Sisters rape affecting my marriage

[Millie]

Hello,
Forgive me posting about my own problems when I have not been directly harmed by a rape, I hope you do not think I am being selfish. I have turned to a board for help because I am really at my wits end to know what to do.

Briefly - some time ago my elder sister was abducted and raped. She is lucky to be alive, and from the outside at least, is coping amazingly. The man has been arrested and imprisoned. The reason I am posting is that the horror of those weeks is affecting my own marriage. When my husband and I get "intimate" I simply don't enjoy it any more - I spend the whole time mentally leaning with all my weight against a door in my head, behind which is all the images and memory of what happened to my sister. I cannot see sex as a loving, gentle thing any more. Last night I explained this to my husband for the first time, and he understands completely, but now I think it is affecting him too because neither of us want to try!

Can anyone advise me on ways to shut these bad thoughts out and to see sex in a healthy way again? Would asking my GP for a counselling referral be possible? Does Relate deal with this kind of problem? I know the real harm was done to my sister, but the ripples have affected her whole family.

Many thanks in advance

Millie

[diana_holbourn]

Sorry to hear about that.

One thing that just might work is if you both decide not to have sex for the next month or so, but instead, make a point a couple of times a week of spending quite some time being affectionate, caressing and massaging each other's non-sexual parts, taking turns with each other. It may be that by the end of it, you're keen to have sex and you associate it with affection again.

Failing that, you could try asking your GP for a referral to counselling, but there's often a long waiting list and you might not get the kind of counselling you want in the end. It could still be worth a try though. Relate should deal with issues like this, I think.