rape

[scared]

Hi,I feel so awful at the moment.My mum just picked my daughter up and took her swimming,so i decided to go to tescos to get a paper to enjoy my free time.When i got to the paper stand,there was a man there,who i have seen before there,who puts the papers on the stands.I was looking at the cover of the daily mail,deciding whether to buy it,when he came up behind my and put his hands on my shoulders,and moved me to one side,so he could put more papers on it.I was a bit surprised,and didnt like him touching me.But i brushed it off,telling myself not to be silly.Then i carried on looking at the daily mail,and the man came up to me again and said &#39;do u want a mail?&#39;,meaning daily mail paper.I stopped reading and looked at him,and he had a smile on his face,as though he was implying &#39;do you want a male?&#39;,not &#39;mail&#39;.He had this dirty expression on his face.I just quickly said &#39;im not sure yet&#39;and moved away from the papers.But i felt really shocked,and scared,and when i left the store i had a panic attack,and felt worse and worse.He may have only meant the paper,but it was just his face.I feel really disgusted with him,and am trying to calm down now,after i went there 20 minutes agoo.I feel that this is a real setback,as i felt that i had got over being scared of men,and not wanting them to look at me,and now i feel again that i dont want them to look at me.I feel really scared that he touched me without asking.This may seem really mad to you,but i still feel really scared now,and dont even want to go out,except i have to go to my mums soon to see my daughter,so i have to.I dont want to feel like this,i really hate it,i just dont know what to do,please help me...I need some advice.Am i mad to feel like this? I even feel dirty since he touched me,maybe this is because i have realised recently that i have some obsessive compulsive behaviour symptoms,but i feel i want to wash him off me.I mean,he didnt just touch my arm,he grabbed my shoulders from behind,not roughly,but i was still shocked.Please can u reply.. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/helpsmilie.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif[/img]

I now have to go to mu mums,and pretend i am ok.

[diana_holbourn]

Perhaps he just thought he was being funny. I think some boys start thinking sexual innuendos are funny in their teens when they&#39;re at school, and they still haven&#39;t grown out of it sixty years later; they&#39;re still laughing at exactly the same old things&#33; It&#39;s strange how they never seem to get tired of them. But it was a bit rude of him to move you out of the way instead of asking if you could step aside. But it may be that a lot more men talk dirty and that&#39;s about it than go in for serious harassment.

I think it&#39;s quite common for people to be getting over something and then to experience a strong fear reaction when they&#39;re surprised by something that has similarities to what made them scared before. But it doesn&#39;t necessarily mean they&#39;ll go back to how they were before. It will often just be a temporary thing. So you might recover quite a bit faster than you did before.

It might help if you try some relaxation techniques and thinking reassuring thoughts, like thinking there wasn&#39;t much he could have done in such a public place.

Have you thought of getting an attack alarm to carry around with you? It might make you feel safer.

[scared]

I feel really silly now at my reaction now,but at that moment,it felt really treatening.I dont like people touching me without being asked either.I came home and felt I had to wash myself,not lots of times,just once,to make me feel better,as it felt like my skin was dirty.I am worried that it is a milder ocd symptom.But then i felt better as I managed to calm down.I felt angry as well,like how dare he touch me like that,I have alot of anger towards men at the moment.Its getting better,as I have a close male friend,but with men i dont know i just dont trust them,and probably never will.I guess i managed to calm down by saying to myself,he prbably didnt mean anything by it.I was scared and just froze to the spot at the time.I guess before the rape memories came up,I would have just shrugged it off and ignored it.But even before the memories came up,I have never liked sexist humour,and the kind of attitude like workmen often have.It has always made me angry,but nowhere near as bad as this reaction.I guess my reaction.amd the strength of it freaked me out,and that made me more upset.

[scared]

I guess I am used to men coming on to me,like they have in the past,either in fun or agressively,and i think what right has a man to treat a woman like an object,as they do sometimes.I guess one of the thoughts still troubling me about me being raped,is that i still see all men as having the power to rape women if they wanted to,and that scares me.Just the thought that they could do it scares me.And i dont know how to deal with that.

[diana_holbourn]

There&#39;s no need to feel silly about your reaction. It&#39;s called pattern matching when people are reminded of something else by something. It&#39;s something the brain does to speed up people&#39;s reactions to things. For instance, when someone sees a table, they know it&#39;s one because the brain matches it up with the images of tables it has stored in its memory. That means people don&#39;t have to think about what it is before they recognise it. But the process can go wrong when the brain matches up something with a bad memory, because then the emotional part of the brain causes a bad reaction really quickly before the thinking part of the brain has time to think through what&#39;s happened and realise it isn&#39;t threatening after all. Maybe if you start to have another bad reaction or a man looks at you and you don&#39;t like it, it could help if you say to yourself, "Oh, my brain&#39;s pattern matching again."

I don&#39;t like the fact that some men think they have the right to be disrespectful either.

It may be true that all men have the power to rape women, but that doesn&#39;t mean all men would want to. When you think about it, all women have the power to harm other people in lots of different ways, but it doesn&#39;t mean they&#39;d want to. Simon Bates who used to be on Radio 1 once said that feminists sometimes characterised all men as potential rapists, but he thought it would be more appropriate to think of all men as wimps on the inside.

[scared]

thankyou,that makes sense.I am a bit churned up since my last counselling session,where i talked about my relationship with him after it happened.I saw him for several months.I was telling my counsellor that i thought i was gay,before the rape,and was really depressed,and hated myself.I had no self worth.Then after i started seeing him we slept together a lot,cause he was obsessed with sex,and because i wanted to eperiment with my sexuality.But what i find it hard to accept,was that i did get something out of having sex with him,not registering at the time that he had raped me.I believe that the reason i slept with him was to punish myself for being gay,and to try and deny it to myself.And for that moment when i had sex,it took me out of my depression and self loathing.It just makes me feel sick to know that i enjoyed sex (physically) with a man who raped me.When we did have sex,physically it was ok,but mentally i was always somewhere else,I didnt connect with him and i couldnt relax fully.I thought that this might be because i thought i was gay,but maybe it was also because subconciously my body knew that he&#39;d raped me.After he raped me,I went to uni the next day,and felt very confused and upset,yet somehow he convinced me to start seeing him and sleeping with him.I feel bad about myself now,for letting him manipulate me.I dont know how to come to terms with this...

[diana_holbourn]

Don&#39;t be hard on yourself for having let him manipulate you. People make all kinds of mistakes as they go through life. And I don&#39;t suppose you had all that much experience. The important thing is that you know better now and probably wouldn&#39;t let it happen again with anyone. People with low self-worth can sometimes be easily led by others because they don&#39;t trust their judgment as much as people with more confidence can, and they can be grateful for attention if it makes them feel better for a while, so they can be less choosy than someone who&#39;s confident in themselves and so feels sure they can go for someone much better. Enjoying sex physically is just a natural physical response the body&#39;s programmed to have. So it isn&#39;t something you should blame yourself for or feel bad about or anything. And if your mind was being taken off your depression temporarily a lot because of it, it&#39;s understandable that you&#39;d want to resort to that in the short term. But if you can find other ways of becoming more mentally healthy, again, you&#39;ll never fall for that kind of thing again because you&#39;ll have better ways of coping and you&#39;ll have more self-respect. The more respect you have for yourself, the more confident you can be that you&#39;ll make sure you only go for relationships that seem a lot better in the future.

So it might help if you can make a list of as many reasons as you can as to why you&#39;re entitled to respect yourself now, like all your achievements, and any positive things you can think of about yourself, and all the reasons you don&#39;t have to feel bad about yourself for being gay.

[scared]

thankyou so much for your advice,that really made sense to me.You are right that confident people can trust their own judgement.Thats exactly the issue that i need to work on in counselling.I do trust my own judgement a lot better than i used to.But ive noticed that in counselling,i often explain the problems to my counsellor,and then want to hear her interpretation if them,as part of me needs her to believe me,and to believe that my interpretation of how i feel is accurate.She has noticed this and brought it up before.Its like the last post i described.I explained how i felt being with him,and that i felt that i was gay when i was seeing him,but in denial.And i wanted her to say &#39;yes,you could have been gay then&#39;, so when she said that some people are bisexual,i felt angry at her.I said that i didnt feel that i was then,as i didnt fancy men,and didnt fancy him.Its sounds wierd,but i was not sexually attracted to him,in the sense of wanting to please him sexually,and used to think about women a lot when i was with him.I think i just had a strong need to feel loved and cared for,and he seemed to be meeting those needs,so thats what the attraction to him was about.Although i had to put up with his arrogance and manipulation.You were right,i did put up with it because of the positive attention he gave me at times.I definately know better now,and would not put up with it again.Although i recognise that i still have a vulnerability when people seem to be caring for me,so have to be careful not to go there again.

[scared]

I am going to see my counsellor tomorrow about the issue,and am not sure how to approach it,any ideas?

[diana_holbourn]

Maybe you can ask if she has any suggestions on how you could learn to trust your own judgment more.

The thing about being angry with her about what she said before is that she might not have meant to make you angry. She might have just been suggesting what she did as an option, thinking you might not have thought of it. So perhaps it would be best to be cautious about accusing her of anything.

What do you think it is that&#39;s helped you to trust your own judgment better than you used to? If you can think of what it is, perhaps you&#39;ll know what to do more of to help you trust it more.

It may be that the better you get to feel about yourself, the less vulnerable you&#39;ll be to falling for people who seem to be caring but have an abusive side. What do you think you could do to help yourself feel better about yourself? What&#39;s worked for you in the past?

[scared]

Hi,a wierd thing happened yesterday.I walked to the shops near my house,and went in to have a look in a turkish carpet and jewellery shop.The owner started chatting to me,and he was really sweet.He asked me if i knew where he could have english lessons,as he wanted to learn more english.I wrote down the address of the local college.And he asked me questions about what different shepes were called in english,by drawing them on paper and showing me.We chatted for quite a while and he seemed really friendly.I did some bartering with him as there was a pendant i wanted.He said i could have it for ?6.99,and i asked if hed take a card.He said only cash,but found i only had ?2.50 in my purse,so he said to pay him that,and come back another time with the rest of the money.I thought that was really nice of him.Then he said could he give me his phone number,and i said yes to be polite.Then he asked me for mine.I politely said that i didnt want to give him my number.I felt really embarrassed and awkward,as he kept asking me,and asked why i wouldnt give it to him.I couldnt really give a reason,just that i dont give my number to people i dont know that well.I felt really awkward,and then said maybe he&#39;d got the wrong idea.As i thought maybe he fancied me.He said he hadnt got the wrong idea,but that i had a lovely voice.Im thinking now maybe he wanted to learn english from me,as he&#39;d asked me earlier on if i could answer some questions he had etc.In the end i said i had to go and left.Now i have to go back with the rest of the money and im a bit nervous.He didnt seem like he was trying to come on to me,but im very cautious around men,im a very wary of being taken advantage of and manipulated.I felt like telling him i am gay to see how he would react,but felt too shy.What shall i do if he asks for my number next time i go in there?

[diana_holbourn]

I don&#39;t blame you for not giving him your phone number. After all, I think people have to be cautious with people they don&#39;t know. So I think it was reasonable of you to have said what you said. Maybe if he asks again when you go back, you could smile in a friendly way but repeat that you have a policy of not giving your phone number to people who you don&#39;t know very well, and then try and distract him by trying to be casual while changing the subject, asking him a question or telling him a story about something that happened recently or something, and then smiling and saying goodbye.

[scared]

thankyou,i will do that.Hopefully he was just wanting to make friends,but i find it too risky at the moment being friends with a new guy,as i would be worried that he might try it on at some time.i think i will go back tomorrow to get it over with,as if i put it off i will worry about it.

[scared]

Hi,i was really stressed last night thinking about the situation,i just thought,aniother bloody problem to deal with.I got myself in a state of confusion,not knowing what to do about it.I felt really scared about going back as well,as i know im not as assertive in dealing with things at the moment.I did go back this morning,i was going to wait as i had a lot to do today,but i knew it would be on my mind if i didnt.So i went in and said i had brought the money i owed him.We had a quick chat,then i said i had to go,as i had appointment,which i did.Then he said had i still got his number,i lied and said yes,although i threw it away.He then asked me for his number again,and kept asking me.I felt so self conscious and embarrassed,as i hate being put on the spot,i could feel myself going red and sweating.But i said no,as i didnt know him well.But i felt so awkward,as he seemed a sweet and genuine guy,i did like him as a person,based on my first impressions of him the other day.He just seemed sort of sweet and innocent,and it made me feel like a cynical suspicious british person.Having been to turkey last year,the guys over there seem to look after their women,and he seemed caring,although i dont know much about him,so you can never be sure.So i said no,then said i had to go.I had to make a quick exit,as i didnt know what else to say,i just felt really awkward,and didnt know how to deal with the pressure he seemed to be putting on me.I wasnt really scared,just felt really uncomfortable.He then asked me if i would come in and see him again,and i said yes,as i didnt want to hurt his feelings if he was just being friendly.But i know i wont go back,it would make me too nervous.I just dont knw how to relate to men,as i dont mind having them as friends,but every bloke ive ever been friends with in the past,has made moves on me sooner or later.Except one male friens,who is older than me,and he has never done that.I just get really fed up with men coming on to me.I mean,i dont hate men,and i would have liked to become friends maybe with this guy,but i cant take the risk to get to know him,and then for him to come on to me.Did i do the right thing today? I just feel i cant handle being friends with any new men at the moment,as i cant handle their behaviour. What worried me is that the guy in the shop was quite charming in a way,and i felt a bit taken with his charm,not sexually attracted to him,but he seemed nice.And it made me aware that i am still vulnerable to being exploited or manipulated,and i dont like that thought..

[diana_holbourn]

I don&#39;t think there was anything wrong with you not giving him your phone number. I think people have to be careful. Even if he wasn&#39;t just after one thing, he might have wanted a relationship, so he would have been disappointed somewhere down the line. If he didn&#39;t want a relationship, it seems odd that he should be so insistent within such a short time of meeting you that you give him your phone number.

The trouble with saying you still had his phone number was that he might have thought it was a hint that you were interested in him. I know it&#39;s awkward when you don&#39;t want to hurt people&#39;s feelings. When you get more confident, this kind of thing will probably be easier. Also, when your self-esteem goes up, maybe you won&#39;t be so vulnerable to being exploited by other people who seem to care for you, because maybe you&#39;ll feel happy enough to feel independent of others.