A feelings rants type post...

[welshgirl]

Sorry if this is an overreaction, but I need to vent!

I was listening to the news, when the update on Stuart Hall's trial came on. Made me feel so cross. One of the girls was asked if she consented. She replied 'I wasn't tied down and r*ped if that's what you mean'
She was then asked 'Did you feel flattered and seduced?'

My ex used flattery, which I fell for. Made me feel that he was saying I deserved it. That because I fell for flattery, I somehow consented. I said NO!! He told me things that I hadn't been told before. For the first time in my life, he made me feel beautiful. Why would someone even suggest that it could be taken as consent? He manipulated the situation. He saw a vulnerable and naive teen, how is that my fault? This is part of the reason I've never reported him.

Sorry if this upsets anyone, I just had to get it out.

Hey Music Lady,

Sorry only catching up with your post now. Sorry that your manipulative ex preyed on your vulnerability. Being so young also, no wonder you fell for his patter. That is not your fault so as hard as it is, please don't beat yourself up over it.

The news report obviously upset you and I can see why. What a stupid question mind in the first place. Some people are so thick and insensitive it beggars belief! It reminds me of the time the police were at my house. My ex had headbutted me, I had blood all over me. He looked around and enquired as to what my ex did, when I said engineer. He actually said that I had a nice life there!! Meaning the house I think more than anything. Never mind being beaten almost daily. Crazy !!

You didn't deserve it and you know that. Please remember that x

[Music lady]

Thanks for your reply WG. I hope you're ok as well.

I went for some training at work last week, and a whole load of feelings came up. My ptsd kicked my a@@ as well, which hasn't helped. I'm trying to pluck up the courage to e-mail my counsellor the details so I can discuss this with her. I'm starting to feel better now.

In some ways I'd like to know what is happening to me, but in other ways, I'd rather not know (does that even make sense?).I feel as though this healing journey is getting tougher. I wish it would hurry up and get easier. Really is tempting to just give up and not bother, but I think I'm now way past the point where I can give up. Now that I've started to unravel things, I don't think I can stop it even if I wanted to. I don't think I can do this without my counsellor now. Strange though isn't it? A year ago, I thought I could do this on my own. Some days feel like a struggle to get through. Just wish I knew how long this is going to take and what the outcome was going to be. Why can't our brains be fitted with a delete key? I'd be first in line to have one fitted. It would be so much easier to just delete my past, and carry on.

Still, onwards I go.....

[welshgirl]

A delete key?! Hmm yes I rather like the sound of that too sign me up! Would be great wouldn't it?!

Your journey sounds long and tough, but it will be so worthwhile in the end I'm sure. Hang in there you have come too far to go back. As corny as it sounds, I guess it really does have to get worse before it gets any better. At least your processing everything now instead of just locking it all away.

Keep going!

[Music lady]

Struggling a bit at the moment. Just feeling so overwhelmed. Last couple of weeks have been tough and stressful. All over the place emotionally at the moment. It has to get better, right?

I see my counsellor on Weds. I was going to e-mail her with one or two things I've been struggling with. I've sat down ready to type, but then My fingers won't work and a wall comes up.

Just feel as though I've had enough. I wish I could just give up and say 'well, I gave it a good go. I tried, but just couldn't go through it anymore.' I know I can't give up because my children deserve better. My counsellor has told me that I deserve better as well. To be honest, I've spent most of my life feeling worse than I do now. Admittedly, I have felt better, but this is all I've ever known. I can't miss what I've never had. I know it's not the attitude, but it's just how I feel at the moment.

My children are the only reason I'm carrying on with this journey. I need to do things differently.

I know I'm not the only one struggling on this forum. I just had to get this out of my head and I didn't know where else to put it. Sorry if that sounds selfish.

Sending to all in need, if ok.

[Music lady]

I went out with some friends last night. At the end of the night, a young lad came up to me and told me we used to work together. He obviously knew me, but I have no recollection of who he is at all. He told me that he really liked me and that I was his favourite there. He told me he left 6 years ago. His Uncle then came over and asked me how I knew his nephew. I didn't know how to answer, as I don't remember.

I've still no idea who he is....Just feels really weird.

Has anybody else had this kind of experience?

[myhome]

That sounds very disconcerting....I had a similar experience years ago out to dinner (can't remember who with now) and the waiter greeted me by name and said we had been at school together and recounted some incident we'd both been in and I had absolutely no clue who he was even when he told me his name....I was really embarrassed....

[Music lady]

Thanks MH, it's good to know it's not just me It is embarrassing when it happens.

I've succeeded with another first! I've been seeing my counsellor for a little over a year now. When I first started seeing her, she told me that I could e-mail her in between sessions if I needed to. It's taken me until now to pluck up the courage to to do it!

The reason why I had to e-mail her was because I couldn't make my next appointment, and I had a question I really needed to ask. If I didn't have to reschedule my next appointment, I still wouldn't have sent an e-mail to her.

After sending the e-mail, I felt vulnerable and scared. I think it's because in the past, no one has helped me with the majority of the problems I have had. It has always been left for me to deal with on my own. Now here I am putting my trust in someone else to help me, and that's very scary and overwhelming at times.

Hopefully, now I've done it once, the next time I need to e-mail her, it will be easier! But I guess we'll wait and see........

[Music lady]

I've sent my counsellor a very painful letter I've written to my ex. Not sure how I feel about it to be honest. Just hope I've done the right thing. I see her next week, so I guess I'll find out then. I've kind of laid my feelings out for her to see. Such a scary thing to do. I'm normally quite reserved and controlled when I see my counsellor.

[Music lady]

I've decided to have my own Mantra after feeling myself slipping lower and lower last night.

I'm not my past. My past will not break me. I am stronger than what's happened to me. I survived.

Thought I'd post it in case it helps anyone else. Feel free to adapt it if you wish.

[myhome]

That is absolutely brilliant - well done you - sounds like you've made an enormous step forward

[Music lady]

Thanks MH, I really hope so.

[Music lady]

Sorry I haven't been on here much. I'm trying to decide whether to report my ex or not. It's played on my mind for years now. I've always decided not to because it's his word against mine. Always been in the mind set that as he worked with members of the public, young and old, I wouldn't be believed. Plus, he seems to have a few people who feel sorry for him round here because his childhood wasn't great. I know that in court having a bad childhood is taken into account.

Since then, I've wondered if I could report to support someone else (if there are any other allegations made against him.

Just not sure if I can go through with it. It's still too painful to talk about So, I'm trying to work out my options. Really don't know what to do. *sigh*

I have other things going on as well. My head just feels full!Thankfully I see my counsellor on Monday

[Indigo]

Sounds like your on a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment.
I think you need to settle yourself first before moving forward, which will take time.

Keep seeing the counsellor, or change them if you feel your not making any progress, I saw 4 different
ones now but the last on was excellent.

Family often do not understand what you are going through, or simply turn a blind eye as they don't want
to get involved, sad but true.
But that's what we are here for, we have lived it, been through it, survived it an we have all questioned it.
Unless something like this has happened to you then it's doubtful they will understand it or even want too.

The old quotes of "one day at a time" blah blah washes over you like nothing, pointless saying.
But in the end it is true, Time heals all and it does as your mind switches to other things of more importance.
At the moment you are consumed by this and that is all you are focused on.

So you need to set goals for yourself, read a book, go for a long walk, go on holiday, go somewhere you have never been
see something you have never seen, an keep doing it day after day until you feel you are ready to deal with your demons.

They don't and won't define who you are, but until you reach the point where you can talk about it without getting upset
or angry then your not ready to survive it. That my dear Music Lady is what you are aiming for and I wish you all the luck
and a listening ear should you need it.

[Music lady]

Thank you for your reply Indigo. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply.

I feel as though I am making progress. It's just a hard journey at times. Not really helped by the fact that I have lots in my past to deal with, not just my ex bf. but hey ho, it is what it is and I'll get through it.

My parents don't even try to understand me. I feel as though I have never fit into their family, and simply put, they just don't care about me. Sad, but true. But that's another story, and a long one!

I've been a survivor now for 17 years. It all came to the surface when I bumped into my ex bf last year. Before that, I would tell myself not to think about it and squash it back into the depths of my mind.

Now it doesn't matter what I do, it's there. I have good days and bad days. At the moment, I feel as though I'm just holding on. Life has had other ideas just lately. Lots going on, and it all needs my attention. My eldest is back and forth to the hospital, I have my job appraisal coming up, important meetings looming, it just doesn't seem to end.

Having time off work isn't an option because the emotional burden seems to ease at work. It kind of gives me a purpose (if that makes sense)

I'm keeping myself going by getting myself and my children out of the house. I've put my decision about reporting my ex on hold for now. I'll get myself through this testing time first.

I see my counsellor once a month. It's too expensive to see her more often. As the song goes, I will survive.

Thanks again for your reply. I am ok, just need to let off a bit of steam now and then. Always feels better after I've vented a bit :heart

[Music lady]

I've found a song that kind of sums up how I feel most days. Here's the link.

http://youtu.be/-K7a-XckOt4

I hope it works. I'm known for being a cheery person. Nobody can see the times I hurt inside and just want to hide from the world. My smile hides it all.