A feelings rants type post...

[Music lady]

Ok, been trying to think of a way of putting this.

I'm still seeing my counsellor. It's taken a while, but I think I now completely trust her. Trust is one of my biggest issues.

My counsellor now wants to work on an area that is huge to me. She wants to work on personal space issues. To be honest, I feel scared. I find this topic brings up so many negative feelings. Just so tempting to carry on with avoidance. Tell her that I just can't do it and I'll have to learn to live with it. *sigh* Why does this journey have to be so hard. It's going to be hard dealing with this and trying to carry on as 'normal'. My inner turmoil must stay inside, at least while I'm at work anyways.

Oh well, watch this space.

[myhome]

Hi hon - I'm really pleased that you can now trust your counsellor. It's not possible to build a therapeutic relationship with someone you don't feel comfortable with, especially when she will be taking you to places you'd rather not go. Maybe you could tell your counsellor your fears before you start.
Facing fears and standing up to them can be very difficult and painful; but if you ignore them and bury them, they haven't gone away, they just stay where they are and although may be buried are never quite gone and have a habit of surfacing every so often just to remind you.
Facing difficult issues will be painful at the time, but this is for a short-ish time and then the healing can begin. Leaving them alone to fester is forever......
Be strong - you've come such a long way and achieved a so much.
Here for you ....

[Music lady]

Thank you MH for your quick reply and much needed hugs. It means a lot to me. I hope things are improving for you now MH

That's a great idea MH, all I need to do now is to decide whether to e-mail my counsellor my fears or tell her in person when we meet. Just can't quite decide. I've got time to think about this as I only see her once a month. I can see pros and cons whatever way. It's good to know the pain is only temporary. Just have to keep reminding myself of that

[myhome]

sometimes writing things down helps to sort things in your mind. I've tried it and it worked for me.....
It doesn't matter if you start with telling or emailing your counsellor - so let's say Telling her directly. Put this as your title and divide the paper in half vertically. On one half write down all the positives for telling her and on the other side all the negatives.
On another piece of paper do the same thing for emailing her.
When you've finished both, look at them side by side and hopefully it will have become clear to you which is the best course of action for you....
Good luck - hope it works for you

[Music lady]

Thanks MH. I've been keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings as well. So with your advice, I decided to email my counsellor. I guess it's more to do with feeling vulnerable after e-mailing her. I just don't like feeling vulnerable, but then, who does?

To cut a long story short, I've finally e-mailed my counsellor, but I didn't include my fears. I just don't know where to start with my fears, so I'm going to try journalling first. I always take my journal with me.

I've been debating with myself whether or not to go through with the next step. After thinking about it and writing my thoughts down, I've decided I just have to go through with it. There really isn't a lot of choice in the matter. So I'm now getting myself prepared for the next step in my journey. I have this real need to be in control. If I'm in control, then I'm coping. So I'm starting with baby steps. Then I can stop before I become overwhelmed, well that's the plan anyways, but we'll see.

I've started to think about reporting my ex for what he did to me. I decided against it before because of his partner. I didn't want to turn her life upside down. Then I came to realise that it wouldn't be me turning her life upside down, it would be my ex bf because it was his choice to hurt me, not mine. It just feels like a big decision to make.

I meant to say that my reason for thinking about reporting him is in case I'm not the first or the last. I'm not sure my conscious would be comfortable with knowing that I could've stopped him hurting just one person had I reported it, but didn't. I'm really not interested in compensation like you hear about in the news. I just need to work out what's best for me and my family first, and go from there.

[Music lady]

Not sure if I can carry on with my counsellor or not. Hubby has had to look for a new job. If he gets it, he'll be back late. I have no one to look after my children, so it would be too late to go. If he does get the job, I have 2 maybe 3 sessions left.

If I can't find a way to work round it, I'll have to manage. My counsellor has told me I'm coping remarkably well, so I should be ok. I'm resourceful, so I will be ok because I have to be.

I managed without professional help for a long time until recently. I'm no longer in crisis, so I can manage. I can do this.

[Music lady]

Ok, it's been a while, so thought I'd do an update.

It's looking a bit more hopeful for me to carry on seeing my counsellor, but I'll just have to wait and see for definite.

Since my last post, I have had a few struggles. I've had another relatives counsellor try to diagnose me without even seeing me. After this I struggled lots. My family started to bring things up that I struggle to talk about, without seeming to care about my feelings. The way they were talking about my experiences, they could have been discussing the weather, which wasn't very helpful. It's taken a while to try and get myself in a better place.

I can remember telling my mum about my ex, but now she tells me she didn't realise what he did to me. She thought he had 'just' tried it on. She went on to say that had she have known, she'd have been there for me. I guess at least I got an admission that she wasn't there for me. It just makes me cross that she knew how much I was hurting, yet wasn't there for me.

My mum now knows that I'm dealing with childhood issues as well as my ex bf. Her and my dad seem keen to find out what I remember about my past. They've told me 'they need to know what they've done, no matter how upsetting it is'. I'm just not ready to discuss it with them. It's still too raw and painful.

[Jess]

Music lady I saw this post and although am in no position to give you any advise (as you know), I just wanted to offer some sort of support, as you have done with me.

I'm so sorry your family can't support you like you need them to, I never told my family what happened to me- you are very brave and strong. I have a strange relationship with my parents especially with my mother and despite talking daily I don't tell her anything important. I've learnt when I do share anything with her to manage my expectations, I know she loves me but she seems to lack a maternal instinct. It's probably not the right thing to do but I try not to expect too much from people who let you down repeatedly. It's only hurtful to you, it doesn't mean that they don't love you though, just some people can't show love how we need them to.

I'm pleased you have some closure on your mothers admission but by not supporting you when you needed it she let you down and that's hard, so any anger is understandable. Remember though that it was her mistake not yours so don't give it too much space in your mind.
Your family discussing your life so casually is so awful when it takes so much courage to tell people what has happened in the first place, I'm not surprised it took you a while to get into a better place.

I want you to know I really admire how you are sorting through your emotions the hard way by dealing with them properly and how you've managed to get help for that as well. I hope in a few months I can understand how you manage to do this.

[Music lady]

I just wanted to apologise for not being here. I thought that after a break I'd be ok to come back, but I still dont feel ready to come back and support others on here.

Someone I've started working with recently has been accused by a minor. This colleague reminds me so much of my ex boyfriend anyway, and the accusation just makes it harder. I'm trying my best to keep an open mind and to stay out of their way as much as I can.

I'm hoping I'll be able to come back here soon.

Sorry again for not being here.

[Casehardened]

It's good to hear from you and it will be great to see you posting again on a regular basis when you feel able to.

I'm always reminded of another member's remark that this forum is like the 'Hotel California'; you can check out but you can never leave