeple on here i can see that when i read to posts. love sent you laura x x x

[diana_holbourn]

It's a shame you live in such a horrible area. That must be part of what's making you depressed. Hopefully the one you move to will be nicer, and you'll get to move soon. You might start to feel a bit better when you do.
It's not stupid to want to kill yourself when you're so distressed you think it's the only way out. But it may be that in six months' time, you will be feeling quite a bit better, and you'll look back and be glad you didn't end up committing suicide. People are often full of pessimism when they're depressed and find it hard to believe things can improve; but once they start seeing more and more little changes for the better, they can be encouraged and get more optimistic that things can improve even more. And you might end up doing something really worthwhile with your life in the end that makes you happy, and then you'll be glad you struggled through the bad times and stayed alive.
If it helps you to express your feelings on here to get them out of your system, then feel free to do that. Hopefully you'll get support.

[Unregistered]

hiya laura,

im sorry you are feeling the way you are at the moment but please dont do anything silly. i live in am area just like your and it gets me down. i was raped by a guy who lives in my close and i need to face him everyday. im not gonna talk to much about my self but i will make a proper post soon.

the reason im replying is because of what you said about being in hospital. i tried to kill myself a while back and i too felt ashamed when i woke up. i then tried again and i felt worse than i did the last time. so please dont do anything. you will only feel worse in the long run.

i too lost mates but they say its times like these you find out who your true friends are.

keep your chin up doll
love sent suzie x

[lost angel]

thankx

ive spoken with my suport worker the day and im feeling much better, yeah i rambled for about and hour but its made me feel better about. i also seen a psychiatrist the other day and he thinks i may be suffering ptsd ive never heard of it in my life. dose anyone have any advice or any web sites i could have a look at ?

suzie thanks for the post it ment alot to me. and i will look out for you post. i hope you are feeling better and that you too get a move to a better area.

its true what you say about friends i too say that quote. i dont know what to do about the problem but i cant help people if i cant help myself and as harsh as it sounds its true.

things are all over the place for me the now with my brother moving to the bottom of the street and my mums wedding coming up soon. so im just having to put my mask on and get on with things. what else can i do.

thankx for reading and take care.
love laura x x x

[Unregistered]

hiya laura its suzie again,

its good to see you feeling better. ptsd thats post traumatic stress disorder. itas not nice to have. there are loads of sites go to your google search and type it in and stuff will come up.

weddings are good its a new start, and the man your mum is marrying will become your step dad. i hope you get on well with him. dont worry about talking for ages sometimes just talking a load of **** that has no meaning can help. i ramble all the time but i also write things down as it helps me.

anyways got to go to the dentist
love suzie x

[lost angel]

hiya sorry its taken me so long to reply i have been busy.
ive started a new job and im enjoying it. for the first time in ages im feeling much better and i can see th light at the end of the tunnel. im ready to start talking about this with my support worker too. so all in all im feeling better.

i hope everone on here starts to feel better soon to cause we all deserve it.

keep your chins up
love laura x x