I need help

[anon26]

So had my counselling assessment today. Not sure if I feel any beer for it or worse. I geuss it was just as assessment.

Was hard to go over all of it again and talk about how I'm feeling and about my past. Without over sharing I was attacked as a young girl and abused as a child and now all of this is happening. I have always been able to cope on my own feels a bit weird asking for help.

I have been marked as red which means basically that I really need emotional support through counselling. I am now first in line and will be getting an appointment to start my theropy very soon.

Didn't expect to cry so much and things where coming out of my mouth that I didn't even know I was thinking. It's all a bit much for me. Especially when I know cps decision is due in the next week or so. I geuss this is the right time to be getting help.

I ended up walking straight into a river island after my session and bought myself a few new items of clothing. This is gunna get expensive if I have to go shopping after each session.

Going to see a friend tonight and have a normal night with food and laughs and try to live a normal life for the next few days. I never expected this journey to be so tough. No one should have to go through what I am or anyone else who has survived rape on this forum or in the world.

To say I feel like my life has been destroyed sometimes feel a like am understatement. I am only 26 years old I really hope it will get better. I can't live a life full of misery. I feel I am owed something good. Feeling very alone in all of this like no one can help but i geuss that is normal

[Music lady]

It is a hard and lonely journey. That's where forums like this one are invaluable in helping me to feel less alone. I was was abused as a child as well. My counsellor has told me I have PTSD because of my childhood. I was r*ped by my ex bf 19 years ago. I've not long started my healing journey. I still find it strange at times what comes out of my head.

Well done you for starting yours now. I wish I'd started it years ago. You will lead a happy life. Our past doesn't define who we are. Others who have made it through this journey have said it is worth it in the end.

I'm pleased that you will be getting the support you need very soon. Please remember, you are not alone in this journey, we're all here for you. Feel free to vent and post on here as and when you need to.I've found it very helpful to journal and vent. Sometimes I have thoughts that won't go away. Once I've written them down, I start to feel much better.

Take care, here if you need me

[anon26]

Thank you music lady.

Just found out the guy I was seeing has a new girlfriend so i geuss I had a lucky escape obviously didn't care.

Onwards and upwards. Glad it's not just me that's feel alone. I know it's gunna take time. I kinda thought I would be over this quickly like always I always dust myself of but the fact is I have been through a major life changing event and I need to remember the scale of what has happened to me. It's hard as I can't see it from the outside in. But regardless it was horrid and shouldn't have happened and u can't shake it off.

Finding everything so stressful

[anon26]

I was hoping I would feel better by now but I don't seem to be making any progress at all, I had started to go out again and try to et my life back together but I went out last Friday and drunk myself into oblivion. I blacked out gain and lost all of my friends on the night out.

luckily made it home in one piece but I feel a bit shaken up and feel disgusted in myself for letting myself get so drunk when that is how I ended up getting attacked and raped in the first place.

im so ashamed of myself and feel more depressed than ever, I have this week booked of as holiday and I am going to see my doctor on Wednesday to talk about anti depressants.

my friends only seem to know how to socialise with alcohol but that is just to dangerous for me. I feel like I should hide away and not socliase as drinking is just not an option for me anymore.

im sure I only got so drunk as I am trying to drink away my feelings. I think its hard because it happened a couple of months ago and for everyone else it seems so long ago but for me it may aswell of happened yesterday.

I am due to find out the CPS verdict on the 6th of August to find out if my case goes to court and I am still to receive any theropy. I have had an assessment but that's it so it feel like its all been brought to the surface but I have no tools to deal with it.

no one ever tells you how hard this all is and with modern life there is no time to get over it. I don't want to go into work as I am finding It to hard and I am stressed out to the point that I have never been so stressed.

still losing weight even tho I am eating it feels like im on a downwards spiral.

[Indigo]

Hi Anon,

It will be hard for you, it would be hard for anyone.
It is in our nature to care (for most people anyway) but in your case all you can do is keep talking
and eventualy it will get better.

Do you not have any close friends you can talk to about this? often they are the best shoulder to cry
on as they know you.

There will come a point where you must stop being a victim and become a survivor, tell yourself this
ordeal will not define you or who you are. You did not agree to this nor did you want it drunk or not.

Socialise with your friends but tell them you are on medication and cannot drink alcohol, don't have to explain
it just say that's the way it is I am sure they will understand.

Be brave and I know each day will be a battle to carry on but you must, but also know it will get better.
We are all right there with you so best foot forward as they say, and busy yourself as much as you can.

[lawlessone2009]

Well... I was on the opposite side of the fence. My hell started on the 22nd of November 2011. It's still not over. I was dragged through the legal system until the 2nd of August 2013. I was consistently bombarded with lies, had to endure both the Police and COPFS (CPS in England) flexing their muscles and showing how powerful they were and also had to attempt to suss out if my legal team were capable and able to defend me. I would like to say I was lucky in some aspects.

HOWEVER, I have still not recovered. I doubt I ever will and I only had purely mental/emotional torture.

In a similar situation to you my ordeal was a direct result of over consumption of alcohol which lead to me making choices to associate with people I should probably have never been in the company off. With just a little bit more creativeness on their part I could have been languishing in jail just now as an innocent man. If my legal team had been weak the same result would've greeted me.

I learned that alcohol is not necessarily a good thing. It leaves you vulnerable in many aspects not necessarily just within the field of sexual behaviour. Alcohol loosens peoples inhibitions and they do silly things as a result. Avoiding alcohol is something that you should consider if controlling your intake is not working. The other negative which should be considered is the fact that it adds to depression.

You sound as if you're realising that your friends are alcoholics or involved in the 'scene' as far as alcohol/good times are concerned. It's an 'image' thing and although everyone appears to be having a great time apart from you it may well be that some people are equally as bored/questioning and feel that by drinking some more it'll loosen them up and they'll begin to enjoy themselves. Before long you've had one too many and simply don't have a clue what's happening.

I don't have a solution for you unfortunately apart from recommending you find new friends. I dropped all my alcohol associates one after another when I realised that their entire existence seemed to revolve around being part of the weekend piss artists. If you're not 'into' getting pissed and your friends actually LEAVE YOU when you are pissed then I would seriously take some time out and evaluate what's wrong there, it's not you who is wrong.

Drinking is still an option. Do it with people who are genuinely interesting and have the fact that alcohol is involved as 'part' of the evening not the entire point of the evening.

I was referred by my doctor to the mental health team. When everything was over for me as far as court was concerned I found the lack of pressure too much. I began to become obsessed with suicide. Even today I still suffer from it. It was only the beginning of this month that I was walking along a footpath that ran parallel to a railway line (in the countryside) and every time a train wizz'd past I would picture myself being in front of it. I have issues with bridges. I have issues with things I haven't even considered before, they just appear and seem so easy that I have to actually catch my thoughts and control them. I was prescribed anti-depressants at the time of seeing my doctor (reasonably strong dose as well!) and by crikey was I greatful for them however, don't take them long term! The first month or two was fine but after that I was sick of being a zombie and desperate for the next 'solution'. Most times this would be a 'change' of anti-depressant which would then lead onto a further change of anti-depressants and so the circle continues forever after and you become completely reliant on them. A member on here, Rights Fighter, recommended that I try '5-HTP'. These are 'herbal' things and I was very questioning of what they could possibly do but they've actually worked for me. I'm calm, able to think and function and anti-depressant free. The suicidal thoughts existed throughout my time on anti-depressants and I have to say that the zombie like state of my mind was what stopped suicide from happening but it never allowed me to actually deal with the thoughts.

You will find that if you go on to anti-depressants. The 'numbness' is a good thing, it does help but in the long term you need to process your thoughts and find solutions within your mind. Solutions are not easy or even 'conclusions' they are merely ways in which you are mentally able to deal with issues that arise in your thought processes or situations which you find yourself in which 'trigger' certain thoughts. Don't become a long term anti-depressant dependent person, use them to get over the rawness that you are experiencing and then move forward to more natural solutions which may not involve herbal remedies but a gym membership or a new friend or a hobby or something that you find enjoyable.

As for the CPS. They'll be reaching a decision on 'charging'. It sounds, from what you have said, that the only decision that they can reach is to take the case to court. If they reach a different decision then do not be afraid to post on here and members can assist you with either challenging that decision or moving forward in a different manner. Do you want your day in court?


Modern life is 'quick'. It can be a pain in the butt. Throw in some work too and before you know it you've lost weeks/months/years. It all passes so quickly. You're dealing with all these things and not getting any time to yourself. Instead of going drinking this coming weekend get yourself up nice and early and go for a walk somewhere scenic, stare at stones or insects, marvel at ancient building or bridges or climb up a hill. Take some time out with your thoughts and nobody around you to hassle you or attempt to persuade you to do what they want. Make time for yourself and spend it with yourself. Mull over what you want in life and how you believe that you can possibly get it. Consider what you'll be like when you're 40, 50, 60, 70, 80... Think about what you'll want to own or have experienced and then set your mind on something simple and go and do it, slowly building on the easy things and see where you end up.

[anon26]

Thank you once again.

Yeah I am taking a back sit from my friendship group. They have been amazing to me so far but like you say the only way they know how to socialise is through alchol and it's not an option for me I want a booze free life. It has caused me nothing but problems. I did join the gym but I am having car problems so have been unable to use my membership so far :-(. I went for a run tonight and I will go for one again in the morning. I will be back on the road soon and I intend to go to yoga as I've heard that it's great for mental well being.

I'm sure what you went through must be equally as mentally destroying as what I am currently dealing with. It doesn't get any easier that's for sure. I've been on my own for a few days and had no one to talk to. I think my friends are sick of me trying to rationalise it. I'm sure the not but I feel like it's not ok to talk about any more.

I'm gunna concentrate on getting healthy and fit and see where that path leads me.

[Indigo]

Well good for you
It never leaves you that's for sure, but in time you stop thinking about it less.
8 years on it still feels like yesterday for me but not as sole destroying, I know my questions
will never be answered but I'm ok with that now.

I am also tea total after my ordeal now, not that I ever got so hammered I didn't know what I was doing
but I like being sobber far more then being drunk these days.

Like I said, don't let this define you and it sounds like your no longer a victim rather a survivor and that
is a far better state to be in trust me on that.

Keep running and keep smiling

[anon26]

:-) yeah sober is the way!!

Thank you so nice for someone to refer to me as a survivor rather than a victim. That is the first time anyone has said that. I'm sure in a few more weeks I'll be even stronger.

I'm sure it never fully goes away but I will be glad for the ordeal to be put to rest so I can close the chapter.

My new chapter involves health and fitness and getting my life on track becoming a successful happy young lady once again.

What doest kill us can only make us stronger xx

[Indigo]

Exactly and you can become a mentor to others as you have lived it.
In time anyway, but for the time being it sounds like your back on track.
You will have wobbles but that's what we are here for xx

[anon26]

I used to do taekwando so seriously considering starting that up again to build confidence. Onwards and upwards

[anon26]

It's been a while and thought I would put an update on.

Cps decision is coming next week. Feeling ok about it atm it is what it is i will deal with it when it comes through.

Been going to the gym and started yoga. Been to 4 classes so far. Eating healthy and working our and I must admit I feel great!! Feeling very postive. Haven't had a drink in 2 weeks and haven't really seen my friends as they seem to have stopped inviting me out but I must admit I don't care! !!

Really enjoying keeping fit and working out to be honest it's taking up all my free time anyway! Everyone has noticed a change in my mood saying I seem really happy and smiley again!!

Would highly reccomended yoga to anyone in my shoes gives you a chance to clear your mind and helps to process information.


Feeling good so wanted to share that.

Peace

[lawlessone2009]

It's been a while and thought I would put an update on.

Cps decision is coming next week. Feeling ok about it atm it is what it is i will deal with it when it comes through.

Been going to the gym and started yoga. Been to 4 classes so far. Eating healthy and working our and I must admit I feel great!! Feeling very postive. Haven't had a drink in 2 weeks and haven't really seen my friends as they seem to have stopped inviting me out but I must admit I don't care! !!

Really enjoying keeping fit and working out to be honest it's taking up all my free time anyway! Everyone has noticed a change in my mood saying I seem really happy and smiley again!!

Would highly recommended yoga to anyone in my shoes gives you a chance to clear your mind and helps to process information.


Feeling good so wanted to share that.

Peace

An excellent update. Fantastic to see that you are taking a pro-active approach to things. It took me until the spring this year to realise just how far I'd slipped out of 'life' and to get my bum in gear and start getting active again.

Friends vanishing because you're not going out drinking? Kind of highlights that their main objective is drinking. Not really a friendship but more a group to drink with although friendship is still there but secondary.

Never quite understood Yoga... Each to their own though and if you are enjoying it then that's all that matters.

As for the CPS. There are times where they look at the information in front of them and it becomes apparent that they need more information before they reach their decision on whether to proceed or not. Bear this in mind, I do hope that they act professionally and in good time in your case but sometimes they do need longer. Don't go reading any positives or negatives from it, just accept that sometimes things take longer than even the best conceived plans state.

Nice healthy living in tune with your surroundings... My my, just watch you don't become too obsessed.

[anon26]

Thanks trying not to get to obsessed but does make me feel good :-) today's the day let's see what happens

[IRB777]

Hi Anon26 i am also a male FA , reading your posts is heart breaking , the battle im having is my own and understand there are 2 sides to this forum. I decided to look at the other side and found your post. The first thing i felt was anger at my accuser, your life has obviously been torn apart by this, my accuser is using your nightmare for her own ends. But i am neither commenting in relation to her or myself, but as a dad who has 4 daughters. You will get through this , you will be surprised at how resiliant you can be. Step forward with your life, one day this terrible experience will be a distant memory, there is evil in this world but evil will not prevail. Many people who have suffered terribly feel a need to do something positive and help other people, its a way of making something good happen out of something that could have destroyed you. Maybe its something to think about and for some people a way of coping. What has happened in the past is the past, yes you were touched by Evil and that person is eternally damned, they are weak, dirty and wretched. Build yourself up get your confidence back, be strong, you have your whole life in front of you. You will have children, you will meet someone who you will love and who loves you, you have the whole world to explore. Stay close to your family they will help you get through this and on to the other side. Trust me I lost everything and have no one. Its been hell but i got through it. You will cope as i do and start to dream again of a future. Be strong you have my compassion and my best wishes I.