rape

[scared]

hi,i decided to email the refugee placement on tuesday and tell them i wont be starting there.i feel better for doing that as ive made a concrete decision,which felt like the right one,so i am trusting my judgement,i hope things turn out ok! I had an email from my dance teacher on tuesday night,saying that i just missed her when i phoned her at home on tuesday evening as she had set out to teach the beginners class.She said that she had lost her mobile 3 weeks ago,so wouldnt have got my texts.She also said that she didnt get any details off them until 6 that night,so just she went along with noone else,as it seemed like just a small event.So it seems i got cross with her for no reason,nevermind.I was thinking about my claustrophobia,and the only thoughts i have ever had,are that are dont like being closed in,and not being able to get out.Nothing else goes through my head,just the physical symptoms.I dont always have a window open at home,but i usually have the back door open in warmer weather.I have not had many attacks at home as i feel safe there,apart from ones where i dont want to go out of the house.i think i stay in bad frienships sometimes as i must get something out of being their friend positive,and in my mind that overides any negative stuff.However lately,i have been better at not putting up wiht bad treatment from anybody,so this is less of a problem now.I went to the doctors today as i have a problem with my ears.I get a feeling of them being blocked,or experience pressure changes,as i was told last week by a nurse that i have fluid behind my eardrums.I also get a bit of earache.I was prescribed a nasal spray last week,but it hasnt helped.The doctor looked at them again today,and said that i should give the spray a longer try,or use olbas to inhale deeply,or chewing gum.But i was a bit upset that she said that it may not get any better,or if it did that it may take a long time.It is an uncomfortable sensation,i get it a lot when im doing yoga,and deep breathing,although it seems ok when im dancing.i will have to keep trying those things i suppose.i am not going to leave my dancing class as i really enjoy it,and my teacher has improved with her communication in the last year,and is a lot better generally in letting me know about gigs.what shall i do about my daughters aunt,and what happened on the phone the other night,im not sure what to do?

[diana_holbourn]

It might be best to wait till the aunt gets your letter asking if she could be more gentle with you and seeing what she says and whether she changes at all before deciding what to do.

Can you think of any thoughts that quickly went through your head the other day when you had a panic attack when the window was closed? Do you think your panic attack could have been brought on partly by worrying that you were about to panic because you expected to?

It's good that you're becoming less willing to put up with bad treatment. Can you think of anything that's helping you be like that? Can you think of things you could do to comfort yourself when you feel down that would mean you didn't feel the need to get support from others so much?

I hope your doctor puts you on something different for your ears if what you're on now still doesn't work after a while. I think eating as healthily as possible can help with fluid in the ear sometimes, with a balanced diet.

[scared]

the only thought that went through my head was that she had closed the window,and i realised that they were all closed.i didnt mind her closing it until i realised that they were all closed.no,i didnt worry that i was going to panic,that thought never entered my head,just about the windows.Yes i will wait until she has read my letter,as im still a bit angry about how she was on the phone the other night,as when she was trying to point out the positives in my life,she made some comments about the positive thinks that her brother (my daughters dad) had done like 'he gave you a baby',and said that he treated me well and looked after me (apart from lying and everything about his life being fantasy).Those things were true,but she said them almost as if it was just me who wanted a baby with him.I felt like maybe she was thinking that i wanted to be with him to have a baby.She has said several times before 'what did you see in him'.As he wasnt very good looking,and i told her that i was attracted to his childlike qualities,and that we should have stayed friends.This was because i was never really sexually attracted to him.She said that i must have been at some point.But i would say that i had sex with him because i wanted to feel loved,and cared for,as i didn enjoy sex with him (as i was beginning to realise that i was gay).She said all that in weston recently,but has asked me what i saw in him 2 years ago when we last saw each other.I may be wrong nut im wondering if she thinks that i wanted to trap him,for a baby or money (which he didnt have).I have never really told her much about our relationship,maybe if i did she would understand more from my position.I just dont know what to do when she next phones,as im not sure if she will give me the support i need,or not.
The thing im doing not to put up with bad treatment is not to want to get involved with anyone,as im not ready for that.I never get to meet women anyway,as there no gay scene here.I have met some online before,but cant risk that at the moment.I can comfort myself by playing my guitar or writing,as ive started to write a book.I have been so creative lately,since ive had more time at home,i feel like ive got in touch with something id thought id lost,which is great.Still doesnt help with my feelings much though.

[diana_holbourn]

It may be that your brain's so used to starting a panic attack when it notices windows are closed and things that it doesn't wait for you to think much before it starts one, because it thinks it needs to start one when that kind of thing happens because it's got so used to doing that that it does it automatically. If you can work out what triggers the panic attacks off, then you might be able to avoid them, if as soon as something like that happens, you make a great effort to focus your attention on things that are going on around you, to distract yourself from what's just happened, so your brain will hopefully stop the old pattern of starting a panic attack. You could perhaps do things like count the number of people wearing a certain type of clothing or wearing certain colours. There may be lots of different things you could try. Or you could do things in your mind like counting backwards from a thousand in eights or nines or some other number.

You could try breathing slowly rather than deeply. Breathing doesn't have to be deep to be relaxing; breathing in a slow even rhythm can be relaxing.

Maybe when the aunt phones next, you could ask her straightaway what she thought of what you said in the letter, so you get straight on to the topic of how you'd like her to treat you in the future. It's all very well being positive, but when it gets to the stage where people's expression of feelings isn't being heard, it's too much. So it sounds as if it would be nice if she could listen more.

Do you think that if you had more self-worth and self-confidence, you'd feel happier on your own so you wouldn't feel the need to stay in relationships where you were being treated with kindness some of the time but being treated badly at other times? Or if you knew you could make yourself feel better when you feel down, would you feel the need to be with someone else who could do that?

[scared]

hi,yes i could try that when i get a panic attack,but the thing is,they usually come on so quickly that i dont have time to change my thoughts before i get the panicky feeling.They are getting better though,as sometimes when i tell myself its a panic attack and talk to myself in my mind they dont get as bad as they used to.But the thing im finding,is that because i feel more confident going out on my own now,as long as men dont invade my space or try to come on to me,then when i get a panic attack it takes me out of the blue,as im not expecting to have them,so they really throw me.And can sometimes be more intense.I think that maybe my counselling may be triggering them now,as i had one on the way there,and one the next day at my yoga class,but i managed not to let it show too much.I will ask her about the letter when she phones,she should have got it on weds or thursday,and hasnt rung me yet.is that ominus?I am glad i wrote the letter as i still find her forthrightness a bit scary on the phone,so i got to say what i wanted to uninterrupted.I just hope she understands what i am saying and doesnt take offence.I was just going to put on here 'i dont want her to think i dont appreciate the support shes given me'.But then i realised that i cant control what anyone thinks,so theres no point worrying about it is there? I am beginning to think more logically than i have done before.I think my illogical thinking has caused me many argements with friends etc.I have realised at counselling recently,that i always thought that i didnt care what people thought of me,but then i realised that i did too much because the counsellor pointed out that i an always saying things like 'this might sound stupid but',and devaluing my own feelings,and saying things like 'i should do this or that'.I need to work on not saying those things anymore.As my counsellor said last week,'thats how you felt',after she had listened to me tell her about my last panic attack.And i thought thats right,why should i think that my feelings are stupid,they're not.I feel like my confidence has improved,although i was disappoiinted last couselling session when my counsellor was talking about my low confidence as i thought 'i feel more confident than that'.
I felt really awful yesterday,as my mum was telling me that my sister in law was upset on the phone,taling about her friend who had died the year before.And she was meeting with a group of friends,and it would have been the first time her friend wouldnt be there with them.My mum said that 'she still gets upset by it'.And that it was hard for her etc.And i thought,yes that muct be awful for her.I thought if only my mum knew what had happened to me,im sure she would give me support.She has no idea,and i could never tell her as she would be devastated,and she has had cancer in the past,which she thinks was brought on by the stress of my sister leaving the family and becoming estranged.It is so hard that they dont know sometimes,my mum and dad,as they expect me to do things and they have no idea of what im going through.

[scared]

everytime my mum talks about my daughter being safe i dont know what to do,i feel so awkward.Although i have my counsellors support in dealing with this,i only have two more sessions left,and have only told a couple of close friends,and one has her own mental health issues so i cant talk to her so much.My other friend said when i told her a couple of months ago that she would drop everything to help me.But i know she works full time and is busy socially,so i feel guilty for bothering her.I know that she says to ring or email whenever i want,but i still feel like im dealing with this alone,apart from your support,which has been very important to me.My daughters aunt hasnt rung yet,and i feel so lonely with all this sometimes.,Although im starting to get stronger i still cant accept that it wil always be there,i just want it to go away..

[scared]

i also tried to ring my older male friend who i fell out with last night,but i didnt get through.i am glad i didnt know,as our relationship is not good for me,as when he is supportive its great,but i know i cant depend on him to be there for me when i need him to be,as hes very busy,and can say that im hassling him when i am desperate.I just want to talk about how i feel to my daughters aunt,as she has been through it,to talk about my feelings.I have done in counselling,which has helped a lot,but i need to talk.i still feel angry,but mostly just numb,or feelings of being terrified at times when i think about things.I think that by distracting myself im making the panic attacks more intense,as they are letting out my true feelings,that im trying to push away.The other night,of the day i had counselling,i sat and cried so hard i thought i would die from a heart attack.And i keep getting these inappropriate thoughts about men i see,like thinking how scared id be if they were turned on by looking at me,so i have to tell my brain to shut up,for my own sanity.i suppose it is like what you said before to me,that when you worry about something,your mind comes up with all these thoughts that may not be true,because of the worry.

[scared]

i also keep thinking about men with erections,and how that scares me,because it makes them seem powerful.that probably seems wierd to you,but i get these wierd thoughts,and then i feel terrified after ive had them.does that makes sense?

[scared]

i dont think i explained my thoughts well in my last post.What i meant was that if i see a fil where a man is getting turned on my a woman,the idea of them being aroused feels really threatening to me.Its like if they have an erection,they have a power over women,if you see what i mean.i guess because i see men aound me as being powerful,everytime i pass one i like to think to myself 'you dont scare me',to try and make myself feel better.Although it did surprise me,when i saw a man with a 'pretty' face,you know, one of those attractive friendly faces working in the pharmacy at tescos a while ago,and i actually had a positive thought about a man,as i thought,'he looks friendly and seems nice'.which was the first positive thought id had about a man for a while.Then my mind starting saying stupid things like 'i bet you fancy him etc',because i do find people men or women with attractive friendly faces appealing.I didnt feel attracted to him sexually and am not interested in being with a man romantically or sexually.Or developing a friendship with a man,as i would be worried that he would fancy me and want to have sex with me.I have always found that my mind comes up with some stupid thoughts,like the one i had on the night i was raped which said 'i suppose ive got to sleep with a man sometime', which led me to intially say yes.How do i get rid of these stupid thoughts that just leap into my mind? i have had them for as long as i remember,and in the past i have acted on my thoughts to spontaneously do something,like buy something i really dont need,because my mind says 'go,buy it'.But i do not listen to these thoughts like that and others now.you said something a while ago about how when you worry excessively about something,it is common to believe that irrational thoughts are true,and to ask what they mean etc.I think you said not to pay attention to them,is that right? or to acknowlege them and let them go?
Its funny how your mind can come up with the strangest thoughts.Maybe the fact that i thought he looked friendly and nice was trying to tell me that i dont need to automatically hate all men just because they are men.what do u think?

[diana_holbourn]

It's good that your panic attacks are getting a bit better on the whole and that you're feeling more confident, and that you think your thought patterns are healthier.

Panic attacks are often a signal that something isn't right in a person's life that they need to do something about. Sometimes, people can think panic attacks come out of the blue, but if they keep a record of what happened just before they had each one, they work out a pattern of things that trigger them off. They can be things they hardly notice, but that the brain has trained itself to think of as signs to send out anxiety signals. When they've worked out what they are, the panic attacks aren't so unexpected, so they can do something about them each time before they get really bad, or they can do something to sort out the problem that triggers them off. For instance, I heard about a woman who kept having panic attacks on a bus, and she didn't understand why and thought they were coming out of the blue, but when she took notes of what had happened just before they came on, she realised they always came on just after the bus had passed a place to do with funerals, and she had a fear of death, and the reminder of it was what triggered the panic attacks. So she got therapy for her fear of death and then didn't have them any more. So maybe if you keep notes of what happens just before your unexpected panic attacks for a while, you'll notice a pattern of things that trigger them off that you can do something about once you recognise it, because you'll think of them as warning signs, and so maybe as soon as the signs happen, you'll be able to start reassuring yourself that you don't need to panic about them, or doing whatever else you think would be a good idea.

If it's your counselling triggering them off, what do you think it might be about your counselling that's doing it?

Maybe the aunt wants to think about the letter you sent for a while before responding. Even if she was offended or something, waiting a few days before she rings might be a good thing, because she'll hopefully have cooled down by the time she does. Or perhaps the letter just made her thoughtful or something without offending her at all, but she hasn't rung yet just because she's been busy.

Perhaps you could tell your mum what happened, but you could make it less stressful for her to hear by telling her about the progress towards recovery you're making in counselling, while saying she could help your progress even more by supporting you. If you can bring a few positive things into the conversation to soften the blow for her, like anything at all that's positive that's come out of it or just might in the future, it might make it easier for her to hear. One thing that causes stress is not knowing what to do about a situation or feeling it's beyond your ability to cope with it for some reason. But if you tell her specifically in what ways you'd like her to support you and they're things she could do without many problems and that would make her feel better because she'd know she was helping you, then hopefully, although she'll probably be upset at first, she won't feel too stressed for too long. Have a think about it anyway. Also, you could perhaps think about how to build up to telling her so she's warned that you have bad news to tell her so it isn't so sudden and so much of a shock when she first hears it.

It makes sense that you should have the thoughts you describe and then be scared by them. Some people find it helpful if they think of unwanted thoughts that intrude into their minds as having no significance at all. Worrying about the significance of thoughts and about what might happen if they're true can make them worse. But one way of dealing with them is to think of them as rubbish, just the products of a stressed or tired brain. So when a person has a thought like that, they can think something like, "Oh, there goes another distorted thought; my brain must be a bit stressed at the moment", And then just move on without worrying about it.

It's a good sign that you felt positively towards a man you saw.

Maybe another thing that could help you change your thinking patterns is if you regularly imagine how you'd feel if you were the one in a position of power over men who were in a position of weakness, for instance if you were a nurse and they were in hospital with broken arms and things and you were reassuring them they were going to be allright. It might be easier to do that if you think of men you've liked in the past, imagining having to care for them for some reason and them being scared because of something that's happened to them and you reassuring them and calming them down. That might be too hard to do at the times when you feel terrified by your thoughts, because redirecting them so drastically might be very difficult. But at other times, maybe you could spend time imagining a scene like that. Do you think it could work?

Also, I know you really hated the idea when I mentioned it before, but it might help you redirect your thought patterns onto more healthy and less anxious lines if you read stories about men showing softer sides, to help yourself feel less negative towards them. The idea might make you feel queazy at first because you don't feel like thinking of men in positive terms, but once you read a few stories, you might soften your attitude and so you won't be so bothered for a while by it, since you've said your negative attitude concerns you, and it might be easier to counsel men if you have to if you don't have such bad feelings towards them. I think it's worth a try anyway. For instance, here's a sample story of the variety I was talking about. It would probably take several for your thoughts towards men to change at all. The technique might not work for you, but see what you think anyway:

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>In an Instant
By Brad Lymburner

My parents were divorced when I was 2 years old. I stayed with my mom and didn&#39;t know what it meant to have a two parent home when I was little. Although my dad was a decent enough weekend dad, that was all he was. My mom worked her tail off raising me as a single mom, and made it so I never knew how broke we were or how tough she had it.

My world changed drastically when I was 8. My mom met and fell in love with someone named Jim, and of course she and I were a package deal. When they married, we moved a couple hours away to Indianapolis. I left friends, family, school -- all I had known.

Jim had been previously married and had two daughters, both of whom were grown with kids of their own. I didn&#39;t know what to expect or how we all would fit together -- what this man, already a grandfather, would do with a boy, 8 years old.

What I did know, very early on, was that I became his son that very first day he fell in love with my mom. I don&#39;t mean that he tried to replace my father -- who was still a good dad -- in any way. But from day one, I was his son, both to him and everyone he knew. He never used the term stepson; it was just, "This is my son, Brad."

He provided for us and made sacrifices. My mom became a stay-at-home mom when they married. Jim put me through private school, not because he was wealthy, but because it was his priority to give me the very best he could.

Jim had such an impact on my life through his fatherly example and is significantly responsible for the man that I became. He taught me what it meant to work: I have earned income outside my home, in some form, since I was 9 years old. He taught me what it meant to sacrifice. As much as he tried to hide the fact, I saw him go without so I could continue through private school and on into college.

I have my own children now and Jim couldn&#39;t love them more were they from his own blood. He is their Grandpa, and I can&#39;t wait to share tales about him with *their* children.

I will never forget his broken wrist playing basketball, or his broken arm playing football, obtained only because he cared enough to be involved with me. His waking from anesthesia after having his arm set created its own set of family stories that I can&#39;t quote here.

Most importantly, Jim taught me what it meant to love unconditionally. I could have been anything to him -- a nuisance, a tag-a-long, or a necessary burden. What I became to him, in an instant, was his son.[/b][/quote]

[scared]

hi.its wierd,but usually just before a panic attack im just going about my daily jobs,not thinking of anything in particular.Then i find they come on quite quickly,sometimes i get the feelings of terror and feeling like im going to die,without any thoughts going through my head at the time,just the feelings.It is difficult to describe.Sometimes i feel like i am making myself worse,by getting into a state by thinking how terrible something is etc.I was talking to my friend last night,who also gets irrational and intrusive thoughts,and we were telling each other the things we do when we get them,either rituals or things we avoid because of them.And it really helped to talk to her.What you said helps too,as what u said is true,worrying about their significance is something i do a lot,as i am very analytical.I try not to be.I have tried lately to either dismiss them,like you said,or to use my logical mind to talk over them,by immediately after ive had them,telling myself something completely different,or even singing a song in my head.And i am finding that the more i do that,the quicker they go away and dont linger in my mind.I have also tried singing a song in my head when im feeling anxious (not when panicking),and it stops me thinking about men looking at me,and other irrational thoughts.I also tend to say to myself when i see a man,that i am just so gorgeous and that is why hes looking at me,then i will say to myself,he cant have me,or anything to make me feel like i have power over him,rather than him over me.I understand what you&#39;re saying about telling my mum,but i cant do that.I have hinted to her about my panic attacks,without saying that im having them,just making odd comments to her occassionally about feeling anxious etc.And she has been aware that i have always been particular about certain things,rituals etc.She also knows about my agoraphobia/claustrophobia,but doesnt know that i get afraid to leave the house.I will ahve to wait til she rings me about the letter,as she is very busy.
I think that because as the weeks have gone by i have become more and more anxious that the sessions are nearly over maybe that made me panic.I have been more nervous going to sessions,and im so ancious to use the time i have left for what i need it for,as i know that when its finished,i wont be able to see her again.And because i really like her,it really upsets me to think that i wont see her again.I have so much i could tell her each week,but as we only have an hour,i have to prioritise what i bring,and dont always get to say everything i want to.I watched a panorama programme last night about rape trials in this country.I sat there really shocked and scared just watching it,particularly as everything they were saying about the polices misconceptions of what rape is and isn&#39;t was true.And i thought the women in it were so brave,to take it to trial,and get cross examined.I know i could have coped with that even if i had recognised at the time that i was raped.I cant believe that theres still a small part of me,that cant believe it happened to me.Iknow it was rape,but will i ever stop questioning the situation etc.Over the last week or so,i have started going over in my mind what happened,and i was raped,im sure about that.But its as if my brain cant let me accept it,because when i admit it to myself,the feelings are so bad i cant take it.I just feel so awful,i feel like i want to hide away again.On tuesday night last week,i cried so hard i could cry any more.And i cried again last night.But the wierd thing is,i feel like i want to cry sometimes,and no tears come out,i get the most awful feeling that i find hard to describe,like when i have the panic attacks.And i also feel terrified,and mostly just numb.I understood all the feelings the women were talking about on the prgoramme,i just thought,thats me,even though their rapes occurred in different situations.But i also found myself thinking,some of them were beaten up,my situation wasnt as bad.But then i think,no,it was just as bad,but i was coerced psyhcologically,and he betrayed my trust.And i have memories of being with him in a relationship,and how he constantly undermined and humiliated me.I guess i now see our whole relationship differently,as i recognise now how abusive he was,even when he seemed to be caring for me (which wasnt often).Actually,thinking about it i cant remember him ever being kind to me,unless he was doing it for his own selfish purposes,for what he could get out of me.I remember him saying things like &#39;i can make you squirt&#39;.when he put me over his knee to spank my bum.He obviously relished the fact that he thought by doing that he could turn me on.But i just remember feeling so humiliated at what he had done.And i remember him saying after i told him to stop,that he was being as gentle as he could,and explaining that he had to stretch me to break my hymen.Do u think that he was sadistic? I have to stop now,as im starting to feel queasy. I also had a nice email from my yoga teacher today,suggesting that i do the relaxation by the door,and saying that she hopes i come back,as she knows im going through a fifficult time at the moment (athough she doesnt know why).Why have i started going over things in my mind again,when i had started to feel a bit stronger? sometimes i feel like im regressing to how i was when the memories first came up.i am really scared [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/helpsmilie.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/ohmy.gif[/img]

[scared]

hi.its wierd,but usually just before a panic attack im just going about my daily jobs,not thinking of anything in particular.Then i find they come on quite quickly,sometimes i get the feelings of terror and feeling like im going to die,without any thoughts going through my head at the time,just the feelings.It is difficult to describe.Sometimes i feel like i am making myself worse,by getting into a state by thinking how terrible something is etc.I was talking to my friend last night,who also gets irrational and intrusive thoughts,and we were telling each other the things we do when we get them,either rituals or things we avoid because of them.And it really helped to talk to her.What you said helps too,as what u said is true,worrying about their significance is something i do a lot,as i am very analytical.I try not to be.I have tried lately to either dismiss them,like you said,or to use my logical mind to talk over them,by immediately after ive had them,telling myself something completely different,or even singing a song in my head.And i am finding that the more i do that,the quicker they go away and dont linger in my mind.I have also tried singing a song in my head when im feeling anxious (not when panicking),and it stops me thinking about men looking at me,and other irrational thoughts.I also tend to say to myself when i see a man,that i am just so gorgeous and that is why hes looking at me,then i will say to myself,he cant have me,or anything to make me feel like i have power over him,rather than him over me.I understand what you&#39;re saying about telling my mum,but i cant do that.I have hinted to her about my panic attacks,without saying that im having them,just making odd comments to her occassionally about feeling anxious etc.And she has been aware that i have always been particular about certain things,rituals etc.She also knows about my agoraphobia/claustrophobia,but doesnt know that i get afraid to leave the house.I will ahve to wait til she rings me about the letter,as she is very busy.
I think that because as the weeks have gone by i have become more and more anxious that the sessions are nearly over maybe that made me panic.I have been more nervous going to sessions,and im so ancious to use the time i have left for what i need it for,as i know that when its finished,i wont be able to see her again.And because i really like her,it really upsets me to think that i wont see her again.I have so much i could tell her each week,but as we only have an hour,i have to prioritise what i bring,and dont always get to say everything i want to.I watched a panorama programme last night about rape trials in this country.I sat there really shocked and scared just watching it,particularly as everything they were saying about the polices misconceptions of what rape is and isn&#39;t was true.And i thought the women in it were so brave,to take it to trial,and get cross examined.I know i could have coped with that even if i had recognised at the time that i was raped.I cant believe that theres still a small part of me,that cant believe it happened to me.Iknow it was rape,but will i ever stop questioning the situation etc.Over the last week or so,i have started going over in my mind what happened,and i was raped,im sure about that.But its as if my brain cant let me accept it,because when i admit it to myself,the feelings are so bad i cant take it.I just feel so awful,i feel like i want to hide away again.On tuesday night last week,i cried so hard i could cry any more.And i cried again last night.But the wierd thing is,i feel like i want to cry sometimes,and no tears come out,i get the most awful feeling that i find hard to describe,like when i have the panic attacks.And i also feel terrified,and mostly just numb.I understood all the feelings the women were talking about on the prgoramme,i just thought,thats me,even though their rapes occurred in different situations.But i also found myself thinking,some of them were beaten up,my situation wasnt as bad.But then i think,no,it was just as bad,but i was coerced psyhcologically,and he betrayed my trust.And i have memories of being with him in a relationship,and how he constantly undermined and humiliated me.I guess i now see our whole relationship differently,as i recognise now how abusive he was,even when he seemed to be caring for me (which wasnt often).Actually,thinking about it i cant remember him ever being kind to me,unless he was doing it for his own selfish purposes,for what he could get out of me.I remember him saying things like &#39;i can make you squirt&#39;.when he put me over his knee to spank my bum.He obviously relished the fact that he thought by doing that he could turn me on.But i just remember feeling so humiliated at what he had done.And i remember him saying after i told him to stop,that he was being as gentle as he could,and explaining that he had to stretch me to break my hymen.Do u think that he was sadistic? I have to stop now,as im starting to feel queasy. I also had a nice email from my yoga teacher today,suggesting that i do the relaxation by the door,and saying that she hopes i come back,as she knows im going through a fifficult time at the moment (athough she doesnt know why).Why have i started going over things in my mind again,when i had started to feel a bit stronger? sometimes i feel like im regressing to how i was when the memories first came up.i am really scared [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/helpsmilie.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/ohmy.gif[/img]

hi.its wierd,but usually just before a panic attack im just going about my daily jobs,not thinking of anything in particular.Then i find they come on quite quickly,sometimes i get the feelings of terror and feeling like im going to die,without any thoughts going through my head at the time,just the feelings.It is difficult to describe.Sometimes i feel like i am making myself worse,by getting into a state by thinking how terrible something is etc.I was talking to my friend last night,who also gets irrational and intrusive thoughts,and we were telling each other the things we do when we get them,either rituals or things we avoid because of them.And it really helped to talk to her.What you said helps too,as what u said is true,worrying about their significance is something i do a lot,as i am very analytical.I try not to be.I have tried lately to either dismiss them,like you said,or to use my logical mind to talk over them,by immediately after ive had them,telling myself something completely different,or even singing a song in my head.And i am finding that the more i do that,the quicker they go away and dont linger in my mind.I have also tried singing a song in my head when im feeling anxious (not when panicking),and it stops me thinking about men looking at me,and other irrational thoughts.I also tend to say to myself when i see a man,that i am just so gorgeous and that is why hes looking at me,then i will say to myself,he cant have me,or anything to make me feel like i have power over him,rather than him over me.I understand what you&#39;re saying about telling my mum,but i cant do that.I have hinted to her about my panic attacks,without saying that im having them,just making odd comments to her occassionally about feeling anxious etc.And she has been aware that i have always been particular about certain things,rituals etc.She also knows about my agoraphobia/claustrophobia,but doesnt know that i get afraid to leave the house.I will ahve to wait til she rings me about the letter,as she is very busy.
I think that because as the weeks have gone by i have become more and more anxious that the sessions are nearly over maybe that made me panic.I have been more nervous going to sessions,and im so ancious to use the time i have left for what i need it for,as i know that when its finished,i wont be able to see her again.And because i really like her,it really upsets me to think that i wont see her again.I have so much i could tell her each week,but as we only have an hour,i have to prioritise what i bring,and dont always get to say everything i want to.I watched a panorama programme last night about rape trials in this country.I sat there really shocked and scared just watching it,particularly as everything they were saying about the polices misconceptions of what rape is and isn&#39;t was true.And i thought the women in it were so brave,to take it to trial,and get cross examined.I know i could have coped with that even if i had recognised at the time that i was raped.I cant believe that theres still a small part of me,that cant believe it happened to me.Iknow it was rape,but will i ever stop questioning the situation etc.Over the last week or so,i have started going over in my mind what happened,and i was raped,im sure about that.But its as if my brain cant let me accept it,because when i admit it to myself,the feelings are so bad i cant take it.I just feel so awful,i feel like i want to hide away again.On tuesday night last week,i cried so hard i could cry any more.And i cried again last night.But the wierd thing is,i feel like i want to cry sometimes,and no tears come out,i get the most awful feeling that i find hard to describe,like when i have the panic attacks.And i also feel terrified,and mostly just numb.I understood all the feelings the women were talking about on the prgoramme,i just thought,thats me,even though their rapes occurred in different situations.But i also found myself thinking,some of them were beaten up,my situation wasnt as bad.But then i think,no,it was just as bad,but i was coerced psyhcologically,and he betrayed my trust.And i have memories of being with him in a relationship,and how he constantly undermined and humiliated me.I guess i now see our whole relationship differently,as i recognise now how abusive he was,even when he seemed to be caring for me (which wasnt often).Actually,thinking about it i cant remember him ever being kind to me,unless he was doing it for his own selfish purposes,for what he could get out of me.I remember him saying things like &#39;i can make you squirt&#39;.when he put me over his knee to spank my bum.He obviously relished the fact that he thought by doing that he could turn me on.But i just remember feeling so humiliated at what he had done.And i remember him saying after i told him to stop,that he was being as gentle as he could,and explaining that he had to stretch me to break my hymen.Do u think that he was sadistic? I have to stop now,as im starting to feel queasy. I also had a nice email from my yoga teacher today,suggesting that i do the relaxation by the door,and saying that she hopes i come back,as she knows im going through a fifficult time at the moment (athough she doesnt know why).Why have i started going over things in my mind again,when i had started to feel a bit stronger? sometimes i feel like im regressing to how i was when the memories first came up.i am really scared [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/helpsmilie.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/ohmy.gif[/img]

[scared]

i really need you help.Ive had another memory come back to me about what happened before i met my rapist.I think i told you that i joined a gay social group and had had a coulple of relationships with women at that time.Well after that,i had a placment for my nursing degree that i was doing at the time.The placement was at reaside,a medium secure unit for psychiatric patients,who had commited serious crimes,like paedophiles and murderers.I was placed on a rehabilitation unit,which was known as being a unit for people who were ready to be released,so the least violent unit.While i was there i got to know a nusring assistant called ron,who was quite unusual looking,and made me laugh.After a while he asked me to go out with him somewhere,i cant remember where,as my memory is patchy.i agreed even though i didnt fancy him,as i enjoyed his company.I then went back to his house on another occassion,and he was really nice and funny.I remember he lived in an unusual house,with black walls inside,and only ultraviolet lights everywhere,and he had an iguana in a tank under the stairs&#33; He also had snakes,rats etc in tanks.I found it all fascinating.anyway,he asked me to stay at his house,as he lived near the placement,to save me having an hour bus trip to get there.So i agreed.I remember smoking a lot of cannabis with him,and i think i kissed him sometimes when i was high.I dont really remember.I remember he kept asking me to sleep with him but i wouldnt,as i said i didnt fancy him like that,but just enjoyed his company.But what really disturbs me,is that i think he thought i was his girlfriend,as we spent a lot of time together,although i didnt think of him like that.Then i met my neighbour.the rapist,who moved in down the corridor.Then my neighbour came over one night,and he raped me.But because i didnt realise what he had done at the time,i actually felt guilty,about having sex with the rapist,because i didnt realise it was rape,although i knew something was very wrong,i blocked out those feelings.then i told the other guy i couldnt spent any more time with him,and at some point i started seeing the rapist.I dont know how long after,as i only remember these two events in that year.How could i think that i was breaking the other guys trust by having sex with the rapist? i dont understand how i could have thought that at the time.I suppose as i the rapsit told me after it happened that it was normal for first time sex to be like it was,and to bleed that much,he must have convinced me to doubt myself and the terror that i felt after it happened,as i pulled that covers off the bed after he had left.Thats the only thing i remember that i did afterwards,and even thats not a clear memory.And i vaguely remember going to unit the next day and feeling really ill,like i was coming down with something,and having this awful feeling.can u help me to understand it,please..

i really need you help.Ive had another memory come back to me about what happened before i met my rapist.I think i told you that i joined a gay social group and had had a coulple of relationships with women at that time.Well after that,i had a placment for my nursing degree that i was doing at the time.The placement was at reaside,a medium secure unit for psychiatric patients,who had commited serious crimes,like paedophiles and murderers.I was placed on a rehabilitation unit,which was known as being a unit for people who were ready to be released,so the least violent unit.While i was there i got to know a nusring assistant called ron,who was quite unusual looking,and made me laugh.After a while he asked me to go out with him somewhere,i cant remember where,as my memory is patchy.i agreed even though i didnt fancy him,as i enjoyed his company.I then went back to his house on another occassion,and he was really nice and funny.I remember he lived in an unusual house,with black walls inside,and only ultraviolet lights everywhere,and he had an iguana in a tank under the stairs&#33; He also had snakes,rats etc in tanks.I found it all fascinating.anyway,he asked me to stay at his house,as he lived near the placement,to save me having an hour bus trip to get there.So i agreed.I remember smoking a lot of cannabis with him,and i think i kissed him sometimes when i was high.I dont really remember.I remember he kept asking me to sleep with him but i wouldnt,as i said i didnt fancy him like that,but just enjoyed his company.But what really disturbs me,is that i think he thought i was his girlfriend,as we spent a lot of time together,although i didnt think of him like that.Then i met my neighbour.the rapist,who moved in down the corridor.Then my neighbour came over one night,and he raped me.But because i didnt realise what he had done at the time,i actually felt guilty,about having sex with the rapist,because i didnt realise it was rape,although i knew something was very wrong,i blocked out those feelings.then i told the other guy i couldnt spent any more time with him,and at some point i started seeing the rapist.I dont know how long after,as i only remember these two events in that year.How could i think that i was breaking the other guys trust by having sex with the rapist? i dont understand how i could have thought that at the time.I suppose as i the rapsit told me after it happened that it was normal for first time sex to be like it was,and to bleed that much,he must have convinced me to doubt myself and the terror that i felt after it happened,as i pulled that covers off the bed after he had left.Thats the only thing i remember that i did afterwards,and even thats not a clear memory.And i vaguely remember going to unit the next day and feeling really ill,like i was coming down with something,and having this awful feeling.can u help me to understand it,please..it makes me feel sick to think that i felt guilty,that i had done wrong by having sex with him (as i thought of it at the time),although i knew at the time that i hadnt wanted to have sex with the rapist that night.i guess the rapist knew how to manipulate me well.

[diana_holbourn]

Sometimes, anxious feelings can be triggered off by things people hardly notice, like a smell that reminds them of a smell that was around when they had an unpleasant experience, but they&#39;re not fully conscious of it, but something in the brain associates the smell with what was going on before and sends out anxious feelings. Or a sound can do that, or a sight, like something someone&#39;s wearing that looks like something someone wore around a person when they had an unpleasant experience. When the anxious feelings are set off, the thought that they might lead to a panic attack can be so scary that they&#39;re more likely to because of the extra anxiety signals the brain sends out when people get scared.

It doesn&#39;t mean you can&#39;t do something about them if you can&#39;t work out what causes them though. One thing that can help is concentrating as hard as you can on slowing down your breathing and breathing in a slow even rhythm to calm the physical symptoms down as soon as you can.

Thinking you&#39;re going to die may well make them worse, although it&#39;s no wonder you feel like that. But it&#39;s unlikely that you&#39;ll die really. Panic attacks are the body&#39;s way of giving you as much energy and motivation as it can to run away or fight if you have to, since that&#39;s what the emotional part of the brain thinks you need to do. Did I tell you the story about the nurse who always thought she was going to have a heart attack when she had a panic attack, even though she&#39;d been checked out by doctors who said there was nothing wrong with her heart? She had a panic attack in her therapist&#39;s office, and he decided it was a good opportunity to prove to her that she wasn&#39;t going to have a heart attack. There was a hill just behind his office and he asked her to run up it with him. She agreed. If she&#39;d been having a heart attack, she would have collapsed near the bottom. But she ran up the hill with no problems. The therapist said he thought it was quite an effort for him to get up the hill, but she was in top form and still had energy when she was at the top. So that finally convinced her that she wouldn&#39;t have a heart attack when she had a panic attack. Before, the feelings had always made her think she must be having one even though she kept telling herself at other times that the doctors had said there was nothing wrong with her heart. So perhaps you could do something energetic when you have a panic attack whenever it&#39;s convenient and see if you&#39;re on better form when you&#39;re having one than you are normally, and whether it distracts you from the fear feelings.

It&#39;s good that you&#39;re finding ways to get disturbing thoughts out of your head like singing to yourself. The only thing with singing a song or doing something like that is that if it&#39;s always the same, then hearing the song in the future might remind you of the horrible thoughts so you have them again.

I watched the Panorama programme as well. It&#39;s disturbing to know that that kind of thing is still going on sometimes.

Yes, it does sound as if your attacker was sadistic. What feelings make you feel bad when you accept that you were raped? If you can think through what they are, you might be able to change them with your thoughts. For instance, if you feel humiliated, you can think that really, you don&#39;t need to feel humiliated; what was really happening was that he was humiliating himself by showing himself up to be a savage, perhaps someone with such a warped mentality that he had to resort to rape to make himself feel big and clever, powerful and in control. He&#39;s so macho he can rape a woman - goodness me, what an achievement&#33; When you think that some people do such worthwhile things with their lives, clearing land mines from places where there have been wars, helping sick people recover, fighting poverty, performing heroic acts of bravery to rescue people, saving lives, helping people in all kinds of different ways; and then there are people who spend their lives being nasty and hurting others, the achievements don&#39;t really measure up to one another, do they&#33; What are people who spend their lives living for themselves and hurting others going to have to be proud of on their deathbeds? People who&#39;ve spent their lives helping others will be able to look back and be pleased with what they achieved. They&#39;re going to be able to be satisfied that they lived a worthwhile life. Or at least they shouldn&#39;t feel too bad about what they did. But what are rapists going to be able to think, knowing how they spent their lives and that it&#39;s too late to spend it living in a way they can be proud of? It must be horrible to be ashamed of the way you&#39;ve lived but know you haven&#39;t got the chance to do better. But that&#39;s what they may have to look forward to if they don&#39;t change.

Or if you feel powerless or worthless when you acknowledge to yourself that you were raped, you could name all the things that prove you&#39;re not powerless or worthless really, and everything that gives you the chance of making a success of the rest of your life; and remind yourself that you&#39;re wiser now than to do what you did that put you in a dangerous position with him.

What would you say were the worst feelings you get when you accept that what happened was rape?

It&#39;s common for people to have good days and bad days when they&#39;re recovering. It might help you feel more confident if you try to work out what&#39;s different about the days you feel confident that makes them better for you. What do you do differently on those days or just before them? How are you thinking differently? If you can work out what makes them better days, you might know what you need to do more of on the other days to make them better as well.

You could also try to work out what&#39;s triggered off your thoughts about what happened again. Was it a conversation that particularly upset you? If so, perhaps you can steer such conversations away from over-concentration on anything similar to what triggered off the thoughts that made you think you must be regressing in the future. Or maybe you could think of other ways of stopping other triggers bothering you so much if you can work out what they are.

With the man you lived with for a while, there could be a number of reasons you felt guilty about having sex with the rapist. Maybe it could have been because you didn&#39;t see it as rape and you knew the other man thought of you as his girlfriend so you felt guilty about disappointing his expectations; or maybe you could have felt an emotional bond with him because of the kissing you&#39;d done, since that can apparently release hormones that can make people feel closer. So even if you didn&#39;t think of yourself as his girlfriend, it may be possible that you felt what happened was a betrayal of a bond you felt with him. Who knows. What do you think? It wouldn&#39;t have to mean you were mad or anything like that.

Do you know if your thoughts got more bizarre after you had smoked cannabis during the time you were with the man?

[scared]

looking back,i remember feeling terrified and panicking after he had raped me,although i dont think i thought of it as rape at the time,as he&#39;d tried to convince me by saying that first time sex was always like that.And as i was in no state to argue at the time,i must have believed him.Hence i then thought i was betraying that man i lived with.But i have realised,that just because i felt that guilt afterwards,doesnt change what i clearly remember had happened before that.that i had said no and he carried on and raped me.I know that i didnt want to have sex with him,and that i agreed to get on the bed as i was really scared of what he&#39;d do.Then my logical mind must have kicked in,and i told him to stop,and he didnt until he&#39;d managed to penetrate me.therefore it was rape.I dont remember if i had any other thoughts after it happened,except panicking and stripping my bed,as i had bled a lot and i was terrified.I dont even remember if he damaged me,as i dont remember looking at myself.For all i know i could have had other thoughts afterwards,as i was in such a state of shock i could have had other irrational thoughts like the guilt i mentioned.The only way i can try to understand it,is by thinking that my brain was trying to work out what had happened,and i wasnt thinking clearly afterwards.But that doesnt mean that i wasnt raped.he was an evil sadist,and i remember other times in our relationship when he said things like &#39;i can make you do whatever&#39;,as he obviously knew that he had power over me and enjoyed it.i have been to counselling this morning,and told her about my memory,and how i had questioned whether it was rape,and even when i was telling her about me questioning what happened,i knew that it had been rape,it just clicked finally.My counsellor said that perhaps because im looking back on what happened as the person i am now,i am finding it hard to accept it.And maybe i found it so hard to accept it,as it was someone i knew.Which all made sense.Then i spoke to her just on the phone,and said there was no reason not to trust my own judgement of what happened,as i wasnt drunk,neither was he,and i remember clearly what happened that evening.so i told her that i have now accepted it,but that the enormity of it is now hitting me,hard.I feel awful.I think i tried to deny it before,because it felt too overwhelming to accept,but i cant deny the fact that i said no,and he carried on.As my counsellor said today,every woman has the right to say no,and for no to mean no.I told her that i honestly believe that he knew exactly what he was doing.And said at the time,&#39;i want to have sex with you&#39;, not &#39;do u want to have sex&#39;.So basically he demanded it.i just dont know how ot move on from here,but i know it was a huge step accepting it myself.You said before that under stress people dont think clearly,and their thoughts can be irrational,so i believe that if my thoughts had been logical,i wouldnt have been in such a state,so i was obviously in a bad way.