rape

[scared]

yes,i think he was.the wierd thing is,i thought i had accepted that i had been raped,weeks ago.But i realised over the last few weeks,that i was still questioning what happened,and my part in it,and still had some guilt about it.And when i talked about it in counselling even recently,i still feel embarrassment at saying the word,and talking about it,although i have forced myself to,as i thought i would go mad if i didnt.I feel that ive finally accepted it now,and am trying not ot blame myself.I think i could drive myself mad with 'what ifs',such as what if id never agreed for him to come round that night,and what if id been stronger in myself,and more confident to be able to tell him to go.But i suppose i cant change anything now.When i was talking to my counsellor last week,she said that i wont forget what happened.I think she was saying that i will be able to dealw ith it better in time,as she said she feels i have come far compared to where i was when i first told her.Thats the thing that really scares me,that i will never forget it,and the fact that my attutides towards men are very negative.I also feel that he took something from me that i will never get back.Losing your virginity should be special,and when you want it,and i was denied that.My attitudes have also changed so much,towards what i think is acceptable treatment of women and what isnt.But one positive thing is that i wont let myself be abused again,although i am so cautious,i dont know if i can allow myself to be in a relationship,as i dont feel i could cope with any more hurt,like ive had in my two abusive relationships.I guess im not sure how to let go of the past.I wish i could forget what happened.I have changed so much since my memories emerged,but i feel in some ways i am getting back to who i was before,but with a different set of attitudes and values.It feels really wierd thinking that i am still me,but i feel so different.I will never be the person i was before the memories came up,and thats hard.I am trying to use my counselling sessions to try and work out what my values are,and to get to be able to trust my own judgement,but thats hard when i realise that ive never trusted my own judgement,as my views have always been from other people.I need to work out my own views,and what i want.

[scared]

I think it has just hit me the impact of what he did.i just wish id reported him at the time,if id have realised then what he had done.It does make me feel bad again,that he did that to me,i really hope the bad feelings get better soon..

[diana_holbourn]

Hopefully your bad feelings won't last long. But they hopefully mean you're not blaming yourself any more. There's no way you can have been to blame, since you couldn't have foreseen what he'd do, and it wasn't your fault you weren't confident enough to tell him to leave before his attack. And he couldn't possibly have mistaken your behaviour for consent. People don't go from crying and looking terrified to enjoying something within the space of a few seconds and then back to crying and being terrified again afterwards! He would have known he was being abusive. He was responsible for his actions.

I recently read a book that says people go through three stages in recovery, a victim stage, a survivor stage and then a stage where they can become their true selves. It says the victim stage can be helpful because it means people stop blaming themselves and allow themselves to grieve about what happened and ask for support. Then in the survivor stage, they can put the abuse in the past and get on with life better. And when they get to be their true selves, people become more confident and willing to try new things without thinking of whether each thing they do will be affected by what happened to them before or whether it would be good for them to risk doing it bearing in mind what happened.

So your attitudes may well soften over time.

As for thinking about how things could have been different if only you'd done something different, you're right; it won't do you any good to think like that, apart from one way that might help, which is if you consider that being with him yourself may have meant that someone else was protected from him. While he was with you, you were preventing him from abusing someone else.

Still, maybe he's been taken out of society somehow by now.

[scared]

I understand what you are saying about me being with him may have prevented him from abusing someone else,although im sure you understand,that cruel as it sounds,i would rather it hadnt been me he abused.(i wouldnt have wished it on others either)I have to admit that when i read that opinion i did feel angry at first,as i thought that you were saying that it was ok for me to be abused,as it prevented him doing it to someone else.I dont think you meant it that way.You have got me thinking,how many other people he may have raped or abused,it scares me to think.And to think that hes still out there getting away with what he did to me,and maybe others.If fact it makes me feel sick that i wasnt able to report it at the time,although i think i would have been worried that noone would believe me,which was why i found it so hard to say it during counselling.Can i ask you,have you ever been raped or abused? i am just curious.I have to say,I am quite paranoid about what people say to me at the moment,as sometimes you think people understand what you're going through,but noone can really until they been through it themselves.I do think your advice has really helped me though.I think that book sounds ok,although with me,its not that i think about whether to risk doing things bearing in mind what happened to me.For me,i go into situations with natural caution,and subconsciously i find myself reacting by feeling similar feelings to when it happened,in other words,its how my body reacts after or during a situation.Although what happened does influence the fact that i wouldnt want to be alone with a man i dont know,and i dont seek out new men to make friends with,as i feel more comfortable with women.But i dont think that limits my life in anyway.The difficulty i would have,is having to counsel a man at the moment,partucularly if he was older,etc,not sure how i would handle that one.

[scared]

What i have realised and has helped me from reading this forum,and looking at the myths and facts or rape on the rape crisis website,is that rape can happen to anyone,anytime,not just by strangers,and in a variety of different situations.That helped me to understand what happened to me.I do wish that the public could be made more aware or this differing circumstances that rape can happen,and what rape actually is.When my memories first came up in counselling,i thought at the time that my experience wasnt as bad as what other women have been through,because he didnt threaten me with a knife,or punch me.but what i then realised is that psychological coercion and manipulation are just as bad,in a different way,as they can lull you into thinking that the person is nice,when they're a monster.So i now think that my experienc was equally as bad as any one elses.I feel so strongly about how men treat women,that i fond myself watching how my friends boyfriends treat them,and peoples partners on the street,and find myself feeling very strongly against any kind of bullying or abusive behaviour.Maybe one day i could use my experience to help other rape victims,but it is too close to home for me to do that at the moment.I still get a bit inpatient with myself,thinking that it has been nearly 3 months since i first said what happened to me,yet i still am affected by it a lot,It is still in the back of my mind most days.But my cousellor said that i could treat it as a loss,and that it will take time,with good days and bad,to be able to deal with it better.But although i think i may think about it less in the future,i dont think i will ever get over it,and that scares me..

[diana_holbourn]

No, I didn't mean it was OK for you to be abused; I meant that it might be a tiny bit of consolation knowing that you were protecting others. I know it would have been far better if it hadn't happened to anyone at all; but it might make you feel as if you've got a bit of power back if you think that at least you were stopping him doing that to someone else. Perhaps I could have worded it a bit more carefully.

It would have been extremely difficult for you to report it at the time, since if it had got to court, it's very unlikely that he would have been convicted, since his lawyers would have been able to discredit you by pointing out that you'd agreed to have sex with him at first. So reporting it would have just caused you more trauma. So never feel badly because you didn't. But who knows what might have happened to him by now. Maybe something's made him change, or maybe he's in prison for something unrelated. Or maybe someone attacked him for something and he's too disabled to hurt anyone now. Who knows. Someone once told me that he was in prison quite a lot in the past, and once, the men found out that one of them who was in prison for something else had raped someone, and they ganged up on him. They were working in the kitchen and they found a piece of ice in the freezer that was really thin, and some of them held him down and one of them put it against his throat and they told him it was a knife. He fainted. Most men in prison feel angry about rapists being there and feel disgusted by them, and many will attack them if they get the chance. That's why they have to be protected in a separate wing.

Yes, rape can be as bad or worse if it's done by someone the person trusts, because it's a betrayal of trust as well as everything else, so it can make people less trusting of other people they know.

If at some time in the future, you do find that at least something positive has come out of it, for instance finding that knowing about these things helps you in your work, you will be able to start looking back without becoming so upset.

[scared]

It makes me sick to think that what you say is true,that i would have been discredited because i intially said yes,because i was scared.It makes you wonder,who is the law there to protect?It makes me feel good that someone may have beat him at his own game,and got back at him.I believe in the theory of kama,what goes around comes around,so it gives me satisfaction that he will get what he deserves.If i had reported it at the time,i dont think i could have coped with the extra trauma,as i was so depressed then,it would have pushed me over the edge.I dont think rapists should be put seperately in prison,but have their offending parts removed,and left there for life.I need your advice on something.I cant remember if i told you that i had had an argument with an older male friend of mine,as he was the first person aprt from my cousellor i told what had happened to me.After i told him he was very supportive,chatting to me on the phone.Then one day i was feeling really depressed,and wanted to end it all,and i told him that.And he said 'if thats what you want to do'. I was really shocked and angry,as he seemed not to be really listening to me.Then the next week i left a couple of messages,as i hadnt heard from him,and later that day,he texted me to say that he had a life,and could i stop texting him,or harrassing him.I was really upset,so the next day i texted him saying that i was angry with him for not being there for me when i told him i was suicidal,and that he had let me down.Then i didnt hear from him for weeks.I was determined i wouldnt contact him as i was angry.Then a few weeks ago,i texted him just sayong 'sorry', ie i meant sorry for the angry texts i sent.And he replied saying thankyou,and that he'd contact me soon.He still hasnt contacted me.During the time after i texted him the angry messages,i thought about our frienship and realised that although he has been there for me on the phone over the last 2 years,and said if i ever wanted to talk he was there,he has also been very cold with me at times,and seemed to be humouring me.And i would often call him more than he would call me.I have often asked him to tell me his problems,but he has only told me bits over the years.I know i have been quite demanding of him at times,but he always said he was happy to help.But i dont feel that he veiws my friendship as being as important as i used to view his friendship,and never felt that he was there for me like my really close friends are.I mean,when i told my other friend what had happened to me,she said if id told her before,she would have dropped everything else,and been there for me.I know he has a life,but i have been so angry with him since told him,as he reminds me of the man who raped me,when he is cold and arrogant.And i couldnt cope with that which is why i got angry with him.And even after i apologised for an angry text i sent him,the day after he told me to kill myself if i wanted,he reacted really angry towards me.He didnt seem to understand what i was going through.I think he just though i was mad!So now if he does contact me,im not sure i want to carry on with a friendship where i share with him,but he doesnt with me,and i dont feel he is there for me.what should i do?........

[diana_holbourn]

It does sound as if he was insensitive! But maybe it could be that he didn't feel he could handle your problems as well as his own, or felt at a loss to know how to deal with them and didn't think talking was doing any good, so he felt under pressure and got fed up. Who knows. It would probably be best to play it cool with him, and not start telling him your problems again, since he might still have a similar attitude, although he may have changed. But if he has got the same attitude, it might not be long before he behaves the same, and you'll just get upset again. Maybe if you tell him about any progress towards recovery you've made, you'll be able to judge his attitude from that, since if he's enthusiastic, it'll mean he does care really, but if he isn't, then he probably isn't worth being friends with.

It's good that you've got other close friends anyway.

[scared]

Hi,thanks.He phoned me today actually,and he was fine with me.He does seem to care,as he asked how my course was,and made suggestions about my placment etc.I think maybe he couldnt handle my problems or something.So i have decided not to confide in him again,as i dont trust his reaction will always be positive,and i need to have supportive people around me from now on,thats one value i have decided for myself.I wont allow people to bring me down.It was wierd that he never mentioned my last texts to him,or our last phone conversation where he wasnt supportive,and i am still angry about that,and that he didnt apologise for hurting me,so i dont know whether to mention that to him next time he calls.As i feel i cant let it go without being honest with him,i dont think i have anything to lose,have i? I was just suprised when he rang,and felt a bit awkward on the phone,but he seemed ok,but even on the phone i felt we were both avoiding the topic.I have decided not to regard him as a close friend anymore,who will be there for me like my other friends,to stop me getting hurt again,and i will let him make the effort to contact me again,if he wants to,i will not contact him,and to keep some distance from him,because he reminds me of HIM.

[diana_holbourn]

I think you're probably doing the right thing by keeping your distance a bit.

I don't blame you for wanting to know why he seemed so uncaring and got angry with you when you were suicidal. I think it would be worth asking him that. As long as you do it in a way so as he doesn't feel attacked, he might explain. What you do risk, however, is becoming upset by his answer if it seems to reflect badly on you, and if the conversation turns into an argument, then you might feel hurt afterwards and lose contact with him again for a while. I think whether you choose to go ahead and ask him will depend on whether you're prepared to risk those things. On the other hand, not asking could mean you never get to feel more comfortable talking to him.

[scared]

Hi,i am about to text him to say how i felt when he seemed so uncaring on the phone.I have tried to sound tactful,although i think however i put it,he will probably not like it,so i have nothing to lose.I think that before he phoned me today,i had accepted that he would never be a close friend that i could confide in.On the one hand i am sad about that,but on the other,i think that i deserve friends in my life who are supportive,an who will not think im been demanding of them when i ring them up.I did some clearing out today.I have a big box file with all my paperwork,old bills etc,that i hadnt cleared out for ages.And i really enjoyed chucking things out,i got on a roll and chucked out loads of stuff,which made me feel good.I also threw out some of my jewellery,as i have accumulated a lot,because of my compulsive spending habit.Because i often have difficulty deciding which to wear each day,which got me stressed,i gave myself less choice.I have a problem with choice in most areas of my life,i get overwhelmed by too much choice,and by having to make decisions.I think i have really improved on cutting back on my compulsive spending over the last few months,as i have changed my attitude to buying stuff.I now make myself wait a while before deciding to buy things,and think 'do i really need it', will it make me happy in the long term',rather than just thinking about the short term pleasure it will give me.But i do worry a bit at the moment,as since i have left college,and have been feeling lost,that i will give in to my urges.However,another thing i now do when im feeling down,or think i want to cheer myself up,is browse on the internet at stuff i like,or in shops,and then turn off the computer.It kind of gives me a fix without spending the money.I have also been saving more money lately,as i have thought of something i want to buy,for my dancing,so can work towards saving up for it.I have allowed myself to buy a few things over the last few weeks,as i always check if i can afford it first,or buy something then replace the money that will be debited with other money ie,if i happen to spend less on food one week,i might buy something out of the money that would have gone on the extra food,if you see what i mean.I think a lot more carefully about buying things.And that way,i can stop myself buying things juts to cheer me up,on the spur of the moment,and buy stuff that i really want.I do find it hard not to worry about every penny i spend,thinking am i buying it for the right reasons,which i find hard.Do u think it sounds like i have it under control like other people do.I mean,people do buy themselves things to cheer themselves up or to treat themselves sometimes dont they? I think that i have it under control,because im not in debt because of it,i can pay all my bills,and buy the things me and my daughter do need,and am saving some money.So thats good isnt it? I guess i do worry because i would hate to lose control of myself again,and start rushing out on impulse to buy things even if im tired.I am so glad i dont do that anymore.I have decided that i have enough jewellery now,so will not buy anymore,i hope i dontmove on to something else.It is difficult as i have to be constantly vigilant with myself to make sure i think carefully about what i buy.Do you think i will ever be free of it completely?,because if not,then i will despair.
I think what started my greed,and i have to call it that,was that when i was a child and i wanted something,i would ask my dad,and he would usually get it for me.I used to nag him until he gave in.Maybe i have stayed like that.I think that i spend money to fill a need i have to be loved in a relationship.Sad,arent i?I think,theres noone here to treat me,so when i feel down,i think thatsspending money will help.But i have recently found that it is only a short term buzz,and that having a lovely bath or reading a good book is much better.The thing that i also find hard is,if i havent bought anything for several weeks,and i am feeling stressed because of my attack or something,the urge can get stronger,and im not sure how to deal with that.Whe i cleared out my jewellery today i decided to throw away the pendant i bought from the turkish carpet mans shop.This may sound wierd,but the first afternoon i wore it,i had been to yoga in the morning,and when i got back,i felt dizzy all afternoon.The pendant had a crystal in it.Its effects may be harmless,but crystals often affect people physically.Then when i took it off,within a couple of minutes,i felt fine again.It might have been a coincidence,but it made me think.Also, i thought that every time i would wear it,it would remind me of the man in the shop,and how he pestered me,and how awkward and embarrassed i felt,so i thought i would get rid of it.Does that sound mad? I have a habit of gettin rid of jewellery that anyone gave me in the past,ie people ive had bad relationships with,or who i have negative feelings towards.I think that things carry the energy of the situation or person,and things i associate with negative situations or people,i get rid of.I know you cant get rid of bad memories,but it helps me to get rid of those kind of things,as i dont want to be reminded of them.
One thing that my counsellor said last session,after i had told her about that man in the supermawket with the papers worried me.Because i said to her that it was silly for me to react how i did to him,as im sure he didnt mean anything by it (i said that because i was trying to convince myself during the session because i was scared to acknowledge that he might have meant it that way).The she said that it was important to be aware that he may have meant it seriously as a come on,or in fun.It worried me that she thought that it was likely that he was coming on to me,because i expected her to reflect back what i said,and say similar to what you said,ie about innuendo etc.So i then felt more worried,and i think more upset about what happened in a way.I had been thinking before the session that i was fed up with men trying it on with me,as they have always done in the past.But after the session,i thought that i didnt want ment to even look at me.Not just because of what she said,but because i am feeling more self conscious,because i ahve realised that men do look at me.I now feel that i am on hyper alert,because if somone hassles me again,i will feel terrified,as i dont know how to handle it confiedently yet.I am worried that my feeling on this are becoming stronger,and it is getting a real issue with me.I am going away on friday,and am worried about how i will cope,although i will be with my family,so will be better.I just worry about going out on my own.I guess i think,i have been raped once,whos to say someone will not try it again.It may be unlikely,but i still feel like a victim in some ways,as though i have what happened written on my face.In other ways i feel stronger,but because my future in uncertain in different ways,it is intensiying these feelings.What can i do?

[diana_holbourn]

I hope the communication with your friend went OK after you texted him to say how you felt about him saying he didn't care.

It's good that you've changed your attitude to spending. It sounds as if you are getting your compulsive spending habit under control. It's good that you've worked out things you can do instead when you need cheering up like having a long bath or reading a good book. The more things you can think of like that, the better. People do get over these things, so you can be reassured about that. It sounds as if you've made quite a lot of progress already.

Perhaps you could give some of your jewellery away to friends and family as gifts or something.

I don't blame you for getting rid of the pendant, since if it reminds you of an awkward situation, it's no wonder you want to do that. Maybe the reason it made you feel unwell was because of stress, if you were more stressed when you were wearing it because it made you think about what happened. Stress can cause a whole variety of physical sensations, like dizziness, aches and pains, headache, tiredness, nausea, difficulty swallowing, and lots of other things.

If the man in the supermarket had been that serious, he wouldn't have left you alone to walk off. He'd have tried to continue the conversation. So I don't think it was anything to worry about.

Maybe most men just look at you because they think you look attractive rather than because they'd ever try it on or anything.

If you can think of times when you have handled men confidently in the past when they have tried it on with you, you can help yourself feel more confident by rehearsing the things you said in your mind. So you could think through what's worked for you in the past, do some relaxation exercises to calm down, and then imagine a man making some kind of innuendo to you, imagining you're feeling confident and saying the things that have worked in the past to put men off. The more you imagine yourself feeling confident and handling them well, the more you'll be likely to be able to do that in real life, because the more the brain's used to going through the routine, the more automatic it will become, and so your brain will start expecting you to feel confident when a man makes an innuendo or something.

That'll be better than worrying about it, since the more you worry about what might happen, feeling scared you'll be terrified when it does, the more you'll be cuing your brain to expect to be terrified when it happens, so it will expect you to be terrified, so when it does happen, it'll send out fear signals because it's been prepared to do that because you've been making it expect to feel fear by the worrying you've done, so you'll be more likely to get terrified. But if your brain's expecting you to be able to handle it confidently and to be able to think of things to say because you've been rehearsing feeling confident and being able to think of things to say in your mind , it won't react quickly to send out fear signals, and it's more likely to make you feel quite calm.

One thing that could reassure you a bit is reading about the personality types of abusers. Stranger rape's quite rare, so if someone was thinking of attacking you, it would probably be someone who'd got to know you a bit first, and in that time, you'll probably be able to pick up clues about what kind of person he is, which might stop you worrying so much about other people. Here's an interesting web page about the characteristics of abusers: http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/profile.html

[scared]

thanks for your advice.I read that web page,and saw many characteristics there in my rapist,so that makes sense.However,there were a couple of pages that really made me angry.Onepage that talked about the mating process,saying that a man and a woman both have the same goal,ie sex,then there is confusion at the later stages,and the man misinterprets the sexual signals,rape can occur.It said that part of the bonding process involves both parties proceeding at the same pace,and if the pace is not synchronised,one party can feel that it is rape.I feel that this definition belittles rape,and feel that this does not apply in my case,as i didnt fancy him,didnt want sex with him,and only agreed out of fear or potential violence.Another page that talked about high risk behaviour and rape,said that some women over estimate their power over men,and that inexperienced women,dont realise that they only have power over men while the men let them.And that overestimation or their abilities to control men,lead them to engage in risky behaviour,which may lead them to be raped.This also does not apply to me,as i was the opposite.I had no illusions of power over him,i felt like he had all the power,and i dont think having someone round for a chat is high risk behaviour.I understand that it said that women do not provoke rape,but it seems to come across that way to me.Particularly by saying that when women engage in high risk behaviour,it is not if but when something bad will happen.It says that no matter how much you want to blame others,high risk behaviour is called that for a reason.I feel really angry at that theory.I feel as thought the pages are implying that a woman can lead a man on,then expect to be raped if she doesnt want to have sex with a man.It feels a bit like it is trying to justify rape,and men attacking women as part of their natural mating behaviour,abdicating them of their responsibility to control themselves.I have been feeling a bit upset tonight,thinking about what happened to me,and i am very angry at the man who did it to me.I no longer blame myself for it,but reading those pages could make anyone doubt herself i feel,and that makes me angry.
I might give some jewelley away,thats a good idea.I was thinking about what you said about when i felt confident dealing with men coming on to me in the past,and i have to say,i have never felt that i have dealt with men confidently,and that worries me.There was a male friend i have who tried it on once and i said no,and he backed off,but i had to keep saying no for him to get the message.The only other thing i could try now is ignoring their behaviour or comments.I just feel that in the past,the longer i have been in a situation where someone has tried it on,the less confident i feel telling them to get lost.,as i get intimidated easily,and feel powerless.I find it difficult to expect to handle men confidently at the moment,as i feel i dont have much power.The web page on boundaries was good,as it said that if you dont know your boundaries,you wont know when someone has overstepped them.I think that when i met the rapist,i didnt know what was acceptable and unacceptable behaviour from other towards me,so didnt realise that what he had done was unacceptable at first,until my logical mind kicked in and i said no.The page said that you have to know what is and isnt accpetable behaviour for you forn other people.I think thats what i have to wrok on in counselling,learning ot trust myself more,by creating boundaries for myself to look after myself and protect myself.It might not stop someone trying it on with me,but i will hopefully then realise when someone is trying to invade my space,and i hope to become stronger in myself.I find it hard to visualise that at the moment though.

yes,i did feel more stressed when i was wearing the pendant,as it reminded me of what happened.so i think i made the right decision getting rid of it.

[diana_holbourn]

I've never read the whole of that website, so I didn't know what else it said. I only read that page, and found those characteristics informative. I'll have to do some more investigation of the site.

If you've never felt confident about standing up to men who try it on with you, do you know anyone who is, who you could model your behaviour on?

[scared]

Hi,im not sure,maybe my belly dance teacher.She has big boobs,and people do stare at her when she dances,and when she is dancing she has a playful camp style,she really hams it up.She is very facially expressive.I think the way seems to deal with people generally,is to brush things off,and not make a big deal of it.I remember she emailed me once about a gig our group did,that i couldnt go to,and she said she didnt enjoy the gig for several reasons,one was that it rained,and they were dancing outdoors,and the other was that there were some men there who had been drinking etc.So she obviously doesnt like that kind of behaviour either.I dont know if i have ever seen anyone try it on with her,but i think she would either ignore it, or make light of it,as she seems a laid back kind of person.I do admire her confidence,although i have see her be nervous at times about her perfoming a new choreography to other dancers,so i think deep down she is nervous like anyone else.But she covers it well with her confident,and sometimes blunt way of saying things.We have had misunderstandings in the past when i thought she was being horrible to me,and she told me that she was surprised what she said upset me,as she is very honest,and sometimes people cant take it.But i dont think she means it nastily.I went to dancing class on tuesday night,and had a fabulous time,as there was only half the class there,so i got to speak to her more and tell her what dance i wanted to do when she asked me.So i was really pleased when she asked the others,and we all agreed.I was also pleased as we went through a dance she had taught us at a previous workshop,so only those of us that were at the workshop were able to go through it.Then she said would i and the other three who knew it be able to perform it.And she asked me if i would perform with the others at a gig in july.I was so pleased,as there are a group of four outspoken women in the group,who dominate the teacher at times,and seem to muscle in on her time and attention,and they werent there at the class,so i was chosen.They will probably hear about the gig and go too,but it was nice to have been asked first.I used to think that i was in love with her,from when we first met 5 years ago,and i had strong feelings for her until about a year ago,then i told her how i felt.She took it really well and said she was flattered,but i felt really awkward in class afterwards,thinking that she knew how i felt.(she has a boyfriend).But then i felt that before i told her,she used to speak to me more in class,and comment on my costumes etc.But after i told her,i thought that she had stopped doing that,and i felt upset that she commented on other peoples,and talked to them,but not to me.I mean,i might just have been reading too much into things,but i found that i didnt always get her group emails about dancing gigs til the last minute,or not at all.I emailed her once to say that i would like her to send me the info earlier if possible,so i could arrange childcare etc,and she totally blew her top.I only suggested that she took a list of names of who would be dancing at gigs in class,and then telling us when it would be etc.She said that she liked her way of doing things,she had beens ancing for 8 years etc.She made comments that others in the class were wary of me,and that i didnt seem to mix much with the others.She made me angry so i emailed her back saying that i disagreed etc.They flew back and forth for about a day until i told her to stop emailing me,i was really shocked and upset.Then the next week in class,she seemed to ignore me,although i might have imagined it.Then we moved on and now have a new understanding of each other.I dont get offended by her honesty anymore,as she does it to everyone,and i try and do the same back.I feel a lot more relaxed with her,as when i had the feelings for her,i was so shy i couldnt even speak to her for ages.I think i still fancy her a bit,but not strongly as i did before,i think i was attracted to her confident manner,and she is quite sexy.Do you think she would mind if i asked her for tips on how to handle blokes coming on to me? I emailed her last week asking her for her advice about how to deal with people who dont accpet me for who i am,as she has trained in psychology,and knows about things like that.ANd she sent me a lovely email back,which really helped.She is one of those people who can seem approachable one minute,but if you offend her,you'd better watch out.But i have a lot of respect for her honesty with people,even if it does come across in the wrong way.
I had a call from my friend fron the college group,who is woeking at the placment i have the interview for.She said that she hadnt got many clients from them,and she joined them in january.She told me a few things the worried me about the placment,but i will go to the interview and see how it goes,but i feel less positive about getting my hours done there.So i will try and find another one to go with it or something.I am just fed up with the whold business o finding a placement,i seem to have tried everywhere about a hundred times.I am seriously losing my motivation.I am still wainting to hear from one place,and if i dont hear by next week i will try them again,and there is another place i might try next week.If i didnt want to be a cousnellor and do paid work,i would have given up long ago.I havent heard anything from the friend that i texted on tuesday night,and probably wont,still at least ive said what i needed to.