rape

[scared]

I had an email back from my pd tutor this afternoon,saying that i dont need to tell my course tutor the details of why i am not going to pd again,but that it would be better coming from me to tell her that i am no longet going.So i just have to tell my course tutor that i am not going,and i will say it is partly because i dont feel the group is safe and respectful.I feel so strongly that because i have worked through my issue in counselling,i have come to the realisation that i can make my own decisions about what is in my best interests,and i am determined to look after myself psychologically,as i dont think i have in the past.For the first time in years,i am confident in my decisions,and that despite opposition,i feel i need to stick to my decision,and do what feels right for me.It is a huge step for me.Just have to sort the research group thing out now!It feels really good to have more confidence in myself,and to feel that my decisions are as valid as other decisions and views.I dont think i will not pass my course because of not going to pd,as we arent marked on it,but i will know more when i speak to my tutor tomorrow.I will look into the no panic thing,but feel that i am now able to challenge my ocd symptoms, so not sure i will need it.My counsellor suggested i challenge my obsessive thoughts using cognitive techniques,which i am going to try.

[diana_holbourn]

Well, I hope everything goes well. Yes, I don't think it's fair that you should have to go to a class where people are behaving disrespectfully and making you feel stressed, especially if you're hardly getting anything out of it.

I'm glad you're feeling more confident now.

[scared]

Hi,i am feeling upset this afternoon,as i went for my counselling session today.My counsellor said that there was something she had to say to me.She said that she was concerned about the boundaries between us,as i have phoned her twice between sessions.She said that she felt partly responsible,as she should have told me that our counselling time was just the session each week and not on the phone.I said that i had realised that my phone calls were inappropriate,and got upset.She reflected what i had said in a previous session,when i told her that i push people away,after becoming dependent on them.She said that she was not rejecting me,and that she was happy to see me until the term ends at college,as we had agreed.I just felt really awful,because it was true.I told her that i have never had a relationship where the other person doesnt judge me,or have their own agenda,and that other people in the past have always wanted something from me,so i find it hard to trust people,except my close friends.I felt like a real sad case!But what confuses me,is that she said today that she had been reflecting on this issue between our sessions over the last few weeks.And in the last session before this one,i apologised for phoning her the week before,and we talked about how i felt things were clearer after our phone call,and she said i neednt apologise.I am wondering why she didnt mention then that i shouldnt phone her between sessions,as it sounded today like it had been on her mind for two or three weeks.After she had said how she felt today,i felt so awful i didnt know what to say so was silent.I feel awkward now.I realise that she has her professionalism to maintain,but feel she could have told me earlier about the phone calls.I feel that some of our trust has broken down.Im not sure if she feels angry that i have phoned her twice between sessions.I came out of the session feeling that i had messed another relationship up.I hadnt the guts to tell her that i have been feeling dependent on her,as i thought she might stop seeing me.Do u think she would? Although she said she wont reject me,and will keep seeing me,i feel really guilty and embarrassed at what she said.I dont know what to do..

[diana_holbourn]

I don't think this is your fault. If you're feeling down after counselling sessions sometimes, it's no wonder you want to phone her up to talk some more to try to make yourself feel better, or to work through things a bit more. The problem with some counselling is that if you're bringing up upsetting issues, you're bound to think about them afterwards, so it's no surprise if you want support between sessions. People can't just switch off their emotions till the next counselling session. So it's no wonder you wanted to phone her between sessions. I think she should really have made the rules clearer and suggested other places you could turn for support before now. But twice isn't a lot really! It doesn't sound as if you've really done anything that wrong. It's not as if you've been phoning her after every session or anything.

I think it's quite common for clients to become dependent on counsellors, if they become close and they feel they're the only ones they can talk to. It wouldn't be fair of her to just stop seeing you just like that if you told her you'd become dependent on her. If she was worried, maybe a better thing for her to do would be to cut down the number of sessions you have to once a fortnight in the last weeks she sees you, so it isn't so sudden when she stops.

Maybe you can ask her if she can recommend other places you can turn to for support if you think you need it any time.

[scared]

Hi,i was thinking,should i challenge her,by mentioning that she said i neednt apologise,when i told her a couple of weeks ago that i was sorry i had phoned her the weeks before.And ask her why she didnt mention it then,that i shouldnt phone her.Or should i let it go.She also said today,that it was ok the odd time to phone if i really needed it.That confuses me,as the reasons i phoned before were because i really needed it.

[diana_holbourn]

It depends how much it's going to play on your mind, and whether you think you'll risk taking a proportion of the time you have left with her discussing it when you'd prefer to be discussing other things. If you think she's under the impression that you phoned up when you didn't really need to, it might be as well to clarify that you thought you did really need to, and remind her that she said it was allright to do that.

[scared]

Hi,my placement situation is now sorted.Unfortunately it means that i no longer have one in two weeks time.I went to see my supervisor today and she was really horrible.We talked about my client work that i have done,and how the placment has gone,and she basically blamed me for it not working out.She said i had been there since the end of febuary,and had only seen two clients,and that i was given the chance of supervision,and didnt always take it.She said i hadnt been to any child meetings,where they decide if a client can be taken on by the team,and my supervior would refer cleints to me.But she had only told me about one meeting,and i couldnt go as she let me know the day before,and i had an appointment.She was trying to make out that it was all my fault.I said that i was not happy with the start of my relationship,as i felt she could have given me more guidance on how to set a contract with a client,information i only got after i had seen my first client.She suggested a meeting between her and me and my college tutor to review things.I said ok,but then when i got home i phoned my tutor,and said i was unhappy about the meeting.I said that the supervisor saw things negatively,and told her what she had said,and i saw things differently.Luckily my tutor agreed that there was no point in the meeting also.So said shed phone up my supervisor and wrap things up over the phone,so i hope that went ok.Will find out tomorrow.My supervior also said that i had to meet with my last client in person,to tell him that i will no longer be counselling him.And make a seperate meeting with his parents (as he is 19),to tell them too.I am a bit annoyed i cannot do it by phone,but have to do as she says to do things properly for the client.I am so angry with my supervisor,she was awful.Now im worried because i have no placement.I have applied to another last week,and am waiting to hear,and have phone another one,who will hopfully get back to me,but if they fall through i dont know what ill do..

[scared]

i am just so fed up,when are things going to go right for me? i have worked so hard to get this course,i jkust want to counsel people,but all the red tape is pissing me off.I am also waiting to get a job,as i desperatly need some money.I will have to get another part time job anywhere soon,to earn some money,and hopefully do another placement part time,when i get one. IF i get one.I just feel like everythings felling apart.. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/helpsmilie.gif[/img]

[diana_holbourn]

Oh dear. It sounds as if the supervisor could have been a lot more helpful than she has been&#33; It must have been awkward not being given all the information you needed to know.

I wonder if your tutor could help you think of other places to look for placements? Do you think there might perhaps be local charities not on the list who might be interested? Maybe you could ask your tutor if she knows of other students whose placements fell through fairly late on and whether they looked for others in different places, and if so, where did they get the best results.

[scared]

IM SO PISSED OFF AND DEPRESSED.Things have got even worse with the placment thing.My tutor told me today,that she phoned my placment supervisor yesterday,and that she (my tutor) had just had a form for a reference from the agency i want to have for a new placment.Sh said that she was questioning what to put under the heading &#39;reliability&#39;, as she had some concerns after speaking to my supervisor that i had cancelled two appointments with a client,and had to rearranget them.She said that my supervisor thought that maybe that was why the client was less keen on counselling in the end.She also said,that the supervisor had said that i had sent her a text message weeks ago where i questioned when we were meeting for supervision.In other words,my supervisor thought i was calling her a liar,because when i turned up for supervision one week and she wasnt there,i phoned her,and then texted questioning if she had the right day.Basically my tutor said i should watch how i say things to the supervisor.She was questioning my professionalism.What really annoyed me was that i thought that it seemed that she was more inclined to believe the supervisor,when yesterday she seemed to support me.I said to my tutor that i was concerned that her opinions would affect what she put in my reference.She said she would be fair,but now im really stressed about it.I feel like my supervisor has poisoned my tutor against me with her unfair remarks about me at the placment.My tutor now thinks we should meet with the supervisor,and i think im going to get critcised in front of my tutor,so i dont want to go.I cant deal with it.My tutor also said that the supervisor had said that i had had some problems,and had to cancel the client sessions.This was true,but my tutor asked if i felt ready for a new placment.She said that i should have met my placment half way,and when in groups (ie at college,although she didnt say that directly i knew what she meant)and that i couldnt always have things how i wanted them.I couldnt believe she said that&#33; I said to my tutor that i felt i had tried really hard on the placment,had gone in every week,and did good client work.I also said i felt i had bent over backwards to fit in with the group.I mean,she knows about the bullying ive had at college and was quite supportive.She now seems to be saying it was my fault&#33; I feel like im being punished by my supervisor and tutor for being raped,and for having personal problems to deal with.I cant help how bad i felt after that came up in counselling.I told my tutor that i had been in counselling and deal with my issues,and am getting better (although i am not sure i am now).My tutor said i had to accept part of the blame for the placment not working out.I said i didnt think so as id tried my best,but she thinks i should take it.I felt so upset,i was devastated and still am.I cried so much i looked awful,and cried all the way to college.I just cant take any more.Im so fed up i just want to give up the whole course.I thought i was managing to cope with things better,but now i feel as bad as when the rape memory first came up,and noone understands,except my counsellor and my close friend.i dont know what to do..

PLEASE HELP ME&#33;.i feel like i will never get another placement,and will fail my whold course.

[diana_holbourn]

Well, it certainly doesn&#39;t sound as if it was all your fault.

If the worst came to the worst and you did have to give up your course, can you think of a job you&#39;d like to do that&#39;s similar enough to what you wanted to do to make it attractive for you?

Maybe you could make a list of every single thing you can think of that you could say in your defence if you do go to the meeting with the supervisor, that would mean you weren&#39;t put in such a bad light. You could maybe also ask the supervisor if she could explain why she wasn&#39;t as supportive as she could have been, like not giving you all the information you needed, unless you think she&#39;ll just criticize you more. If the tutor leaves the meeting questioning whether you were as unreliable as the supervisor claims, and not thinking of the supervisor in such a good light, then maybe she&#39;d be willing to write on the form mainly about your reliability regarding the things she&#39;s sure about, like possibly attending college classes and handing work in on time and that kind of thing, rather than talking about the placement. After all, she presumably must have had to write about your reliability for the first placement you went on, when that was perhaps the only thing she could judge it on. Whatever she judged it on, she must have said something good then or you wouldn&#39;t have got one, so perhaps if she can be persuaded that your behaviour at the placement wasn&#39;t as bad as she thinks, or that it was influenced by the stress and personal problems you were having at the time, she&#39;d be willing to disregard the placement issues in what she writes.

If it does look as if your course tutor&#39;s going to decide there isn&#39;t any point in you carrying on the course, perhaps you could avoid being asked to leave by negotiating with her to see if the college would be willing to allow you to take a year out on the grounds of ill health and finish after that, and in the meantime, you could try to get a temporary job. That way, your supposed unreliability could be put down to all the problems you&#39;ve had to deal with whilst on the placement. And taking a year out would give you a break from the hassle and time to look for another placement. Maybe you&#39;d find a job you enjoyed.

[scared]

Hi,i am not going to give up my course,as i only have two weeks left.I dont think my tutor could fail me because the placment didnt work out.I am going to write a letter to my tutor,saying all the things that went wrong with the placment,issues i had with it (there were lots),in a diplomatic way,so that she knows all the facts from me.Then see if a meeting is arranged with the supervisor.If my tutor says i dont have to go,ie it wont affect whether i pass my course if i dont go,then i wont go.If i have to,at least my tutor will have all the facts from my side of things.Because she doesnt know all that went on while i was there.After all,my supervisor made a list of events ie supervision times etc,so why shouldnt i? I will get a placment no matter how long it takes,i am not giving up on it,ive worked too hard.It just doesnt look hopeful at the moment,but im hoping that will change.I am wondering if my tutor will give a copy of my letter to my supervisor,which might cause her to challenge me on it.I hope not,as i have 2 more supervision sessions (unfortunately&#33,and there will be more tension.Maybe my tutor will decide not to have the meeting with her,and that will be that.I just dont want to go and be blamed for the placment not working out.Thanks for your advice.The worst thing is starting to feel guilty again for my problems,and the fact that i have been in a lot of difficult situations and relationships in the past,and i feel like blaming myself for everything.I worked hard in counselling to stop blaming myself for being raped,and now i am feeling guilty again,and for taking time off from my placment to deal with my issues.I feel like my tutor is blaming me for not handling my emotions better.

[diana_holbourn]

I&#39;m glad you&#39;re feeling more optimistic now. Yes, I think it&#39;s a good idea to write a letter to your tutor with a detailed list of all the things that went wrong with your placement from your point of view. Even writing the list without giving it to her will hopefully make you feel less to blame for what happened. Another reason you don&#39;t have to blame yourself is that people commonly find it more and more difficult to handle things the more stressed they are, so even if you didn&#39;t do everything in the best way you could have, it wouldn&#39;t have been your fault. Even experienced counsellors can have problems handling their emotions. It&#39;s no wonder you found it difficult, especially since the memories were so fresh in your mind.

But the thing with the letter is that even if your tutor doesn&#39;t give it to your supervisor, she still might tell her what it said, unless she decides she has enough information from both sides to not bother with the meeting, which would be good. Otherwise, that makes things awkward. I wonder if there&#39;s any way of getting out of your supervision sessions? Why does your supervisor think you need them?

[scared]

Hi,i wouldnt say im feeling more optimistic now,if anything i feel worse.I just spoke to a close friend on the phone who seems to think that counselling is not the right job for me.She said i have had a lot of problems,and everytime she speaks to me i go on about my problems,but she doesnt understand.I said to her that everyone has problems,and that i have had no more than others on the course.She thinks that because i have upset a few people on my course,because ive been defensive with them,because i dont change who i am for other people,that i shouldnt be doing counselling.I realise that sometimes i can come across as being forceful,because i am usually a strong person who is assertive about the person i am.I ahve spent many years discovering and accepting who i am,that sometimes i overeact to people who seem to be trying to change me,or who demand that i meet their expectations of how they think i should be.Is that unreasonable?Does that mean im mad? I dont think so.I am an emotional person,and very passionate,and when i feel strongly about something,i oftem express it.I admit that i dont always say it in the right way,as im not always good at articulating my feelings,but i never intentionally mean to harm anyone.I just seem to get myself into difficult situations as other people never seem to understand me.I am feeling so frustrated about the placment situation,and really worried that i wont get another one in time.I hope my tutor can gove me some ideas,although i dont feel too happy with her at the moment.What can i do?

[diana_holbourn]

I wouldn&#39;t say that what you&#39;ve described would necessarily make you bad at counselling, since just because you tell your friend about your problems a lot, it doesn&#39;t mean you&#39;ll want to tell your clients about them, and it might not matter in a counselling session whether you say things wrongly to people you disagree with, since your job won&#39;t be to tell them what your point of view is whether they like it or not or to stand up for yourself, but to listen to them and perhaps make suggestions as to how they could improve their lives, which they&#39;ll be free to take or leave as they choose. So the situations you&#39;ll be in won&#39;t be the same as the ones where you react to people the way you do when you do those things. Besides, saying things in a more acceptable way to people is a skill that can easily be practised and learned. It isn&#39;t something you&#39;ve either got or you haven&#39;t got.

Why do you want to be a counsellor though? Are there any other jobs you think you might enjoy if you changed your mind?

Perhaps there are forums on the Internet where student counsellors meet and the subject of placements comes up, where you could ask if they&#39;ve got any experience of where it&#39;s been helpful for people who are having a bit of trouble finding late placements to turn. If so, you might pick up a few ideas.

Hopefully your tutor will be more supportive when she knows more about your side of the story of why your placement didn&#39;t work out.