Why do people think I got off lightly?

[Laura H]

Hi, this is the first time I have ever posted anything so sorry it's a bit rambling. Got a lot to get out.

Last August after giving an old school friend a lift home, he tried to rape me. I manged to fight him off and left. It took a week to report it to the police because I wasn't sure in my own mind what had really happened. When I did report it and gave my statement, I realised that he was guilty of attempted rape and deserved to punished, and that i hadn't led him on in anyway.

The police were fantastic and arrested him very quickly, but the CPS dropped the charges due to lack of evidence. I always knew that it would come down to my word against his and wasn't really ever expecting it to go to court. The only reason i pressed charges in the first place was to make him feel as powerless and scared as I did.

I honestly thought that I had dealt with what had happened, and even though I will never forget it, be able to move on and it not occupy my mind all the time. After the event my friends and family were so supportive it made thinks much easier for me. But lately, when I do get angry (which tends to happen when I see him walking around without a care in the world) apart from one, my friends don't get it anymore. I actually overheard one of them say "why is she still making a big deal about this? It's not like anything actually happened. She wasn't actually raped". This really hurt, but seems to be the general consensus.

What really makes me mad is the 'count yourself lucky, it could've been worse' attitude. I don't feel lucky, and yes it could have been worse, but what happened is bad enough and I haven't dealt with it as easily and quickly as I thought I had. Sometimes I find myself wishing I hadn't been able to fight him off, then that way people would understand more and be prepared to listen no matter how it long it takes me to get past it.

I guess what I want to know is, has anyone encountered similar issues? What did you do? I guess I just don't want to feel like I'm alone and the only one.

Thank you

Laura xx

[diana_holbourn]

Sorry to hear about what happened.

It must have been especially upsetting since you thought you could trust him and that he was a friend. You must have felt betrayed as well as powerless and scared, and that can be a horrible feeling. And feeling scared and powerless is bad enough even if you're not raped. It can upset people for a very long time, especially if they allow themselves to dwell on what might have happened. And the fact that it happened so suddenly and unexpectedly is one thing that makes these things traumatic. It would have been a loss of control or a threatened serious loss of control that was totally unpredicted, and that can be very disconcerting, because people like to be confident that they're in control of their lives and what happens to them.

Perhaps your friends just have no comprehension of all these issues, because it's never happened to them so they don't know what it's like, so they don't understand why it should be affecting you this long afterwards.

There's a saying, "Living well is the best revenge". One way to stop yourself feeling so angry and to stop yourself being preoccupied with thoughts of him may be to focus on doing as much as you can to make your future as bright as possible. You may be able to look back in ten years' time and get some satisfaction from the thought that you ended up thriving despite what he tried to do to you. Perhaps it could help if you write down all the things you can think of that you'd like to do in the future, and then devote time to thinking through what you could do, little by little, to achieve those things.

[febes]

Hey hunni

So sorry what you went through. I was raped 4 years ago and 2 months ago i let a salesman into my home and he sexually assaulted me in my kitchen whilst my 8 month old son was plying in the other room. I had a boyfriend at the time and I told him because the man was also stalking me. I confided in a friend one night when he was sat outside the flat, but I am lucky as I know a police officer who gave me the right advice of going to the police. But I left it a whole month. Like you i felt puzzled. I was scared naturally because of the rape. I ended up having him done for harrassment and let the sexual assault drop.

But at the end of the day, whether you were raped, touched intimately or whatever and didn't want it to happen it can be quite scary and emotionally scarring. I would love to give you advice but as I am hopeless at dealing with my own situation I can't offer any real good advice

All I can do is be hear and send you internet hugs and support you

And as far as the count yourself lucky bit, should all of us who have survived rape count ourselves lucky we weren't murdered/impregnated/hurt more seriously?

NO!

I don't count myself lucky! He made my depression worse and I started self harming! My mother was also raped and my sister is that mans daughter and the only way she got through it was learning to live with it. But I see my mum as 'lucky' cos aftre it happened to me i wondered how she coped and she said she had to because of the baby! you will find a way to live with it. You will never forget, but like most things you have to learn to live with it somehow. Can I ask have you actually accepted that it did happen? That is my big downfall in both cases, so although I know it happened it isn't 'real' to me if you get what i mean.

Hugs to you hun

Febes

[Laura H]

Thank you so much for your support. It's good to know that I'm not the only one with these feelings.

To answer your question, yes I do believe that it happened, I have accepted it and am trying to move on. You're right, you never forget, but like grief, it gets easier every day. I've stopped questioning myself now. I know what happened to me, whether he realises what he was doing or not. The important thing for me is that I've stopped feeling ashamed about it now. It wasn't my fault at all. This was something that was done to me, and definitley not with my consent. That makes things easier to deal with.

Since the last time i posted, i confided in a girl at work who i wasn't particularly close to before when we were drunk one night. It turns out that she had had a similar experience when she was at school and understands exactly how I'm feeling. This has helped with the situation with friends who don't understand as I've now got someone who wants to listen and knows how long it can take. I like to think that I'm also helping her in some way too by listening to her story, which makes me feel even better about myself.

I wish I could offer you some advice Febes, but only you know what is going to help you. I'll keep sending you good vibes and internet hugs and hope that they're helping a little. Remember that even if you don't love yourself right now there is always someone out there that does (espeicially your little baby) I hope you find comfort in your family xxx

[febes]

thankyou also for your kind words laura h. to be honest I think i am beyond help. On a desperate night I confided in a friend and poured my heart out but there is still so much to talk about and say I just can&#39;t do it though. Coming to this site and reading other peoples stories and being to listen and hopefully help in someway is about all i can do. Rape is everywhere in the media and that makes me confront it internally. Maybe I can reach the point you are at one day. It is my secret now, I feel that i have done too much talking. I will keep coming here and trying to help others and maybe post myself [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img] Glad you have found someone to talk to hun

(((((HUGS)))))

[Laura H]

Keep talking honey - it&#39;ll help you make sense in your own mind. Just a thought, but you have been through such a traumatic event (and not just once) - maybe see a doctor? Get referred to a proper counsellor or therapist. Maybe they&#39;ll help you through. xx

[Unregistered]

Attempted rape is as serious as rape on many levels. This person intended to rape you the fact that they did not manage the act of rape does not take away the horror of the situation. People who have not experienced rape or attempted rape often find it hard to deal with, because they know it could happen to them, what your friends say may be hurtful, but it is because they feel that not talking about something will make it a less serious situation. Often people like to deny that a crime like this exists because then they would have to admit that it could happen to them at any time, because it happened to someone they knew. Don't worry about their comments just realise that it is never your fault and that you are a strong survivor.