I don't know what's wrong with me, I really need help

[cl4r4]

I don't understand why it bothers me so much, I can't understand what it is that bothers me but it will just never leave my mind. I really want to tell people but I know I can't. About seven years ago i was raped by my cousin, well, i say seven years ago but it lasted several years so it coud have been 10/9/8/7 or six years ago (I'm 16 now). I saw him regularly, and he would always find me and take me into a room with him. He started by telling me that it was a 'massage for gymnasts' (i loved gymnastics) but i knew it wasn't. It progressively got worse and worse. He made me get undressed and I could't do or say anything, I was too scared so I just endured it all.. He wasn't violent, he never physically hurt me and i can't imagining him ever doing so but i was terrified of the situation I was in. I knew I hated it, and i always sneaked around his house trying to avoid him. I knew it wasn't right but at the same time, i didn't think he had done anything wrong. ItAs i grew up, i heard more and more about rape, and as I grew up, I simply blamed myself for not fighting him off. I simply blamed myslef for not shouting NOO into his face and running down to my parents. It was about a year ago, i found out that it is still rape, even in circumstances like mine. I still don't really know. I just want it to stop haunting me. I want to understand what happened. I really want to tell someone about it but i know that I physically can't. I have been in a close group of friends for about 5 years now, and i have ever told them anything, I can't tell them now can I? How? I want to but i can never see myself blurting out those words or even say 'I need to talk to you' like you see in the dramas. Anyway, that's sort of why i'm here, so I don't need to tell them, i can tell you guys instead. (I have just signed up, I don't know if this is how it works but ye). If you have bared reading this all the way through then thankss, and if you can just tell me what's wrong with me that would be even better. thanks

[welshgirl]

I don't understand why it bothers me so much, I can't understand what it is that bothers me but it will just never leave my mind. I really want to tell people but I know I can't. About seven years ago i was raped by my cousin, well, i say seven years ago but it lasted several years so it coud have been 10/9/8/7 or six years ago (I'm 16 now). I saw him regularly, and he would always find me and take me into a room with him. He started by telling me that it was a 'massage for gymnasts' (i loved gymnastics) but i knew it wasn't. It progressively got worse and worse. He made me get undressed and I could't do or say anything, I was too scared so I just endured it all.. He wasn't violent, he never physically hurt me and i can't imagining him ever doing so but i was terrified of the situation I was in. I knew I hated it, and i always sneaked around his house trying to avoid him. I knew it wasn't right but at the same time, i didn't think he had done anything wrong. ItAs i grew up, i heard more and more about rape, and as I grew up, I simply blamed myself for not fighting him off. I simply blamed myslef for not shouting NOO into his face and running down to my parents. It was about a year ago, i found out that it is still rape, even in circumstances like mine. I still don't really know. I just want it to stop haunting me. I want to understand what happened. I really want to tell someone about it but i know that I physically can't. I have been in a close group of friends for about 5 years now, and i have ever told them anything, I can't tell them now can I? How? I want to but i can never see myself blurting out those words or even say 'I need to talk to you' like you see in the dramas. Anyway, that's sort of why i'm here, so I don't need to tell them, i can tell you guys instead. (I have just signed up, I don't know if this is how it works but ye). If you have bared reading this all the way through then thankss, and if you can just tell me what's wrong with me that would be even better. thanks

Hello,

Sorry that you find yourself here first of all.

I can understand why and what bothers you so much. I am sorry for all that you have experienced.

I can identify with so much of what you have wrote. I never had anyone to tell either. Please get help sooner rather than later, it will not go away x x x

[is there justice?]

You were a child, just a child. When you get older you realise you didn't know half as much as you thought you did then. How on earth can you possibly blame yourself? You wouldn't blame someone else who told you of a similar experience.
You say he didn't hurt you, not all hurt is physical. Maybe try writing a letter to him (you don't need to send it) and put your feelings down. It might help you to make sense of it all in your head and at least give you some peace of mind. Once you can do that, you can make better decisions. This way you are keeping control of the situation and directing the direction and pace of the future rather than things being taken out of your hands.

[myhome]

Hi and sorry to be late with my reply.
As you were underage it is always counted as rape because in law someone underage cannot give consent.
I would strongly advise that you find a Rape and Sexual Abuse organisation in your area (google/ Citizens' Advice/GP will be able to find them). They have professionally trained counsellors who you should find to be very understanding and helpful. The service is usually free and completely confidential.
from reading your thread I can see you are blaming yourself for what happened to you. But sexual abuse is never ever the victim's fault. I would hazard a guess that until you get professional counselling/therapy for this, then you will continue to blame yourself for the rest of you life - which cold very possibly lead to more mental health problems in your future.
Taking the first step is always the hardest and is always the biggest and most important. You owe it to yourself not to live the rest of your life feeling lie this...