Why do I feel like I was the one who committed a crime?

[febes]

I have figured out my problem. The reason I cannot move on. At least I think that is the reason. I feel guilty for being raped. My dad was angry at me my sons grandparents told me not to be silly as when I had to tell them it was two weeks later. None of my friends would help the police with their enquiries. So I feel guilty. I feel as if I did something wrong.

And on top of that I have found another problem. I am afraid of sex. I have only had in the 4 years since it happened one comfortably sexual relationship because I trusted the man and felt it was ok for me to say 'no' and that my request would also be honoured. I have had plenty of sexual encounters but they have just left me feeling empty and worthless whereas with this one man it was good. And now I am on the singles scene again sex is something that frightens me. I feel it is something I HAVE to do to get/keep a man. I know in my mind that this is wrong but it doesn't stop me feeling it.

Well am glad to get that off my chest. Would be nice to feel like I am not alone though.

[Laura H]

Hey, me again! Maybe we've got some kind of spiritual link or something!!

I'm sorry you didn't get the support from your friends and family that you needed. I volunteer for Victim Support, who just listen to people who have been victims of crime and are always there if someone needs to talk. You could try giving your local office a call. (It'll be in the phone book).

I felt the same way for a long time about having to have sex to get/keep a man, or even just to feel loved for a little while. Takes a few empty meaningless '**** - where am i?' moments before you realise that the men worth getting/keeping WILL take no for an answer and be happy with it. I didn't have sex with my current boyfriend for 3 months after we met because i really liked him and didn't want sex to be all our relationship was based on. Funny thing is - he said to me that he respected me a whole lot more for saying no and having the will power in some heated situations and that is partly why he fell in love with me. We both honestly believe that if we'd jumped in to bed it would've just been a quick fling.

I really hope that you find the love and support you obviously want and need from someone, but really, sex is not the answer unless its an expression of something and not just meaningless.

Good luck - and still sending you those hugs.

Lau xx

[diana_holbourn]

Febes, even if you got yourself into a compromising situation, you still can't rightly blame yourself for other people's actions. Rapists like to manipulate people into just such situations so their victims will take the blame for what happened or they can argue it was the victim's fault. It can be all part of their sadistic modus operandi. They can very deliberately plan it that way. It might help you feel less guilty if you think about the reasons you behaved the way you did in the sequence of events that led up to what happened. Even if you think you didn't behave very sensibly, there are probably reasons why you did that you can't hold yourself entirely responsible for, and it's highly unlikely that you'd have had any idea of what his intentions were, so while you may be able to look back in hindsight and say you shouldn't have behaved like that, knowing what you knew at the time, you couldn't have made that judgment, because you didn't know all the facts, like how he was going to behave. And consider that the people who were angry or seemed uncaring about what happened afterwards would have been able to make judgments with the benefit of hindsight, a luxury you didn't have before it happened. So it would have been easy for them to say what they said, but not so easy for you to have avoided the situation beforehand. The attacker's the one who should take the blame for his actions, not you.

Do you think the reason you think you have to have sex to get or keep a man is because of low self-worth? If so, you've probably got a lot more things to offer to a relationship than that. How about having a really good think over your life for any talents and abilities you have, and any good personality traits you have, and any times you've done things you can be pleased about. Write down everything you can think of and stick it on your wall or somewhere where you'll look at it often, to encourage yourself that you have a lot to offer after all. You can add to the list every time you think of something new in the coming weeks and months, so even if not much comes to mind at first, it might when you really start thinking about it over time.

The only men who'd refuse to go out with you for not having sex with them right away are men who wouldn't respect you. I'm sure you deserve a better man than that. Wouldn't it be better to be single than to have a man who doesn't respect you enough to honour your wishes when it comes to having sex? Why not behave as if you deserve a better man than that for the next few months and see what happens?

[febes]

sorry not been around lately been very busy !!!!

Laura h : Surely after so long victim support couldn't help me?

Diana : Blimey&#33;&#33; A lot of what you said has been through my mind so often and low self worth probably hits the nail on the head&#33; I am happy being single now. Since my split from my recent boyfriend have had a few &#39;flings&#39; which just get me down. But another thing I have realised (thanks to Pete [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img] ) is that the men I really want I WILL hold out for&#33;&#33; People I don&#39;t care about I just give a life history etc. But those I really want I am all quiet and don&#39;t give anything away. Recently I met a man who I told about my rape when extremely drunk&#33; Don&#39;t remember much but I know I told him how I was scared to take an HIV test and probably never would have had it done had I not fell pregnant with my son. I am happy to say the test was negative and I told him this but he has given me a wide berth since&#33; Nothing happened just a few kisses. But I feel he was thinking &#39;Puts it around. Steer clear&#33;&#39; but whether I do or did put it around I was still raped and I am slowly beginning to realise I had no control over it.

I find it difficult to think that he &#39;planned&#39; mainly because of my stereotypical beliefs of what rape is and he was my boyfriend. But he knew something because even before I had comprehended what had happened he was telling every one I was saying he had raped me, when all I said was &#39;why didn&#39;t you stop?&#39;.

Sometimes I hate him, sometimes I don&#39;t believe he was wrong. I feel that with this site and a few close friends I am eventually coming to terms with what happened, but the end is a very long way away [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif[/img]

Thankyou for your support and your input xxx

[lost angel]

sexual intercorse. i have tried with a man i fully trust and still i cant bring myself to go threw with it. its normal though. ive been able to say no and im glad i have. if a man really cares for you he will wait till your ready. dont you agree. friends well its times like these you find out who your true friends are. keep your chins up love laura x x x

[Laura H]

Hi babe,

Sorry I haven't been around for such a long time. I'm supporting a woman now who was the victim of a crime over 10 years ago. You'd be amazed. Honestly, just give your local office a call, no one will judge you, they're just there to listen hon xxxx