rape

[scared]

Hi,although I feel i know myself,I do not ever force my views onto other people,whether they like it or not.I dont think i explained myself well in my last post.If someone asks me my opinion,I will tell them,even if it is not the same as the traditional view,I like to look at things from all sides and angles.I feel i have had to be assertive sometimes with the people on my course,as i do not like being bullied,and am prepared to dtand up for myself sometimes.I sometimes react defensively before i realise i am being defensive,if i have strong feelings that i have kept to myself,and then let out,regretably sometimes in the wrong way.I sometimes find it hard to find the right words to express how i feel,if i have strong feelings about something.I feel that i may sometimes come across as arrogant,when i dont mean to be.I have a strong sense of justice,and who i am,and maybe i get agressive when i am trying to be assertive.What i resent in my course tutor,is the way that she has said that she feels that because i have had had personal issues,and taken some time off placment,that that is a sign of emotional weakness,when i feel that it is a strength,as i know myself well enough to sometimes put importance on my psychological needs when i need to.After all,i dont feel i did it unprofessionally,as my client was happy to rearrange our sessions,and i agreed time off with my placment supervisor. I feel that most of the time,i do say things appropriately to people at college or otherwise,but sometimes i dont,everyone makes mistakes.I have learnt in counselling not to beat myself up about things,but to take action and move on.I want to be a counsellor to assist people to overcome their problems,or to cope with them better,I would like to work with gay and bisexual people,as i feel i understand the kind of issues they may have,although everyones experience is different.I want to see people become more of who they think they are,not eho others think they should be.

[diana_holbourn]

I wasn't suggesting I thought you might do everything I said in my message, but thinking that even if your style is often confrontational, it won't necessarily matter, since the situations you experience in counselling might be very different from the ones that make you want to be defensive or whatever. If your friend was concerned that if someone told you about a problem that made you angry because it was like one you'd had to deal with, you'd express your feelings instead of trying to help them over it because you'd get too emotional over it, well, you're the only person who knows how likely that really is to happen, and if you think it might, then it at least means you're aware of the possibility so you can check yourself and use self-control to stop it happening if you think it's about to.

And since your role will involve a lot of listening, I'd have thought it won't matter so much if you sometimes find it difficult to find the right words to express how you feel.

And if you do get strong feelings because of the things some people say, hopefully there will be colleagues you can express them to.

If you know who you want to counsel, finding a placement might be easier, since I know there are organisations that counsel gay people over the phone, so with some of them, it might not matter where you were in the country; you could still do it if they let you. And even if they said you needed to be trained for a few months first, it presumably wouldn't matter so much, since you might end up working for them anyway, or an organisation very similar, so it wouldn't be a waste of time. And if it's something you really want to do, then perhaps you'd be more willing to work for them longer hours next year to make up for the time this year you couldn't be working on a placement because they were still training you. If an organisation like that was willing to train you, hopefully your tutor would agree. So if you have or can get hold of a list of organisations that counsel gay people either in your area or over the phone, it might be worth contacting them over the next few days. And if you talk to them about your own experiences of coming to terms with your sexuality or whatever, that might be more influential in their decision as to whether to take you on than what your tutor says, especially if you can soften your tutor's attitude towards you by telling her what other factors stopped you performing at your best on the placement.

If she said it was a sign of emotional weakness that you didn't perform at your best on the placement, and yet she knew about the problems you had to cope with at the time, it just seems that she was being insensitive and silly! People aren't made of stone! If something goes horribly wrong in one part of their lives, it's bound to affect the way they perform in other parts of it. And it's sensible for them to want to look after their own psychological needs first, to prevent themselves feeling worse and ending up being off for longer or something.

[scared]

Hi,I have looked into gay organisations in my area,and there are none locally.There is one a bit further away,but I phoned them last week and they said that they already had students at the moment,and to phne back in a few months.I am just concerned that if i do that,and they dont take me on,i will have lost a few months potential work waiting,and will have to start searching again.I got an application form through for a bereavement counselling place last week.But it said there is a selections day in september,and if you get chosen from that,they might let you go on the training course which runs froms september to november.Then they said they may or may not take you on to work with them.They them do a 3 month trial period,after which they review whether to let you continue.But if i get that far with them,and they say not to continue,i may only have got 50 hours done,and then have to find another placement to finish them,and may run out of time.We are not allowed to use telephone counselling for our 100 hours,it has to be face to face.

[diana_holbourn]

Can you think of any areas of counselling where the issues brought up would be similar in any way to the issues that are likely to be raised by gay people wanting counselling? If you can, it might give you an extra idea or two about other types of organisations you could contact in the hope of getting a placement, where you might enjoy the work.

[scared]

i wish i could,will have to keep thinking on that one.

[scared]

I have been in to my placement today,trying to arrange a meeting with my client,to finish off our counselling.Tried ringing the school,they said to ring back,then they'd ring me,and they didnt,eventually said the person i needed to speak to wasnt there,really annoying.Still,i spent 2 hours phoning mew potential placments from there,while my supervisor was working in the other office,and didnt have much luck.Am waiting to hear back from 2,still waiting to hear from the one i applied to several weeks ago,who are chasing up my references.Things are looking really bad,particularly if i dont get the one i applied for.Have no idea where to go next.Have more problems since last thursday with my research group.We agreed at the end of last weeks session that we would all type up bits of the report,we said this as we were leaving for our lecture.the others said we would all discuss it by email.So i emailed them all last week,and over the weekend to ask which bits people were doing,and which i could do,and only one person has replied about it,today,saying she wasnt sure.(she was the nice one that knows about my problems)I had a nasty email from one person in the group last week,as we agreed that she was saying the intro bit of the presentation,and then asking the audience a question,and i was going to write their answers on a flipchart,to give me a part in the presentation.She emailed us all saying that she didnt want anyone taking down results in the presentation in her bit,as she thought it would take up too much time,in other words,she didnt want me to write on the flipchart.I replied by saying that i would like a part in the presentation,although i was not speaking.Then she replied saying that she wasnt trying to be mean,but i had said that i we all had a chance to take part in the presentation,and that it was my choice not to speak,and that she didnt want me to do it in her bit.I cant believe what a cheek shes got.I mean,i did have a choice,but she has no idea why i dont feel i can speak,,she is making it sound like ive been deliberately difficult.I said that i felt that we all might lose marks if i dont do some technical stuff.One of the others was happy for me to do the technical side.I think the others are ignoring my emails,which is really childish.I feel it is my right whether i tell them my problems,and the reasons why i dont want to speak or not,and they shouldnt be nasty to me because they dont understand.They dont deserve to know,as i certainly dont trust them with the knowledge.I am going for my counselling session tomorrow,and am a bit nervous after last week.I am not going to make an issue of the phone calls thing,but i need to say that i was unaware that it was not ok to phone.I am also feeling hurt that i spoke to a close friend last night,and she was really funny with me.She said that everyone has problems,and i cant pick and choose my clients at my placment,and that i have had a lot of problems.She said she felt that counselling was not right for me as a career because i have been upset a lot about my problems,and that everytime i speak to her i talk about my problems.I said that i thought friendships were about sharing problems and supporting each other.As i have supported her for years with all her mental health problems,anorexia,schizophrenia etc (i didnt list her problems to her).She said she thought i needed to see a doctor,and that i go on about being gay,and wanting to work with gay people,like being gay is the centre of my life.She now wants to meet up with me tomorrow.I wasnt very honest with her last night,and said she hadnt upset me,because she has a lot of mental health problems,and i thought it may cause her to relapse.I dont know if to meet up with her,as im really upset with her.

[scared]

Are you still out there Diana?Was wondering if you could reply to my post.

[diana_holbourn]

Sorry I didn't get back to you before.

Hopefully things will work out with the placement, but if you can't find anything soon, towards the end of the year, will a lot of places on placements be freed up by people who finished at college last year finishing their placements? That might mean you have a lot more you could try again, even if it did mean you were short of time. If it did take you a long time to find a placement and you're still looking in a few months' time, perhaps you could try that organisation for gay people again.

In the presentation, why would it take up that much time if you wrote the audience's answers down? Wouldn't you be doing it while she was speaking?

Yes, I don't blame you for not wanting to tell them your problems. If they agreed they'd treat each other empathically, perhaps they should be making more efforts to do so.

When is this presentation?

If your friend thinks that other people talking about their problems will remind you of yours and so that might upset you, well, I think only experience can tell you that. If it does happen, you might want to change careers, but perhaps it won't. And just because you tell her your problems, it wouldn't mean you couldn't cope with hearing about other people's without telling them yours. If you have supported her through a lot of things, maybe you could remind her. Some people get into a negative mind-set sometimes where they only think of things they're unhappy with and forget the good things, especially if they're depressed.

One thing that might cheer you up a bit is if you can think of all the qualities you demonstrated when you supported her through her problems that would help you be a counsellor. Maybe you could write a list of them. You wouldn't need to tell her about it; you could just keep it for yourself to encourage yourself.

[scared]

thankyou,i will try doing that.the presentation was today,in the end all i was able to do is operate the music,as noone responded to my email about what other technical things i could do.I just felt such a failure,as i saw my supervisor yesterday,the supervision went ok.She made out that things didnt work out at the placement for a number of reasons,including that she thought id been hesitant with my first client.(as i had to cancel 2 sessions because of my personal problems).She didnt directly say that i couldnt cope with the placment because of my problems,but thats what she meant partly.I feel such a failure for not getting on with the placment and being able to put my personal problems aside,but i felt so bad because of what came up in counselling,i just couldnt cope.Maybe i should havd ignored my problems and carried on counselling to make the placment happy.I decided to go to pd today,which went down really badly with the others on the course.They said that because id emailed the pd tutor a couple of weeks ago to say i wouldnt be coming to pd anymore,that last week in pd they had decided that this week should be happy,and that they would all bring presents for each other.They said they felt angry with me,as they thought that i should have told them that i wouldnt be going to pd last week,not just the tutor,and that i wouldnt be going.And that they were angry that i didnt tell them in the session before pd today,that i would be going.The tutor said she felt manipulated.Someone said that i just 'swanned in' today,and that i hadnt showed commitment to the group for not going last week,and going this week.Apparently i should have kept them informed!In the end,everyone said how they felt about whether i should stay,and people agreed that they didnt think i or they would get anything out of me staying,as they though we would all sit in silence.They said that the whole group has been centred around my 'power' that i had to sit there and say nothing,and they wanted to end the group on a lighter note.In other words,i had interfered with their plans.I told them i had had some personal problems,but that i wanted to be there this week as it was the last pd session.One person said that they also had personal problems,but that they had made a commitment to come to the group.So i left.Then in the presentation i felt really awkward as i knew that my research group were still angry with me for not wanting to speak.It made me feel like they were saying that i should just get over being raped,and the panic attacks,and the depression and anxiety and ignore my problems and get on with things.So i feel that my course tutor,my placment supervisor and the people on my course all feel that i should be able to cope better with my problems,and that my supervisor and tutor feel that the placment didnt work out because of me having personal problems.And that i shouldnt have taken time out to deal with them,even though i thought it was the most professional thing to do at the time.It alll makes me feel guilty again for being raped,and for not coping well with my problems,and i thought i had got past feeling guilty.Its ironic that the people on my course and my tutors and supervisor dont even know what happened to me,yet i feel they are judging me unfairly.Or are they right,am i a huge ****up and failure because the only 2 adult relationships i have had have been abusive,and because i am having trouble dealing with that at the moment.I feel so angry and like ive failed,i just dont know what to think...

[diana_holbourn]

Goodness! If I'd had to spend a couple of years with a group of people like that, ... well, I wouldn't be very happy either! And these people are soon to become counsellors! I think the country should be shuddering! Didn't they teach anything about communication skills on your course? If they did, it doesn't sound as if your group have taken much in! Instead of just expressing angry feelings, they ought to be willing to try to propose solutions to problems that'll be acceptable to both sides. It does sound as if they've been insensitive.

I don't think you should feel like a failure. It wasn't your fault if you couldn't do more technical things because the other students refused to respond to your emails. And it does sound as if your supervisor's been insensitive in expecting you to put the placement first. Problems like the ones you needed to deal with take a lot of coming to terms with, and they can affect people badly at first, so it's no wonder you had to take time off from the placement, and you shouldn't blame yourself for doing it, since it's probably what most people would have wanted to do. People need to put their own psychological needs first at times like that.

It does sound as if the students in the PD class were being unreasonable. I don't see any reason why you should have emailed them ahead of time to say you weren't going. And I don't see why you should have emailed them to say you were coming this week, especially if they don't even respond when you do email them. It wasn't your fault if they didn't like the fact that you turned up today. And it seems a bit silly for them to say you hadn't shown commitment to the group just because you weren't there last week. It does sound like an unhealthy group. If expressing feelings means that accusations fly all over the place, it would be healthier if they didn't do it. It does sound as if they're angry rather a lot. Perhaps some anger management training would do them some good! And they shouldn't blame you for all their bad feelings. Their bad feelings aren't all your fault or your responsibility. Perhaps it's time they learned to recognise that and learned to deal with them more constructively. And they shouldn't blame you for interfering with their plans today. After all, you weren't to know what they'd decided to do.

It's no wonder you wanted to keep silent in the group and not express your feelings when they behave like that!

Maybe for some reason they're all assuming your problems must be trivial things, and that's why they seem so insensitive. Maybe they'd feel differently and apologise if they knew what your problems really were, though I don't blame you for not telling them.

But don't blame yourself for what's happened.

[scared]

Im sorry if i implied that i thought you were ignoring me.I didnt think that,i was just feeling a bit fragile earlier.I agree with you,maybe im being too hard on myself,i mean,if i dont take care of my psychological needs first,how can i take care of others and counsel them.I am quite angry at myself that i did agree to leave the group,as i think i should have stayed on principle.But i didnt feel very strong at that moment,when they all,and the tutor started ganging up on me.People said they felt so strongly that they were so angry at me,that they felt like walking out.I feel my tutor could have been more empathic in her response to me.I cant understand why they have to turn everything i do or say in that group into a huge drama,it isnt such a big deal to me if i go or not,anyone would think id tried to murder them or something!I had thought that if they knew what the problem i had was,that they might see things differently,but i dont think they deserve to know,after how they've treated me in the group.Soneone said to me after pd,that we are all taking food to pd next week to share,and that i could come if i wanted,wonder if i could take some arsenic! I do think my tutor had a point about me setting myself up for rejection,albeit unconsciously.I do that in my frienships sometimes.If i feel friends are letting me down,by not being there when i need them,i overeact sometimes,and get angry and say things i regret afterwards.I am a bit oversensitive to being let down,maybe because i was abused and lied to in the past.Have you any ideas how i can break this pattern,as it does concern me.I agree that they have some serious anger issues,and maybe anger management would help them.Well,i'll be out of there at the end of next week,so it wont be my problem.

[scared]

I feel like im in a wierd place in myself at the moment.I feel a lot stronger than i did when the memory came up,but i feel like im in a battle with myself.Sometimes i think im happy with myself as i am,and that im not to blame for having problems etc,and sometimes i feel like i did earlier today,that the people at college are right,and i blame myself for everything,and feel bad about myself,and believe that their negative opinions of me are true,that i am how they say i am.I have to keep myself in check,and think i know myself better than they do,and all that matters is that im happy with myself,and that my opinion of me is right,not theirs.

[diana_holbourn]

Yes, you know yourself better than the other students at your college. Perhaps when you get upset about what they've said, you could write a list of all the things they said about you that weren't quite accurate and the reasons they weren't accurate.

Maybe when you feel let down by people and you start to get angry, it could help if you check yourself and think, "Hang on; I'm only getting angry because of what happened before".

Also, it could help if you think of all the reasons you can think of why the person might not be there at the time you want them to be. For instance, if someone left a message on someone's answerphone and they didn't get back to them within a few days, it might be that they were letting the person down, but it could be that they'd been so busy that they hadn't had time to attend to their phone messages, or they'd been called away suddenly somewhere, or they hadn't been feeling well, or their answerphone had broken.

Or if someone says they'll go out at the weekend with someone else but then they cancel at the last minute without leaving an explanation, it might be that they were letting the person down because they're untrustworthy, or it might be because they've got the flu or something, or someone's asked them for help at short notice, or a member of their family's been taken ill and they want to go and see them, or they suffer from depression and don't think they could face going out at the moment, or they realised after they made the arrangement that they'd made an arrangement to go somewhere before so they were double-booked, but were too embarrassed to say.

So sometimes it can help people if they try to think of as many possible explanations they can think of as to why the person's not doing what they want.

Another thing that can help is if people write down as many ways they can think of in which the person they feel isn't there for them when they need them is different from the people who abused them, to reinforce their knowledge that they're different people who might behave very differently.

[scared]

Yes thats a good idea.I have tried similar things in the past,but find it hard to think logically sometimes,as i when i feel let down im often thinking irrationally,and amvery emotional,which doesnt help me to think rationally,but im working on it.

[diana_holbourn]

Sometimes doing a few minutes' worth of relaxation exercises before you say anything can help. Often, people can think more rationally when they've calmed down. Or going for a run or doing something energetic around the house can help burn off the energy caused by anger, so that can help calm people down as well. So just remembering to do something like that when you start to get a bit angry could help.