rape

[scared]

i have been thinking,my mind annoys me sometimes,that i always have to analyse situations that should be so simple.I think i just felt sorry for him,andi have always been drawn to people with problems,and when he said he wanted to learn english,i wanted to help.I was like that at school too,i made freinds with a girl who everyone picked on,and really liked her,but then everyone started avoiding me because i was friends with her.I have a habit of recscuing people and helping people who seem nice,without thinking that it might put me out in some way.And i dont need the stress of other peoples problems at the moment,so i think i did the right thing not giving him my number even if i did like him,as i dont want to get wrapped up in someone elses problems.what do u think?

[scared]

true.wasnt sure what you mean by 'you'll feel happy enough to feel independent of others?'

[diana_holbourn]

Children can be cruel sometimes, avoiding people for being friends with someone they're bullying and things like that!

It's difficult to know how things would have turned out if you'd given him your phone number, but at least you gave him the address of the local college, so he knows he does have somewhere to go where he can be taught English.

By that thing about you being happy, I meant that if you've made yourself happy because you're caring for yourself well, you might not feel vulnerable to wanting others to care for you, since you'll be doing it well yourself, so you might not need anyone else to.

[scared]

i think now that if i had given him my phone number,he may have tried it on with me,and then i would have had to be firm with him and tell him i am gay and not interested in a relationship.I would then feel bad for him,as he might have felt rejected.So i am now sure i did the right thing.I think i will feel nervous going by his shop another time,in case he sees me and wants to chat,as i think the only way he will get the message is if i dont go in there again,as i dont want any more hassle off him.I am feeling a bit wierd,as it was my last day at college today.On the one hand,i am happy its over,but on the other,i have been going there for 3 and a half years since i started the introduction to counselling course,and it will be wierd not going in every week.I shant miss the group though,,because of how they treated me.Your message about what happens to your thoughts when you worry was spot on with me.My mind thinks up all sorts of wierd things when i am stressed,most of which arent true.I suppose the trick is to acknowledge them,but pay no attention to the wierd thoughts.Do u watch big brother? I have seen bits of it,as i dont like reality tv much,but i thought id have a look to see what kind of people were in there.I am really shocked at the vulnerable people that are in there.Some of which may be mentally ill or unstable.I am appalled that the programme makers decided on these people to put in there,it seems really irresponsible,and all in the name of entertainment!

[diana_holbourn]

I personally think you did the right thing by not giving him your phone number, although of course I can't be sure. But for him to insist you give it to him after you said no does sound as if he wasn't being respectful, and perhaps that would have been a sign of things to come, and he didn't give you a good reason why he wanted it. You might not need to be nervous when you pass his shop. If he's into trying it on with people, he might have done it to several more people by next week, so he might not even remember you much soon. Having said that, he might not be like that at all. I couldn't be sure.

I don't watch Big Brother, but it does sound worrying that they're making entertainment out of people like that. I think a lot of the things on television for the sake of entertainment are in bad taste.

[scared]

Although i felt ok when i left college yesterday,i felt really empty this morning.I realised that i had nothing to do for college,and no other plans,and i could feel myself getting a bit depressed.So i took myself off to the shope to look for curtains for my bedroom,and found some i hope will do.I guess i have been used to going to college for a long time,and it will take me a while to get used to it being finished.I have an interview for my new placment for after half term,so will have to prepare for that next week.But i do feel sad about college,sad that i didnt get on with the people there,because they were narrowminded,and sad because i enjoyed some of the course.Am looking forward to my belly dancing class next week,and an going away next weekend.But i feel like i just dont know what to do with myself now college has finished,its a wierd feeling.Thinking,thats it,just the placment to do and portfolio,then get a counselling job eventually.It seems a shame that it could be between 6 months and a year until i finish my 100 hours,and start looking for a job.I would like to get any part time job now,in rertail or something,but need to sort out when my placment will need me there first.I feel a bit lost at the moment,and that feels scary...

[diana_holbourn]

Congratulations on getting an interview for a placement.

It's a pity you didn't enjoy being at college more.

You might be able to think of good ways to make use of your time. For instance, can you think of anything you could do to help you in your placement, like reading up on your notes from the part of the course you enjoyed to remind yourself of counselling techniques you thought were good or something? You might be able to think of quite a few useful things you could do that would make this time a really good opportunity to do things. I wonder if you could do any work shadowing, where you could spend a few days with an organisation and listen in on the counselling sessions they're doing? It might not be possible. But it might be worth phoning up an organisation you're especially interested in to ask, like the ones you mentioned that counsel gay people near you. If they say no, it might still work in your favour if you went for a job with them one day, because you could bring it up and it would prove you were interested in them.

[scared]

Hi,thanks,i will try it.I dont know what to do,i ahve talked about being raped in my counselling sessions,and have move on to talk about other things connected with that lately.And when i went over what happened in my mind,the emtions were getting weaker.But over the last two or three wekks,whenever i have thought about what happened,I have started to get really scared again.I accpeted that i was raped during my counselling,but have always felt stuck,because,althought i remember clearly what happened when he came round that night before he raped me,and i remember telling him to stop,I dont remember what else he or i said during the attack.When i told him to stop,he said he was trying to be gentle,and that he had to stretch me to break my hymen.He then carried on,but i dont remember if i nodded for him to carry on,as i was so terrified and crying.I dont remember if after i said stop,i said anything else at all.I feel this is eating away at me.Because i think,if i did then nod after what he said,does that mean i wasnt raped? I feel he should have stopped,as i did say stop and he didnt stop,and he could see that i was crying and terrified.But because my mind has blocked out what i said after he said what he said,I feel really bad about it still.I mean,as i said stop,and he didnt stop until he had managed to penetrate me,thats rape isnt it.please hepl me,i find it so hard to understand.He was also completely unemotional and mechanical,he didnt try to kiss me or touch me anywhere else.Then he left soon afterwards,leaving me in shock and feeliong terrified.When i told him i was bleeding a lot,and had done during it,he said that was normal,as i was previouisly a virgin.I just dont know what to do,im so scared again..

[scared]

I feel that it was rape,as i said no,and he carried on.Afer saying no,i didnt know what i was saying,as i was so terrified.It was about his power over me,i could see it in his face,he wasnt romantic and didnt use any foreplay,just tried to penetrate me.It was all about what he wanted,i dont think he cared about what i wanted.He was unemotional.when he got what he wanted,he left.i am so angry now..

[scared]

I think i have been doing what you said in your messge,about when we worry about things,we can think thoughts that arent true,may be true.I do not think i nodded after he said what he said.I would remember if i did wouldnt i.I have been thinking things through more clearly,and after i said stop,and he said he was being gentle etc (he wasnt,he was really hurting me),he carried on thrusting,trying to penetrate me,so it was rape.

[diana_holbourn]

Yes, it definitely sounds like rape. It sounds as if he was selfish and abusive and just didn't care about your feelings. Even if a person said something like "Oh, go on then" after they'd made it obvious that they didn't want it, it would still have been rape, because it would have been obvious to him that he was going against their will, and they might have just said it because they were scared something even worse would happen if they kept struggling and saying no.

It would have been rape, because it would have been extremely obvious to him that you didn't want it by the way you were acting. He was bound to have known he was doing wrong. And then he carried on being abusive by lying to you afterwards about how much it was normal to bleed.

[scared]

thankyou so much. When he came round for the evening,we got on fine and had a chat about things,and i told him i was gay,and he asked if id ever been with a man before.I said no (as i was only 19).He therefore knew i was a virgin.This is when i started to get nervous,as it was the first time we had chatted.Then my mum rang,and while i was talking on the phone,he started sucking my fingers.I was really shocked,and told hime to stop.He stopped,so i was less worried.But then he asked me to have oral sex with him.I said no.Then he asked me to have sex with him.He said he knew what he was doing as i was a virgin.I stupidly thought,'I've got to sleep with a man sometime',although i didnt fancy him at all.He seemed caring and charming.So i agreed to have sex.He told me to get on the bed and pull my jeans down.I was really scared so i did as i was told.He was very dominant and confident,and i felt the opposite.So i got on the bed and pulled my jeans down.Then straight away he started to try and penetrate me.I then told him to stop,and that he was hurting me.I was in a lot of pain.Then he said he was being gentle etc and carried on and didnt stop.I lay then paralysed with fear,and was really upset.So he carried on trying to penetrate me until he got it in.Then i felt some relief as the pain was less.Then he pulled out.I was shaking with fear,and i had bled a lot on the bed.I asked him about it,and he said it was normal for a first time.I stupidly believed him,and convinced myself that everyones first time was like that.Then he left me.I felt numb the next day,as something felt really wrong.Then a while later (i cant remember how long after), he persuaded me to keep seeing him.Until one day i realised what he was really like and left him.I think i fond it hard to forgive myself that i said i would have sex with him on that first night,because i was really scared,and then said no.I wish i could have just told him to leave when he first suggested it,but i wasnt a strong person like i am now.But i think thats why i feel so guilty still about what happened.I feel so angry that he knew i was a virgin,and manipulated me.The other thing that makes me angry,is that after i had slept with him again after i started seeing him,he said he had proved i wasnt gay! My counsellor said that that was stupid,as just because someone sleeps with someone,doesnt mean they're not gay.I agree with that.

[diana_holbourn]

One of the problems with today's culture is that it teaches people that they're just not cool if they haven't slept with someone, and that they can be respected more if they have, or that it's important to have the experience. And it's no wonder teenagers start believing that kind of thing when they get the message so often. Do you think that was anything to do with the reason why you agreed to have sex with him? It's nothing to feel stupid about. Or guilty. He would have known you'd changed your mind when you told him to stop, And he must have known you were upset. If he'd had any consideration whatsoever, he would have stopped. And he wouldn't have gone about it like that in the first place. In fact, if he'd had any consideration, he wouldn't even have asked you to have sex with him after you told him you were gay. Or even if you hadn't, to ask someone to have sex with them that soon isn't considerate. Perhaps he was on some kind of perverse ego trip where he thought that having sex with someone who hadn't had sex with a man before would make him feel powerful. You can't blame yourself, since you didn't know what kind of person you were dealing with. He may have seemed charming, but a lot of abusive men do, apparently, at least at first.

And he was wrong to have said he'd proved you weren't gay. Even if your body was getting physically aroused at all, that's just the way bodies are programmed to behave to sexual stimulation.

[scared]

I have only recently remembered that several months before i met my rapist,i was talking to a friend,who asked me if id had sex yet.And she said that when you have sex for the first time,its is painful,and it is normal to bleed.But then the next time it is better,so i think it was her that put the idea into my head.As it had not occured to me at that time,as i belonged to a gay social group,and felt comfortable around women.I think that i felt that i was less grown up than her in a way,because i hadnt been with a man.I feel that he definately saw me as a challenge,as though how could i know i was gay if id never been with a man.And he was so pleased with himself after i had slept with him when i was seeing him.When i was seeing him,he used to boast about his sexual skills,and i think now,he was obssessed with sex,he would always be talking about it,or wanting to do it.So i think that and what my friend said made me think i should try it.I didnt fancy him at all,and was really shocked when he asked me for sex,particularly as it was the first evening we had spent together.The way he asked,made it sound like he was asking if we should put the tv on or something,really matter of fact.But somehow he convinced me to do it.But then when he went to do it,my logical mind kicked in and i said no.He convinced me that i must be bisexual when i was with him.Although at the time i believed him,since then i feel i was always gay,as i was never 'there' mentally during sex,and could never relax and have an orgasm.And i used to feel so dirty and used afterwards.I would have to imagine i was with a woman during sex,to be able to enjoy it.I was so depressed i took two overdoses,but he didnt care.I think i was gay because if he asked me to do anything to him,i didnt want to,i had no desire to touch him or kiss him.And i certainly didnt fancy any other men,only other women.I think i thought that at 19,i was getting old to have not had sex (before it happened),and that i ought to do it.It did make him feel powerful to know that he had 'converted' a gay woman,it made him feel really good.*******!

[diana_holbourn]

He sounds sadistic and disgusting and wrapped up in his own ego. At least you broke away from him when you did.