rape

[diana_holbourn]

You could try asking her how she deals with men who try it on. She might have some good ideas.

Also though, you could try imagining how she would respond to them, and imagine yourself responding in the way you think she would respond. And any time a man makes an innuendo or tries it on, you could think to yourself, "How would she respond?" Then you could try responding in the way you imagine she would respond and imagine you're feeling the confidence you think she would feel.

How long are you going away for?

[scared]

Hi,hope you got my message.Am feeling really unhappy at the moment and dont know what to do.Went for a placment interview today and nearly got upset after telling the woman that i didnt feel comfortable with home visits to give counselling.The woman asked if id had a bad experience with someone and i said yes,but i said i didnt want to discuss it,she then said something like 'im suprised u still want to do counselling',or something like that.She also said i looked too young to have a five year old child,and that i only looked about 16.I felt like maybe it would go against me,but i dont know.She said that they could work around my issue with home visits,like seeing clients at a sheltered housing complex,in a separate room,and maybe at other sites,but i think she may have less clients for me.I dont know if i will get enough clients there,as a friend from college goes there too,and in 4 months since shes been there,she has been given 2 clients.She was asked to do home visits and told them she wasnt happy to do them,and they said they had no other clients for her at the moment.So i thought it would be ok for me to say that too.Although i did give a reason,without being specific.The placment told me today that they will have got clients,but im not so sure.i have been told i will have a formal interview when my crb check comes through,which could be weeks.I rang 2 other places about placments,and they are going to let me know.If i dont get in at any of these three i dont know what i'll do.I am waiting to get a job once i have started a placment,because ireally need the money,but need to sort the placment out first.i really despair of it all.I feel like giving up completely.Time is ticking away and i havent got anything.do u think i should agree to do the home visits even if im really scared,just to get the clients? I dont think there are many clients whether i do them or not.I have also been told that 7 people have applied for 4 placment places,so i may not get in.help...

i havent heard from the male friend i texted,or from my dancing teacher i emailed last thursday,i feel like everyones ignoring me at the moment.i texted the woman i went on that date with this morning,as i had texted her last week and she didnt reply.I asked her today in my text what was going on with us,(in a nice way),and that i hadnt heard from her,and she still hasnt replied.I think she is ignoring me.I feel so depressed..

[scared]

Hi diana,im not sure what to do about a situation.I think i told you that last weekend i talked to my daughters auntie,who told me she had also been raped,and that i could ring her once or twice a week to talk things through.Well i spoke to her on tuesday night,and told her everything that happened what i was raped,and i was shaking really badly when i said it.And she said it was rape,and was really great with me.We talked for three qarters of an hour.Then yesterday i left a message for her asking her to give me a ring.She rang me last night,and i told her that i wasnt coping well,and dealing with coming to terms with being raped.She was understanding,but when i told her that i had 2 panic attacks yesterday,she said she wasnt sure that she could help me with that,and that i should see my gp.I said i thought i was dealing with them ok.I also told her that i had been scared to leave the house yesterday,and that i was scared of people looking at me,men in particular.She listened to me,but said that maybe i had too much time on my hands to think,and that maybe i should look for a job.She said that after she was raped she had to get on with things.I tried to tell her that I am feeling so many strong feelings at the moment,that i am trying to do things,but that i dont feel i can.Im not sure if i got this across as i had drunk a lot of alcohol,and was a bit drunk.I am glad i didnt tell her that i cut myself with some glass deliberately earlier in the day,not ot try and kill myself,but because i wanted to feel better.I wont do it again,as i realise it was stupid.But she kept saying to me last night,that if i dont deal with things and move on,that the ******* who raped me will ruin the rest of my life.I felt quite shocked and angry with her,although i dont think she intended to upset me.She just has a diferent way of dealing with things to me.I did feel like she was saying i was weak,which i told her,but she said she didnt think i was weak.I left a message on her answerphone today saying sorry for ringing her yesterday in case she thought i was hassling her.But she did say on tuesday night that she would ring me on saturday,but that if i needed to ring her before that i could.And i really did need to.I said on her answerphone today that i wanted to tell her about my feelings about my rape,to see if she felt the same after hers,and ask her how she coped with them.She did say last weekend that i could tell her what i wanted to about it.But now i feel so confused about whether she really meant what she said then.what do u think?Now i have left a message i will not speak to her til she calls me.She also said on tuesday night,that she had written a book with her rape ordeal in it,that she is sending me a copy of in the post,so perhaps she would rather i read about how she dealt with it rather than ask...

[diana_holbourn]

What do you think triggers off your strong feelings? What do you get them worst after? Do they come on worst after you've done particular things like been to counselling, or do you think they come on worst when you've been thinking in a particular way, like worrying and worrying that you'll never get over it or something? If you can work out what happens just before the strongest feelings come on so you've got a better idea of what triggers them off, then you might be able to work out what to do to change them. For instance, if they come on worst after you've been spending time thinking about what happened, you can try to change your behaviour to stop them coming on so badly, for instance noticing when you drift into the same old thought patterns that always make you more and more upset, and finding something to do to distract yourself from the thoughts, for instance cleaning out your cupboards or rearranging your furniture or drawing yourself nice pictures to go on your walls, or anything you think you'll enjoy or feel pleased with yourself for having done when you've done it. It's true that keeping occupied can cut down a lot of the anxiety people start feeling when they haven't got much to do so they just brood and brood on things. But people have to start distracting themselves with things that will occupy them before the anxiety gets too bad, or they won't be able to concentrate and get absorbed in what they're doing. Sometimes, it helps people to keep a diary for a while where they write down what they notice has just happened when they feel at their best, so they can do more of it to make themselves feel better, and also what happened just before they start feeling worse, so they can get a better idea of what triggers off the worst feelings, so they can do something to change it.

Maybe the auntie said what she did on the phone because she was worried that your feelings were overwhelming you and you might feel worse and worse if you didn't do something to stop yourself thinking about it so much.

That placement where there aren't likely to be many clients doesn't sound promising. I don't think I could say whether you should or shouldn't do home visits, but you have to take care of your mental health first, so if you're going to be so stressed by them that you'll find it more and more difficult to cope, it might be best not to. On the other hand, if you can find ways of reassuring yourself so they don't scare you so much, you might end up finding them easier to cope with than you think. It's difficult to know. But if the home visits were with women clients, would it bother you so much? What would you think of agreeing to do home visits with women clients but not men?

[scared]

I think that the problem is,is that i have been distracting myself to avoid thinking about what happened to me,as when i do think about it,i feel sick,and feel like someone is twisting my insides,and feel so upset,its like i have a pain inside (emotional not physical).The more i distract myself,the worse i feel when i do let myself think about it,and try to come to terms with it.When i am able to go out,and that is getting better now,if a man looks at me funny,or comes to near me,i feel terrified.If i am out with my family of friends,i feel much safer than when im on my own.In the last couple of days i have forced myself to go out,and have felt a little bit more confident,as i try not to make eye contact with men,unless i have to,and keep thinking things like 'im confident' etc,even if i dont feel it.Yes i do feel worse after counselling sometimes,but i got a lot worse after telling my daughters auntie what happened to me,on tiesday night.I think that i needed to tell her,and couldnt believe i was shakign like a leaf when i told her,but after she had asked me about what i told her,and said it was rape,it hit me like a brick,that i was raped.I had finally accepted it was rape.But the thing that i cant accept,is that the memory of what happened will always be in my conscious mind,and that it has altered my views on men,sex and other things.Part of me doesnt want to accpet what happened as i still feel so stupid for getting myself into a dangerous situation before he raped me.I cant forgive myself for that.I cant move on with my life because i blame myself for letting him into my flat that night,and for giving me a glass of wine.I had an email from my dancing teacher yesterday in response to my one asking for her tips on how to handle come ons from men.She told me that she had learnt early on not to get herself into situations which might lead to uncompromising behaviour from others,as some of her friends had,(ie by being drunk with men etc)and it scared her to death,hence she doesnt drink alcohol or do drugs.She said that it was best to be polite to start with,then if they dont get the hint,to tell them to **** off.I just felt like her words cut me like a knife,about her saying that she learnt not to get herself into situations that were dangerous.In my email to her,i had said that i was finding it difficult to handle mens come ons,and i had had a very bad experience with a man in the past.I dont think she meant to imply that i was reckless and had been drinking when i was raped,but i felt so stupid and sick reading that.As i thought,if only id been more careful,and not let him in that night,and not had a glass of wine (although neither of us had drunk much),i wouldnt have been raped.And now i have to live with what he did to me,and i dont know if i can..I feel so incredibly stupid.i dont know how to move on and deal with what happened.

[diana_holbourn]

Don't be too hard on yourself for what happened. In my opinion, The "Do anything you like" culture we have today is more at fault than you. 100 years ago, people had clear guidelines about what was and wasn't acceptable sexual behaviour for unmarried people. If a man tried it on with a woman, it would have been acceptable to think of it as a serious deviation from correct standards, and a woman could probably put him off a fair bit of the time by simply saying something like, "Do you think I'm a loose woman? Treat me with a bit of proper respect, please." But now, if a woman said that to a man, I imagine she'd be more likely to get laughed at, since it seems sex between casual partners is almost considered the done thing, and anyone who objects can be seen as being narrow-minded and interfering with their rights. So it's more difficult for women to persuade men to leave them alone, probably. As for agreeing to have sex with him in the first place, when people grow up in a culture where there aren't any clear moral sexual guidelines, and where it's expected that people will have sex in their teens rather than that they'll stay abstinent until they get a committed partner, and where sex is considered almost the done thing and the risks are played down, often by the media where it's glamorized, it's no wonder that people make naive mistakes that they regret later. I don't think it's fair that they should hold themselves fully responsible. People are a product of the culture they grow up in. If the culture teaches them that sex is something that everybody does and plays down the risks, then that's how people will think. If something bad happens, they blame themselves for getting themselves into a compromising situation, thinking they should have known better. But it's easy to say that in hindsight. If they think about the things that led up to them making the bad decision, such as how they were influenced by the attitudes of people around them, it can help them come to terms with it.

So you were only acting in the way you'd been socialised into acting. It wasn't stupidity on your part so much as just the lack of forethought and experience that someone growing up without the moral guidelines about sex and a full awareness of the risks along with the normalisation of casual sex was likely to develop. Society was at fault just as much as you were, and possibly a lot more so.

And don't forget that you had no idea he was going to do a thing like that. You can't blame yourself for letting him into your flat and having a drink with him, when most of the time, such a situation would probably have turned out allright and you couldn't possibly have known what would happen. Saying you can't forgive yourself for letting him in is a bit like saying you knew what was going to happen because you can predict the future and yet you still did it. But you can't have predicted what was going to happen. Male and female students often chat together in each other's rooms and have a drink together without anything bad happening. Most people wouldn't have been able to predict that that would happen. With most men, it wouldn't have happened. So don't forget that you couldn't possibly have known what he'd do when you made the decision to let him in.

Don't forget that your dancing instructor said she had to *learn* that it's best not to drink and get into compromising situations with men, and she learned by other people's bad decisions that led to them being hurt or risking being hurt. It's not as if she was saying she was far too sensible to have got herself into such a position in the first place. If she had to learn not to, it means that there was a time when she would have done it, because she didn't know any better. But she learned not to by other people's mistakes. It's unfortunate that you learned by having a bad experience yourself.

Do you think trying to get your feelings out of your system by writing your attacker an imaginary letter would help, perhaps following the suggestion about writing four different letters made near the beginning of this thread?

[scared]

hi diana,yes it might help me to write a letter to him,I am also forcing myself to talk about what he did to others close to me.I emailed my dancing teacher back yesterday explaining that the reason i asled her in my last email about how she deals with mens comeons,was because i had uncovered the rape memories in counselling of me being raped by the neighbour 9 years ago.She emailed me back yesterday saying that that was ****ing horrible.She also said thay if a man had grabbed her like that guy in the supermarket,she would have punched him,as she said it was assault.She also said that she doesnt trust any man 100 percent,and she trusts her boyfriend 95 percent,keeping 5 percent as insurance in case hes 'like the rest of them'.She also said that she has learnt karate,to use if she needed it.I have never heard her swear before either talking or in a email,so it seems that she has strong views about men,which is something we have in common,which is cool.I appreciate her support.I have been writting some poems about my attack,and attacker,which are very dark,as you can imagine,but helped get some of the anger out.I think that worst feelings are anger because i have more self worth than i used to,so am looking back on it as i am now,being stronger,and asking what right he had to do that to me.The other feeling i have is pure disgust and hatred,at what he did,and at him.Thank you for your last post,i understand what my teacher meant better now,about learning to not get into those situations.And i identify with what you said about society,there is a lot of pressure on young girls,who are not mature enough to deal with having sex from the age of 16.I think girls should wait until they are at least 18 or even 21,when they are mature enough to deal with sex and its risks.There is too much or an obssession with having sex,or wanting sex etc in this society,like its the be all and end all.I have discovered lately that i am happy to be single,if i met someone great,but i realised that for a long time i was desperate to meet someone and have a girlfriend.Now i have realised that i need to be happy on my own first,and make myself happy,as noone else can.I just wish i could feel more happy at the moment...

[scared]

i really need your advice,i feel like im going mad.i think i told you that i spoke to my daughters auntie on th phone last on wedsnesday night,and she was worried that i should see a doctor if my panice attacks were bad,and she said that she thought that i had more problems than she could help with over the phone etc.Well since that phone call,the next day i left her a message apologising for leaving a message for her to ring me on the wednesday (although she did say on tuesday night that i could ring her if i needed to before she would ring me on the saturday),as she did ring me,and saying that i felt a connection with her last weekend,as id never met anyone else who had been raped before.I also said that i wanted to talk to her about my feelings about the rape,and ask her if she had the same feelings,and how she dealt with them.I said that i needed someone to talk to who had been through the same experience,and was it still ok for me to phone her once or twice a week.I also said that i wouldnt bother her by phoning her every day as i knew she was busy.Since i left that message,on thurs i think,i have heard nothing from her,and havent yet received the chapters of her book she wrote,which she said on tuesday that she would sent to me.She has probably been busy,but she said on tuesday that she would ring me no saturday (yesterday),and she hasnt.I cant help worrying that ive offended her or made her angry.I dont think ive rung her constantly,as i rung her last sunday night,and she said she would ring me on monday night.She rung me briefly oin monday night,as she was busy,and said she would ring me on tuesday night.She rang me on tuesday night and we had a long chat,then i left a message for her on weds as i was really upset.When she rang me back on weds she seemed colder than before,saying that maybe i needed to see a doctor about the panic attacks etc.I felt quite angry as i thought she didnt seem to care,although she was concerned about me,so im probably being unfair on her.Then i left the message on thusrday saying sorry if she thinks i was hassling her on the wedsnesday,then no reply from her.Do u you think she is upset with me? i am so scared that she has changed her mind about supporting me like she said she would,as i really need to speak to someone who has been through the same experience.I dont want her to counsel me,just to listen and tell me how she felt too.Am i asking too much of her? she did offer for me to do that,but now im so confused,and dont know whether to ring her again next week if i dont hear from her.I feel like i cant ring her though,in case she rejects me,as i couldnt cope with that. i dont know what to do... [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/helpsmilie.gif[/img]

[diana_holbourn]

It might be a bit soon to start worrying, but if she doesn&#39;t want to speak to you again, it might not be anything to do with rejection of you. It could be because talking has brought back her old bad feelings again and she thinks talking about it more will make her feel worse because it triggers off the horrible memories. She might not have realised that would happen so she said she was willing to support you, but then she could have changed her mind afterwards because it did. Or it could be that she feels overwhelmed by your problems because she doesn&#39;t know how best to help you, so she&#39;s worried that talking with you will make her anxious about what the right thing to do is. So maybe she&#39;s just a bit scared to ring you. So if you do ask her for an explanation and you don&#39;t like what you hear, it probably won&#39;t mean she&#39;s rejected you in a nasty way. It might be much more to do with her feelings about her problem than with her opinion of you. Maybe she&#39;s worried that sending you the chapters of her book would make you feel worse because it would make you think about your experience more so it would depress you, and she wouldn&#39;t like to feel she was responsible for that. So if you do ring her to ask her for an explanation, if you take all those factors into account, what she says might not upset you so much, and you could say you&#39;ll understand if she doesn&#39;t want to communicate with you about the problems any more. Or you could wait a while and see what happens, since she might have just had something come up that made her busy that she didn&#39;t foresee, and that&#39;s why she didn&#39;t ring you, but she might ring you one day. Or if she doesn&#39;t, at least you&#39;ll know that it might well be more to do with her than you.

You might be able to find more companionship though elsewhere. There&#39;s a forum where people are happier than they are here to talk about their experiences here:
http://pub41.bravenet.com/forum/show.php?u...462926451&cpv=1

You might find more companionship there. But the trouble with it is that some people post messages there and never get a reply, and it can be discouraging because people can talk about their problems for some time without anyone suggesting ways they can move forward with their lives. But you might find people willing to listen to your experiences and share theirs with you there. Or there are mailing lists where you might find companionship that you can find if you go to http://www.survive.org.uk although I&#39;m not sure how active they are. You might make some good friends online there though where you can share feelings.

[scared]

i think it may be too soon to start worrying,i dont think she will abandon me.I just feel so hypersensitive to rejection at the moment,and my thinking is quite irrational.She has probably been too busy,so hard as it is,i will have to make myself wait until the end of this week,and if she hasnt rung me by then,i will ring her.I feel awkward about ringing her now because of our last conversation,i really want her to ring me soon though,as i hate not knowing whats going on.I am probablyoverdramatisingher actions or nonactions,i have a tendency to think the worst,as i have alot of negative feelings at the moment which i badly want to tell her about,as i think we could help each other.I hope that she hasnt changed her mind about giving me support,as i would feel so let down,even though i understand that she may find it hard to discuss,as i feel so close to her becuae of our similar experiences.I think it may be that she finds my problems too much for her to handle,and doesnt feel qualified to handle them,I just wish she&#39;d ring me so i could explain that i am dealing with them,but just want to share feelings with her and see if she had felt the same.She might have not got round to sending the book,as she is quite busy.

[diana_holbourn]

Just one note of caution: You say you&#39;re enthusiastic to speak to her, and yet you say you felt a lot worse after you spoke to her before, and you say your counselling&#39;s done you good, but you say you sometimes feel worse after that. If you find that happening again, maybe if you analyse exactly what it is that&#39;s made you feel worse, you can change the way you interact with those people accordingly, or ask them if they can behave differently. Talking about feelings can sometimes be a bad thing, because they bring back all the memories and then people brood on them afterwards and it makes them feel worse. So the way counselling teaches people to behave can sometimes be harmful. So you&#39;ll both have to be careful that your conversations aren&#39;t really making you both feel worse.

[scared]

hi,my daughters aunt caled me last night,which i was pleased about.She said that there was no need for me to leave her that message last thursday apologising,that i was making mountains out of mole hills.So i was relieved that she wasnt cross with me.I told her how i felt about our last phone conversation,that i was upset afterwards,she realised that i was a bit angry,but she was unfazed.i only had a short time to speak to her last night,she said she would post the book to me,and would phone my later this week.I asked her if she would still listen to my feelings and she said yes,as she thought we had an agreement.She said that she relied on a friend to help her sort things out after it happened to her,but that in the end she realised thatnoone could sort it out but her,and that she had to do it alone.She keeps stressing that to me,which is making me angry,i dont know why.I read her book chapters earlier that i got this morning,and felt terrified all the way through reading,then after i had read about the rape i started to have a panic attack,worse than ever before.I couldnt breathe,i felt shaky,and paralysed with fear.When i could move,i rang my daughters aunt on her mobile.I dont know what i was thinking as i was really confused at the time.She said she was at work,and couldnt help from her end,and that i need to go to the doctors.I felt really angry,but said i would this afternoon.I had already made an appointment today for another problem,so thought i would ask her about my panic attacks.I was really scared she would think i was mad,but i told her.(it was the nurse i saw rather than the doctor).I had seen her before and trusted her as she is really nice.I told her about an issue coming up from counselling that had triggered the attacks (i didnt say what issue).She recommended i ask my yoga teacher about deep breathing to stop me overbreathing,and said if i had an attack to hold something cold against me to cool my nervous system.She said to go back in 4 weeks if they get worse,as i might need mild antidepressants or beta blockers.I feel better for talking to her,as she said she had had them too once,and got over them.Just telling someone made me feel better.I still feel really angry with my daughters aunt,for going on about dealing with things alone,it seems from talking to her,that she dealt with it in private,and was determined not to fall apart.I cant push my feelings away like that,and i feel maybe it wasnt good for her to do that.Maybe how im handling things isnt good either.But i dont see it as letting myself get overwhelmed by my feelings,i just am overwhelmed by them some times,i dont feel i can control it.I guess she thinks that i can and need to to move on.what do u think?

[diana_holbourn]

It&#39;s good that the nurse gave you a bit of advice on handling panic attacks yourself instead of suggesting medication straightaway, although medication can sometimes be helpful.

Panic attacks don&#39;t mean someone&#39;s going mad. It can feel like that, but having an anxiety problem doesn&#39;t increase the risk of that.

The aunt might not have meant that she pushed her feelings away, but that she learned to handle them and change them. Hopefully her book will eventually explain how she managed to deal with her feelings on her own in the end, so you can pick up some tips from it. Maybe it would be a good thing if you skipped some of the text and see what it says nearer the end, in case there are more things you&#39;ll find distressing in it. If it doesn&#39;t say how she learned to deal with things, perhaps you should ask her for more detail about exactly how she coped with her feelings and stopped them bothering her so much in the end. If she says she just pushed them away, you could try asking how she managed that, because it&#39;s unlikely to have been that simple. Maybe she&#39;s emphasising how she managed alone in the end with the implication that you should because she&#39;s scared that you&#39;ll become dependent on her, not because she thinks you&#39;re weak if you don&#39;t or anything like that. And when she said she couldn&#39;t help you when she was at work, it might have sounded to you more harsh than it was meant, because she might have worried that her boss wouldn&#39;t have appreciated her taking personal phone calls at work or something.

It&#39;s possible that you might think talking to her about your feelings is doing you good because you feel consoled by her sympathy at the time or good because you can get them off your chest, but people can be deceived by the temporary consolation of the friendship into believing that that means it&#39;s a good thing to talk about feelings more and more, when it isn&#39;t, because talking about them over and over again without setting a time limit will mean the memories are always fresh in your mind and always upsetting you. So what you fear, that the memories will never fade, is more likely to happen. So maybe she&#39;d be happier, and you&#39;d benefit, if you suggested that the agreement you have that she listens to your feelings only lasts a limited amount of time, maybe a month or so. Or you could ask yourself after you&#39;ve spoken to her each time whether you do feel better, or whether you&#39;ve begun to feel worse, and decide whether you&#39;re doing a good thing airing your feelings based on whether you&#39;re feeling better or worse in the days after the call. At the same time, I think it would be healthy if you asked her to focus in your conversations mainly on the steps she took to get over it, and what worked best in helping her. While some things work for one person that don&#39;t work for another, she might have discovered some valuable techniques to help her over it that would be useful for you as well.

One useful thing is relaxation techniques, practiced every day for several minutes as a matter of routine. Even when people do physical relaxation, it can relax the mind, because the mind and body are interlinked, and because concentrating on relaxation will keep the mind from working itself up into a state of anxiety with a stream of negative thoughts. Relaxation techniques interrupt that. When people are relaxed, they can think more rationally, and they&#39;re better at making decisions, and not so likely to be overwhelmed by feelings. The stronger anxious feelings are, the more difficult it is to make reasoned decisions and to think the worst. So the more people can relax themselves, the more able they will be to cope.

Thoughts can strongly influence feelings. If you can work out what thoughts cause your strongest feelings, then maybe you can work out ways to challenge your thoughts and try to look at some things from another perspective so the thoughts don&#39;t upset you so much. For instance, if you&#39;re still telling yourself you&#39;ll never be able to forgive yourself for letting the attacker into your room or anything like that, you can refuse to keep thinking such thoughts and reason with yourself about how you couldn&#39;t have known what would happen etc. That&#39;ll calm your feelings down. But it&#39;s easier to do that if you&#39;ve spent some time relaxing yourself so you can catch them before you feel so overwhelmed by your feelings that you don&#39;t feel able to think clearly.

[scared]

hi,i have read all the chapters now,and she doesnt explain how she dealt with her feelings,apart from by keeping herself busy,which resulting in her being told to come into hospital of she would be sectioned,for an enforced rest,as i dont think she was sleeping much after it happened.Thats as far as the book goes to explain how she dealt with her feelings.She also has a fierce determination not to let herself fall apart,although on several occassions she did have panics.Her empahasis in the book is on not letting the man win and ruin the rest of her life.She does say that she view being scared as being weak,which she says is her judging herself,and that she still has periods of anger now which affect all areas of her life at times.She also said that she didnt feel like she wanted counselling at the time,as she didnt think it would help.I think when i have been speaking to her on the phone,i got upset because she made me feel inadequate,for letting my feelings overwhelm me,and not gettin on with things.I told my counsellor today how i felt about her calls,and she said that she thinks that i have got on with things really well,as id managed to finish my course while all the memories came out a few months ago.I told the counsellor that i thought that the aunt was implying that i have a choice over whether i let my feelings affect my life.The counsellor asked me if i thought i had a choice,and i said no.I said that i dont set out to get upset or have a panic attack,as im trying to carry on,but they just happen.The counsellor picked up that i kept saying that i &#39;should&#39; be dealing with things better because the aunt did,and that i &#39;should&#39; be able to get one with things like she did.
She said that i didnt seem to like myself much,and that i seemed to critisise myself a lot,which i do.She also said that whenever i tell her my feelings,that i always say &#39;this probalbly sounds stupid but..&#39;,or &#39;i feel really silly for thinking that...&#39; etc.I have noticed that i say that a lot,like i feel that i always have to justify what im saying and put myself down.I said today that im my own worst enemy in that respect.I told her about how i was bullied at school,and was always told by others that what i said was stupid,or i was criticised by my mum or laughed at for my ideas.Which is why i have never trusted my own opinions of myself above other peoples,and my own interpretation of my experiences.I am going to work on this in my last three sessions,and hopefully get some practical ways to challenge my thoughts.I agree that talking endlessly about my feelings to the aunt will make me feel worse for a while,but that i need to break the silence that abusers depend on to keep their guilty secret of what he did to me.By being afraid or feeling ashamed to talk about what happened to me,he will still have power over me.I dont agree with what the aunt said about dealing with things on my own.I know only i can work through my feelings and come to terms with what happened to me,but both i and my counsellor feel that i dont need to do it totally alone,that it is ok to ask for support.But maybe the aunt will not be the one.As talking to the aunt made me feel bad about myself,as i was comparing myself dealing with things with how she dealt with them,maybe i should have some space from her for a while,or have the courage to tell her how i feel.I feel so much more positive after the counselling today,as i have realised that eveyrone deals with things differently,no one way is right or better than another,and that i dont feel i had a choice to have these emotions that have come up,and that i need to be confident that i am dealing with things in the best way for me.It was also different for the aunt,as she confronted things straight away,and had to deal with them,whereas i was in denial and repressed what happened to me for 9 years,then it came back up.So effectively i have been getting on with things for the last nine years,although i now realise that what happened came out in anger that i didnt know the cause for then,and being scared of people i saw as more powerful than me.I feel that i am dealing with my feelings as they come up as best i can,its not easy dealing with all these things coming up at once,on top of my course and looking after my daughter,so i think the fact that im not in a psychiatric ward is to my credit&#33;&#33; My counsellor reminded me that trauma does often take a long time to deal with and move on from,and that i need to give myself a break,and not be so hard on myself.It was funny,when i told her about what the aunt had said and how it made me critcise myself because of it,she said that she felt very protective of me,which was really sweet.Its nice to know she cares enough to feel protective.I was really chuffed that she said that to me,as it made me feel really good.I think im feeling more confident now of how i am handling my different feelings and panic attacks,after all,why should i compare myself to others,in my mind it it still like i was raped last week,as the emotions are so fresh,so i have to just give myself time i guess and not be inpatient with myself for feeling like this.I do feel that the last week i have been trying not to think about things at all,and have found that my panic attacks,although less frequent than they were,are stronger than they were before.
And that my anger towards him is coming out by me shouting at my daughter.So i am trying not to avoid dealing with what happened,as i think that if i do avoid it,it will find expression some how,and that frightens me.I need to work on accepting that i will always remember what happened to me,and that there will always be reminders and triggers,even when i no longer think about it daily.That is the hardest thing to accept,as sometimes i think igenorance would have been bliss,but i know it would have come out somehow eventually,so at least i was able to express it first with my counsellors support.

I am dealing with my anger by the controlled smashing up of crockery at the moment&#33;&#33; seems to help&#33;&#33;

[scared]

hi,i need you advice,im not sure that ive done the right thing.You know i told you about the emails from my dance teacher about advances from men etc,and i said that she said that she learnt early on not to get herself into situations which might lead to uncompromising behaviour from men,as some of her friends did and it scared her to death.Hence no alcohol or drugs.Well i went to my class tonight,and at the end i went up to speak to her,and thanked her for her emails.She said it was her pleasure.Then she said &#39;its not easy is it?&#39;.And i was stunned,but said &#39;no it isnt&#39;.The she said that she is aware that she has an agressive aura sometimes.I nealry burst into tears when she said the first bit,as i looked into her eyes,and i could see pain in them.I wasnt sure whether she said it because something serious had happened to her,or if she meant that it had happened to someone close,and upset her.So i have just emailed her and asked her if it had happened to a friend of hers,of if something more serious had happened to her,and said that she looked sad when she had said it.I dont know if it has ir not,but she seemed so fired up about the issue in her emails,and saying that she no longer drinks alcohol or takes drugs,i was wondering if she doesnt do that because of what happened to friends,or implying that something happened to her,maybe someone groped her or something.She just has really strong views for someone with no personal experience of it.Or maybe im reading too much into her words.When she looked at me and said that tonight,it broke my heart.I still have some feelings for her,and i just feel that if someone had done that or something less serious to her,i would feel so much emapthy for her.