rape

[diana_holbourn]

Perhaps it would help you if you think of and count as many reasons you can think of as to why it can't have been your fault, and the ways he was manipulative.

What do you think you get from your counsellor that you could work on getting from elsewhere instead, so you wouldn't feel so dependent? For instance, do you think you'd feel so dependent on her if you had more supportive friends around you who you could talk to? If you think you could do with a bigger network of supportive friends, can you think of ways you could get more?

It might help a bit with stopping you being so terrified about things on television for the time being if you can write a list of as many things you can think of that you could do that you'd find soothing, and keep the list where you'll be able to find it easily, so whenever something like that happens again, you can reassure yourself that you should be safe, read the list, and choose something to do from it.

[scared]

I really need your help.I dont feel that anyone excep my counsellor understands what im going through at the moment.When i went to counselling this week i told her that lasy week had been better,and she said how well im coping,but i didnt tell her a had two panic attacks that were really bad.I felt scared of saying that i was feeling ok,as i thought she may think that i had moved on and was over it.But i will never be over it.I will never forget.It is so hard to explain to her that my attitudes and views on things have changed so much,i feel different to who i was before it happened,i dont think i'll ever be the same.I had a really bad day at college today.I emailed a woman in our research group last week and explained what had come up in counselling,and about my panic attacks etc,to explain that i felt i could cope with people looking at me at the moment.I had an email yesterday from someone in my research group saying that she had discuss it with the others,and would i consider typing up the research report as i wasnt going to speak in our presentation.I replied that i had spent a long time analysing the results of the questionaire we sent out,and doing pie charts etc,and maybe i could type part of it up.(as the whole thing is a lot of work).Then i had a bad panic attack this morning,ans didn want to leave the house,i couldnt.Eventually my tutor phoned to ask if i was coming in (as i was late),i said yes.So i managed to get in.i had already texted one woman in our group first thing this morning to say i would be late,because i waant feeling well.(not because i thought id have a panic,but because i was worried that the group were angry with me,and i felt i couldnt handle it if they were).But when i got in,the group didnt say much to me,and i felt really awkward,and i still felt very anxious.Then in our personal development group,noone spoke for ages,then a person from my research group said that she felt really angry,and was shaking.But she said she didnt want to say why.Another person from my resarch group said she thought she knew why.I sat there terrified,holding my hands to stop them shaking,as i thought that she was probably angry at me for not wanting to speak in the presentation.Then my tutor asked me what i was feeling,and is said 'i dont know',as i was too scared to say.Then she challenged me,and said that shed noticed that i often said 'i dont know',and started saying was it because...and making suggestions as to why.So i had to keep answering her.I felt so scared i wanted to run out.The woman who knew about me said maybe i should risk telling the group my issue.I didnt feel i could share it as i felt so scared,and dont trust the group because they have bullied me for two years.I dont know what to do now,as i feel that i cant tell anyone why i cant speak in the presentation.i only told the one person as i had to tell someone,but its too hard to tell the others,and they wouldnt understand,noone does...

[diana_holbourn]

It sounds to me as if these people in the personal development class are far too focused on their feelings and not focused nearly enough on what to do about them. Encouraging people to express all the feelings they're having about any particular person at any one time is unhealthy, because it's bound to cause discord, and it doesn't get people anywhere fast. And it's even worse when they're trying to force people to talk about their feelings! It's bound to put people under pressure, and since counsellors are supposed to help people, the establishment that trains them should set the best example possible, and not do things that are going to make people feel awkward. A much more healthy thing for the tutors to ask your college class would be what they would like to achieve as a group from the day or coming week, and then to discuss different ways of how that could best be achieved. So anyone who was feeling angry wouldn't be encouraged to express all their negative feelings, but they would be encouraged to think of positive ways of doing things that would stop them being angry. It's not fair that you should feel under pressure to tell them your problems. They should be focused on getting things done in the most amicable and efficient way they can, not on rooting out people's reasons for being reluctant to do things and putting pressure on them to reveal things they're not happy to talk about!

Why is it so important to them that you speak in the presentation? It seems a bit of a trivial thing to get so angry about. Do they just think you're being lazy or something? They surely should know better than to jump to that kind of conclusion, being trainee counsellors who are presumably supposed to know more about human behaviour than others. They should know there are often several possible explanations for the way someone's behaving, and they should be considerate enough not to want to make people talk about their problems when they don't want to. Do the tutors give you any good reasons why they behave the way they do?

Do you think it would help if you learned some assertiveness skills so you were more confident that you could stand up to them?

Do you think it would help if you tried to be firm and said to them something like,

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>I&#39;m really not happy about public speaking at the moment. I&#39;ve got a good reason, but I&#39;d appreciate it if you could have the courtesy and consideration not to pry into it. Let&#39;s work on how we can get around it instead[/b][/quote]?

At least you haven&#39;t got much longer to put up with them.

[scared]

I agree.I dont think anyone should have to speak,or say how they feel in pd if they dont feel comfortable.When we started pd two years ago,we set some ground rules which were reviewed last september.We all agreed that anyone has the right to only contribute what they feel comfortable with.And yet,I have been singled out from the start.In the first year of the course,we had a different tutor for pd,and she didnt like me.She didnt say that,but she picked on me every week.She would ask me how i felt,and if i said &#39;nothing&#39;,she would say,&#39;what do u mean by the word nothing?&#39;,and she would keep going like that.The tutor this year is really nice,but i was upset when she challenged me today,and im sure she knew how anxious i was,and i dont think it was right or fair.I thought about emailing her to say how upset i was,but not sure if i should.Pd has just been an excuse to pick on me for being different.Most people in the group will say things out loud that they are thinking about or feeling,,so people then think they contribute a lot,as we are told we have to say what we feel,even if we feel bored,we are supposed to say &#39;i feel bored&#39;.I think thats pathetic.So they pick on me because i think in my head,and then only say something when i feel it,and want to say it.But its been made clear that its not enough for them.We are supposed to be able to challenge people,by being empathic and not making accussations,yet i have been accussed and argued against many time.They either complian that im not saying enough,or arguing against what ive said,or overreacting to it.I wish we could plan what to achieve.There is not meant to be any structure to the group,as it is meant to be spontaneus and people being genuine&#33;
I dont know why its so important to them that i speak in the presentation.It maybe because there are others in my group who dont particularly want to speak,and they probably think that if they have to,why should i,or that im just being awkward.They often jump to conclusions.I have stood up to them all through the pd group,by refusing to sontribute more than i am able to.And have told them the kind of person i am and explained myself many times (which noone else has had to do so much,and i dont feel i should have had to).But it doesnt seem to get through.I have been defensive sometimes,when they have made accussations,and i have tried eaplaining calmly.I have tried everythingBut the problem is that one person asked me once,that everyone in the group sees me differently to how i see myself,and implied that therefore i must be wrong.But i dont accept that anyone knows me better than i know myself.
I am trying to deal with the fact that i may have ptsd,and that i might have obsessive compulsive disorder.And i know im depressed,so it seems a lot to deal with at the moment.I just feel that i am trying to keep myself psychologically safe,by reducing pressure on myself.I still have the placment issue to sort out,but have given myself until next week to decide.But im finding that others dont understand that i have to put my psychological needs first at the moment,and look after myself,to stop myself going mad&#33;So others keep going on at me to make decisions,and do things like the research report,and make placment decisions,and it all seems too much.I feel really overwhelmed,and im not sure how to make people understand.Even if i had the courage to tell people what is going on for me,they wouldnt undertand,i feel trapped.

[diana_holbourn]

It does sound like an unhealthy class. People don&#39;t have to keep analysing their feelings over and over again before they&#39;ll be any good at listening to other people talking about theirs&#33; I wonder why they make people do it. It must be tiring having to explain yourself to them so many times. And if they&#39;re beginning to wear you out, it&#39;s no wonder you find it more difficult to deal with all your other problems. And it doesn&#39;t seem to have been very professional of them not to have tried to understand your point of view and make allowances for it.

Perhaps you could try doing some relaxation techniques, since although they won&#39;t be the answer to your problems, when people are relaxed, they can think more clearly than they can when they&#39;re really anxious or depressed, so they can be better at thinking through their options and coming to decisions. It does sound as if you&#39;ve got a very difficult decision to make with the placement, but it might help a bit. And it might help you feel calmer so you&#39;re not so worried you&#39;ll go mad.

There&#39;s a relaxation technique which is like meditation, where people sit somewhere comfortable and then try to focus on one thing for about twenty minutes. It can just be something like a particular place on the wall or an object in the room or whatever. That&#39;ll stop your anxious thoughts building up and up and making you more and more distressed for a while. It&#39;ll probably be impossible for anyone to focus all their attention on just one thing for all that time. But the idea is to try. And whenever your thoughts drift on to something else, you&#39;re supposed to pull them back to what you&#39;re focusing on rather than getting engrossed in them. So every time you have a thought that takes your mind off what you&#39;re focusing on, you&#39;re meant to just think of it as you&#39;d think of a car you noticed going past, just registering that you&#39;ve seen it and then forgetting about it. So when a thought comes into your head, you just think, "Oh, I&#39;ve just thought such-and-such a thing" (whatever it is) and then you pull your attention back to what you&#39;re focusing on. You&#39;re supposed to do that even if it&#39;s a really horrible thought, or even if it&#39;s a thought about what you think of the relaxation technique.

When you&#39;re practised at it, it can be helpful to do it just for a few minutes every time you notice you&#39;re becoming anxious if you&#39;ve got time. It stops the spiral of negative thoughts getting worse and worse and making you more and more anxious.

See if it works.

[scared]

Thanks,i will try it.I have started to meditate again the last day or so as i need to give my mind and body a break.I have just got the results back from the doctor today,no chlamydia.The doctor said the antibiotics i have taken could have made any urine infection difficult to pick up in the test,so maybe i should get it dont again.I was just reading a book that says that the body stores the memory of everything that happens to them.And that trauma which has not been acknowledged or supressed,can be expressed by the body in things like pelvic pain,which ive had.So maybe thats why there seems no physical cause for my pain.I emailed my pd tutor yesterday,and said that i didnt feel able to come to pd anymore,as i felt i could deal with potential challenges by people at the moment.I just said i was having some personal problems.Iwas quit happy with my decision,then my negative thoughts kept saying to me that it was a weakness to not go,and that people would think it was because the woman said she was angry yesterday and i was avoiding her.But part of me thinks it doesnt matter what they think,but i expect people will ask me why im not going to pd next week,and then i dont know what to say.I feel at the moment that i need to protect myself from pressure that would put extra stress on me.Is that being weak? Or should i keep pushing myself by putting myself in those situations?

[diana_holbourn]

I don&#39;t blame you for not wanting to go to PD anymore. Have you been getting anything worthwhile out of it? If you haven&#39;t, then perhaps it&#39;s a waste of time and doing you more harm than good, so there isn&#39;t any point in going. I don&#39;t think it&#39;s a weakness not to go. You have to look after your health. If it&#39;s damaging your health because of the way the others are treating you, it makes sense not to go anymore, unless there&#39;s a good reason to go.

[scared]

No,i dont think i have got much out of it,except the experience of not being accepted as i am.The only good thing ive got out of it,is that i care a lot less about what other people think of me.Although it still feels like the other 7 people in the group together have more power than me alone,in how they wish to treat me etc.I felt really threatened by the anger of that woman yesterday,thinking she could insist that i speak in the presentation,particularly if she convinces the others in my research group that i should.I think that is what ime most afraid of.Mind you,as our tutor has said that it is ok for not everyone to speak,maybe that gives me more power.It will be hard to argue my case next week if they all turm against me and say i have to speak,as i dont want to say why i dont want to.I just hope the one who does know why,keeps it to herself.I dont think she will tell them,but i guess it puts her in a difficult position with them too.I feel like whatevery happens next week,it is hanging over me,as i will have to go next week knowing that that woman is angry with me,and i will feel awkward and awful.I feel quiet scared about going nect week.I am trying to relax,as the more tense i feel,the more i get panic attacks.I just feel really lost at the moment,and cant see a way out of it,apart from the obvious...which i wouldnt do as i have a lovely daughter.It doesnt help that oue research is about suicide,and we are discussing issues around it.I feel less stuck in that i have accepted that i was raped now.But i am stuck in what happened afterwards,in my relationship with my rapist.I dont know whether to try and work through it in counselling,which might make me feel upset,or to try and let it go.I just find it hard to let go at the moment.idont know how to deal with the different way i see things since my memories came up,because i will never go back to how i saw things before.

It is ironic that the others have been treating me ok in pd lately,but i know the issues with me have not gone away,even if they&#39;re not talked about.i just dont want to be challenged by anyone,including the tutor.Is that a good enough reason not to go?

Part of the problem is that i cannot let go how they treated me,and hpw they were towards me,until recently,so dont feel i can trust them,but its difficult to let go of two years of bullying..

[diana_holbourn]

It does seem a bit excessive that she should get so angry about you not speaking.

If you do go, one way of calming a situation down can be to continually ask questions instead of trying to explain yourself. It might not always work. But often, it can mean that they&#39;re put on the spot rather than you.

So, for instance, if they said they wanted you to speak in the presentation, you could ask why it was so important to them that you spoke.

If they then said they thought it was only fair that you did your fair share of the work, you could ask them why they thought it was only by speaking that you&#39;d be doing your fair share of the work, when there were other ways in which you could help, like writing quite a lot of the report up.

If they said that everyone else had to speak so they didn&#39;t see why you shouldn&#39;t have to, you could ask them why everyone else speaking meant that you had to.

If they ask you directly why you don&#39;t want to speak, you could ask them why it&#39;s important to them that they know your reasons for not speaking.

If they accuse you of things you don&#39;t like them accusing you of, you could ask them if they think it&#39;s professional of them to make such accusations and to jump to such conclusions without knowing all the facts.

If they again ask you what the facts are because they say they want help in reaching a proper conclusion then, you could ask them what difference the conclusion could possibly make to them, since you don&#39;t want to speak, and the important thing is not that you all bicker about it but that you work around it to come to a decision about who&#39;s doing what, and that it seems to you that a perfectly reasonable way of going about things would be for you to take on the work of writing up quite a lot of the report, which would mean they didn&#39;t have to do so much of it, so there would be something in it for them as well as you.

If you can try and make things go like that, you might end up feeling much more satisfied.

If between now and then you can think through possible things they might say and think up ways of responding by asking questions, it might make you more confident about speaking to them.

Regarding your counselling, some questions that might help you work out whether it would be a good idea to work through your relationship with your attacker in counselling could be:

How do I hope talking about it will help? What do I want to be the end result?

Can I think of other ways I could feel as if I&#39;d been helped in the same way without going through it in counselling?

Would the benefits of going through it in counselling outweigh the costs, for instance me getting upset by talking about it?

[scared]

Thankyou,that makes sense.I will try to respond by asking them wuestions.The only thing is,if this woman is still angry with me next week,then she may get more angry by thinking im avoiding her questions or feelings.I was afraid to say some things to the group in pd last week,as she had said how wngry she was,and my fear of her exploding in rage,or having a go at me was more than the impulse to say how i felt.I did say some things,but i was not completely honest about how i was feeling.I think my tutor picked up on that,maybe thats why she challenged me.It will be interesting to see if she responds to my email,and what she says.I do feel i need to talk about my relationship with my rapist,as it is tied up with the confusion i had about my sexuality,and i would like to look at that side of things with my counsellor.

[diana_holbourn]

Hopefully she&#39;ll have calmed down by next week, but if the woman does get angry with you, perhaps you could say you&#39;re willing to listen to her talk, but you think it&#39;s more appropriate that she tries to be calm when she does, since people ought to try to behave as professionally as they would if they were doing a counselling session. Maybe you could say you&#39;ll be willing to talk through things with her when she&#39;s calm, but that you don&#39;t feel it&#39;ll be productive unless she&#39;s willing to work together with you in a co-operative way. You could grit your teeth and listen to her feelings, but then change the focus of attention. If you ask her to give you a yes or no answer as to whether she is willing to work together with you in a co-operative way, she&#39;ll have a hard time saying she isn&#39;t, because that&#39;ll just make her look bad. So once she&#39;s said she is, you could say something like, "Good. Then let&#39;s try to move things forward. I&#39;m unhappy about speaking, and I think it will be a matter of professional respect and courtesy for you not to pry into why. But I&#39;m prepared to write up a fair bit of the report so the work&#39;s shared out fairly evenly. If everyone can say what they&#39;re happy to do, let&#39;s work from there. Let me tell you a bit more about what I&#39;m prepared to do. ..."

That kind of thing might work.

[scared]

I am totally terrified.I had an email back from my pd tutor about the one i sent her saying i no longer wanted to go to pd.She said that she was sorry i am having problems,and that she thought i have had a few problems over the two years of the course.She said that she felt worried,and that she was worried about client safety.And she said she would have to tell my course tutor about the panic i told her i had in the pd session,in my email to her.She said that i would make a good counsellor in the future,that i had the ability.She said that she was concerned that i have issues to work through before i could help others,and that my issues might get in the way of client work.She also said that perhaps i should speak to my course tutor first.I told her in my email last week that my course tutor knew i had had some difficulties.I emailed back today to say that i would feel that it would be a breach of my trust in her if she informed my course tutor.I also said i have been having counselling about the issue,and that i believe that my client work will not be affected.I said that i feel that i know myself and my capabilities,and if i am ok to do client work.I also said that i have done two successful sessions as a counsellor,in which my issues were not a problem.I think my email may have sounded defensive,so i emailed again afterwards saying that although i do not agree with her telling my course tutor,if it is her professional responsibility then she could.I also said i would be prepared to talk to my course tutor if she wanted me to.I am so ANGRY that she is going to break my confidence.I only told her that i was having problems because on this course you are supposed to be honest,and i needed to tell her why i wasnt coming to pd.But i feel she is throwing it back in my face.I felt i had to email her to justify my decision not to come to pd,and to convince her that i was fit to do client work.I am feeling devastated and yet another setback,and dont feel i can cope with much more.I feel like my whold course is in jeopardy and i have worked so hard for this,if i lose it i will want to die.please help me,i dont know what to do...i am so scared about what will happen next week at college,i dont feel like going,but i will.i feel like she thinks im mad or unstable or something.HELP&#33;&#33;&#33; [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/helpsmilie.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/mad.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/unsure.gif[/img]

[diana_holbourn]

Is your tutor saying she isn&#39;t sure you&#39;re fit to complete the course at the moment, or just that she&#39;s concerned about you counselling people right now? What do you think she&#39;d think of the idea of you taking the next three months or so out to recover, before doing any more of your placement, and you saying that in that time, you&#39;ll do your best to get the best counselling you can? She might be willing to negotiate with you.

The charity No Panic runs recovery groups where people are taught to cope better with anxiety problems. They&#39;re fourteen-week courses run over the phone where about seven people can all talk together via a teleconferencing facility. Maybe if you phone their helpline tomorrow and ask about their recovery groups and whether you can go on one, then you can email your course tutor saying that besides the counselling you&#39;re already having, you&#39;re going to go on one of these recovery groups, and so you&#39;ll hopefully have become a lot more mentally healthy this time in about three or four months. You could say that if she&#39;d prefer you to postpone the start of your placement till then, you&#39;ll be willing to do that if you can arrange that. That might soften her attitude.

Their helpline number&#39;s 0808 8080545.

How does that sound?

[scared]

she is saying that shes concerned about me counselling people at the moment.I think you&#39;re missing the point of what i said.I am fit to counsel people.I have not been having many panic attacks lately,and those i have had, i can cope fine with.I am not prepared to have a break from my placment as i dont feel i need one.I think my pd is jumping to conclusions and making assumptions that because i have had personal problems,then im not fit to counsel people.That isnt the case.She only knows me in the context of the pd group,an hour a week,and is not in a position to make any assumptions,particularly when she doesnt know what the issue i had was.I realise your questions are intended to understand more about my situation.But i think on this occassion i will not compromise for my tutor.I have to do what i feel is right for me.There would be no benefit to me to take time off from my placement now.I think that she is being cheeky by implying that i have had a lot of problems over the two years.i feel that she is implying that it is those,that i have not dealt with,which i assured her i have.I do not feel that she knows best in this situation,as i know myself and my capabilities,and would not do client work if i did feel fit enough.

[diana_holbourn]

If you&#39;re in danger of not passing your course because of this, it might be expedient to take steps to put your tutor&#39;s mind at rest. Putting your placement off for a little while would also give you more opportunity to look around to see if you could find another one. So compromising with your tutor could be to your advantage, not just for the sake of her peace of mind.

The charity No Panic don&#39;t just help with panic attacks, but also with general anxiety and other anxiety disorders like OCD. So even if you don&#39;t go on one of their recovery groups in order to assure your tutor that you&#39;re working towards overcoming your problems, it might be a good idea for you to look into doing one of them anyway. They don&#39;t suit everyone, but some people like them, and go on to make good friends with the other people in their group. It costs ten pounds to join No Panic, but after that, doing one of their recovery courses is free, apart from that you have to phone in once a week in the evening for an hour.

Apart from that, just phoning their help-line and talking your problems through sometimes might make you feel calmer.