rape

[scared]

yes,the class are friendly,although its a bit clique,as the one who was laughing often dances with the same two other people.I dont think i still fancy my teacher as i dont think about her like that very often,and know i cant have her.And i wouldnt want her really.I dont fantasise about her,just get that feeling very occassionally.I would say that i feel great warmth towards her as a person,when she is caring towards me.I dont let my feelings upset me now like they used to.When i was in love with her and knew i couldnt have her i was heartbroken.As from the first moment i saw her i fell for her.But then the feelings got less and less.I do still have a weakness for her,but not so much now.I think i have a deep respect for her,and her nononsense honesty,even if she can seem cruel,she always makes up for it.She has told me that she knows that she can be agressive sometimes,but i suppose i have to accept thats just how she is.Since i told her about my feelings for her over a year or two ago,we have got closer,as i was then able to be honest with her.As she has been with me.She can be rather defensive if she thinks i am criticising her,but then so can i if someone does it to me.The wierd thing is,all the things that pushed my buttons about her,things that really annoyed me and i wanted her to change,were things that i am like to.The difference between us is that she is more dominant and agressively honest,whilst i am passive agressive.So i understand why she came into my life,its taught me a lot about myself.I now know how to approach her,to be diplomatic and not and calm.Then she responds in kind.I do think that she thinks i worry too much about things,and can be paranoid,which i am.But i cant help who i am can i?......

although i said i dont want her anymore,i do still fancy her slightly,but find it hard to admit it.And i would be really upset if she was no longer my teacher.i do worry what would happen if she stopped teaching..

[diana_holbourn]

I thought I ought to tell you that this forum's moving to another board and website soon, probably tomorrow. I won't post so often on the new one, but I'll still be around. The threads will be transferred over to the new one so they won't disappear.

[scared]

hi,i hope u can read and reply to this post.I mentioned a potential belly dancing gig to my teacher about 3 weeks ago,and she said she would look into it.Then,last tuesday,she told me that she could get hold of the man running it,and because there would be no electrics,as it was a performance or ali baba by a theatrical comepany,and was being performed in the park,it would be difficult for us to do.So i emailed some of our group last week,and only one person replied,who couldnt do the gig as it was too short notice (which wasnt my fault,as my teache rhad only just let me know on that tues that she couldnt get hold of the man.So i thought whether i could go on my own and do it.I felt petrified,but my dad,whose band was accompanying the production,gave me a portable stereo system to play my music on.I tested it before the performance,and my cd wouldnt play,so he had to record my music onto tape.So i went along and he played the stereo,and i was brought into the story,by the director,to dance 'for the king'.The music didnt carry very well in the open air,but i could just about hear it.I really enjoyed watching the play,and being in it,as 'maya',my professional dancing name.I was really nervous til i got out there,then i wasnt too nervous.I am so proud of myself,as although ive been dancing for 5 years,it was my first solo performance.I danced one of my teachers choreographies.I was worried that she would think i was ripping off her dances,so i made sure i told everyone that it was her choregraphy.I emailed my teacher yesterday to tell her id done my first solo,and she emailed back to say well done.Should i tell her i used her choreography? She had a former student who went away and started a new class,teaching her choreographies as though they were her own,then changing odd steps and saying they were then her dances.She was righly really pissed off at her and doesnt speak to her anymore.But she told our class once,that she doesnt mind us dancing her choreographies as long as we say that they are hers.So i think im ok,arent i?
I also had a call from the terrence higgins trust last week,offering me 2 clients.So i arranged to meet thenm both this week.I went over to coventry this morning,and then when i got there,my client called,saying she thought we'd arranged to meet at 12.30 not 11.30.I said it was 11.30.I had got there at quarter to eleven.Anyway,i agreed to see her at 12.30,so had to wait around for a bit.but the session went really well,and i have another client to meet on weds.I was really nervous this morning,and felt ill,i i havent counselled anyone since april this year.But i think i did well today.
I have also been on the 'no panic' chatroom,and a couple of times seem to get people being agressive to me for saying how i feel,which makes me feel worse.But i have chatted to some nice people too.I still havent heard from my daughters aunt,it will b 4 weeks tomorrow since i last spoke to her.I really dont know whether to ring her or not,what do u think? I am anxious to know whats going on between us,and if she will continue to support me.I am a bit worried,as im not sure i can afford to phone the helpline for rape anymore,as have just had a big phone bill (because of all the college placments i have had to ring).So dont want to make it even bigger with the helpline calls.I dont know what to do..

[diana_holbourn]

Well done for doing the performance on your own. That's quite an achievement.

Since you're nervous about being looked at in everyday life but not when you're dancing in public, what do you think makes the difference?

Since what probably made your teacher angry about her choreographies being used by the other person was not getting any credit for having made them up and having them basically stolen by someone who claimed them as her own, I don't suppose she'd be angry with you just for using them if you told everyone she'd made them up. It must have been annoying for your teacher to have someone claim the dances she'd made up were their own just because they'd changed a few steps. Still, you know her best, so you'll know best whether she might be annoyed or not. But I'd be a bit surprised if she is.

I'm glad your counselling session went well. With the things you're managing to do well, hopefully it'll increase your confidence.

I wasn't aware that there was a 'No Panic' chat room. There is a website called 'No More Panic' where there is a chat room and message forum. Is that who you mean?

I think if your daughter's aunt was that enthusiastic about supporting you, she'd probably have phoned you before now. And you did say you were a bit upset with some of the things she said on the phone. But you never know. She might still be happy to chat with you sometimes, especially if she thinks you're making progress.

Which rape helpline have you phoned, the one your counsellor gave you? Have they been helpful?

This forum didn't move yesterday in the end because there was a bit of a technical problem. But it should be moving in the next few days.

[Guest]

hi,i dont know,i suppose that although i felt a bit embarrassed when i was dancing,its like i become 'maya',and have this performance persona.Its still me,but i feel more confident as i feel more powerful because my teacher told me something once which really helped me.She said that the audience dont know what im supposed to be doing,so i can do what i like.That helped boost my confidence when dancing.I guess i dont think so much about what the audience might be thinking about me,as im so absorbed in what im doing.I texted my daughters aunt tonight,asking her to phone me when shes not busy,as i feel like i need to know whether she is going to offer the support she said she would,or not.I want to understand whether shes been deliberately not calling me,because of my letter,or for other reasons.I guess because shes been through the same type of experience,i still have a hope that she will understand how im feeling,as she seemed to at times when i have spoken to her.I dont think my teacher would be cross with me,but i dont think i need to tell her i used her choreography,as she didnt ask in her email.If she asks when i see ehr next,i will tell her.I rang the crasac helpline (coventry rape and sexual abuse) helpline again tonight,and the woman was great.She understood me completely.I think i wil try and find some more face to face counselling though,maybe through the doctor,althoughi am scared to tell them what happened.yes,the website is called nomore panic.I didnt tell my daughters aunt that what she said upset me at the time,although i wish i had.ill have to wait and see what she will say when she rings,if she rings...

[diana_holbourn]

I think if you're going to ask a doctor if they can refer you for more face-to-face counselling, it might be worth specifying what kind of counselling you'd like. If you found the type you had before unsatisfactory, it may be a good idea to say to the doctor that you want counselling where you'll learn more techniques for challenging negative thoughts etc. In fact, it might even be worth printing that checklist of what makes good counselling out that I gave you the link to, and taking that along, although I don't know if doctors would know enough about what's on offer or have enough choice about who to refer you to to be able to give you that much say in what you want. The waiting list for any type of counselling at all could also be very long.

Another problem could be that if you become dependent on another counsellor, the ending of therapy will be just as difficult as the last ending. If the therapy's as short as possible, it'll cut down the risk of you becoming dependent on the therapist. There are short-term therapies available that can be very helpful, but again, I'm not sure how good the service would be in your area, or anywhere.

It might still be worth investigating the link I gave you to the register of counsellors who do that rewind technique with people and try to make their therapy as short-term as possible. If you found one in your area and asked if they have special rates for students or people on low incomes and they said they did, which they might not, but supposing they did, it wouldn't mean you'd have to make a commitment to having counselling with them. If you just sent them an email asking them a few questions, like what they do, how they deal with trauma etc., you wouldn't necessarily need to have anything to do with them any more.

Still, discussing it with your doctor might be good, since there might be a good service near you.

[Guest]

i went to see the doctor this afternoon,about my ear problem i told u about a while ago,and thought i was seeing a female doctor,it turned out,it was a man.I was also thinking of asking him about counselling on the nhs.Then when i found out it was a man,i wasnt sure whether i had the nerve.So i told him about my ears and he looked into them with an ear thing,and he had to stand quite close to me.I felt really tense,and this thought popped into my head 'that if he came closer,his dick would touch my hand' ,which was by my side.I was nervous about this,although he was a really nice man,and seemed genuinely interested in my problem.So i sat down again,and told him i would like to see a counsellor.He asked what it was about,and isaid it was really personal.He said really nicely,that he needed to know what the issue was,so he knew where to refer me to,and that for mhs counselling they usually need a good reason to refer people.So i took a breath and told him that i was raped,and about the counselling i had at college etc.I said it happened 9 years ago,and he asked if i'd told anybody or not.I didnt know how to explain the repressed experience,so i said i hadnt at the time,and just got on with things.He said he couldnt imagine how i felt and that it was an awful thing to have happened to me.Then i said a stupid thing,i said 'you have to laugh at these things'.H msut have thought i was mad.He put the rape into his computer notes about me,and asked what i went to see the counsellor for,as i had said it was for another issue.So i said that my partner had died,and he asked me what from,and i said he'd had a brain haemorrhage.He said you had some awful things happen or something like that.He seemed shocked at what id been through.Then he said it could take a few months before i get counselling,and i would get a letter in the post.I came out feeling upset as i just felt this awful feeling inside me,like disgust,not becasue of the doctor,he couldnt have been nicer,but i just felt dirty,i think thats the only way to describe it.As if by talking about it,i felt damaged again.I felt embarrassed about telling the doctor and really scared.It was wierd,it was like when i told him,it was like i was talking about someone elses experience,like it wasnt real,does that make sense? I felt like a fruad telling the doctir,like it wasnt true,or i didnt believe it myself,although i know it is true.

[diana_holbourn]

Sometimes this board logs people out for some reason, and they have to log in again. The forum's moving to a new board either tonight or tomorrow anyway. We think the technical problems have been cleared up, so the move can go ahead.

People can sometimes feel as though they're not talking about themselves when they talk about bad experiences because the mind blocks out their feelings for a while as a protective measure to stop them getting too upset.

I think it's no wonder that telling a man, or anyone, about what happened when you didn't expect to have to, gave you bad feelings, since the fact that it happened might still make you feel like that, so bringing it up will bring up the same feelings. It doesn't mean you'll get those feelings again though, necessarily. Sometimes, bad feelings can last a few minutes and then just go away. Perhaps it'll help if you reassure yourself that you don't need to feel dirty because you weren't the one who committed the crime. And it doesn't sound as if the doctor thought it was anything you should be ashamed of. The person who committed the crime is the one who ought to be feeling ashamed of himself and disgusted with himself.

[lost angel]

i blocked out me emotions for just under a year and it never got me anywhere exept in hospital cause i had had enough. i tried to kill myself cause i thought that was the answer but i wasnt. when i woke up i felt worse than i did befor and i was ashamed of myself.
talk about how you are feeling if you can it does help. im seeing a councellor the now and she has helped me loads. yeah i still feel like **** but i dont fel the way i did before. keep your chin up love sent l
laura x x

[bellygoddess]

hi diana

thanks for your message.its a shame u wont b able to post so ofrten on here,is there a reason for that? just being nosy.When i told the doctor what had happened to me and asked for counselling,i did mention that i was interested in cbt counselling,but he said he couldnt guarantee that i would get that type.I will have to wait to hear.I was in the 'no panic' chatroom last night,and someone said the same as you,about the body protecting itself when i talk about it.It really makes sense now,so thanks.I am not going into that chatroom again for a while,as i was telling a man two nights ago,who seemed really nice what had happened to me,and when i said that i had a relationship with my rapist after it happened,he asked me questions like 'how could u do that if hed raped u?'.I dontthink he meant it nastily as i have discussed how i felt with him,but at the time it made me feel like he was making an accussation,and made me really upset.I think he was just a bit blunt and insensitve.I will stay away from men on there i think,as they can be insensitive at times! I have had a few disagreements with people on there,who dont seem to understand how difficult what im going through is,and just tell me to move on.They seem to think that its straight forward and its not!
I also phoned the crasac helpline (rape helpline) today,as i had a really bad panic attack and felt awful last night.I had been feeling really anxious all week after i counselled someone on monday.And had had that awful feeling i get,and wanting to hide away,and feeling exposed when i go out again.And last night i just fell apart,but i cant seem to cry now,i just dont get tears sometimes,but i was shaking,and couldnt breathe,and felt like i was dying,which was horrible.I am also anxious about going on a plane when i go away on monday,as im claustrophobic and dont like flying.But i will have to cope.I talked to the rape line woman for ages,and she really understood,its like everything i say,she says that my feelings are understandable,and are common,which makes me feel maybe im not such a freak afterall.She also helped me to see that positive things in what ive done lately,like by going to the doctors,and how brave i was.I think cbt would really help me to challenge these irrational thoughts i get sometimes,i hope.I felt so bad last night,i was so scared as i didnt know what to do,im worried that it will happen again and dont know how to stop it.I also got a flashback last night,where i saw his face vividly.Its horrible feeling that awful feeling,as i feel like if i could cry,i would feel better,sometimes i can,sometimes i cant.what can i do...
when i tried to put my post on here,it said i have to log in again,wierd...

[bellygoddess]

hi lost angel,im so sorry to hear about your experience,and what u went through.I think you are a very brave person to come one here and be so honest.I took 2 overdoses when i was having a relationship with my rapist,as i felt so dirty,and didnt know why.Cause i didnt realise id been raped at the time,as i was young and inexeperienced,and hed managed to convince me that what he did was normal for someones first time (i was previously a virgin).I am glad to here that u are getting help,and starting to recover,its a long road isnt it? take carex

[diana_holbourn]

I hope the counselling you get is a lot better at helping you move forward than the other counselling was.
Part of the reason I won't be posting on here so often now is that I want to devote more time to other things.
Tell you what might help you. How about reading through this whole thread carefully and doing two things:
(a) noting down anything that's already been said on here that you think could help you, so it'll be like a reminder, and a way of taking things forward. For instannce, there were things about coping with flashbacks near the start. And
(b) noting down anything you've said about yourself you think you'd like to remember because it will encourage you in the future, any times you think you were making progress, and what you were doing at those times that helped you feel better, as far as you can recall. If you can think about what you're doing that's different at the times when you feel a bit better, maybe you can do more of it.
I hope you enjoy your holiday next week. Where are you going?
One thing some people have found helps rid them of a fear of something like flying or being in an enclosed space for some while or other things, is called imaginal exposure or systematic desensitisation. It might take a few hours, or an hour or so on more than one day, but it might well be worth it. It's where people sit down and relax, and then close their eyes and imagine they're about to go out the door because it's the day of their flight and they'll soon be going to the airport. They try to imagine what's happening as realistically as they can, in as much detail as they can.
Then, sitting there with their eyes closed, they imagine getting their things together and going out the door. They imagine travelling to the airport, and imagine going as far as they can until they just begin to feel anxious. When they feel a little hint of anxiety, they open their eyes and stop imagining the journey. They think about the room they're in instead for a little while, and do some relaxation techniques to stop them feeling anxious, like muscle relaxation, tensing up groups of muscles in turn and then slowly, gradually relaxing each of them and focusing their attention on the sensation of them as they relax, and on how much nicer the growing sensation of relaxation in them feels than the sensation of tension did. For instance, they can clench their left fist and then slowly relax it, and then clench their right fist and then slowly relax it. Then they can bend their left arm up so it's tense and then slowly relax it, and then bend their right arm up so it's tense and then slowly relax it. And so on, like doing the same thing with their legs and then their toes.
When they've stopped feeling anxious, they close their eyes again and then imagine doing the journey again to the very point where they became a little bit anxious before. They don't imagine going any further than that. They just imagine going to that point again. And whether they feel anxious again or not, they then open their eyes and bring themselves back to the room they're in, and then do some more of those relaxation techniques till they're not feeling at all anxious.
They carry on imagining going to exactly the point they got to at first when they started feeling anxious and then bringing themselves back to the room and doing relaxation techniques until imagining doing that makes them bored.
When it makes them bored, they start from the beginning again like they always did before; but this time, they imagine going a bit further. They imagine doing more of the journey until again they start to feel a little anxious.
As soon as they start to feel a little anxious, they stop, bring themselves back to the room, do relaxation techniques, and then imagine going to that point in the journey again whether it still makes them anxious or not. And they keep going to that point and then doing relaxation techniques until again they feel bored with it.
They imagine they're going further and further on in their journey just like that, bit by bit, until they've got to the point where they can imagine themselves flying in the plane feeling bored.
Another thing that could help is if you take lots of things that might distract you when you go, things that'll take up so much of your concentration while you're on the plane that it'll be difficult to think of anything else.
Do you know what's made your feelings come on worse recently?
Why do you think you're so anxious after counselling your first client when you thought it went well at the time? Are you worried about the future of it? What was it that you thought made it go so well at the time?

[bellygoddess]

help!

Diana,i hope u can read this post and reply when u can.I feel so awful,i texted my daughters aunt last sunday (juanita),asking if she could ring me when she had tim.She rang me lasy night,and asked me how i was,so i tod her i had been doing better,but that couselling the lady last week had started me thinking about things again.She said that she couldnt understand y i wasnt moving on with my life when it happened 9 years ago.I said that in my mind,it was like it happened 4 months ago,as i wasnt consciously aware of it until then,so i have been reacting how someone might at the time if it hits them then.She said she still didnt understand.She said that i needed psychiatric help and medicine.She was very harsh with me.I undestand that she is saying i need to move on.I said i was trying to,and that i dont want to feel like this,but i cant help how i feel.She said i have a choice to control my feelings.She doesnt seem to understand,as after she was raped,she got on with things and didnt have any counselling.She said i was self absorbed and wanting people to help me all the time.I said that that i believe that i need to face what happened and work through it,so that i can move on.I told her i dont sit there wanting to be miserable,and that ive been getting better lately and more confident,but that i have times when i feel worse,because although im trying not to think about things too much,i am having nightmares about it at night,and not sleeping so well.She told me to 'be a person',whatever that means.I wish she would understand that i have to talk about what happened to help me to move on,as talking really helps me.And i felt anxious after watching something on tv i was not expecting to see,but that i made myself relax and say it was not about me.I was so angry when i came on the phone,and upset,as all i was trying to do was to get her to understand that my emotions have been so strong,i couldnt pretend they werent there and 'just carry on',i had to deal with them.I understand that she dealt with her experience differently to me,and i respect that,so y cant she see that this is how im dealing with it,and that im doing the best i can to move on.I told her id been to the doctors to ask for couselling so i could learn some practical ways of challeneging my thoughts and feelings.She said i didnt need more couselling as it wasnt helping me.So i made the mistake of phoning her back last night to clear things up.And i cant believe what she said to me.She said that she cant understand why im still trying to get over my rape,as it was 'lighter' than what happened to her,as the man who raped her was a stranger and had a knife.And she fought with him physically,but then after he pulled out the knife,she did as he told her to do,lie down etc.And that he actions of telling the police nearly brought down the whole country.She said i must have trusted my rapist to let him in my bedsit.I said that i didn trust him,but that he seemed friendly,as i hadnt known him long enough to really trust him.She said that i trusted him so i let him in,and then it all went 'pear-shaped'. She seems to think that because he wasnt violent to me that night,that my rape isnt as bad as hers! I said that she had no idea what he was like.She already knows that he charmed me to gain my trust,and then abused that trust by using his power to dominate me psychologically,and to absue my trust.So not only did he rape me,he betrayed me trust.I mean y can she see that rape is rape,and that it is an evil act however it happens.She doesnt know that he controlled me when i had a relationship with him,and that he pysically hit me,and nearly suffocated me once.And that he constantly undermind me and made me feel bad,as he told me i looked ugly,and took my already low confidence away.I am sure that the sheer terror i felt that night,when i didnt know if i was going to die,was simialr to what she felt when she was raped.I understand what she means when she says it was 'lighter',yes mine was less violent,but to me,it was the worst experience of my life,and it has affected me very badly.And i feel like i will never be the same as i was before.She also said that i (meaning me) didnt have a cut to her vagina,cause he damaged her.She doesnt appreciate i had my hymen ripped open,hence the lots of blood,and he gave me an std which i have to live with forever,as it wont go away.I also think now that some of the soreness i get internally,when having sexual relations occassionally,is due to the rape.She says i need to get on with my life,well i have done for 9 years! And that Ive had nine years of unexplained anger towards people,and being wary of people touching me,particularly men,that i now realise was because of my rape.Then when the memories came up,i managed to finish my college course.So i think i have still been getting on with things as best i can.I think that she doesnt understand how i repressed what happened.And that because i repressed it,that it was not an as horrific experience as what she went through.I think she thinks that i carried on and had another partner,that my rape didn affect me.It did.Sexually i never enjoyed sex with my rapist afterwards of with my last male partner,as i was always 'out of my head',psychologically when i was with them.Cut my mind off from being 'in' the experience,and felt so low i tried to kill myself.I am so disappointed that she couldnt show me some empathy,by respecting my feelings are the way they are,particularly as she been through rape too.I really dont think that she has dealt with things that happened to her,as she still gets affected now by needing her husband to make a noise when he comes in the rrom,and by being 'asexual' for times,when she doesnt want her husband to touch her.So why doesnt she understand that i am still affected,and that everyone recovers at a different pace.i was so devastated last night,i cried for an hour,she made me feel like i was asking to be raped.I told her that i still blame myself sometimes for letting him in,and she said that i could look at it like 'i got myself into this mess,and now i need to get myself out!'.She also beleives that what my daughters dad did to me,ie lie to me and have a double life,and pretend to be dying of cancer was worse than my rape.I said the rape was worse to me,as it was done to my body and mind,and caused me internal psychological damage,and that i could forgive my last partner for lying,as i believe that he was mentally ill.When i told her once before that i found it hard to deal with her brother dying (as she asked me how i coped),she said that i chose to keep the baby (as i was pregnant with his baby when he died),even though it was his,and in spite of what hed done to me,and that i coudl have aborted.I tried to tell her that i was in shock when i heard he had died,and it was not as straight forward a decision as she implied.I told her i decided to keep the baby as it was also my baby,and didnt think i could go through the traumam of abortion on top of my grief.her bluntness and insensitivity really shocked me,she has no idea what i went through,and that iw as numb for about 3 months afterhe died.anyway,i have decided not to phone her again.oh and she said she was happy to keep in contact with me for my daugters sake.if my daughter when shes older wants to see her,that it her right,but i think we would be better off without her,what do u think?

oh,and she said shew didnt like my letter,as i put something like 'i dont think i can live with this...'.i expained that i didnt feel like i could when i wrote it,but realised that i had to.I was trying to worry her,or say that iwas suicidal.I understand that i probably worded it wrong.

[diana_holbourn]

It does sound as if the aunt was being harsh. You've had several things to cope with besides being raped, and the more a person has to cope with, the less easy it can be to cope with any one particular thing, especially if a person's depressed anyway. So I don't think it was fair of her to judge you as not getting on with things like you should. And you did manage to finish your college course while the memories were coming up, and you are trying to deal with your feelings, such as relaxing yourself after you saw the thing that made you anxious on television last night. I don't think it was fair of her to imply that you were at fault for letting him into your bedsit in the first place, since it's natural to assume that nothing bad will happen. It might be as well to stay away from her for a while.